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Let's all just "move on" says Coronavirus

First great loss to Coronavirus - Some Pick and Mix - Yesterday A spokesman for the Coronavirus Pandemic today emphatically suggested that we should all just "bloody well move on" and ignore the actual events that are actually happening around us in a absolutely horrifying manner. The Coronavirus Pandemic has asked that we all just "Carry on as if nothings happening and let us just get on with getting Brexit done." Savage Recession Pauline Goggins of Sparta on the Wolde highlighted the need to work together during this difficult time. "It's not fair, the coronavirus has obviously killed upwards of 40000 people and this will absolutely rise on an ongoing basis whilst also dragging our country into a savage recession full of doubt and fear for the lives and futures of all of us but is that any reason to be critical of the Coronavirus?" She went further. "We need to be able to make an absolute mockery of common sense and get on with it, otherwise how will we function. I mean I stabbed a man over a three pounds seventy debt in the early 80s but you didn't see me crying into my Woolies pick and mix. I mean that would have been the first thing to go if that was still around." Numberwang The Coronavirus also had a lot to say about the future. "Obviously this has been a great success and it's gone very well and anything that suggest otherwise is a lie but we would like to make some promises today that will gain us a good look in the short term and then pretend we never said it and bury it later on." It continued "For example we guarantee that we won't get anything wrong or sacrifice lives for the sake of a fictional economy based on a fictional system of paper and computer numberwang which is essentially monopoly but you only get a pound and everything on the board has gone already and if you are a minority there are load more go to jail boxes and you owe us a pound." Lockdown Rules Following on from the suggestion and also fact based evidence that the coronavirus broke lockdown rules the Coronavirus refused to comment. "I can't comment on that because I am too busy moving on from it. The lockdown was difficult for all of us, I may have been on a round trip up and down the country exploring the highways and byways of England buy who of us in the same position wouldn't do the same, then lie about it, then gaslight everyone and pretend they have a problem and then ignore it and wait for it to go away. Then call everyone else arseholes?" Approval Rating Following the moving on that the Coronavirus has assured us that we will all be doing it has promised to step back from the limelight for the time being and take some time out. "How much can you inflict on people before they start to wake up? My approval rating is going down, I have a drink problem I'm pretending not to have, I have a cenobite giving me advice and I genuinely think that if we can just make sure we keep our base happy by appealing to right wing populist narratives the world will be absolutely fine." Snake Oil The Coronavirus is also reflective and looking to the future. "We have to move on and have a little break, then we can stop moving on and do the whole thing over again but harder, faster and more devastatingly crippling for not only the physical but the psychological state of the nation. That being said though if we can still continue to behave like a bunch of snake oil salesman dismantling your very lives behind your back while smiling at you and lying to you with almost every sound that comes out of your mouth or every twitch of our very being then why won't the future be absolutely golden." Brexit was unavailable for interview but stated "Here's Johnny." Menacingly from under a Wetherspoons paper lunchtime menu covered in HP sauce and the dreams of the innocent. Read the full article

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Man claims it is only fair we hate everyone equally particularly "the straights"

A Man - Demanding - Yesterday A man today shared his disgust at the idea of men having sexual relations with women. He stated that they were "All at it, these Heterosexuals." and in a insensitive move he stated that they should ban "straight marriage". Stiffly Steve Trent from Ickenham said he was "sick of watching these Heterosexuals walk stiffly all over the place acting like it's ok to put those dangley things in those moist dark places or whatever they get up too." Physically Ill He also stated that he "Doesn't want to see it all over the telly either." as he feels physically ill even if he sees a man making eyes at a women. He isn't prejudiced though, as he said he wasn't, when he said. "I've got nothing against them but I don't want to see it or hear it, think about it or to be cognitively aware of it." Halfords It's also beginning to take a toll on his relationships as he told reporters that. "One of my mates said that I keep going on about these heterosexuals so much I'm probably a bit straight myself. So I threw a brick at him in a Halfords car park." "I've read the bible from cover to cover and nowhere in there does it say it's alright to kiss women on park benches in summer after a lovely picnic and all that shit." Genitals There was also concern at depictions of female genitals which Steve says "It's an absolute disgrace, I want more testes visible in popular culture and less boobies and female nethers. I've seen everything on tv and film but you never see that bit between the testicles and back end do you? Give me one example. Just one. Have a think about it. See. That's the definition of discrimination if you ask me, which you have, which is why I've said it." Steve is taking his fight to court, the food court that is, where he's going to hand out over three thousand leaflets he made from all that brown paper they wrap up one tiny item in a massive box in from Amazon. James Corden Steve shook the local pub up in January when he grabbed the mic at our Carol's 40th and lambasted the slightly interested crowd with words including but not exclusive to "If being straight is a choice then it's none of anyone's business and if it's not a choice then it's still none of anyone's business so what difference does it really make unless you are straight and like girlies, which is evil." He continued uninterrupted as the buffet arrived. "There are more important things going on in the world like people starting to like James Corden, seasonal flu coming up in the winter and the world literally being on fire but my own opinion of what I like must be heard." As taxis arrived to take home creepy Uncle Jeff Steve had one more thing to say. "If we don't stop representing straight people in popular culture people might think it is normal. My dad was straight but at least he had the decency to hide it behind a cold exterior, passive aggression and not a single sign of affection for any other human being in his 68 years of life. That's the dream." Steve's wife told the Druids Loom "Stop listening to him, I've told you he's not been the same since he lost that double glazing job in the 90s." Read the full article

