dreamgirlpoems - Tumblr blog

[dreamgirlpoems]

Snake Charming

inferno

gently kissing up my palms,

threatening to pull us into the depths below.

a prison 

that our souls already know ;

an enchanted well,

 a swirling mattress,

madness,

of fire and ice and delight.

sunrise

cuts like a prism into your ocean eyes.

i iced you, hurt you,

turned away as you turned blue;

exhaled smug smoke 

while you fought 

for one last gasp 

at a life, anew.

grasping stretch,

haggard wretch.

tired and worn,

old friend.

the part of you who hates me

there, is locked inside a dark room.

in the corner, 

that little boy rocking back and forth;

you are him, only older.

i’m sorry

i only added to his pain.

i’m sorry I couldn’t protect you 

from the way my smokeless name

curls around your solid frame

after the lights go down 

on heaven’s ground;

a sweet - sounding, venomous snake

serenely summoning a man 

to whisk her away.

I have vices, too, inscribed into my name.

they float just around my neck ;

a necklace of pain, penance, purity.

a predetermined fate. 

i hope you lose me - 

shake me off like a bad dream;

inspire me with your tears 

to wash away the years of

exotic, poisonous perfume

that i douse myself in, 

with which I drown you,

and from those scars on your arms

a bow and arrow, drawn,

shot straight to the heart 

to tranquillize,

play,

and break

break

brea-

k

for shame -

i hope you see what heresy exists in me,

and for once, see the goodness in you.

and I hope I’ll one day come to resist, desist,

snake - charming you. 

[dreamgirlpoems]

This Body

this body

has rolling hills and winding roads.

this body

sometimes comes to a standstill,

knowing not where to go.

this body

has felt the thundershock of fear,

when haunting memories float near.

this body

has healed like a flower blooming,

safe enough to be seen swooning.

this body is my rowboat, my home;

this body, I did not make on my own,

but this body I’ll water

as long as the sun goes round -

i’m grateful for this body

and I’ll love her,

whether she’s up or down.

[dreamgirlpoems]

The Campfire Moment

I haven’t dreamt of you in a long time.

I’m laying down on the cave floor, my hair sprawled out behind me like a dark fan. The walls flicker in licks of orange and red from the large crackling fire. It’s dark outside, nightfall. We’re camping outdoors, but we take shelter just inside this cave, two of your fellow men talking jovially beside us. We’ve had a fun evening with them, and now we’re in our own little world. Easy 1920s jazz plays in the background - where from, I don’t know- a soft choir singing, rising and falling. 

You’re dressed in your old army wear. How long have we been on the road for? I can’t tell.

You’re smoking a cigarette, just like your boys. A regular one, not a cigar. I ask to come closer. You take me in your arms, my head in your lap; your two friends momentarily and gently forgotten. I look up at your face: the sharp, angular lines of your jaw, the fair symmetry from left to right. I touch your left cheek with my hand. You’re smiling down at me, and your mouth and your eyes turn together. That’s how I knew your heart and mind were one.

Before I know it, you’re kissing me. It tastes of smoke and I feel the scratch of stubble. Funny, because I never felt that when we were together. Or did I? It’s been long enough now, that small details slip away from me, the finest ones falling through my fingers like sand, like grains of sugar : sweet, seedless and implantable, their legacies lost. 

You say all you’d really like is to go outdoors adventuring, camping, just the two of us. You laugh because you know all I want is to be indoors and cosy, comforted and cuddled. 

I protest. 

‘No, I want that too, Rob, of course I do!’ 

I can camp, sure. I did many things with you I never dreamed I would. We’re laughing and your blue green eyes are holding me. Each time you kiss me a sigh escapes me,

breathily, softly.

Towards the end of the dream, my lips end on your high cheekbone. Your right one. It’s all I ever wanted, it’s all I needed to be happy - one moment with my lips pressed on your smooth skin. Because, even laying on that hard ground, with no home and only the clothes on our backs, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I open my eyes and see the curve where your indented eye rises again to meets your cheek, see the fine lines around your eyes carved into the smooth skin, like tracks on desert sand, or like signposts on a trail. The beauty. My fingers run through your ashy hair with my other hand - your hair is long, like it was in the beginning. Your hand supports the small of my back. Stillness. And then -

Something shifts. Though we don’t move,  a new feeling breaks through the surface. A feeling like a gentle drizzle of rain - just enough to let me know my world is not perfect - rises silently within me.

I’m still holding your face, my lips on your cheek. But I’ve realised. The pain begins to build inside me, though the moment is still sweet. My eyes closed, I say it before I know what it means.

“I’m going to lose you.”

It’s not a prediction, it’s a remembrance. 

That’s when I woke up. The tear was already running down my cheek. It surprised me to remember you in such detail. To watch our story back again like that. But this is no fairytale, and there’s no happily ever after. I kept my eyes tight shut, brow furrowed, trying to squeeze out the truth, to keep hold onto that gem we mined out of life, that one, short golden moment.

But pain came barging in like a pushy salesman, interrupting our love, knocking right at our front door.

