dumb-ass-dog

[dumb-ass-dog]

I know you can feel it. Me slowly pulling away...Quietly packing away myself in order to make things easier for you, for me...

& I want you to stop me.. I want you to try. Try to convince me I'm wrong. Convince me things are going to be okay. That it's not the end of our era... but you dont.. you say trying to convince me is impossible...

But is it?

I just ruin things for myself. If I'm with you, I'm convinced you'd rather be with someone else. That when your with 6 just missing them...you never initiate anymore, & I can't help but feel unwanted...undesired...unattractive.

So I'll keep slowly drifting..until the string finally breaks or you finally decide to grab my hand & fight for me. But what if you don't? & that's what you really want...is to just let me go...but you won't say it....

[dumb-ass-dog]

I loved cait vi stuff & now it just feels tainted & I fucking hate it.

[dumb-ass-dog]

You want to know why I crashed out so hard? I don't need a therapist to talk me through it or figure out why I felt the way I did. I refrain from saying certain things, even still, because I don't want to hurt your feelings even after everything we went through. I still hold myself back because I know it sucks to deal with me.

But in short terms, I felt absolutely betrayed by you. To think about our relationship as a whole, & I think of all the times I catered to you, sacrificing my feelings for you, sacrificing my comfortbility for you, allowing you to have other people involved, all the sex work I let you do, despite how I felt about it because you always made me feel like if I wasn't working on myself growing as a person then this wouldn't work. So I let you do what you wanted to do, despite how I felt, & I can understand how confusing that would be. But at the same time, if I held it together the last few years & only just now had an issue with one person & I finally put my foot down about it, I expected you to listen to me & cater to me & pick me over any other person on this planet because I thought that was how our relationship was supposed to be. But it didn't feel that way with this at all.

I feel like I have done so much for you & in the spand of less then a year I felt like you had betrayed me in so many different ways. Didn't say things, didn't admit things, didn't tell me important things, actions, everything & a sorry couldn't fix it. Not to mention you then made me feel like you had to think about being with me, wanting this other person & that made me feel so unimportant. That my words meant nothing. That YOUR words meant nothing. That my pain meant. Nothing. Because if I was important? If you wanted to be with me like you said, but you had to think about if this was what you wanted in the end because I said no & you both made me feel unsafe & unimportant in MY relationship, that you lied & betrayed me with & I'm just supposed to accept it, put my trust & faith in you anyway, & let it happen? Despite how many months we went through SHIT because of them? Yeah of course I crashed out. You wanted them & that was obvious & the pain you caused me with it was inevitable & was bound to get to a point where I would decide for us that we should split. I'm not going to stay with someone who needs a third person for the rest of our life together. I'm not going to stay with you if you just feel guilty & responsible for me. I want you to be with me because you want to be with me, is that too much to ask for??

In a relationship that I had full on trust & comfortbility, a steady foundation & a strong core, & to have it suddenly be so fucking weak & falling apart & on the brink of ending because of this person & because of how you went about everything. & it felt like no matter how much a screamed, how much I cried, how much I physically & mentally went through & you STILL tried to keep them around. & you expect me to just stay & work it out? Fuck that.

& sure. You said you stopped talking to them & are working on us, but for how long will that last, is that even true? Are you just going to hide talking to them like you have been for months? I know they will pop up or you will pop up for them & then I have to hope you'd even tell me about it. You have crafted this way of not saying specific information unless I specifically ask about it & I shouldn't have to. & I'm sorry, but it feels like you did all this fucked up shit & it feels like you'd rather bail out & end our relationship instead of working to fix it. Unlike how I worked hard for years for you. Trying to be what you wanted me to be. Fixing the wounds I made in the beginning, helping you heal your old wounds from your ex as well. I worked hard for so long for you & then to feel like you wouldn't even fight for me felt like a slap in my tear stained face.

You let me go MONTHS in emotional distress & anxiety just so you could talk to them & hoping to be with them in the future. Even after I fucking said no & I wasn't for it & you STILL tried pushing it on me till I litterally flipped out like you've never seen before. & you want me to go to therapy now, because you had pushed me to my fucking limits.

Nothing felt real. Everything still feels so off.

Before you said you stopped talking to them you made effort to make me feel close & physical. Holding my hand or having a hand on my shoulder as we laid in bed.

