dreamera1987-blog

[dreamera1987-blog]

A New, But Very Old, Path

Good day my beautiful friends!

My name is Amber Lash. I am a 31 year old, recently divorced, newly awakened, optimistic, practical and open-minded, highly sensitive empath.

Yes, I said Empath. Some of you may stop reading this post right now. Some may unfriend/unfollow me where others may silently support me by continuing to read.  Some may openly support, or perhaps even relate to, this declaration.  

I have recently begun a journey into a self-development that goes beyond simply trying to find a better, more aligned to myself job and just being consciously aware of how I treat myself.  It is so much more than that.  It’s the knowledge and growing understanding of spiritual enlightenment as well.  A full absorption and acceptance of the self and the gifts God has granted me.  This post is intended to declare my truest and most authentic self to the world, or in this case maybe friends and families that make up my world.  I am on a journey of learning, understanding, and accepting a form of wisdom and practice that many are tuning into as well. I am not alone in this.

Scientific research has proven that our entire world and universe is made up of energy.  Its been proven that energy interacts with energy in both positive and negative ways.  Well, what if I told you that energy can be affected simply through true belief and intention? Many of you have heard of The Secret, a book and resulting documentary that took our world by storm several years ago and its affects are still being felt today. This publication defines and describes the Law of Attraction and how it can be used to promote betterment in the world starting with our own individual selves. It teaches others, and assists them, in reaching a happiness level that lasts, that makes one feel whole.  Now, what if I told you that there are old, ancient cultures, practices, spiritual practices, from every corner of the world that says the same thing?  What if I told you that the belief in ourselves and acceptance of our own unique individual gifts is designed to help us get there?  To bring a wholeness to ourselves that goes deeper than just physical or mental, which are as equally uplifted as the spirit, but where your energy can be aligned to match a frequency the world emits to bring joy, fulfillment, abundance, love, and so much more to your life?

Now, this is not new knowledge. I’m not telling any of you anything you haven’t heard or didn’t know from somewhere, even yourself.  But, knowing them and living them are two very different things. You don’t have to be a highly sensitive empath to meditate. You don’t have to believe a rock or crystal will align your chakras.  You don’t have to believe in shamanic power animals or divination practices and tools. You don’t have to go to church every Sunday. But, are doing these things assist people in reaching that level of connection with the spirit, energy, force, or God, or even their own level of confidence and sense of self-worth? Yes, they do.  These are some of the methods that humans have established and felt that connect us to the Earth and even the larger Universe. There are some philosophies that say if we were made in God’s image, are we not Gods?  There are some renowned spiritual leaders that tell us we are angels but we aren’t aware of it...that is, until we are.

Now, some of you are saying, “This bitch be crazy...” If so, tell me then why thousands of people across the world pay hundreds, sometimes thousands, of dollars to attend public motivational speakers, life coaches, consciousness conferences, retreats, and trainings on bettering themselves and the connection they have to the world. Tell me why these things have boomed in the last 10 to 15 years. When was the first time you heard of yoga?  It’s not because they’re crazy and brainwashed. No. Not because they’re un-Christian blasphemers. No. But, because life has become so superficial, so shallow in substance and the human soul is meant to live deeper and more connected then what we’ve done so far.  People craving that depth, that sense of purpose, all seem to find their way to something that leads to personal development and some frame of spiritual awakening.

How many of you have had bad things happen in your life and you blame something outside of yourself for it?  I have. And I’m not alone. Oh, but how quickly does that shift when you realize the saying, “everything happens for a reason”, is one of the most true statements ever made.  Let’s rephrase it as I’ve recently heard it...a phrase that has become a mantra for me.  When something is frustrating, angering, saddening, or even when something really beautiful and amazing happens:

“The world happens for me, not to me”

Take that in for a second. Think of a terrible experience where you blamed something on someone beyond yourself and spin it on its head with that phrase? What do you come up with? How did realizing that boyfriend who cheated on you was probably for you? I know...bristle at it all you want, but all I ask is for you to consider it for a moment.  Maybe you left that boy/man and in doing so you reclaimed self-respect for the first time in years. You took back your power and that is no small thing! Own that for a moment.  What positive thing came out of that suffering? What lesson were you supposed to learn? Once you answer that, your world changes, brightens and you have an opportunity to see the world and its challenges with new and a more self empowered point of view.  Welcome to the beginning of a new, but very old, path.

