drivenbymyheart - Tumblr blog

[drivenbymyheart]

Enough no more,he doesn't want me i am just not good enough,cannot put my delicate heart through anymore,i will always want,but can never have,i can do friends,its going to be hard,but i  will have to be brave and date ..And keep running....

we started it,I couldn't stop it.

I have known him for a few years, good friends. i knew he was married, very disappointed in myself. now i am left crushed.

He is a lot older over 10 years,but i don’t see it. he is calm,funny,very cute ,so easy to talk too,until now…

He 1st kissed me quite passionately a few months back,i was stunned,but didnt pull away as i had found him  attractive for ages,we work for the same company,lots of naughty stolen kisses later……

I  thought i could keep a lid on it,i thought it wouldn’t bother me,until i had my 2nd posterior stroke,then something changed. or maybe him touching me the way he did had something to do with it,i tried to pull back but he wanted more.he made it  clear how much he wanted me and me him,i wanted him more than ever,he always said he was scared and that he had done nothing like this before,no shit sherlock,did he he think i had.or had he done this before and he was just playing games. i didn’t want to take to next level  with him until he had got back from holiday with wife,he said she never gave him anything by the way of closeness.this i couldn’t understand ,i always thought if your married then kindness,compassion,closeness,and having a great sex life is what makes a good marriage ,no one likes to feel neglected.maybe i am being naive.  I suggested to him while their away try and be romantic.he said it wont work she’s not like that,yet i found him gorgeous and always will, if they did rekindle i would have stepped back,it would have been hard but at least i would have known why?.i knew he would never leave anybody as life was obviously  good for him there ,he made it very clear. family man, grown up adult children,dog.etc..

When he did come back from holiday,something changed, i had been poorly due to stupid stroke after effects,i had so many tests coming,i was scared and still am..but i knew the vibe was different between us,he said we could still kiss and hug ?  i did text a few times,explaining how i felt,he just said he was hopeless but it would all work out,i wanted to talk but he didn’t or couldn’t i don.t know..saying not wanting to hurt me,or upset me,trouble is already hurting. maybe he just wasn’t that into me, and didn’t see it as a big deal..trouble is with us women we think too deeply and let our hearts rule our heads.

How do things work out, can’t tell anyone anything . not even my therapist .which is not me,i am very much an open book. probably why i am finding this so hard ,so yes i am writing this on here,as it needs to be out of my head for a bit.

 He obviously does not see me  as worth the risk ,rejections hard… harder still if you don’t know why…

So months later we started again,i am very disappointed in myself,i find him so irresistible,i just wished i didn’t.

He gave me a lift home from work as my car was having a mot.  we made out in the car,i didn’t want him to come in as i didn’t trust myself ,he somehow ended up in my house,i told him to police me because i know the effect he has on me. 

Next thing we are on the sofa,very heavy petting,for what seemed like an eternity.i wanted him so much,against my better judgement i gave him a blowjob,not my finest,but to be fair i haven’t been near a man for many years,and now i feel like shit,i gave him something so intimate and now he doesn’t want to know again, says its all just fantasy and that it will end in tears. i know it will be my tears,whats wrong with me, my best friend who i have now told has told me to move on and get him out of my head for good as he is never going to have any interest,and i know she is so right..i need to be strong and avoid him,or when in his company,don’t go near.   

so 3 months on i find myself on here again putting my thoughts here.

still kissing and talking,finding myself addicted to him,i feel as if i am chasing for something that will never ever be mine,how can i do this to myself,i do all the chasing and making an absolute fool of myself,a few years ago i would never put myself in such a vulnerable position,i have always been sensible when it comes to matters of the heart. i get asked out frequently but dismiss all potential suitors as he has my heart ,and he isn’t even aware of it.or is he? and he just sees me as a convenience. 

i am going to talk with him in the week and just say whats on my mind ,i expect i will be a basket case for the next few days as he is busy and can never find the time to talk,which is sooooo frustrating, he ghosts me so much,that in itself should give me the slap to wake me up to my senses but it doesn’t,single syllable replies to texts just leave me speechless,hurt and asking myself what’s wrong with me.

so i went for a 6k run to sort my head out and will do it until i see him,if i don’t do that then who knows where my head will be at,all i can say its a good job i am still waiting on my passport,as i would probably just go now,its so much easier to run than deal with this. i thought i could shop myself happy today but it didn’t work,just wasted money,£50 on a plastic baseball bat,walking dead replica lucille bat,i am the one who is batty,my parents are walking on eggshells,which isn’t fair as they don’t know what they are dealing with,dad keeps throwing money at me to cheer me up,but they don’t know me that well as money means nothing to me,don’t need or want it .my best friend ej is away til next week,but i know when i open up too her she will be shaking her head at me,hopefully all the runs i am doing will put me in a better frame of mind,as its a bit lost. i’m not drinking as i don’t know when to stop ,not that i say incriminating stuff,i just love everyone when i am drunk. all else fails i will just up my head meds and hope that works…..