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We'd Rather Give our Data to Satan, than Dominic Cummings

Data Harvesters Dream - The NHS App - Next Week (possibly) The British People have decided that they would rather hand over their personal details to Beelzebub himself, than  allow Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson to get their grubby little hands all over it. Beady Eyes "A few weeks ago I thought the NHS App would be a good idea to help stop the spread of Covid-19," explained Harriet Butterflaps, a furloughed worker from Surrey. "However when I found out that the government paid one of Dominic Cummings' mates £250 million pound to make it I am definitely not installing it on my phone. I don't want his beady little eyes trawling through my personal stuff and knowing my whereabouts in real-time," she added. Insidious Your data, which will not be anonymised, will be stored by the Government for 20 years, for some inexplicable reason. The government will be able to harvest your personal details for a range of insidious purposes, just like when Dominic got all your facebook data from Cambridge Analytica and stuff. Village Idiot "I am incandescent with rage," explained Barry Fromage, a furloughed worker from Yorkshire. "You are expecting me to trust serial liar and village idiot Boris Johnson with details about where I am and who I have been with. He can fuck right off," he explained. "What I can't understand is why we are not using the Apple/Google app which first of all works, secondly respects data privacy and thirdly hasn't been set up by a bunch of untrustworthy cunts," he mused. Fat Useless Carcass The Druid's Loom approached Boris Johnson and asked if he could alleviate the concerns over installing the data harvesting NHS app. "Well, errr, um, err,, um waffle, sploffle er, hair ruffle, waffle. I fully stand by Mr Cummings and want to draw a line under the matter and move on. Err Um, Wash your hands for 20 seconds and err, maintain social distancing." He then ruffled his utterly stupid and embarrassing hair once more, before turning his fat useless carcass round and walking away rudely. Weak and Pathetic Sarah Sadhips, a furloughed worker from Gloucestershire told the Druid's Loom, "I felt a bit sorry for Boris when he caught Covid-19 and nearly died. He looked so weak and pathetic. But now he's acting weak and pathetic, standing up for, evil personified, Dominic Cummings. I mean really, nobody believes the eye test bullshit do they? Any bloody moron can see that is a load of old bollocks." "Actually, bugger them all - I'm going to the park and having a BBQ with my mates, fuck 'em, fuck the bloody lot of them, the utter, utter, utter, utter bastards." Read the full article