Why couldn’t they tell we didn’t want to buy their sad story?

And just before my consciousness was pulled out of the dream, I memorised that mental snapshot, that happy moment around the campfire. You don’t know it yet, nobody knows it, and the vintage music keeps playing, the men keep laughing, and you keep holding me. But I know what’s coming. And everything has changed. 

[dreamgirlpoems]

Danger, Ecstasy

I had a dream 

That you were standing before me.

As you often did,

After a close embrace.

Holding my shoulders tight,

Ever a serious, penetrating look:

Blue- green eyes like laser beams

On a perfect, pale face.

But this time

You were running something sharp 

Inside my mouth.

Lovingly, gently:

Unaware of your ability to pain me,

The knife went around and around

My soft, wet insides.

They opened to you…

I had nowhere left to hide.

Like a racecar on a track,

Death around every corner:

My awareness growing,

Yours getting smaller -

Never cutting me -

Yet on the brink of tragedy -

…

Danger, 

Ecstacy.

That was how I loved you;

And that was how you loved me.

[dreamgirlpoems]

The Lost Haiku

I was written a lovely haiku

By a man in a cowboy hat and World War One boots.

He owns a very charming moustache,

But more charming is the way 

A ticklish memory lights up his mind

When he randomly breaks into a laugh.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Pleasant Valley

Pick me up on pleasant valley,

The worst neighbourhood  in the city.

They gave it the name 

To assuage the pain;

The gunshots and sirens exploding,

Like shooting stars, falling,

Night and day.

Drive me to cedar park

Turn up the radio so loud 

We can’t hear our own thoughts.

Hand in mine,

And when we would stop at red lights

I’d cross over your border 

To leave a kiss on your lips.

A quick peck, just to show you 

That if you were ever 

To ride without me,

You’d be missed.

I miss those days

With a deep heartache.

I’d pay some part of my soul

To have it back, that way.

Because as imperfect as it was,

We were free.

And as impossible as we were

For a little while,

We were happy;

The happiest man and woman

In that dog-eared, dusty city.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Silver Linings 

but you see,

had my life gone well,

i fear i would not have written

 much poetry.

[dreamgirlpoems]

[dreamgirlpoems]

Box Of Darkness

“Someone I loved once gave me

A box full of darkness.”

Mary Oliver

Had just sorrowfully described,

Long before our time,

Our relationship.

In all its beautiful disguise,

And its beautiful demise.

[dreamgirlpoems]

BodyMind

My bodymind,

So delicate,

So precious.

One wrong touch 

and I could just



Fall

apart.



Smarting at the eyes.

Like the bow on a ribbon, 

I thought I’d so tightly tied.

Inexplicably, now, 

Loosening at the sides. 

Like an ill baked pastry,

Clumsily timed; crumbling and dry.

And, this time, it seems,

I’ve run out of tries. 

Fumes of my mistakes escape the oven;

They trumpet my demise. 

The hands on the clock wither away

Any hope I had of an escape

From this circular merry - go - round;

A life of endless ups. and downs.

Do it right.

Come on, do it right!





Always concerned 

With the ways I

Do or do not

Shine my light.

Am I alright

Dear God, 

Am I alright ? 



If I could just get on that flight

And settle into a sunnier place,

I have a feeling I’d be alright;

For infinitum, 

Foreverday.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Free Of Ice

Convinced

That my very existence is haram.

Illegal,

Forbidden,

Stealing out the pages 

From a storybook,

Owned by a girl permitted 

To live more liberally than I;

No tentacles

To which she is hooked.

Never haunted 

By a guilty conscience,

Never doubting the right 

To show her body

Or her smile,

Even if it is broken.

How does it feel to live

Un-trapped on the inside? 

Open, expansive, joyous and free.

The way I felt for one full year, 

Only.

Travelling around the world -

You, sort of, with me.

You made all the difference, honey.

No,

I’ll always be reminded of my limits.

Limits galore;

The only real show

I’ve ever known:

“Come see 

The chained girl , confined!”

Prowling restlessly, like a powerful tiger 

Trapped in her cage

Of thought and time.

Maybe one day

I’ll figure it out,

Someday,

And glide out,

Like water, 

Breaking free of ice.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Neither Does He

The day you said you wanted

To fuck other women

Was the day you lost

Access to me.

That's how it goes;

What did you expect, baby?

No insights into my life,

No updates, no whereabouts.

The end to your clout,

Just the abyss of self- doubt

Left , for you.

I'll run through-

Trust me,

 I can run through

Any number of men,

Here at my feet.

Adoring me,

Delightfully.

Bodies pulled together,

Tightly.

I don’t mind it, 

Sweet baby.

And

Neither

Does

He.

[dreamgirlpoems]

New Sun

This time last year, I didn’t know you.

And this same time this year,

I no longer know you.

You wear two faces.

Switch up your masks.

Feigning love, when really you hate me

Although somehow , you love me, don’t you?

Conflicted mind, true heart.

Your betrayal, I could never recover from.