& now it feels like your holding it against me. Don't want to touch me. Don't send me reels. Don't initiate touch. It feels like your angry at me for all of this & that's bullshit. You don't get to say we are the main relationship, the core, then someone comes around that your core isn't okay with & just think "I can make the pieces fit" like no, that goes against anything you've ever told me about how our relationship worked! Now all of a sudden I'm toxic & "need to be mutual" & "find a middle ground" because I want all the information that your still hiding from me. If I ask who your talking to, that's toxic? Because you have been hiding & bullshitting me for a year & I'm just supposed to work around that? Fuck no. It's not toxic to expect your partner to be completely transparent, & the fact that you don't want to be means, to me, that there was more going on that you refuse to admit because you know it'll mean I was right in my feeling some type of way the whole time. & that fucking hurts.

& if you don't want to put in the effort to work on this & get it back to better, then please stop leading me on. Because I can't fucking take it.

I don't know what's going to happen for our future. I love you but I can't expect you to change a core thing about yourself. & I can't expect myself to change if I don't feel like your being honest or working on things either. I don't know what to do.

[dumb-ass-dog]

Everything you *like* makes me feel like it's about them & not me & it makes my heart hurt more.

[dumb-ass-dog]

I want to know everything

I want to know every fucking thing you've said after I set that stern boundary in September.

I want to know every little thing that you deliberately disobeyed me in doing, I want to know how far you were willing to go behind my back.

But that's "toxic"

It's toxic that I want you to say how youve hurt me & how far you took it. Because in a time that I felt so bonded & safe & like I finally had a foundation, like my world could never be shook, & now it feels like the world under my feet is always unstable. That nothing is safe & nothing is secured. Like I could fall through the floor at any minute. Yeah it's toxic to want to know how you talked to someone else when you were telling me "nothing was happening"

I was used to that crappy feeling. Always used to my world never being secure, always on my feet, ready for the room to crumble, but that was normal.

But with you, I had never felt a Floor so secure. Like I had actual stability & stone under my feet. Like my life finally had purpose & I had someone always willing to fight for me or have a place to lay my head.

But now it all feels tainted. Things we loved or enjoyed is tainted slightly grey by a third person.

"You don't know them" I don't fucking need too

I thought I was important. I thought I was on top of this mountain we ruled & instead I found myself slipping off the sides & you would just say "I'm sorry", "I'm selfish I guess"

Sorry doesn't put the blood back into my veins.

Sorry doesn't mend the broken bond.

Sorry doesn't mend the floor that is now crumbled around my feet

& I don't know what to do anymore. How do things go back? How do I feel safe again after feeling like nothing matters? How do I trust you after you've done & said things that hurt me! I'm so fucking lost in this. My head is against me & my partner can't be trusted. How do I trust you when you can't tell me the truth because it fucking hurts! & you know it hurts..

It all fucking hurts so much & I can't breathe & I don't feel loved & I don't feel special & I don't feel important.

It doesn't matter. I don't feel like I matter. If I mattered you wouldn't be doing things to hurt me.

Maybe I should just leave. It'll be better for both of us. You won't have to deal with my shattered chest & toxic mental demons & I won't have to stop you from pursuing what you really want.

& I'm sorry you can't have both.

I'm so angry. Unfiltered rage ignights in my chest & it makes me scream like a coyote stuck in a trap. My mind is a wildfire, sparking flames onto anything that was sacred. I thought I was sacred...I thought I was special...But now I feel like a ghost. Like my words are just thin whispers on an unchanging wind, it doesn't change anything.

I'm sorry you broke my fucking heart & my trust is now a shredded scrap of thin fabric draped over jagged teeth. I'm sorry the acid of anger is burning holes through my skin & my mind is a thin veil of voices that only lead me deeper into darker waters...thick black waves that fill my mouth with disgusting salt that burns everything it touches, including me...including you.

& the person I always reached out for, you, your hands feeling cold & slippery like oil against water. Words that fall out of your mouth are heavy, like stone hands grasping & groping my kicking legs, pulling me deeper into the darkness & filling my gasping mouth with more thick sludge.

I need you the most, but your hurting me & it's the most awful contradiction I have ever had to deal with. How do you heal a heart while it's still snapping at its surroundings like a feral animal & you feel like the hands that have taken care of you are sticking fingers in your open wound

Can't breathe can't breathe!

[dumb-ass-dog]

@wickesdt

[dumb-ass-dog]

It's my fucking fault.