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Clap for Wheelie Bins

A Collection of Stalwart Wheelie Bins - Yesterday It started with "Clap for the NHS", which was lovely. Then someone suggested "Clap for Boris", which many people enjoyed not doing. Finally, some mentalist came up with "Clap for Kids", for some fucking reason. Campaign The Druid's Loom is now proud to launch it's own campaign to "Clap for Wheelie Bins", to take place next Tuesday and 8pm. "I think that it is a wonderful idea where we can finally show our appreciation to our wheelie bins," explained Druid's Loom subeditor, Gregory Jizznip. "No matter what colour they are, and whether they are used they deserve our support. General, food, garden or plastic waste, it doesn't matter," he dribbled. Slurring "Just imagine this crisis without them," he continued, slurring his speech slightly. "We would just have to throw our rubbish into the garden." Not everyone is convinced with this idea. Insane "Is this really normal behaviour?" said Glenda Candyfloss, a parsnip grower from Buckley. "Fucking clapping at everything? It's not is it? It's just a sign that we have been locked up too long and we are going a little bit insane." "Personally I think that humanity has had it's chance and Covid-19, is nature's way of telling us to move over and let the insects take control." Madness Scientist Fred Huncklechop told the Druid's Loom, "What we are seeing are the classic first signs of madness. Wanting to clap or bang saucepans at random stuff. None of it actually helps. If people really cared, each clapper should donate a quid to the NHS - imagine even if half the population did it, that would be about £20 million quid a week." "That's nearly as good as any bullshit printed on the side of a fucking Brexit Bus," he concluded. Important Notice: Any reader planning on clapping for Kids, Boris, Bins or their Neighbour's Uncles's Dog, should either seek medical help, or just have a beer and watch the telly instead. Read the full article

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Clap for NHS

A Man - With Syphilis - Yesterday Dear Druid, I was disgusted to learn today that there is an online campaign, running on Facebook and Twitter to give our NHS heros The Clap. Haven't they got enough to contend with, with the current Coronavirus crisis, without being infected by painful, superating, syphilitic lesions. These so called "do gooders" should be bloody ashamed of themselves. Yours Disgusted, from Portsmouth.  

A Message from The Druid

Dear Valued Druid’s Loom Reader/Subscriber, In this time of crisis many potential readers have now mowed the lawn, washed the car and are not sat at home on their arses. They have run rampant around the local supermarkets and totally cleaned them out. They are already bored of Netflix, the internet and masturbating. They need something else to get them through the day. This is where you come in. I thought it would be a lovely idea if we could lift the spirits of the nation with a Countrywide Covid Comedy Contribution. I am looking for writers and cartoonists to help to submit hilarious articles and cartoons for the website during this difficult time. Also if you know of anyone else who has skills in this area �� get them involved too. It's great fun, you get to publically take the piss out of politicians and vent your rage at anything you disagree with. Any profits made, will go to donating bog roll to old folk. You can email me the drivel you produce directly at admin@druidsloom.co.uk. or use the following links below. Article Submissions can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/submissions/ Cartoon Submissions Can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/druids_toon_submissions/ Spoof Adverts Can Be sent Here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/spoofads/ Letters to the Druid can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/send-us-a-letter/ Druid’s Loom Problem Page here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/ask-the-druid/ With Your help we can Make Britain Laugh Again Thank You The Druid xx Read the full article

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Drone-avirus

Dear Mr Druid, May I remind people they should be standing at least 2 miles apart at all times. Anyone found walking on moorland or mountains with a gap of less than 2 miles between them will be shot on site by a police drone. Unless you're an aristocrat, obviously. Yours sincerely, Genghis Arkwright The Police and Crime Commissioner for Yorkshire Read the full article

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The Blitz Spirit

The Blitz - Not Quite the Same as Covid 19 - The 1940's Dear Druid, As a former Health Minister who shed 50,000 nurse places from the NHS, I appeal to the Druids Loom community to remember the example set by our grandparents and soldier on in the heroic wartime Blitz spirit. My own granddad was in the Luftwaffe. Thanks in advance, Jeremy CHunt, Westminster Read the full article

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Banks Prove They are Utter Bastards

