dumpingmythoughtsonlife

[dumpingmythoughtsonlife]

the past 4 years of my life tw//just really sad venting stuff

I'm writing this because writing is one of the only things I'm good at, or so I remember.

In truth, I haven't written anything that wasn't asked of me since I still had my spark, around 4 years ago. I honestly have no idea what exactly went wrong - whether it was an individual event or just an accumulation of mental stress that cracked me over time I can't remember.

What I do remember is how vivid my mind was when I still had my spark. My mind was always firing and making new ideas, and I was exceptionally good at many of the subjects I despise now. This earned me the praise of "gifted" and "intelligent", and the title of Aspbergers syndrome.

This diagnosis of Aspbergers syndrome has hindered how my family views me: I am constantly handled in a manner, by my family, that would befit a toddler (or more fittingly, a circus animal). By this, I don't mean that they "dumb stuff down" for me, but rather they don't believe me fit to make my own decisions, or to come to my own conclusions about life and my condition. Most frustratingly of all, they interpret what I think to be normal as a joke, which brings to mind the aforementioned circus animal comparison. This has always reared its head in minor matters, but has bubbled over in recent events as I banked all my hopes on another diagnosis, one that I thought was sure to help me: ADHD. I will explain why.

I cannot concentrate on tasks, even if they are integral to my dream of making music. My mind has constantly tortured me by dragging my itself to unimportant matters, which is what I blame on my life remaining essentially stagnant for the past 4 years. I have a passion for piano, but I still play at a beginner level despite my best efforts over these 4 years. I also have a passion for art, but it is the same situation. Being, supposedly, so exceptionally good at writing and mathematics and terrible at the things I would like to pursue pushed me to neglect my talents, and my peers are catching up with me in school through their studying.

Worst of all was being stunted emotionally. I do not feel emotion, and I have not felt closeness or empathy since I lost my spark. This has naturally made forming relationships extremely difficult, as I do not care about them. I regrettably see relationships as something to chase rather than to cherish, and I doubt forming these relationships would bring me any joy.

Consequently, once I lost my spark I searched feverishly for a cure. Adjusting the vitamins and minerals I ingest, stretching my sleep schedule to ridiculous hours, and ultimately taking antidepressant medication to try and regain a piece of myself. Nothing had worked for me, and so I remained stagnant. I did not give up my search though: there needed to be something that I could do to help me regain the version of me that I didn't hate, that could do the things it wanted without being tormented by its own mind. Every single day for the past 4 years has consisted of me looking for "something" to help me - eventually I subconsciously accepted that this journey gave me purpose, despite knowing it was futile.

My last hope was banking on ADHD medication. I convinced myself that all of my suffering would come to an end once I get my hands on Ritalin, or Vyvanse. I expected the clouds to open up when I took that first pill, and to be able to claw back the progress my condition had taken from me. Nights Googling ways to treat apathy, and countless wasted opportunities and relationships would finally pay off. For every time I resolved "I am going to change", and nothing had changed, I convinced myself that this time was different. Surely if I could quiet my mind down I could work on solutions in peace.

I now sit in my room knowing that it was not the case. 10 milligrams of Vyvanse and 2 cups of coffee in the morning gave me a level of clarity long forgotten, and I assumed that once I increased the dose to 30mg (the recommended dose), I would regain my spark. After increasing the dose to just 20mg, I noticed extreme thirst and discomfort that counteracted any clarity that the medication might have given me, even without the coffee. Even now, after taking my 3rd cup of water in the past 2 hours, and consuming electrolyte drink, I feel thirsty and disjoint.

I have been knocked on my ass so many times before that I convinced myself that the failure of the solution I had bet my entire life on was just another minor obstacle. I convinced myself that Vyvanse was not the right medication for me, and Ritalin would surely be the solution.

If I was not completely emotionally apathetic up to this point, this ordeal, and the following ordeal, most likely would have driven me to suicide. I also fear that I will suffer the same reaction once I do regain clarity, for my scattered mind is the only thing preventing the loss of 4 years of my life from dawning on me.

I voiced my concerns to my parents, asking them to contact the one who had prescribed me the medication and request a different medication. They treated me like always, and did not take into account what I was saying. They came up with solutions for the side effects: to suck on hydration cubes to deal with the thirst. They said I was being irrational for only being on the medication for a week and making such a hasty decision, that the doctor who prescribed it to me would turn her back on me. What no one will ever understand though, is my excruciation. Because of my emotional apathy people always view me to be emotionally stable, but I am the exact opposite. Up to that point I was holding on by a thread, and being treated like I was not fit to make my own decisions made me finally give up.

That is my confession: I will continue to live, but I have given up; On my dreams, of regaining my spark. I am a hollow shell of a human being that longs for what could have been, knowing that in my current state I cannot achieve it. Any deviation from this sentiment is only temporary, as I always end up in the same pit that I have lived long enough in to become familiar with.