It's my fault honestly.

It's my fault.

It's my fucking FAULT.

[dumb-ass-dog]

Cockblocking myself because I feel like there's shit going on that's probably just me being paranoid but also maybe im not paranoid & I'm actually picking up things but everytime I say something it turns into an argument or I'm made to feel like I'm crazy

I swear I'm not crazy. I swear I'm getting vibes & seeing shit kxncjsjcbskskxb ugghhhhhh just say something but I cant

[dumb-ass-dog]

I'm just so fucking angry now. I don't want to be, but it's so consuming in every little thing I'm told. I'll be doing fine & then you'll bring them up & it starts all over again.

Yeah it makes me mad. You're still talking to someone I made clear I wanted you to stop. I even said you can do it in your own time instead of right then/right there, because I don't like creating stern boundaries & I had trust in you to do it on your own.

Instead it's been some time & where's the end of it? Still letting me know they said this or that because I need to be in the loop so my brain doesn't take it & run wild. So did you just forget what I said? Or did you never have any intention to stop? Because the latter pisses me the fuck off.

The direct decision to disrespect my request fucking sucks, & it shows me where you really stand on things. That this person is more important then me. That talking to this person is more important then me feeling secure in my relationship with you. That it's more important then my trust in you, apparently. & that's how I see it.

I didn't even ask you to stop talking to the one person you hooked up with without asking or telling me about it. That should fucking say something.

"They remind me of me when I was younger" oh fuck off.

So yeah. I'm fucking angry.

[dumb-ass-dog]

I’ve been thinking obsessively about being fucked doggy, where they’re shoving your head into the pillow and fucking into you. Or the kind where they wrap their hand around your throat and force you to arch back against them. Or the kind where they stop moving and telling you to fuck yourself back on their cock so they can see how desperate you are. Or the kind where they’ve lost all semblance of control and are holding onto your hips and fucking into you so hard you want to cry. Did I mention doggy is my favourite?

[dumb-ass-dog]

I love when someone does everything I like honestly

A little teasing, sure, but you better fucking finish me before you piss me off. 😂

Stopping me from orgasm more then once will honestly kill my vibe so hard. I don't like being deprived. Lol

[dumb-ass-dog]

Not my partner doing 2 whole things that make me absolutely gush during sex

Like pinning me down by the throat & kissing me softly while I tried to focus on keeping my toy "on the mark" & if it wasn't for it missing my damn clit repeatedly I would have cum so hard 😭

Ughh I was dieing for them to stick their fingers/cock/ strap into me at the same time, & as soon as she did include fingers, that was it, I was done lol.

Ugh she's been so good at focusing on me & my stuff that I feel bad that I'm not doing more. I even said I wish I could "do her better" but she reassured me I'm doing grade A work 😂 but maybe I'm just being extra hard on myself idk.

But fuuuuck next time I hope she straps me & pins me by the throat again so I can just cum immediately lmfao

[dumb-ass-dog]

Sylvia Plath // Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[dumb-ass-dog]

I crave the side of you that you don't show to anyone else.

[dumb-ass-dog]

Wanting to have sex but being way too self conscience to actually act on it fucking sucks so hard. I don't know how to initiate anymore ughhhh you've been with someone for almost 10 years & you forget how to ask for sex without feeling like they are totally not interested in the first place. I miss being attractive where someone wanted me every second. I miss being able to gently brush against someone & that was enough to get them rock hard or going.

I know I just need to put in the work. I just miss feeling wanted. Maybe I'm not making them feel wanted?? Maybe I need to try more? Ugh idk

[dumb-ass-dog]

"I'm so close," I moan as their thickness moves in and out of my hole at a toe curling pace. "needy boy, I haven't even touched your cock yet!" their eyes glitter as I groan pathetically, "you like when i fuck you like this?" they grunt. "yes, yes, yes, I love it, you fuck me so good, fuck, I'm so close." I gasp as my stomach tightens. "stop talking and cum for me then." they guide my hand to my straining cock and watch me lustfully as my back arches. The friction of my hand around my cock making me writhe as the pleasure of their hardness sliding in and out of me coils me tighter and tighter and I cum in seconds, "good boy, let it all out." They groan as I shake and cum and moan so loudly.

[dumb-ass-dog]

Trying to lose weight so I don't have to feel like I'm crushing my partner when I'm ontop of them because she is noticeably more skinnier then I am 😭