Your Money - Being Taken by British Banks - Yesterday Whilst the country languishes in lockdown, and heroic front line NHS staff struggle in the fight against Coronavirus, British banks prove (if any further proof were needed) that they are total and utter fucking bastards. Sick, Vulnerable and Desperate In a totally despicable move, British banks brought in a raft of measures to squeeze every last penny out of employees, employers, the sick, vulnerable and desperate. Taking Everyone's Money "Having screwed the country over in the banking crisis of 2008, by taking everyone's money, we needed something else demonstrate what utter cunts we are," explained Banking chief Sarah Tightanus. "Thank heavens for Covid-19." she chuckled heartily. "We have brought a number of measures to basically bleed desperate people dry." she added. Paltry As people are preparing to survive on 80% of their salary, or the governments paltry £94 a week sick pay, British banks have decided to: Raise their overdraft rates from 9.99% to 40%. Increase the cost of personal loans. Fail to pass on the Bank of England cuts in interest rates to mortgage payers. Win Win "It's basically a win win situation for us. As people run out of funds they will have to get an overdraft and we can rake in the cash," Ms Tightanus chortled. "Those paying a mortgage are totally fucked, and whilst we may give them a payment holiday, you can be rest assured we will charge whining little wankers shitloads in interest - why the hell should we lose out," she moaned. Shitstains The Druid's loom approached Professor of Fiscal studies, Helen Nelen and asked her for her opinion on the Banks attitude to the crisis. "Unfortunately British banks prove time and time again that they are complete shitstains," she told us. "They take everything and funnel it directly to their chief execs. It's sad that Covid-19 has brought some of the biggest bastards out of the woodwork. There is Tim Martin (Weatherspoons), Mike Ashley (Sports Direct) and Philip Green (Top Shop). And, of course,  who could forget those twats who took all the bog roll?" she continued. Pile fo shite "However, sat right on top of this immense pile of shit is the British banking system," she concluded.

A Message from The Druid

Dear Valued Druid’s Loom Reader/Subscriber, In this time of crisis many potential readers have now mowed the lawn, washed the car and are not sat at home on their arses. They have run rampant around the local supermarkets and totally cleaned them out. They are already bored of Netflix, the internet and masturbating. They need something else to get them through the day. This is where you come in. I thought it would be a lovely idea if we could lift the spirits of the nation with a Countrywide Covid Comedy Contribution. I am looking for writers and cartoonists to help to submit hilarious articles and cartoons for the website during this difficult time. Also if you know of anyone else who has skills in this area – get them involved too. It's great fun, you get to publically take the piss out of politicians and vent your rage at anything you disagree with. Any profits made, will go to donating bog roll to old folk. You can email me the drivel you produce directly at admin@druidsloom.co.uk. or use the following links below. Article Submissions can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/submissions/ Cartoon Submissions Can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/druids_toon_submissions/ Spoof Adverts Can Be sent Here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/spoofads/ Letters to the Druid can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/send-us-a-letter/ Druid’s Loom Problem Page here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/ask-the-druid/ With Your help we can Make Britain Laugh Again Thank You The Druid xx Read the full article

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Retired Barber Makes Comeback

A new constructive way of social distancing hair-cuts Entrepreneur Gordon Coff gave Druids Loom reporter, Alison Henderson, an exclusive interview today over the phone in relation to the new Government lock down rules. Social Distancing Gordon, a retired barber from Fleetwood Lancashire, said he wanted to re-start his business charging people £200 a hair-cut using the Government’s strict social distancing rules. Brown Masking Tape Speaking excitedly to our reporter, Gordon, 71, told Miss Henderson, ‘’ I set up my new salon, Corone Hair, last night after watching Edward Scissorhands when I was bored shitless. I hurried to raid my garden shed and found a couple of shears I usually trim my wife’s large bush with. Anyway, she got some of that brown masking tape stuff, and wrapped the shears on to my wrists’’. Bog Rolls Asking if Gordon had practised his social distancing barber skills on anyone, he replied, ‘’ Yes, my Old English Sheepdog. My wife is a practising Monk, so she’s bald – and so is my dog now too’’. Mr Coff aims to make thousands from his new hair-cut social distancing venture and is currently making his own snazzy Edward Scissorhands costume. ‘’I’ve bought too many bog rolls and hand sanitiser, so I’m absolutely fucking skint at the moment, but I am making my own costume from bin liners and Sellotape. Our next door neighbour, Harry, used his fishing rod to sling over a ‘Just for Men’ black hair dye, as I am fully grey at the moment. But once the costume is completed and I slap on the hair dye, I will really look with it and look the part’’. Scruffy Bastards Gordon went on to say, ‘’ This is me doing my bit for the community. Even though we have to stay in, it should not stop us from being scruffy bastards. A neat and tidy haircut is what everyone needs right now in the situation we are in’’. Corone Hair will open its doors this Friday with strict measures in place. Mr Coff said, all his customers will be issued with mouth masks on arrival to stop any flying hair getting into people’s throats causing a cough, which might make them think they have the Coronavirus. Read the full article

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Man Pretends he Will Sort the Loft Out

