dwarfstaralloy

[dwarfstaralloy]

     There is no bravery           without fear.

canon-divergent ray palmer. indie. private. selective. as written by ara.

[dwarfstaralloy]

"I love you"

meme: love confession status: accepting (from mutuals)

The words do not register at first. Ray's talking, an excited if somewhat overenthusiastic ramble on the breakthrough he's had in a more streamlined version of his suit and a way to extend the abilities he's given it to objects and even living things around him. Maeve's - as always, beautiful, beautiful human being that she is - listening to him somewhat indulgently. He doesn't know what he's done to deserve the attention she gives him, really, but she hasn't once told him to shut up and instead has helped him when he gets like this and -

I love you. She says it somewhere between "- an adjustment to the charges here -" and "- maybe I need to rethink the helmet's com systems -" and he only really absorbs it when he's got his fingers around a fiddly piece of wire and Ray - well, Ray freezes, his mind going blank for a good long moment. "What?" He squeaks. He is not ashamed to admit it. "You - what?" Bewildered, hopeful, terrified, he turns wide eyes to her. "Why?" Because Maeve is beautiful inside and out, kind and intelligent and the best person he knows, and she could do better.

[dwarfstaralloy]

Send "I love you" for my muse's reaction.

*Can be taken as romantic / platonic / familial*

[dwarfstaralloy]

He doesn't call her out on the lie. It's one Ray uses as well, after all, and he knows that she probably feels the same way he does when he says it - like it's true, like it doesn't matter that the weight of the pressure they put on themselves is threatening to crush them. They will endure, because what else can they do? His breath catches in his throat though, because he wants to tell her she could never let anyone down and can't. After all, he feels the exact same way. If he's not useful, if he can't do something, what use is he?

"You could never let me down." That, at least, is nothing but the truth. Ray says it softly but surely, eyes on her in a fixed gaze. "Just - promise me you'll take a break with me, alright?"

"You'd still be very pretty." He responds immediately though he does pull his hand back. The furrow between her eyebrows is gone. Or at least, diminished. Ray will take that for the win it is. He smiles at her, bright, fond, warm, every bit of his affection for her clear in actions and features if not in words. "All that stress isn't good for you, Maeve."

The words, said teasingly but no less sincere for it, make him a hypocrite, but he doesn't take the back. Ray's an anxious man at the best of times, but more so when the people he cares about are troubled. Maeve's worried about something, Ray can't say for certain what because there's always something. But he wants to ease that tension, that burden she carries if he can. If she will let him.

[dwarfstaralloy]

Maeve's still curled up a little into herself, but she's still not asking him to leave so here Ray will stay. She's speaking, continuing on the conversation and that's honestly more than Ray's hoped for. He sits next to her, hopefully a comfort to her as much as a distraction. What's done is done, she says, and Ray's lips twist upwards into a rueful smile. He's never been good at letting go, not really. The past hounds him, dogs at his heels - what he could have done better, how he could have helped more, how he could have saved someone if only he were just a little quicker, just a little faster. His ghosts live with him, and he can't quite shake them. It would not do to say that though, they're trying for distractions now. "Sometimes you need some cheese in your life to make a good -." He wrinkles his nose. "I don't know where I'm going with that."

That knot of tension and worry continues to unfurl as she continues the conversation. It is a distraction, a bandaid over the deeper things she clearly does not want to dwell on, and Ray is happy to oblige. She'll talk in her own time, or she will not. Ray's just here to be here. That's all he ever wants, for her to know he's here and not going anywhere. "I went through a shark phase." He shrugs easily, smile still playing on his lips. The other movie he can't say rings a bell and he says as much. "I went through a ghost phase though. But that - sounds perfectly cheesy and now I want to watch it."

[dwarfstaralloy]

It was some time before Maeve seemed to really look at him. The distance in her eyes worried him though he tried to keep it at bay, tried to keep a soft stream of words - mostly nonsensical reassurances when they both knew the costs they paid to survive. Or mostly survive. Ray wasn't entirely sure either of them came out of this unscathed, but they were alive.

More importantly to him, they were together.

