dreamsofraindrop

[dreamsofraindrop]

Fuuuuck im gay....

I was hanging out with... lets call her A. Not my ex A, someone here. And IN THE DREAM (it was a dream), we were kissing. It started with a kiss on the cheek, and the kiss burned me. It was this electric fire that landed right where she kissed me and this intense pleasurable fire landed spread and sizzled from there before fading. Also worth noting, Im usually a high-consent lover, like in waking life I would have asked that she ask before doing something like that. BUT anyway it was a dream and idgaf and what happened next was she kissed me full on the mouth and this time the electric fire didnt just land and sizzle out. It went through my nerves and my spine and the top of my head and filled me with impossible pleasure and burned for minutes.

Thats basically the whole dream. A is somebody I've had a crush on for a while but avoiding dating because:

1. We both had life-crushing breakups late last year and are both badly damaged from those

2. Im suspicious of my attraction to her, I think I might be attracted to people who have vulnerabilities i exploit or manipulate? Idk if I really do this or if the other person was self destructive and I was just there for the ride. In the end, they were the one that hurt me. But anyway. So when I feel attraction my first thought is "is this person strong and sure of who they are" and if not then well maybe I should be friends with them without trying to date them.

Which are both kind of sad reasons because I've been single for a while and while I have some light sex with a friend I also go between wanting more, wanting hookups, wanting romance, and feeling sad and broken romantically.

Idk what it'll take for me to get over it, apparently everyone in my circle thinks Im hot, but Im also jaded about being hot and dont want to date any of them for various reasons. Did you know you can be beautiful AND sad? Its awful. When I hated myself it was simple, I was trash and felt bad. Now I'm gorgeous and beloved by many and generally have my ducks in a row, but I still feel so so tired and almost everything I see when I go out or go to work brings me deep deep sorrow. Like I'm happy but idgaf that I'm happy because all I see is misery and the only happy people are those ignoring the misery or causing it.

Maybe I just dont believe i deserve to be happy, because I dont think anyone deserves to be happy until everyone has a home and food and love.

Which ideally sounds nice but... i'll never be happy then. I need to get over that belief because depression and mirthlessness are getting in the way of practical action.

And I also need to get absolutely kissed like the silly lover fool I am.

[dreamsofraindrop]

A DREAM, this one's fucked up too oof.

I has hanging out with Rabbit and Renery (not their real names just replaced w better ones for anonymity). I had to keep shooing rhe cat out of my bedroom, and when the cat left, I stomped so the cat could associate my room with scary (imo this is kind of mean and doesnt work very well), and they said dont do that and i was like okay.

Then, Rabbit ticked me (i forget why?) and I said clearly no and stop and "i fucking hate you" and was squealing involuntarily.

(for context, Im very ticklish. I would only let someone tickle me if its someone I would do BDSM stuff with, and it would be under the condition I can tap out, and only do a little bit at a time, and watch to make sure I'm not incoherent)

So I was obviously very pissed with her. Then me and her and Renary were headed to some fair, we traveled by flying. Like, flying like magic just hurling through the air. Also weirdly I was on Renary's lap for the trip, it was chaste but still weird.

Once we were there we got scattered a bit from each other. My location was also my location in scrolling a tumblr dash and I accidentally refreshed and had to search Rabbit's name to find her and get back.

We kept seeing wineberries and blackberries, and many were ripe already! Its way too early in the season here, but it was a warmer season in the dream too.

I found Rabbit and confronted her. It took a bit to get her to understand, and then she was like "so youre saying i ### or %$##$ you?" And it was probably "sexually harassed" or "sexually assaulted" that she said, but my hearing went fuzzy and I didnt actually hear those words. And I was like nononono its not like that, just like please dont do that though". And also explained how she was infantalizing towards me (which is the only part thats true irl). I also kept accidentally using my brother's name for her, and misgendering her, which was shitty and i apologized for it... Anyway I think she mostly understood but left after that.

Then I was pulling a wagon in some kind of parade or something. I kid tried to steal it but gave it back, and I was given some things and had to improvise a water resistant little tent for my things because me and the other parade folks were going to encounter rain on the way home.