A Loft - Yesterday A Hartlepool man Ron Ronnerson has for weeks been telling everyone he has met in every place that he has been that "This whole Coronavirus thing will mean he can finally sort out his loft." Pulling Down the Steps As Britain and the world went into lockdown Ron who works at a car parts warehouse began his monumental preparations to "Sort the loft." Including having a good old think about it and even pulling the steps down and popping his head up there to have a look. As Boris Johnson warned the country to not leave their houses due to the risk of even more thousands of people dying Ron is wondering if he should get some of that plastic stuff you staple to the beams to keep the house warm. Leather Jackets The NHS is ready for its biggest challenge since its creation with crucial PPE equipment and retired healthcare workers being called back into action. Jeff Linington a co-worker said. "The Coronavirus and its effects will change the planet but Ron is concerned that he's not sure where to put his leather jackets he had when he rode a motorbike that don't fit anymore." The world faces a dilemma of monumental proportions with each and every choice made by people in power saving or losing lives. Ron on the other hand shares his own dilemma. "I'm not sure if I should put the old bathroom tiles in the shed or keep them up in the loft. It's keeping me awake at night. It's obviously getting to the wife as well as she has gone really quiet and is staring at her phone constantly" Thickness However there is hope for the world as once the virus passes the new world created in its wake may pay more attention to the importance of human health and safety as capitalism and its effects come into stark focus. Ron on the other hand is less sure. "What with all this virus stuff, I'm really concerned for me and my families future, i mean, if i dont get the right thickness of board up there someone foot could go through." Druid's Loom Update Update: Ron quickly forgot about the loft when he realised he would have to actually physically do something. He has now moved on to wondering if he will buy some sort of trellis or trellisis or trellis or whatever the word for lots of trellises is. Read the full article

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Self-isolating Teenager

A Teenager - Self Isolating - Yesterday Dear Auntie Druid, My teenage son is refusing to come out of his bedroom and self-isolate. When I knock on his door he gets verbally abusive and tells me to just go away and leave him alone. He won't mix with anyone and only leaves his room for a few seconds to get food. Should I call the police? Thanks in advance, Concerned, Essex     Dear Concerned Essex, I appreciate your predicament. However, in the current climate I think grumpy, and surly teenagers are best placed to deal with the Corona Crisis, As a group they naturally self-isolate and are able to amuse themselves for hours and hours. I know that in the past that parents would be concerned by the amount of time their teenage children spent on their mobile phones, games consoles and masturbating, but in this uncertain times, this is now something to be applauded. My suggestion is why not join in? Except the masturbation part. Don't do that. Lots of Love Auntie Druid.   Read the full article

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A Plea from The Druid

Dear Valued Druid’s Loom Reader/Subscriber,

The Druid - Self Isolating - Yesterday Over the past 5 years (probably against your better judgement) you subscribed to The Druid's Loom.  Thanks to you, the website still gets many thousands of hits weekly. Arses In this time of crisis many potential readers have now mowed the lawn, washed the car and are not sat at home on their arses. They have run rampant around the local supermarkets and totally cleaned them out. They are already bored of Netflix, the internet and masturbating. They need something else to get them through the day. This is where you come in. I thought it would be a lovely idea if we could lift the spirits of the nation with a Countrywide Covid Comedy Contribution. (Just look at all that alliteration!) The Druid's Loom Needs You I am looking for writers and cartoonists to help to submit hilarious articles and cartoons for the website during this difficult time. Also if you know of anyone else who has skills in this area – get them involved too. It's great fun, you get to publically take the piss out of politicians and vent your rage at anything you disagree with. Any profits made, will go to donating bog roll to old folk.   Article Submissions can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/submissions/ Cartoon Submissions Can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/druids_toon_submissions/ Spoof Adverts Can Be sent Here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/spoofads/ Letters to the Druid can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/send-us-a-letter/ Druid’s Loom Problem Page here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/ask-the-druid/ Alternatively you can email any other old shit to me directly at admin@druidsloom.co.uk.   With Your help we can Make Britain Laugh Again   Lots of Love   The Druid XX Read the full article

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British Weather Taking the Piss