Our death sentence- my anger on you.

Maybe if we were better people -

But then again, if we were healed -

Would we have ever met , 

Blossomed and bloomed? 

No.

Doomed.

Doomed from within.

Doomed from the word 'begin.'

Souls hopelessly pulled toward each other

Souls no good for one other.

I am repulsed by you.

I am sorely disappointed.

But I’m also in love with you,

With the absence of your embrace, 

I am haunted.

Enough,

Done.

I’ll find a new way,

I’ll make a new sun.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Red Black

Red -Black

Bars of Hell.

This picture is exactly you.

Exactly you.

You’d show me songs of the 

Inside of your brain

And I just found a picture of it,

Too.

The funny thing is,

When I was trapped behind your 

Bars of Hell 

I thought it wasn’t the worst place

To spend a lonely afternoon. 

[dreamgirlpoems]

Elitist (The Void)

A picture perfect dream life,

A painting made from all white.

Void of colour. 

All white,

His might.

When there’s no room for self reflection

He can only be right.

Things he loved:

Whiteness

Space

Distance

Segregation 

Westernism 

Revenge

Darkness 

Family

(Unless you are responsible for them)

Concepts

Traditionalism 

Running far away from one’s fears

Denial

Supremacy

Republicans 

Violence

Guns

Sweetness

Illicit drugs

Illicit dreams?

Connection

Enforced distance

(From where he will once again miss me),

Regretful,

Within 

The void

The void

The void.

[dreamgirlpoems]

Turn Back Time

I guess I’m just as messed up

As the people I wish to save.

And I guess that’s why

I feel connected to them:

Their pain, my pain .

Guess I’ve never really felt whole.

Never felt loveable

And that’s why I try so hard 

To make myself so.

I mean, look at me.

I’m not it, am I?

Maybe I can just about

Almost

Pull it off,

With my best efforts. 

But what am I ,

Stripped down ,

Bare skin and bone?

Creative soul

Singer

Poet

Dancer

Artist

A healer, really? or a destroyer?

Stuck in my ego

No real sense of self

Oscillating between two extremes

Angel from heaven, 

vixen from hell.

Do I use people?

Why have I never felt ok?

Save for short, glorious moments

Feeling special,

powerful, 

magnificent,

Saved.

Freedom-

Why does it come at such a high price?

Why do I still see you when I look into my eyes?

How can you love me and hurt me, so? how can you love me and hurt me , so?

Shouldn’t I ask myself the same thing?

No.

Because I don’t really love myself,

Do I?

That’s why I can hurt myself

Pour poisonous elixers for myself to drink

Bubbling black in my intestines, ruining my insides. 

Sometimes I see the point,

And sometimes I don’t.

But most of the time I just wish I

Could feel something lighter

Than this heaviness I know.

Needed you.

To show me that I’m ok

Show me that I’m ok

Because I’ve never ever 

Felt that way. 

Show me that I’m loveable

Someone you’d spend your entire life with.

Would you love the ugliest parts of me?

The parts I try so hard

To make sure no one sees?

Would you push me away

Every time I try to get close?

Would you keep doing it ,

When you know

How much it hurts?

To bring out the worst in me,

The worst in you.

Treated me like the enemy,

When I got to know you.

Made me feel wrong.

Stupid,

Unwanted,

Insecure,

I no longer belong. 

Throw those other women in my face some more,

Why don’t you? 

I need to just forget you 

Because you’ll never

Warm my soul, 

That which you are painting, so blue. 

It’s a fallacy

Time is a menace over me

And you’ll  only ever love me

While I pretend I don’t care.

I can’t win that game,

And its a fight that’s not fair.

I still see you when I look into my eyes.

But after everything,

I know I still wouldn’t 

Turn back time.

[dreamgirlpoems]

The Kites In Bali

i look up 

and see countless black shapes

soaring high up in the skies,

breaking through the clouds.

are they kissing the stars?

a dragon, snaking its way

across blue and white,

cotton- wool skies;

a neon green sign

calling to be free.

calling both you,

and calling me.

and underneath every kite

stands a happy child,

and this thought

warms me up a little,

on empty , embraceless nights

when i remember the ghost children 

that could've been ours.

laughing, playing, holding kites.

here i stand, surrounding by eager faces,

my jewels glittering in the dark.

and yet, your face is the only one in sight;

your eyes, like turquoise stones, 

set into my heart.

and i’m so high up here

that the birds fly with me.

my home is now theirs

Surrounded

 by blossoming orange petals,

leafy green trees. 

am i still your flower?

time makes sad things of us,

it makes sad things of us.

i’ll keep waiting for time to heal.

because when i tried to fly,

i fell,

higher up than i knew,

 Feeling more then i ever believed

 i would feel.

forgetting that,

sitting on your shoulders

was the very reason

 i could see the world so clearly,

see it so real.

my breath of fresh air was 

taken from your lungs,

and we spin , panting,

on a wagon wheel.

those kites in Bali,

I haven't thought about it a while.

but there was no sky ever more blue

than your beautiful eyes.