(END OF DREAM)

Yeah so that dream reads a lot like someone who had been SA'd or has sexual trauma, but I don't think I've ever been SA'd, and if I have sexual trauma it's more of the gender incongruence shit and not something anyone did to hurt me. Oh but I was tickled to an excessive amount as a kid, and I think thats part of why I see that as dangerous instead of fun.

[dreamsofraindrop]

Another dream :) even more fucked up than the last.

I was at the new house, and looked outside to see some people on the yard. Some were making out, others were beating each other up. It was scary, especially since I didn't know what was concensual and if anyone there was like kidnapped or something. I was too scared to try and help though, so fuck me I guess.

They left, and later on they were back and doing the same stuff. I tried to creep down the stairs but they saw me through the open front door. a woman of the group walked in. She was wearing a boy scout uniform (BSA is gender neutral now, and also adult leaders can be female, so it could have actually been hers). I was in scouting as a girl so it made me really mad to see someone abusing the uniform like that while commiting public violence. Anyway she asked if I saw anything and i was like nope didnt see shit. And then she set up the projector and showed me their evil plan, how they were going to cut down all the trees.

I told her yeah thats cool great plan, and she left without hurting me, then they all got in their cars and peeled away, speeding and agititating on their way down the street.

Then I went downstairs and my roommate/auntie just got home. I told her what happened and I was crying, she tried to comfort me a bit. Then I went to message my friends about these people.

[dreamsofraindrop]

A dream :)

This ome was kind of fjcked up. So first off the setting was kind of in Mimecraft but also real life, yeah cringe. Bite me. So me and all these people are released into the world, starting in this compound in a mountain. I accidentally say something or do something really rude to one of the other contestants/particiants, and spend the rest of the time feelimg really guilty.

I go along with others any way and watch someone make these amazing giant balloons, and help some people try to stockpile a bunch of stuff under a giant iceberg (which melts in the end).

I find a little shop selling snacks and whatnot, and get a bag of chips. The shopkeeper is like oh thats so cheap you dont even need to pay and I think him profusely.

I visit the special chamber for mining. The ground is made of this special clay stuff and I'm hacking through it, it's so slow though I wish I was somewhere else where the ground was normal. The woman who I was rude to was there, scowling at me and not talking.

Someone asks me if I talked to A, which is my ex's deadname. I was like maybe? do they have another name? And I didnt recognize their other name so I was just like idk I dont know who you're talking abt

Then the game is over and we all come back to debrief, and I try to apologize to that same woman from the start. And she hands me a long letter, which explains that I did literally none of that stuff, she just said it and I believed it and she was doing this to manipulate me. I was shocked, and kind of in disbelief. I tried talking to her but she was on her way.

End

So yeah i was fucked up about my memory of events being manipulated like that. That kind of shit would actually work on me too :((

[dreamsofraindrop]

DREAMS

I walked from my mom's house to the ikea laundromat. Or more like crawled.

...

It was late fall and I was hanging out with a new friend and her sister. She had a big list of names. 8 of them were names she goes by, 3 were not. She started going on about angel names and I was like okay gotta have that conversation with her, shit. But otherwise we were all having a great time hanging out, going around town. We stopped at this beautiful food garden to admire the watermelons and fruit trees, and I accidentally bumped somebody with my foot who was sleeping in the bushes.

I apologized and then spent the next 30 minutes trying to find my socks (idk why I had my shoes off) while the people sleeping outside were getting up and packing their things. Before they left I saw them - a man and a woman, with a sacred air. I think they owned the garden, like it was attached to their church or something. The man's face was majorly disfigured, I flinched when I saw him but he kept looking on confidently and I was ashamed for reacting with shock at his appearance.

The friend I was with had a letter for me, I accepted it before I headed home. It might have been a love letter? I didn't want that, though, because despite feeling some chemistry with her, she was college age and the 5 year age gap is too much for me (I'm a woman in my late 20's).

...

There were a few more dreams right before I woke up, one where I was somebody else, somebody better in some way. Too vague to remember.