[drivenbymyheart]

AVRO Vulcan XH558 

[drivenbymyheart]

just beautiful

Vulcan XH558

[drivenbymyheart]

6 inches tall. STILL badder than you.

[drivenbymyheart]

It’s all coming down to this. TWD returns 2/25.

[drivenbymyheart]

Preach!

[drivenbymyheart]

Try calling one of ‘em “doll.” We dare you.

[drivenbymyheart]

we started it,I couldn't stop it.

I have known him for a few years, good friends. i knew he was married, very disappointed in myself. now i am left crushed.

He is a lot older over 10 years,but i don’t see it. he is calm,funny,very cute ,so easy to talk too,until now...

He 1st kissed me quite passionately a few months back,i was stunned,but didnt pull away as i had found him  attractive for ages,we work for the same company,lots of naughty stolen kisses later......

I  thought i could keep a lid on it,i thought it wouldn't bother me,until i had my 2nd posterior stroke,then something changed. or maybe him touching me the way he did had something to do with it,i tried to pull back but he wanted more.he made it  clear how much he wanted me and me him,i wanted him more than ever,he always said he was scared and that he had done nothing like this before,no shit sherlock,did he he think i had.or had he done this before and he was just playing games. i didn't want to take to next level  with him until he had got back from holiday with wife,he said she never gave him anything by the way of closeness.this i couldn't understand ,i always thought if your married then kindness,compassion,closeness,and having a great sex life is what makes a good marriage ,no one likes to feel neglected.maybe i am being naive.  I suggested to him while their away try and be romantic.he said it wont work she's not like that,yet i found him gorgeous and always will, if they did rekindle i would have stepped back,it would have been hard but at least i would have known why?.i knew he would never leave anybody as life was obviously  good for him there ,he made it very clear. family man, grown up adult children,dog.etc..

When he did come back from holiday,something changed, i had been poorly due to stupid stroke after effects,i had so many tests coming,i was scared and still am..but i knew the vibe was different between us,he said we could still kiss and hug ?  i did text a few times,explaining how i felt,he just said he was hopeless but it would all work out,i wanted to talk but he didn't or couldn't i don.t know..saying not wanting to hurt me,or upset me,trouble is already hurting. maybe he just wasn't that into me, and didn't see it as a big deal..trouble is with us women we think too deeply and let our hearts rule our heads.

How do things work out, can't tell anyone anything . not even my therapist .which is not me,i am very much an open book. probably why i am finding this so hard ,so yes i am writing this on here,as it needs to be out of my head for a bit.

 He obviously does not see me  as worth the risk ,rejections hard... harder still if you don't know why...

So months later we started again,i am very disappointed in myself,i find him so irresistible,i just wished i didn't.

He gave me a lift home from work as my car was having a mot.  we made out in the car,i didn't want him to come in as i didn't trust myself ,he somehow ended up in my house,i told him to police me because i know the effect he has on me. 

Next thing we are on the sofa,very heavy petting,for what seemed like an eternity.i wanted him so much,against my better judgement i gave him a blowjob,not my finest,but to be fair i haven't been near a man for many years,and now i feel like shit,i gave him something so intimate and now he doesn't want to know again, says its all just fantasy and that it will end in tears. i know it will be my tears,whats wrong with me, my best friend who i have now told has told me to move on and get him out of my head for good as he is never going to have any interest,and i know she is so right..i need to be strong and avoid him,or when in his company,don’t go near.   

so 3 months on i find myself on here again putting my thoughts here.

still kissing and talking,finding myself addicted to him,i feel as if i am chasing for something that will never ever be mine,how can i do this to myself,i do all the chasing and making an absolute fool of myself,a few years ago i would never put myself in such a vulnerable position,i have always been sensible when it comes to matters of the heart. i get asked out frequently but dismiss all potential suitors as he has my heart ,and he isn't even aware of it.or is he? and he just sees me as a convenience. 

i am going to talk with him in the week and just say whats on my mind ,i expect i will be a basket case for the next few days as he is busy and can never find the time to talk,which is sooooo frustrating, he ghosts me so much,that in itself should give me the slap to wake me up to my senses but it doesn't,single syllable replies to texts just leave me speechless,hurt and asking myself what's wrong with me.

so i went for a 6k run to sort my head out and will do it until i see him,if i don't do that then who knows where my head will be at,all i can say its a good job i am still waiting on my passport,as i would probably just go now,its so much easier to run than deal with this. i thought i could shop myself happy today but it didn't work,just wasted money,£50 on a plastic baseball bat,walking dead replica lucille bat,i am the one who is batty,my parents are walking on eggshells,which isn't fair as they don't know what they are dealing with,dad keeps throwing money at me to cheer me up,but they don't know me that well as money means nothing to me,don't need or want it .my best friend ej is away til next week,but i know when i open up too her she will be shaking her head at me,hopefully all the runs i am doing will put me in a better frame of mind,as its a bit lost. i'm not drinking as i don't know when to stop ,not that i say incriminating stuff,i just love everyone when i am drunk. all else fails i will just up my head meds and hope that works.....