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[dwaimyguy]

6/29/23

okay so today was pretty good i ate under 800 cals but i did have a large binge last night so it was pretty easy. hopefully tomorrow the scale will show that i’ve undone everything i ate last night 🤞 plus i’m going out tomorrow so i’m excited to drink not excited about the calories that come with drinking so my plan is to eat under 300 cals and then drink as much as i want. we’ll see how it goes. this journaling is helping me tho i feel like i’m being held accountable.

cw: 155

gw: 135

ugw: 120

[dwaimyguy]

i’m starting up again. we’ll see how long i can stick with it. i binged like crazy today so i’m going to fast tomorrow wish me luck 🤞

cw: 155

gw: 135

ugw: 120

[dwaimyguy]

AGDHSHJSJKAK

Hate myself so much rn

I probably weigh 165+ rn

Back to starving myself starting right now

Enough is enough

I want to be thin again

I want to be 140 again

I will be 140 again

[dwaimyguy]

Hollow.

I would say that jealously makes you hollow.

Depressed. Angry. Mad. Sad. Lethargic.

I don’t want to leave my bed.

But…I need to.

I need to wake up and do a fifty minute cardio workout to shred off the extra twenty pounds I packed on this year.

I need to shower and shave any inch of hair on my body from my toes to my fingertips.

Lord forbid a girl has peach fuzz.

I need to eat a salad with lean proteins. Or even better. Not eat at all. A cup of tea should be fine.

And after all of this I have to present myself to the world as a strong, kind, funny, passionate, beautiful, cautious, thoughtful, driven woman to earn the respect of my peers.

Jealousy is a disease and I’ve fallen ill.

I can pretend like I don’t know who she is.

Petite. Fair-skinned. Blue eyes. Dainty. Elegant.

She’s what keeps me up at night.

Every time you criticize my waistline I find myself thinking about her.

God! Am I jealous.

Five foot two. Eyes of blue.

Why can’t I be her?

Not a day goes by without me thinking about her.

About how she treated you. How despite this, you still loved her.

And when I’m lost in thought in the middle of the night fixating on a woman I’ve never met I wonder if she even knows who I am.

Does she care about me?

Has she thought of me?

Is she jealous of me?

I sometimes fantasize a world where I meet her.

A nasty woman presenting herself as a saint.

I’ve imagined myself cursing her out, publicly humiliating her, exposing her for the wench she is to her friends and family.

Five foot two. Eyes of blue. And from what I’ve heard, she leaves quite a bruise.

After everything she’s done to you, she should be beneath me.

Yet here I lie, with her face clear in my mind.

While she’s asleep, I’ll be here.

Jealous.

[dwaimyguy]

Well I’m fat again. Weighed in at 162 this morning. Disgusting. Trying a diet for the next three weeks to get back into shape before vacation. NO MORE than 800 cal a day I don’t care how healthy it is it’s short term and I’m a disgusting ogre right now. I’ll be giving diary updates again. Today, I ate a half cup of greek yogurt, a banana, and a protein bar. I only ate that much because I have a game tonight. God. I worked so damn hard to loose the weight and I gained TWENTY pounds back. I’ll update as I go through this process. I’m going to drink as much water as physically possible the next 20 days and hope to god I weigh in at 150 by the end of it.

[dwaimyguy]

🕯🧿 Manifesting 🧿🕯

🕯I will lose 10lbs by the end of this month 🕯

🕯I am always losing weight 🕯

🕯Losing weight is so easy for me 🕯

🕯I'm losing so much weight 🕯

🕯10lbs will just fall off me, easily 🕯

🕯🧿 I claim this 🧿🕯

🕯🧿 I claim this 🧿🕯

🕯🧿 I claim this 🧿🕯

[dwaimyguy]

21 was somehow worse than 16

[dwaimyguy]

Literally hate my fucking life

[dwaimyguy]

Well it’s day two of journaling and I’m typing this at 3:42PM which means that tonight will be the first good night or another relapse. I just need to step on the scale a couple of times to realize I really don’t need to keep eating. I didn’t go to the gym today because I was so tired—I haven’t been getting more than 6 hours of sleep the last couple of days. So no way to burn calories, meaning I’m back at the 1200 restriction for today. I also leave for a road trip tomorrow morning and I’m shitting bricks. I’m so anxious that I’m going to loose control and binge eat on the road. It’s so hard when you’re meant to be relaxing and enjoying yourself but all you can think about is the rolls on your stomach and how you’ve gained 10 pounds in the last three months. So regardless of what we do or where we go every single bit of food that enters my mouth is going to be tracked. I really want to stick to 1200 again tomorrow but who knows if I’ll be able to do it or not. Anyway, this morning for breakfast I had cereal with a protein shake as milk, more veggie chips, some vitamin gummies, half a south west salad, and I just ate a pint of favorite day reduced fat ice cream. I feel full. Obviously I want to eat everything in my pantry right now and I’m going to freak out later tonight when my boyfriend tries to feed me snacks but for right now I’m quite pleased with myself today. Did not hit my protein goal though :////