John 8:32 And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free

There is so much more I could write on the subject. So much more knowledge I’m learning that I would love to share. This is the passion I have been searching for. My unique place. This post was only a first step; learning to accept, know, and love myself and the gifts that make up that self is ongoing and I’ve only just begun.  So thank you, if you got this far in the declaration.  Thank you so much for your openness and non-judgment.  I love all of you.  We are all gifted in unique ways.  We all have the power to end our own suffering and there are just as many methods in which to explore and learn to accept and love and empower ourselves as there are people on the planet. No way down this path is wrong.  All these methods just use different words, rituals, and practices to do, say and/or experience the same thing.

I’ll leave you with this...its all about setting your intentions, visualizing it, releasing it into the world, then taking action when God or the world or the energies (whatever you prefer) align for an opportunity to arise for you. It can truly be that simple.

I love you all my beautiful, fabulous friends and have a blessed day.

[dreamera1987-blog]

Loss & Unknown Fears

I sit, sad and alone

Daily

Wondering why, what, how, where did this come from or happen.

The pain of it all stabs me; a sword so long I can neither remove it or remove myself from it.

I lie awake, tears standing in my eyes, no longer spilling; resolved to the lonely existence that has become my life.

To have her so close to touch and not be allowed to do so.

To crave her touch, her lips upon mine; I wince at the pain as I keep myself from doing the unforgivable.

I think to myself," Why?! Why can't we date like I have done with other women? Why can't we have the ease of it?"

But she will not have me because I have not proven that I can deal with only that without the hopes and expectations. Because we agreed to a year before we consider it as a possibility.

She gets mad when she thinks of me making a dumb decision where another woman is concerned. I'd like to think it's proof that she wants nothing to cause a disturbance against the reality of us trying again.

She asks me what's wrong when she seeks to leave and go to her partner's bed. How can I answer? I know in my heart why. If only I had the same as that which she gives to her I could be happy.

But I am unwanted comparatively. I am shunned and rejected daily and I cannot escape the shot of that bullet, aimed at my heart mere inches from my chest when the trigger is unintentionally pulled.

Stay focused I tell myself.

Focus on the ways in which I can control my own happiness amd success. Help when asked to do so. Be proactive in my approaches. Shut down the arguments before they can occur...something I should have done and learned to do years ago and perhaps we wouldn't be here today; whispering "I love you" as she walks away or sleeps, content in her world.

But instead I must sit in the stew of loss and unknowable futures; bearing the weight of loneliness I cast upon my own shoulders; and cannot complain for it is a life I built myself.

[dreamera1987-blog]

What was wrong with me yesterday?

Today is a new day.

I'm feeling balanced, happy, and at ease again.

Perhaps I was still downloading the stress of the last week yesterday

Perhaps I was just unhappy about it being my Monday

I don't know what it was but I'm glad that weird, off-balance feeling is in the past

Today, I feel happy, secure, confident again.

I proved to myself that I can enjoy love again without turning clingy, weepy, or filled with expectation.

I can enjoy love again but still be as I have been the last couple of weeks.

Perhaps the step made with her last night, by acknowledging I was feeling a type of way and then she held the leash of my heart and reminded me that I was verging on past mistakes was all I needed.

It told me I can do this truly and be the person I want to be. And when I struggle she'll be there if necessary. But I can do it myself too.

Today is a good day.

Today, I acknowledge that I was gunshy and insecure the last couple of days...but! I know what to do; I know what expectations I have set for myself and what results develop when I meet them.

There's no reason for gunshyness or insecurity. Because I know now.