"Of course." His words were a breath, soft and - and relieved. He knew she could hear that. Ray was not sure he'd rest easy if she were not within arm's length. Ray was not sure he'd rest at all, but at least if she were next to him he could calm his racing heart by being able to see her. The fear, the anger, the agony of what they'd endured was behind a numb immediacy, but if he were alone - Ray knows it would hit him all at once. What had happened, what he'd done, the regret he did not feel - it would threaten to swallow him whole and he did not want that.

Maeve needed him, and Ray needed to be needed. It centered him, grounded him and made him feel useful. If he was not useful, then he was a liability. If he was a liability, then Maeve could get hurt. Again. He could lose her, for real this time.

Ray wasn't sure he would survive that.

He wasn't sure he wanted to.

@dwarfstaralloy | continued from here

being part of a team was a learning curve: a difficult situation where she'd had to work out how to let others have her back in return. not that she was any good at it - not good at being seen, not good at being cared for. and for all her efforts... it was only ray that seemed to naturally slot in, only ray who understood her beyond the act that came as second nature.

was there anyone else she'd be able to trust like this after all? his touch gentle, both of them stained in suffocating red.

neither one of them spoke, there was no need, and maeve was pretty sure they didn't have the energy for it. survival was never easy. later, when they'd charged, she'd ask him what had happened, what she'd missed. but that was to come much later,  gaze finally moving to increasingly bloodied towel. "will you stay with me?" voice hurt to use, still not entirely healed from her ability dragging her back to life. "I don't want to be alone." and, instinct told her, he shouldn't be alone either.

[dwarfstaralloy]

I'm fine. I'll be fine. Ray could not keep his wry grin at bay at the familiarity of those words. How many times had he said them himself? It was only that he knew he would hate to be pushed when he was trying to hold himself together with fingers scrambling at the seams that kept him silent. Waiting, maybe, but mostly just being there. Maeve's hand wrapping around his unconsciously tapping fingers stilled him in more ways than one, suddenly all too aware that he was projecting a little bit too much. He did not want to scare her away and yet at the same time - He held himself very quiet, very still as if an incorrect movement would send her retreating back into silence. Her words hung between them, his heart aching. Exhaling slowly - more shakily than he liked - he tentatively turned his hand under hers to hold her back. "I'd say you shouldn't have to feel that way -" His lips twitched into an unamused smile. "- but that would make me a hypocrite." Squeezing her hand gently, he considered his words. "All we can do is be here in the aftermath. Sometimes that's enough." Even when it didn't feel that way, sometimes all they needed to do was be present.

@dwarfstaralloy | continued from here

sometimes she wanted to hate it, wanted to have the strength to destroy whatever on earth this unspoken bond of theirs truly was. the way he kept on reading her in a way that twisted her stomach, seeing her with a clarity usually reserved for anyone else. "I'm fine. I'll be fine." but the two sentences weren't quite the same thing, were they? not truly. surrendering on speaking was so much easier, moving a hand closer to squeeze his all the same, aware of the hesitant jitters that had seemed to plague his fingers as he battled with the decision of making contact or not. "I don't…" words slipped out - a vulnerability scientist didn't know what to do with. she wasn't used to it, how her voice, for once… sounded her age. young. cracked. "I don't know how to deal with it. situations where I can't be useful."

[dwarfstaralloy]

i've had this blog theme for years but i still cannot figure out how to adjust the css so that i have the arrows for previous and next pages. (same with the multi blog.) it FRUSTRATES ME.

[dwarfstaralloy]

6. for one muse to help the other clean blood off of themselves 

meme: comfort starters status: accepting (from mutuals)

His hands shook as he picked the towel up. There was no hiding it, but Maeve did not seem to notice anyway. Ray was glad of it. Relieved and sickened in equal measure about the blood soaking his skin, the blood that was neither of theirs, that he had spilled. It kept them safe, alive - but for the first time, Ray found he did not regret hurting someone else.