Caloric intake: 1,188/1,200

Protein intake: 66/100

[dwaimyguy]

Well uhhhh hey guys it’s been a while. I’ve actually lost about 20 pounds last year, and now I currently weigh 150 on the dot….unfortunately that’s not going to cut it. I’m going to start journaling again when I can, and I think I’m going to allow myself an additional 200 calories to what I had last year. Ik ik I have lower body fat so I should be eating less but I’ve been working out quite a lot and I don’t want to loose muscle. So today, I ate 1600 calories. Literally me a year ago today would have had a mental break down about it. Truth be told, I’ve really been struggling with eating. During finals week, I binged and purged three days in a row. It was disgusting. I had to clean up my own vomit from the toilet seat the next day, and the worst part is that I didn’t even puke enough to outweigh the sheer amount of junk food calories I ate. Also something different is that this time we’re protein focused. Last time I ate whatever the fuck I wanted as long as it stayed within my budget but I’m trying to gain muscle to loose fat so I have to try to get at least 100 grams of protein in a day. I think adding that scale at the bottom of my posts would do me well. Todays food was kind of a lot, and I did eat outside of what I tracked as well (bites of salad and chips and gummies). So take this with a grain of salt, but because I’m going to be stricter tomorrow I’m trying really hard not to break down over it. Breakfast was big—I just woke up so hungry. I had a strawberry fair life protein shake, cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and a protein bar. For lunch I had another protein bar and some panera chips. Then when I got home I ate skinny pop popcorn and some chickpea chips. Then I went to the gym and only ran a mile lol kinda fat for that ngl. After the gym I ate more cottage cheese, more popcorn, and I totally splurged at the end of the night and ate yogurt with berries and granola. Like I need more carbs. Regardless, it totals to approximately 1600 calories for today. I also do not have the same daily access to a scale so I won’t be adding my weight with each food diary just because I won’t know what it is each day. This morning it was 148.5, and I ended the day at 150. Again, fat as fuck for that. My ultimate goal weight is still 125. I’ve literally lost 85 pounds my fat ass can loose 25 more. Let’s do this bitches.

Current weight: 150lbs

Goal weight: 125lbs

Protein intake: 142g/100g goal

Caloric intake: 1,600/1,400 goal

[dwaimyguy]

we’re lovers now but what are we after

[dwaimyguy]

when will it get easier

[dwaimyguy]

It be like that

[dwaimyguy]

I feel fat so I'm back again :')

*Me trying to squeeze back into tumbler *

I hope I can post regularly this time :')

[dwaimyguy]

[dwaimyguy]

10/7/20

okay so today i did binge and i do feel like a fat fuck for it but who cares. also i’m super jealous and i’m trying to learn to not be but it’s really fucking hard. i need to learn to be happy for my friends without being sour about it. i also need to stop talking about myself. like actually it’s really bad. so from now on i’m going to try to not only talk about myself and to start listening and caring about my friends the way they do for me. oh yeah. today i ate chicken with rice and beans for lunch, a latte with potstickers and cauliflower wings for dinner, and two double stuff oreos and like 55 pretzels. i really went overboard with the pretzels and i feel really gross because of it. i need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to not eat because then i only binge. so yeah even though i went down on the scale this morning i know for a fact that tomorrow my progress will be ruined and ngl tjat fucking sucks. anyway i hate myself and i’m acting out and ruining friendships because of it. lololol anyway i’m gonna go kms. jk. well. yeah. jk. god why did i binge. ahhhh. also i fucking hate myself.

calories used: 2,116/1,200

current weight: 168.9lbs

[dwaimyguy]

10/6/20

so today i definitely over ate and ngl it’s not a great start to this journaling thing but i do honestly truly believe that i will be able to do this. i had pretzels for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, chicken and veggies with pickles for dinner and i overate more pretzels lmao. even though i did eat (way) over my limit i’m honestly not too pressed because i was still in a deficit. tomorrow will def be a 1000 calorie day though. i will kashoot myself if i’m over 171 tomorrow though lol. okay game plan tomorrow i’ll wake up, maybe go to the dining hall for breakfast to grab a fruit or something. then eat the fruit right before class and then finish my assignment for my bio lab. after i’m done with the assignment, i’ll go to the lab and hopefully i’ll have had either nothing, a coffee, or a really light lunch just so my tummy isn’t all rumbly. after that i’ll have a super light dinner, depending on if i eat lunch or not. the goal is to only have 800 calories tomorrow because i need to get crack a lacking if i want to hit my goal weight by june.

calories used: 1,657/1,200

current weight: 171lbs