Today I am as I should be, want to be, for myself.

Because Today I make the decision to do so.

[dreamera1987-blog]

She’s Right

I shouldn’t push

I shouldn’t pine

I need to accept this, let the past go

I can’t ask her to let the past go if I don’t do the same

I have to let her go

I have to be strong and love from afar

Change and improve myself for no one but me

She’s right

It was selfish to say some of the things I said last night

She’s in just as much pain

She shouldn’t be the only one that has to the hold the line of friendship

I shouldn’t be banging against that line, trying to cross it before either of us are ready

I won’t put pressure on her anymore

I won’t beg and plead

I regret; I should have done many things differently

I should have learned so much over the last several years

But I didn’t

Now I am

Now I’m learning, understanding, acknowledging, accepting, respecting

I won’t push anymore

I won’t beg and plead

I will help her hold the line of our friendship

No matter how many tears I cry every morning or every night

I will let her go and focus on myself

And work on a friendship I should never have let die

No more maybe’s.  No more what if’s.  

I won’t be that selfish anymore

I need to be okay with me.  She needs to be okay without me.

She can’t do that if I’m badgering her and pushing at her, begging, showing her my pain.

Its not fair to do to her.  Not something a friend would do.

She’s right. Change can’t be made genuine and long lasting if conditions are applied or promises made.  You’d never trust if it was truly going to last or not. And you need that trust.  You need to believe that if we are ever going to work as whatever we will be.  

I gave you no reason to believe before.  Changing and then a few weeks in the mask would slip away.

The improvements I made when we were together weren’t enough.  I got okay with you and your girl.  But you and I were still a wreck.  I didn’t work on that.  I didn’t work on the things that mattered most.

So I’ll let you go because you’re right; we both need this.

You have my support.  You have my agreement to do this right.

I still have hope.  I may always have hope.  I may always look at our situation with hope.  But I won’t be stubborn about this and make it any harder than it already is, I promise.  

Thank you for at least staying my friend.

Thank you for the comfort you’ve given these last few days.

But its my turn now.  And you receiving comfort is different.  You need to see the friend come through more than the ex-lover.  I understand that.

You were right.

[dreamera1987-blog]

Should have

I should have done a lot of things. I should have kept writing.  I should have realized what was happening.  I should have paid attention. I should have attended to her instead of convincing myself, and her, I was right.  I should have thought before I spoke.  I should have listened.  I should have seen when I hurt her, truly considered what was said and what wasn’t.  I should have been more self reflective sooner.  I should have supported all things, small and big, even if I didn’t agree with it.  I should have reflected on how I was raised more and rejected all of it, relationship wise.  I should have been more convicted and strong.  I should have retained confidence and independence. I should have been more considerate and aware.

But I didn’t do those things.  I should have figured out who I was first.  I shouldn’t have been so bull headed.  I shouldn’t have allowed myself and my relationship to be ruled by emotions.  And now...

Now...

Now I’ll pay the ultimate price for my mistakes.  I should have listened instead of getting defensive and justifying myself.  Always trying to convince her that my way was right or accurate and assuming she was always wrong.  I should have stopped and thought rather than fought.  Walked away rather than screaming for validation and acknowledgment while I allowed none for her.  She was right.  All along she was right.  I am selfish.  I am self-involved.  I only ever cared about myself being okay.

But, all this time she was all that mattered and I didn’t value her the way she should have been valued.  Didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated.  I stopped being her friend a long time ago.  Only ever looking at her dreams and ideas through the glass of how it would affect me.  I should have valued her dreams and ideas and concerns and fears like my own; equal to my own or even more so than my own.

But I didn’t.  I didn’t.

And she’s gone.  Not physically, but gone in all the important ways a lover can be gone.