Somehow, he managed to steady his hands enough to wet the towel and turn to Maeve, murmuring softly as he pressed it gently to her cheek. Her eyes met his for a second, and all that regret he did not feel, all that guilt, was in her eyes. It solidified something in him, his lips turning up into a reassuring smile. Ray wasn't sure if Maeve was really hearing him but that was okay. She wasn't pulling away. He wiped at her cheek.

He didn't regret what he'd done, and he'd remind her that it was his hands that were bloodied, not hers, for as long as she needed.

[dwarfstaralloy]

“  i wish i knew how to talk about it, but every time i try i just— the words won’t come out.  ”

meme: comfort starters status: accepting (from mutuals)

Ray wished he had the words to soothe her, but the truth was that he was all too familiar with the sentiment she expressed. Here he was now, sitting with her and unable to find the right thing to say. The words won't come out. He kept his hand in the space between them, close enough to touch if she wanted and glanced at her. "That's okay," he finally said softly. "We can just sit here until you're ready." Shrugging, he added, "Or until you feel better. Either way -" he flexed his fingers and fought the urge to touch, unsure how welcome he would be. "I'm not going anywhere."

[dwarfstaralloy]

i apparently have 23 drafts (and i just remembered some of them are meme asks) but my brain is NOT BRAINING when it comes to ray. i will come back to them i promise.

[dwarfstaralloy]

comfort starters

WORDS:

“  i’ve got you. it’s okay.  ” “  stay the night with me?  ” “  i’m here. and i’m not going anywhere.  ” “  shh, it’s okay. i’m here now.  ” “  talk to me.  ” “  i wish i knew how to talk about it, but every time i try i just— the words won’t come out.  ” “  i’m afraid if i start crying, i just won’t stop.  ” “  i don’t wanna be alone tonight.  ” “  you don’t have to say anything.  ” “  do you want me to stay with you?  ” “  we’re okay— everything is gonna be okay.  ” “  it’s over now.  ” “  it’s okay if you need to cry. it’s just me. let it out.  ” “  i don’t wanna have to do that ever again.  ” “  i’m so fucking scared.  ” “  i won’t let you go through anything like that again.  ” “  you don’t have to deal with this alone.  ” “  i just need to feel something.  ” “  i don’t wanna talk about it. i don’t. i just need to forget.  ” “  whatever you need, i’m here.  ” “  please, just tell me what you need.  ” “  lay back down, you need to rest.  ” “  here, i made you some tea.  ”  “  drink this, it’ll help you relax.  ” “  let’s go for a walk. sitting here all cooped up will only make it worse.  ”  “  i can’t breathe. i can’t—  ” “  just breathe. breathe with me.  ” “  look at me. hey— i’m right here. you’re not alone.  ” ”  i feel so sick.  ” ”  i’m just so fucking tired.  ” “  what can i do?  ”  “  i need you.  ” “  i’ll always be here when you need me.  ” “  i was so worried— i thought i’d lose you.  ” “  i’m really worried about you.  ” “  actually i’m…i’m really not okay.  ” “  i keep telling everyone everything is fine and each time someone else asks i get closer to just. breaking.  ” “  you’re not fine. and you don’t have to pretend that you are with me.  ” “  everything hurts and i want it to stop.  ” “  i know it hurts now. but it gets better. with time. the pain gets a little less until it’s more of an ache rather than some big overwhelming lump in your throat.  ” “  just tell me it’s gonna get better.  ” “  i heard you crying— what’s wrong?  ” “  everyone keeps asking how i’m doing but— you’re the only person i really feel like i can talk to.  ” “  i can’t promise you it’ll get better. but i can promise you i’ll be here with you.  ” “  i just needed to see you.  ” “  i just need to know you’re okay.  ” “  get some rest, i’ll be here the whole time.  ” “  i’m afraid to go to sleep.  ” “  i can’t stop seeing their faces every time i close my eyes.  ” “  i sleep better in your bed.  ” “  i won’t say sorry because that just, falls flat. but if i could change it. i would.  ”   “  as long as i have you, i think i’ll be okay again.  ”

ACTIONS: 