The Fucking British Weather - Taking the Absolute Piss - Today As usual the British weather laughed in the face of the UK population this morning, as it turned out quite nice, after months of utter shit! Havoc "I am basically an utter bastard," The British weather told the Druid's Loom, this morning. "It was hilarious sending in storm Ciara, Dennis and Jorge to wreak havoc across the country and bring misery to thousands of people. Now Coronavirus has hit and people can't go out, I thought, I know - I'll make The Sun come out." Hibernation "I can't bloody believe it," explained Walter Tightsphincter, a cabbage farmer from Worcester. "A month ago I was balls deep in flood water. I would have happily had a lock down to escape the utter foul weather. To be fair, I would have gladly hibernated between January and March," he added. BBQ The Druid's Loom asked The British weather what plans it has during the deepening coronavirus crisis. "Oh I have loads of great ideas," he explained. " I will gradually increase the temperature so staying indoors becomes absolutely unbearable. It will be perfect BBQ weather, but of course you won't be able to get any BBQ stuff in the shops - LOL" he continued. Deluge "Don't fret though, the second all this shit is over, I will send another deluge of tropical storms across the Atlantic - because that's the kind of fucker I am."   Read the full article

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Trump Orders Leeches to Fight Coronavirus

Some Leeches, - Doing Fuck all Against Viruses - Yesterday Embracer of quack medical practices, Donald Trump, decided that leeches would be his first line of defence against the deadly Coronavirus, despite clinical advice to the contrary. Moron "I have the best ideas", the Commander in Chief, told the Druid's Loom "I hear that leeches were used for many years to treat the worst sicknesses, bad sicknesses. The plague, I am told. We don't have the plague anymore, so the leeches worked," the fucking moron added. "I have bought millions of leeches and pharmacies will sell these to the sick, for money. They will prevent many deaths, many many deaths," the idiot explained. Critters Randy Bumsquat, a red neck leech farmer from Alabama, told The Druid's Loom, "I had the chorizo virus, and I treated myself with me leeches, and I got better. I emailed the White House to tell them." Mr Bumsquat was amazed by the response from the President. "The great Mr Trump, invested millions of dollars in my farm. He then made me sole supplier for the squishy little critters. I'll be rich I tells ya, rich," he squealed. Worst We tried to explain to Donald Trump, that there was only some anecdotal evidence, from a biased party, that leeches could have any effect against the virus. "You are a bad reporter," he bellowed. "The worst. The Druid's Loom is a bad publication. The worst. I have tremendous thoughts and I think that these leeches will work. You have the worst thoughts and they are FAKE NEWS," he said, stumbling over his words, like a person with a catastrophic brain injury. Proper Advice "There is no evidence at all that leeches have any beneficial effect against Covid-19," Medical advisor, Rumpold Shureshmuck explained. "The advice given by Mr Trump is not only wrong, but dangerous. He is a dangerous liar who is using this crisis to feather his own fucking pocket," he added Blood Sucking "This administration has too many blood sucking parasites in it already, without adding millions more," he said quickly, before going into hiding. Read the full article

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Shit Wipes Toilet Roll

A Big Shit in a Supermarket - Yesterday. Modified Image Courtesy of Indrid_Cold Under the BY 2.0 License. Shoppers at a Hereford branch of Tescos were horrified yesterday, to discover a huge turd wiping the shelves clean of toilet roll. Excrement "It was disgusting, this big fat heap of excrement was gathering up all the toilet roll and bundling it into his trolly", explained horrified shopper Marigold Anusol. "He left nothing for anyone else, and even got really aggressive when someone asked him to share." Shite The Druid's Loom managed to get old of the lump of shite at his home in Burcott and confronted him over his selfish actions, "I am entitled to purchase what I like, from where I like," blustered the festering mound of fecal matter, through his own stench. "When I voted for Brexit I voted to take back control, and this is me taking back control." Stool We asked the sample of stool, if if he thought it was fair that he had taken all the supplies for himself. "I don't fucking care if its fair. As long as I am alright!" he shouted at us. "Fuck the weak, fuck the elderly, fuck the vulnerable. As long as I am okay, I don't give a me," he exclaimed. "And you know what? I'm off out at 5am tomorrow to begin queuing for some more," he added rapturously. Defecation Social expert Bromley Peachfuzz explained these actions to the Druid's Loom. "Unfortunately there is a small group of society who thinks that nobody matters but them. These include pieces of defecation, streaks of piss, twats, penises and arseholes. Thankfully there are many selfless people out there too. Those working on the front line to keep vital services running and just nice human beings, who are reaching out to help others." Sweetcorn "As for the piece of shit, I hope he chokes on his stock piled canned sweetcorn." Read the full article