Now she doesn’t love me as more than a friend.  She may never love me as a girlfriend or wife again.  Most likely I’ll never feel her hold me in bed again.  I’ll never feel her lips pressed against mine again.  I’ll never feel her make love to me again.  I’ll never be important in that special way again.  She and I will be friends and all of the goodness that comes from that I will value more than anything.  But, I am shut out from the love of my life, my lover, my partner. She loves me but she’ll never be IN love with me again. I have lost respect and trust because I didn't give her those things. And I should have. I should have!

I don’t deserve it anyway even if she did.  There’s a chance.  A very slim, small chance.  But, after what I’ve done to her, I don’t deserve it anyway.

Because I didn’t learn in time.

Because I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone.  Ripped away by the simple words, “I’m not happy.”  How can I stand in the way of that if I love her this much.  I can’t.  So I will pay this price because I should have done so many things.  So many things.

I wasn't betrayed in December. I betrayed her. I should have wanted her to be happy. I should have willingly given up my monogamy with a glad and open heart. I should have made that sacrifice because she mattered more than anything. More than my shit. More than my expectations. I betrayed her by not backing her up and standing by her side in all things. I shouldn't have made her the monster ever. I should have given people better impressions. I should have kept my mouth shut a lot of times.

I should of said how loyal she is. How empathetic she is. How smart and beautiful she is as a person. How she can crack a joke to break the ice with an ease I envy. The way she can make you laugh in the darkest times. The way she thinks things through. Her courage to be able to face any problem and come to a solution where most would freeze up or despair under the strain. How she looks the world in the face and roars a challenge that says," I won't give in or give up! I am powerful and I will do what has to be done. Bring it on world!"

I have lost the right to call that amazing, brave, loyal, loving, selfless woman my wife. I have lost the only person that ever truly mattered to me. I would sacrifice everything to be her lover again. Except maybe the animals ;) but everything else! Job, money, exclusivity in our relationship. I would be celabite (sp?) the rest of my life if only she took me back. I'd do anything!

But I am afraid. I fear she won't. Even if I figure out who I am, find my convictions, learn to communicate better, she won't have me. When she moves to Minnesota I will lose my chance. And this isn't going to be fixed in a few days, weeks, or a month. She has someone to give her what she deserves; everything I couldn't...everything I was supposed to be and I wasn't. She won't need me much less want me. Why would she want or need the person who has caused her so much pain? I just... I didn't think she'd actually go...

I could have fixed this. Years ago I could have fixed this. My only regret in life has finally come. I ruined everything that was good about us. She kept me grounded. But what did I do for her? Nothing. I gave nothing to value and everything to despise about a person. I didn't learn in time. I failed us. I failed her. I failed myself.

I will love her until the day I die. And I will miss and long for her no matter what. But everything has a price. And if this is it I will pay it. No one compares to her. No one. I should have kept that pros and cons list as a reminder of what I fell in love with. I should have done so many things differently.

My feelings and emotions are not always valid. Sometimes other's are more valid or important. And I learned that lesson too late, too. I regret every moment, every decision, every unkind word, every single time I chose myself when I should have chosen her. I regret the lie 6 years ago. I regret the whole Erika situation and giant error I made. I regret the shopping trips where I only grabbed what I needed because I didn't check the house before i left for what she needed. I regret not always doing my part to keep the house clean. I regret getting upset with her in Washington when she cleaned the house to do her part. I regret not appreciating her the way I should have. I regret every little fight we ever had because I said the meanest things to "win" the fight. I regret the guilt trips that never worked anyway, it just hurt her. I regret pushing her for intimacy when she didn't want it. I regret every time I cried or made her feel like crap for those intimate moments falling apart between us. I regret blaming her for our money problems instead of helping her figure out how to fix it. I regret not just moving to back to Wisconsin and figuring out how to make it all work. I regret every time I hurt her. I regret saying her business idea was going to fail. I regret not finishing the SeamlessWebLab demo (I can still do that. I can fix that mistake) because I didn't want to give up my personal time for her business ventures like the selfish prick I've been. I regret all the times I only thought of myself when I didn't have to. It's not being a doormat. I realize that now. I shoukd have just spoken to her about my concerns without defaming or degrading her. I shouldnhave just spoken to her from a logical olace instead of an emotional one. And if I struggled to do that, I should have just calmly said that and paused the conversation. Blame dhould have never been on my tongue or thoughts. Winning should have never been the goal. Verbal blows should have never left my mouth. Demands and ultimatums should have never been said. Talking and explaining my needs or wants would have been fine...if I had listened to hers as a friend and a person with their own feelings. Then we could have come to a middle ground. Then the resentments wouldn't have happened. Then the damage wouldn't have occurred. We would still have been happy. We would have conquered the world together and with Jack. I could have been a sister wife instead if the selfish cunt I've become.

