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dumbbutstillfun · 3 years ago

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Changing Aesthetics

Okay, I want to change up my look. I think the best way to do that would be to slowly integrate different pieces into my wardrobe and find one that suits me. I STILLLLL haven’t lost weight, so I need to do that first. Ideally I want to lose 65 pounds, (want to be 115) however, I’d be cool with 45-50. I need to get a job and find a hobby, I want to start thrifting and finding cool pieces. I’d love to eventually get into sewing or something of that nature to improve upon pieces I find. I want my style to be kind of a girly/goth style. I Googled it and am absolutely in LOVE with some out the outfits I’ve found. I’m gonna make it happen.

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dumbbutstillfun · 5 years ago

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This is my favorite song right now.

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dumbbutstillfun · 5 years ago

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Everybody’s blind when the views amazing.

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dumbbutstillfun · 5 years ago

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Random bs

Trying to eat healthier and feel better about myself. I’m starting the Radiography program at my college next summer and I’m really doubting myself. Over the next seven months I’m really going to try as hard as I can to stay motivated and make better health related decisions. I need to stop smoking cigs, I’d like to lose at least 35-40 pounds, and start working on my mental health. I know 7 months isn’t a lot of time, and I’m not aiming for perfection, but I want to be in a better place than I am now. Life has been throwing a lot of curve balls at my lately, with my car being in the shop for almost two months now because I’m battling with the warranty company (my car has engine failure, I HAVE to have a car to attend school). Not to mention I’ve felt the lowest I’ve felt about myself in a long time. I’m constantly lashing out at my sweet boyfriend and I hate myself for it, but it’s been really difficult to get over the fact that he cheated on me multiple times last year. This is kind of like a diary to me I guess, and it makes me feel better to write about it. I’ve never really been more lost than I am now. I’m doing well in school maintaining a 3.6 GPA and happy because this is the best I’ve ever done in school. I hope I’m choosing the right major, but I’m terrified. I’ve never really envisioned myself in a healthcare field before but I’m feeling optimistic because sonography seems like something I’d really enjoy, and it pays well too. I’ve always been scared to be “average” and not really do anything special with my life but I guess over time I’ve realized that I can do good things with my life that don’t pertain to my job. It’s something to get me started in life, and I’m really hoping that I do well. I still have to get accepted into the program, so I need to start working on my application. I guess I just kind of wanted a way to........ idk, talk about the way I feel and the things I’ve been going through without actually having to talk about it. I know this is all over the place but this is my raw emotion without a filter. I’m tired of being so nice to everyone who’s a total bitch to me. I’m tired of not being confident enough in myself to stick up for myself when someone upsets me. I’m tired of being a disappointment and I want people to be proud of me for once. I miss my grandma, I miss my papa, and I miss living at home and waking up to go school in the morning even though I thought it was the worst thing I’d ever have to do. I miss having friends. I miss the way my family used to be. I miss having a good relationship with my sister. I miss the way my mom was before her dad died. I hate my dad sometimes. I love my dad sometimes. I wish I never had to see my dad ever again sometimes. I wish my relationship was better with my dad sometimes. I miss my dad and the way he was when I was younger. I miss being able to wear size 4 jeans, I miss my naturally blonde hair, I miss my brothers. I wish they’d move back. I feel completely alone at times, and sometimes I want to break down but it only comes out as anger. I’m tired of being so angry all the time. I’m tired of being SO depressed. I’m just so so tired. I wish I had someone to truly confide in, but a lot of the things are the way they are because I made them that way. I have never wanted so badly to disappear, but unfortunately I’m much too good at that and may never come back. My family, or what’s left of it, seems to really be rooting for me. It doesn’t feel real. They just want me to do something with myself so I never have to ask them for help again. Have you noticed that no matter who someone is or how prestigious they are they’re always toxic? My family reeks of toxicity. Even my sister who swears that never talking to our family again was the best thing she ever did. I understand where she’s coming from I guess but I kind of, no, I really hate her. I really hate my sister. I really hate how stuck up she is and how she makes jokes about me when I’m around her, I hate how SENSITIVE I AM. I hate not having good relationships with my loved ones I just kind of hate life right now and I’m really fucking sad. Someone tell me to stop. I could literally write forever, I’ve always loved writing. I love drugs, I love money, I love bad things. Is it awful that sometimes I wish I could do drugs all the time and nothing else until I die? I truly feel that way sometimes. It’s stupid. I’m fucking stupid. Getting good grades at a community college isn’t shit. I’m not doing anything worth a fuck it feels like. I’m good at disassociating. I’m bad about getting upset about things that don’t matter. I’m good at not getting upset about things that do matter. I’m not good at much. Idk. I’m good at customer service. I stutter when customers get mad and I back down too easily. I’m a good driver. I try to be a good dog mom, I get mad at my dogs but I’d never hurt them or let them go without something they need. I put them before myself. I put a lot of people before myself. I’m selfish. I’m selfless. I’m a mess. I’m sad I’m just really sad. I like decorating my apartment. I like spending time with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I wish he hadn’t done what he did to me, I sometimes resent him for it but I’m really trying hard to move past it. I truly trust him. it’s been over a year, I think he’s really proven himself to me even though I doubt him at times. I hope no one ever sees this. I guess it doesn’t matter no one knows who I am on here anyway. At least I hope not. Ok I should probably stop. I feel better.. I guess.

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dumbbutstillfun · 5 years ago

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