1. for our muses to cuddle after one of them has a nightmare 2. for one muse to invite the other to get under the covers with them 3. for one muse to come to the other in the middle of the night to crawl in bed with them 4. for one muse to hold the other while they cry 5. for our muses to spend the night together after a traumatic experience 6. for one muse to help the other clean blood off of themselves  7. for our muses to take a bath together to help one or both of them relax after something traumatic  8. for one muse to show up at the other’s doorstep in tears  9. for our muses to have sex as a means of comforting each other  10. for one muse to make the other’s favorite meal to help them feel better 11. for one muse to wipe the other’s tears away 12. for one muse to gently take the other’s chin to get their point across while comforting them 13. for one muse to fall asleep on the other after breaking down 14. for one muse to carry the other to bed and stay with them  15. for one muse to confess something traumatic to the other  16. for one muse to make the other finally open up about something  17. for one muse to stay the night with the other to keep them from hurting themselves  18. for one muse to take care of the other who is drunk  19. for our muses to drink together after a shared traumatic experience 20. for one muse to confess their love for the other after experiencing something traumatic

[dwarfstaralloy]

Send me a '✉' for five times my muse didn't text yours, and one time they did.

[dwarfstaralloy]

❛ will i ever be good enough? ❜

meme: random angst status: accepting (from mutuals)

His heart stopped in his chest. It hurt to hear the question from his daughter, to think she felt this way. That Ray had ever made her feel this way. "Hey, hey." He reached out slowly, voice soft and steady despite the heartbreak he felt at the sadness in her eyes and her tone. "You are enough. You have always been enough, baby girl." Ray moved to pull her into a hug, resting his chin on the top of her head and closing his eyes and wishing he could make her feel his sincerity and his love. "You are everything, sweetheart."

[dwarfstaralloy]

littlebennettbitch:

littlebennettbitch:

send me five times kissed for a drabble about five times our muses kissed

[dwarfstaralloy]

"You'd still be very pretty." He responds immediately though he does pull his hand back. The furrow between her eyebrows is gone. Or at least, diminished. Ray will take that for the win it is. He smiles at her, bright, fond, warm, every bit of his affection for her clear in actions and features if not in words. "All that stress isn't good for you, Maeve."

The words, said teasingly but no less sincere for it, make him a hypocrite, but he doesn't take the back. Ray's an anxious man at the best of times, but more so when the people he cares about are troubled. Maeve's worried about something, Ray can't say for certain what because there's always something. But he wants to ease that tension, that burden she carries if he can. If she will let him.

[ CHEERING ] seeing that sender is scowling, receiver rubs their thumb over the furrow between sender's brows from @dwarfstaralloy

he loathes her worrying. maeve knows that, knows how he fusses like a mother hen when it comes to those he holds dear... a category brunette can't quite believe she falls within. the team has become a family of sorts - or at the very least, a collection of people who truly see each other. as much as maeve tries to support them without letting them too close to herself, well, it's not an easy task. not when he seems so determined to know her as well as she's getting to know him.

"stop that." she swats his hand with all the strength of a kitten, and the same utter lack of malice too. yet as he'd wanted, it gets a dry chuckle, it startles her out of her thoughts and worries alike. "what, worried my face will freeze this way?"

[dwarfstaralloy]

That knot of tension and worry continues to unfurl as she continues the conversation. It is a distraction, a bandaid over the deeper things she clearly does not want to dwell on, and Ray is happy to oblige. She'll talk in her own time, or she will not. Ray's just here to be here. That's all he ever wants, for her to know he's here and not going anywhere. "I went through a shark phase." He shrugs easily, smile still playing on his lips. The other movie he can't say rings a bell and he says as much. "I went through a ghost phase though. But that - sounds perfectly cheesy and now I want to watch it."

There's a loosening of the worry he always holds for her, the urge to hover and fuss and ensure she's resting and eating and taking breaks. The urge to take care that he knows can be too much. He holds it back and tries only to be here, be present, and hope it will be enough. One side of his mouth quirks higher in amusement. "Hey, if we're talking shark movies, I'll always go for the classics. Or The Meg. But 5 has a certain je ne sais quoi, you know?"