I refuse to be this any longer! For myself! For the people around me. For my family. For my friends. For any person I've come into contact with. For anyone in the future. I reject all of it! I don't want to be this! I WILL NOT BE THIS!

I will look upon the world with new eyes where all people are valued and meant to be cherished. I will not only think of myself and how people affect me. I will think of how I affect them, what their needs are and consider them equal to my own. I will be thr selfless person I was before I was hurt so much by being vulnerable. I will be vulnerable again and take that risk. I will trust again. I will not question everything unless it will do harm to others or their own person. And even then I will not control it. I will let people do their own lives and just support them and give information only when asked. I will be a friend first. And maybe one day I won't be such a shitbag. Maybe one day I'll earn her respect, trust, and love again. Maybe one day I'll love myself again.

But everything has a price. For what I should have done and didn't, I will pay that price. I owe you so much. And I am so sorry.

[dreamera1987-blog]

Eureka

I had a eureka moment yesterday. A realization that never really hit me that smoothed a lot of the rough edges of my heart for the first time in a long time:

I have been feeling second to the girlfriend. That’s where a lot of my pain and anger has been coming from.

It dawned on me the next morning after having a very impactful conversation with my best friend that flipped my perspective on its head, that I was never second to the girlfriend.

It isn’t about her at all. My wife, after the selfishness I expressed over the last couple years, decided to put herself first. That’s it. That’s what all of this is about. She grabbed a hold of her life, her decisions, her individuality and put herself and her own happiness first.

This is why she is so done with me...because I could not just simply understand this concept and accept it.

My lack of understanding this; my stubbornness of only thinking it was because of the girlfriend has brought us here. My inability to see past how this was “hurting me” has pushed her away and brought us to this moment.

That is what she has meant this whole time when she hollered “this isn’t about you!” Or “why do you always make things about you!?”

I can’t exactly answer that last question. But I can say now, “I get it.” I can look at the situation now and realize everything really is going to be ok and my whole view of this is morphing into, I think, what she was hoping for; making me more able to be a friend first and foremost and listen, understand, accept, and support her dreams, needs, and wants.

[dreamera1987-blog]

Today & Tomorrow

Today, I’ll let myself hurt.

Today, I’ll let myself be sad.

Today, I’ll let myself feel.

But tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I’ll pick myself up

Tomorrow, I’ll lift my head

Tomorrow, I’ll forgive

Tomorrow, I’ll embrace me

Tomorrow, I’ll be strong again

Tomorrow, I’ll be ok again

Tomorrow, I’ll pull up my britches and work at me again.

Tomorrow, I’ll find peace

Tomorrow, I’ll fill myself with hope. “Because Hope made the oasis and despair made the deserts.”

But today...not today. Today is my day to let myself feel all the things. To rage and cry and roar out my pain from a bent and cracking heart. Today is for me.

Tomorrow is for my future and I will reshape this heart so it’s a little less bent, the cracks plastered over. Tomorrow I’ll start to heal. But I’m just too damn tired and bruised to do it today.

[dreamera1987-blog]

This morning

This morning was harder. It took an hour to wrestle myself under control. But I did it. I was successful. Self-awareness, true self-awareness takes constant vigilance and work when it isn’t something you’ve always done just for yourself.

Its hard and exhausting but it is necessary. Necessary for my own well-being.

