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[duskys-mind-palace]

11/27/23

Dear Diary,

It’s been five days since I’ve been taking my supplements and vitamins and i feel fantastic!!!!

I worked out three DAYS IN A ROW and took a rest day today

Tomorrow I think I’ll hit legs since day one was legs as well!

-add more (time for dinner)

[duskys-mind-palace]

11/24/23

Dear diary,

I think it hurt the most when I turned around to let him know that I aced the practical I was so worried about only to realize it’s been almost two years since I’ve been together.

For a brief moment i felt I was sometime in 2021 when we were the happiest we had been in a long long time right before it all went to shit again. But that was the way it went, experiencing the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

I didn’t even realize that dynamic is incredibly destructive until much much later.

The holidays has me thinking about family and the dream I had the other night brought to my attention how much the divorce makes me want a nonbroken family. One that does not judge and criticize, one that loves.

Until then, I’ll keep trying to do healthy things like sleep and eat and exercise. Anyways it’s 2:30 am time to sleep…. If I can…

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.

555 days… but I’m not so sure having that schedule will actually change things for me. And maybe I need to change the way I think instead of relying on an external source…..

[duskys-mind-palace]

11/23/23

Dear diary,

Today I hopped out of the shower and realized I lost all the gains I had worked so hard over months and months to obtain.

I know how to fix it but it’s hard. My appetite is nonexistent and without energy I cannot hit the gym. I feel like my strength is all I had left and now that it’s gone I feel I have nothing left. The family which I hold dear to my heart is very cruel

Anything I do is wrong in their eyes and years of emotional dependence has finally broken me down. I don’t even want to visit them this December.

All I want is to have a normal appetite so I can eat and lift. I hate having to force myself to eat it’s disgusting.

Maybe I’m just a baby though others have it worse.

I just wanna be happy again. I think I have to give myself something to look forward to. And that thing will be the third year of school. Because that’s when I’ll be able to get my life back on track. I basically have to survive until then.

Until then I’ll be taking my supplements, daily fruits and veggies, drinking water, fixing my sleep schedule, studying, and making art if I can.

I’m not sure of the exact date, but last year the third years started in the beginning of June and there are 556 days until June 1st 2025. So I’ll just keep waiting until then, holding out hope.

Short term I will celebrate 100 days from now, which is March 2nd, 2024

Well that’s the first time I’ve smiled today!

Sincerely,

Me

[duskys-mind-palace]

[placeholder, to add more later]

I def see Colby and Christian as parental figures

I acknowledge I am placing a lot of my emotional stock onto them. They are where my home and my heart is. I love them so so so much.

[duskys-mind-palace]

Made this in the beginning of 2023 (this was harder than expected)

10/29/23

Dear Diary,

I’m tired of putting off my hobbies for whatever reason. Here’s to creating and sharing art without limitations.

I won’t share this blog with anyone I know IRL so that way I won’t feel embarrassed to post or anything. Ya know that’s one thing i hope to change for the coming year. Straight up not giving a fuck about what others think so I can live my life in peace.

And by that I mean a healthy lack of fucks not being given. Like how eventually I’m going to have to stand up to my parents. I would consider myself a person who values harmony and balance and the inevitable conflict makes me feel uncomfortable. I cannot fulfill all their expectations and simultaneously live authentically.

It’s one of those things I’ve been dealing with my whole life though. Sure I’ve gotten better at being more assertive with others in my life but doing that with my parents…. It’s like the final boss of fixing this flaw. I love them and I know they won’t be in this life forever. I guess I’m at an age where you really start to realize how short life is. I’m not *that* old tho haha

It’s just that my mom sent me a selfie and I saw wrinkles on her face that weren’t there before. I’m crying typing this but I really needed to get this off my chest. She has chronic Lyme disease and arthritis and other heath issues so…. Ahhh I just have to enjoy the time I have with her.

Ok happy stuff now. Im visiting everyone for Christmas break yay. Ok I know I said happy stuff but the thing I’m not admitting about going home is that I’m afraid of running into my ex even tho it’s highly unlikely. Im more likely to run into one of his parents…. Which would also be undesirable and gut wrenching. If I’m being honest I don’t want to be in the same place I shared a lot of memories with that part of my life.

It’s probably for the best that I confront my issues rather than run away from them. Haha reminds me of that meme “men will do anything but go to therapy”

I’m no man tho, clearly

Other than that, I truly am looking forward to seeing my friends and family.

I can’t wait to show you more art! I’m cookin something up with ms paint :3 I might take it over to Krita to add other details, we’ll see :D talk to ya real soon!

Sincerely,

Me