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Burglar's Career on Lockdown

Weldon says he will 'raise temperatures' - yesterday Fury In an exclusive interview for the Druid’s Loom, Bolton lad, Alun Weldon, explains his fury towards Boris Johnson. ‘’The Prime Minister has completely screwed my career up mate’’. He told our reporter. Weldon has been a professional burglar for over 20 years and says that the Coronavirus has completely finished him. Tena Lady Pads ‘’Boris is telling everyone to stay locked down in their houses’’, Weldon fumed. ‘’So I’m fucked now trying to find homes that are unoccupied. I’ve got tons of orders for bog rolls and Tena Lady Pads from folk off our estate, so I am gonna be well out of pocket. The only thing I can do now, is nick a car and ram-raid, Andrex, but that will get me some heavy time inside, so the only way forward is to rely on my Mam to bring the cash in’’. Poundland When asked if Weldon’s mam, Noreen, was a burglar too, Alun explained, ‘’ Nar mate. She’s never been in trouble in her life. But Boris is stopping the over the 70’s crew from going outdoors for 12 weeks soon, so I told her, she may as well go out tomorrow and shoplift her ass off, because she’ll only get tagged and curfewed anyway, so at least she will get some benefit of having to stay indoors, plus we will be quid’s in. She loves going in Poundland anyway, and I’ve lined her shopping trolley with tin foil, so she’ll be sorted’’. Screwdriver Reflecting back on his 20 year career as a burglar, Weldon told our reporter that the Coronavirus has probably done him a favour as he was pissed off doing night shifts all the time and having to lend his Dad’s gloves and screwdriver. Alun has now applied for a slot on, The Dragon’s Den, to pitch his new business idea. Although a closely guarded secret, Weldon went on to say, ‘’All I can tell you is that I have designed a few sex toys for when the country goes on lockdown. Boris said that we have got to do that social distancing thing and sleep in separate beds if we get any symptoms, so, I have designed the Corona Moaner for women, which is one of those vibrator things, and my Mam designed, Fiona Corona, a blow up doll for us men’’. Dry Cough Weldon is convinced that one of the Dragon’s will invest in his new sex toy range and said his products will definitely raise temperatures, but no dry coughs. Read the full article

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Wetherspoon Boss Upset By Coronavirus

A Coronary on a Plate - At Wetherspoons - Yesterday. Image courtesy of mat Walker Wetherspoon Boss Upset By Coronavirus Owner of Wetherspoons; the classic 'sticky table' ale house/eatery has reacted with dismay at the Governments suggestion that the elderly and vulnerable should self isolate. He is also livid that everyone else should avoid pubs and large gatherings. "My 'pubs' thrive on the business from the brexit voting elderly and mentally vulnerable," explained Noddy Holder lookalike Tim Martin. "I make millions a year, from weirdos, sitting in a corner talking to the wall and drinking themselves into oblivion" he added. "Plus all the Brexit voting elderly come in for their Full British Breakfasts and a pint. How dare the government put a stop to me making more money," he moaned. Brexiteer Beetroot coloured brexit voter Derek Selfish, told the Druid's Loom,  "When I voted to leave, I voted to take back control. And now I am being told to stay inside. Well Boris can fuck off! Even if I have the virus and I am coughing my guts up, I'll be down my local 'spoons' for the Mixed Grill and a Pint, " he ranted and raved at us. Racist "I love my Wetherspoons," exclaimed right wing shit monkey, Timmy Rubbington. "Where else can you get a plate of meat of dubious origin, oven chips and a pint for under a fiver. Plus its a great place to meet up with my chums, and moan about the immigrants and gays. I will continue to come here, despite the current Covid-19 crisis.", he added depressingly. Business as Usual "So basically I don't give a shit about anyone's health, or if they live or die. I just want more and more lovely money," Tim Martin said, smirking from ear to ear. "As for my staff, fuck 'em. It's bad enough I have to pay them in the first place; and most of them are foreign anyway." Scientist The Druid's Loom contacted a local environmental health expert, Clara Cleanthumb for her opinion on Tim Martin's cavalier approach to the nation's health. "To be honest, for anyone entering Wetherspoons, Coronavirus is the least of your worries," she explained. "When we last tested the carpet for cleanliness we discovered that it now has its own DNA and is showing signs of becoming sentient." Read the full article