Waves on the river, I thought. Waves on the river that I can control. So I told the waves to stop, think about a bridge barely started down the way and around that bend. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there! And the waves smoothed out, becoming placid and calm again.

It is possible, I thought. It is possible.

Friendship is ill-fitting only because it hasn’t been donned in so long. Ill-fitting because I’ve become habitually co-dependent and to stop it in its tracks takes effort.

It’s like excercise for my heart and brain. You work out real hard and then the muscles are sore. So sore you don’t want to move...you don’t want to lift that weight again. But when you do, the muscle gets a little stronger, a little looser, a little easier. When you do, the lactic acid spreads and dissipates.

This morning, as sore as I was, I had to exercise again. And then I did. I didn’t make excuses. I didn’t stop half-way, too tired or hurt to continue. I didn’t ignore it in hopes it would get better later or as the day progressed. I sat down and did my exercises and now everything fits a little better than yesterday. Everything’s a little looser, a little easier. The skin that is me as an individual person who is capable of being a friend fits a little better.

[dreamera1987-blog]

The calm river experienced a storm...

With the rain pooring down, swelling it’s currents into an unforgiving landscape of harsh waters slamming against jagged stones.

It came upon a bridge... a bridge most recently built; still fragile, especially with the rain softening the new, unset mortar. And the wave created by the storm smashed into it, shattering all but the foundation, and even a little of that too.

This bridge has been rebuilt too many times. No matter what it’s built with, it is demolished by sorrows rain. No matter who bled to build it, suffered to build it, sweat to build it, raged to build it. One more time, with steel in its frame, it has to hold. IT HAS TO this time. It must weather the next storm or arms will be thrown in the air, hands washed clean of mortar residue, and feet will carry her away.

The river always looks back...the currents calm to an almost snail’s pace to look at the rubbled bridge, and feels regret that she let the storm hurt it. She pauses in her whirl pools, spinning possibilities and choices in the current, trying to find the steel to give to the rider to help rebuild the bridge.

The river has tried to build the bridge on her own...but it never seems quite right. Maybe this time, she would lay some of the steel on the rider’s shore and wait. Wait, drifting on the current of memories that glow and warm its waters. Holding onto the light and letting the darkness drift to the falls to be cast away into cleansing mists. Maybe this time, the river can be patient enough, can keep the majority of its currents of light hidden in a peaceful bay that can’t be touched by the storms of sorrow. And maybe, when the two form the bridge with the framing of steel, built slowly and carefully this time, the river will take the rider to that secret bay and the rider will feel the good memories swelling those easy currents and be glad.

[dreamera1987-blog]

Too Much

I’m not ready.

I’m not ready to be a part of that or see it.

The sense between them is too strong and eclipses my own with her. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Maybe one day it won’t be that way. Maybe one day the connection between her and I will be strong again. At least strong enough to match. But since she’s the epitome of her first love, I don’t think that will ever happen.

So how to live with that? How to love knowing the woman I married will maybe never love me at the depth she loves this other?

Do I walk away and just let them have one another, never to intrude again or ask for my wife to meet me on a ground she doesn’t feel? Should I just go to walk the lonely road that I seem destined for?

Or, should I accept the pieces of her heart I do get. It feels like settling. But so does being alone. When I’m with them both, I feel like an outsider looking in on a beautiful landscape that breaks my heart. I feel like a person in an art gallery, crying tears of joy and envy because they are the painting and I can only dream of painting something so magnificent.

I knew when I married her that I was not the epitome. I knew that. But she told me no one would ever be. And then this other steps into our lives and she is...she is.

It could be that it’s because it’s new. She’s the new and shiny. I’m the silver, tarnished by time and history. But, if this is how she feels now, it won’t dim. It’ll just begin to smolder, the fire dimming to long lasting, simple flames and coals that never die. Like mine for her. But not like hers for mine. Or is it?

