dream-talk-blog

[dream-talk-blog]

HOLY SHIT MAY 26TH 2013 WAS MY FIRST TIME SMOKING WEED

[dream-talk-blog]

*aggressively pushes people away and distances myself from all of my friends because I don’t see the point in human relationships* Still want attention tho, still want attention.

[dream-talk-blog]

cluster A stands for [monotonous screaming that either signifies exactly how you feel or signifies literally nothing at all] aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[dream-talk-blog]

contradictory pds get very annoying because what do i want? do i want all the attention or for everyone to never acknowledge my presence ever again? buddy you can’t have both

[dream-talk-blog]

constantly in fear that you’ll never find someone to be in love with that can handle your bouts of isolation and bouts of worry

[dream-talk-blog]

that weird mood where its like u doing alright but u cant rlly call it happiness because? its not and u have no clue what that feels like exactly anyway. but its not a bad mood. void but a lil chill

[dream-talk-blog]

i fucking predicted this shit happening, i knew as soon as amber dropped out of school that i was loosing my best friend, like bye, that was it, and now shes moving TOMORROW? how long has she known? not even told me? i dont even get to fucking say goodbye? SHES JUST GONE. this is why i dont get close to people fuck that shit. Srsly FUCK this.

[dream-talk-blog]

stock friend: hey watch this thing!! i really really like it, check it out when you have time

my covert schizoid ass: :-)))))))) sounds great yeah i'll definitely do that

internally: *everything inside of me melts bc of how little i care* no one can know no one can know

[dream-talk-blog]

today has been rough as hell, from crying in class over being a dumb fuck, to figuring out i have a trigger over gay slurs, and then just spiraling into a pit of sadness and seeing a post that triggered flashbacks of sexual assault id thought id forgotten about

[dream-talk-blog]

could u explain how your szpd and bpd affect each other?

It’s kind of difficult to explain, especially with the emotional permanence issues I have.

One of the most prominent things would be that my body often expresses emotions that I don’t mentally feel. Like I’ll laugh and smile and it’ll be genuine and real, but mentally I’ll be blank.

Other than that, I go through huge swings of ‘I need to be around people constantly for the next week straight’ and ‘I’m going to stay in my room and call in sick to work because I just cannot handle being around people because I am Socially Exhausted’.

Hm….. I also find the whole Favourite Person thing really difficult? Like, my QP (queerplatonic partner) recently actually imprinted on me and I’ve been his FP for a while. I love the attention of it, but the actual closeness of our relationship often makes me extremely uncomfortable because I just…. Don’t like people. I’m overwhelmingly aromantic, asexual, and borderline asocial, but the BPD really makes me crave intimacy that I know I would loathe in practice.

I handle social situations a lot better when I’ve been drinking tbh.

People also often misinterpret what I mean because of my tone of voice. To me it’s neutral or even mildly positive, but to them I’m being a raging asshole and giving them attitude because I don’t react as positively and/or enthusiastically as they expect; even my family who I lived with until 3 months ago.

The good things that SzPD & BPD do would probably be making it a lot easier for me to ignore and control my impulses.

[dream-talk-blog]

lots of fighting going on in the house since matt found out shiloh smoked weed? theyre sorta fighting/were and now theyre talking about if we have the addict gene bc of our dad, and our grandpa, and our grandma and every other person in our family who has an addictive trait and this is stressful...

[dream-talk-blog]

my mom just kicked my step dad out of the house... tomorrow if their one year wedding anniversary. i cant wait to never get married or fall in love, fuck that shit, doesnt seem worth it at all.

[dream-talk-blog]

im so sick of being a fucking failure thanks for the reminder mom!

[dream-talk-blog]

i literally just wanna be left alone for weeks, i wish everyone would just like pretend im invisible, anyone talking to me whether it be via text or irl has been overwhelming and revolting. anyone showing empathy and understanding to me just makes me mad and uncomfortable which i have no right to? theyre just trying to be nice. im just so irritated and exhausted by everyone and everything, feels like im back to square one all over again (-:

[dream-talk-blog]

i’m lonely but not like i need other people around me, i just need to be less empty. i am perfectly happy being my own company sometimes, but i don’t really exist. there’s nothing there to be content with, just void, no real identity

[dream-talk-blog]

hi its me, the old chloe, back and in action. that happy spell didnt last long but came outta no where, but here i am with existentialism and self doubt (-:

[dream-talk-blog]

GUESS WHOSE BACK WITH FULL BLOWN ANXIETY BC OF THE SHIT HEADS I LEFT BEHIND LOL COOL FUN FUCKING SHIT