Perhaps I feel this way because our flames have already reached the stage of smoldering and long lasting. She told me the minute she met me that I was the one she was going to spend her life with. Maybe not being the epitome is what makes us special, something no one can touch.

Perhaps it isn’t about which one is better, or more important, or more desirable, or deeper, or greater. Perhaps it’s two sides of the same coin for her. Perhaps for the coin to keep spinning happiness into her life, the two must be of equal value and importance otherwise the coin falls. Perhaps both our presence is the inertia required.

I can accept my place in her heart or I can not. Can two people have all of the heart? Or do we only get pieces? Does she get more than me because she’s the epitome? Or is it not about more?

I’d like to think it isn’t about more.

I’d like to believe the two sides of the same coin theory.

I think, maybe, that she is the fast moving river, exciting and fun and non-judging of the boat being driven on the rapids. I am the calming stream, steady and always sure. The place where a person needs to rest before daring the rapids. A person can become very bored on the calm portion of the river, despite the necessity of it for survival. The rapids are sought after often for the excitement and adrenaline and life of adventure. Most people desire both. Most times, it seems people create the long term commitments to the calm, boring river and regret and resent the loss of the rapids. Sure, the calm river can have moments of a bumpy ride, but it’s still mostly calm. But to have the richness of a full life, the rapids are sought after anyway and in most cases in secret. But here, now, and in the beginning, I was warned. I was told that the calming river, despite that being the nurturing side and the side that allows growth is quite boring and she would strive to find the rapids in order to create a rich life. But she also said that she wouldn’t keep the rapids from the calming river. That instead, she would ride both, and both could be linked to create a rich life for both.

So, do I get sad or hurt or angry because the rapids which are super fun and exciting now, and may always be, are sought after often to keep life rich and fun? Or do I accept my place as the calm, long lasting, ever winding and growing river where she can rest and renew her spirit? Yes, the latter.

I’ve been a confused river as of late. I’ve tried to become the rapids. To take over and crush the other. And that has driven her further away. She comes less often to the calm river because the discordant notes of the river’s song, trying to be something it was never meant to be, have made the ride less pleasurable, less desirable, difficult to ride, and the renewal of spirit has all but disappeared.

And then the river calms again. Realizing it doesn’t have to be the rapids. Let the rapids go to someone more built for it. The calm river has fun twists and turns and beautiful resting places where the sun beams down on the skin and water making it warm enough to swim in, and yet cool enough to drink from. And that’s what keeps her. That’s what makes her want to come back to the river despite its more boring character.

Let her have the rapids of excitement and adventure. Let her have fun and grow with the rapids too. Let her enjoy the fight of oars against currents that brighten her cheeks and brings a sparkling smile to her face. Let her know the differences and appreciate what both have to give. Let her have the grandeur of the Grand Canyon rather than just a part of it.

It’s not about better. It’s never been about better because we both have equal to offer.

[dreamera1987-blog]

A Test

Ok, so this is a test. My wife didn’t wake up from her lover’s bed and come out to spend time with because she’s testing me to see how okay I really am. If I don’t react badly, points for me. If I react badly, I lose trust...again. She would have made a point to come out and spend time with me if she thought I was going to be upset or if I indicated that I needed that.

Besides, the rules clearly state she can have until 3pm. It’s not her fault that I have to leave for work at 1:30...it’s not.

And I told her that I don’t always need her to come out and spend time with me after one of these nights that way when she does it’s special. Now I’m kicking myself in the ass for it. But that doesn’t give me the right to be an ass just because I am kicking my own.

I control my own happiness. Yes...so when I get a text later, I should be gracious and kind and patient because I have been a dick these last three months and I have to prove that I am truly in a better place. If she asks me if I’m ok, I should say yes. I will not elude to being disappointed. I will not be a needy wife. That’s how I’ve driven her away these last few months. The only way to earn her back is to accept the way things are now. I get attention from the neighbor, too. It’ll be alright.

[dreamera1987-blog]

I wish

Sometimes I wish they would both come outside after one of these nights and hug and kiss me like I’m important, too.