dyandyan0

[dyandyan0]

bye 2024 😚 12.27.2024

I am currently writing this on my phone so the grammar and punctuation should be a lot better (even though I hate writing on this tiny keyboard T_T)

I’m also currently in the Philippines! It’s been fun so far. But to be completely brutally honest I think it’s way too much family time for me. I love my family and they’re not bad people but I think like anyone my age I can only take so much bonding time with them. Only a week till I go home so I’ll still try to make the most of the time I have left, but I definitely feel a bit overwhelmed /anxious not getting real alone time here. I’ll live tho :p

So update on my last post, I’ve had Instagram deleted for a month now. When I first deleted it, I was a bit scared about how I’d feel about not having the app on my phone. Previous times I deleted the app, I folded and redownloaded in like less than a week because I couldn’t take not seeing people and posting things. But oh my god has this experience been quite the opposite. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders now not feeling like I have to post anything when I go out or prove something to an audience of people that I’m scared of getting perceived the wrong way by. I’ve replaced my Instagram time with reading this past month, and my screen time has gone down so much and! I’ve read like 10 books in just these 2 months. Shits awesome and I feel a lot more relaxed lately. I’m also done with my first semester of grad school (yay!) and did well I think, some of my professors still haven’t put in final grades but I have good grades in their class anyways so whatever. I literally pulled up to my EOHS final 40 minutes late and got the highest score in the class lmfaooo don’t let anybody tell you I’m not an academic weapon.

My new years goal is to run a 5k. I have not run a mile in like. 3 years. So who knows how committed I’ll be but I’m feeling confident as I’ve been able to commit to a lot of things I found challenging in the past before recently (reading, social media cleanse). I’m hoping drinking less and running will help with my stress levels as well.

One final thing to say before 2024 ends. Unexpectedly, or maybe I planned it, I hope they don’t read this but if they do fuck it, I’ve been speaking to an online friend recently quite a bit. I’m adding this here because I haven’t talked to anyone this much for this long in a very long time lmfaoo. So I wonder if I’m playing a dangerous game with myself again, and hoping I don’t end up hurting their feelings in the end and vice versa, but they know how I stand on long distance and I don’t really care if they do things with other people… all I know is I really like talking to them and they like talking to me. It warms my heart really, and it’s a type of affection I haven’t felt in a long time, and I realize I missed it.

I have so many more goals for the new year as well, such as getting a new job and saving more money, (I’m a bit scared with funds at the moment, woops) but I really want to stay in Anaheim as I feel like I’m just getting settled still. As I talk to this person as well, I keep trying to picture myself in a relationship again, and I still really don’t know how I feel about it. Hopefully things become clearer to me in 2025, I’ll see y’all then :)

[dyandyan0]

deleting instagram 11.25.2024

as the title says, i deleted my instagram this morning.

many reasons behind this decision, i was always a firm believer that if you wanted to take a break from social media and knew you wanted to come back at some point just delete the app, i didn't understand the point of deactivating. i understand now though as i decide to take this break that if i know my account is up i'm going to want to redownload the app and check notifications. i basically decided to delete my instagram because i am way to addicted to it. i'm ashamed to say that yupp i cared way too much about presenting myself in a certain way to people who just don't care.

this is embarrassing, but ever since my last ex, i've been a chronic who-viewed-my-story-checker. i usually look for guys that i am infatuated with at that moment to see if they liked or viewed my story, and it would always make me feel some type of way. i am also an avid "women need to stand up for themselves regarding guys who don't give a fuck about them" truther but i can't even front i post to cater to guys and other specific people in general that also don't give a fuck about me. so i need to get off. i have grown to cherish the people i have in my life currently so much, i don't even talk to them or post them that much on ig anyways. my friends and family that really love me and know where to reach me just text or call me anyways. the endless amount of stories that i view are from people that i don't even care about. it's just an endless cycle of scrolling past people i barely even speak to, but would be offended if i unfollowed, people i wants attention, who don't even think twice about me throughout the day, and bigoted idiots on ig reels. i have a good time when i'm not thinking about instagram. i have a good time when i feel like nobody is perceiving me, even if it can be painfully boring.

i'm not doing a whole social media cleanse however, i'm going to keep twitter and tiktok for the memes. twitter has lk become a brainrot ragebait website as well but at least i don't care what people think on there, and i feel like i can just mute phrases and block people that really irritate me (elon musk). instagram is just too superficial for me and i partake in that fakeness and just want a cleanse. if you see me back on there anytime before next year just put me down like a dog.

anyways, me, kj, bri, and zoie started a book club. the book we're reading right now is none of this is true by lisa jewell. i'm about 70 pages in and it's good imo so far. i finally finished tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow after leaving the last 50 pages unread for like a week because it made me too sad after the climax. it was beautiful and i'm glad i picked it up, despite some reviews saying it was boring. i really related to it and saw myself in both sam and sadie in how they viewed the world.

one sad part of deleting instagram right now (i feel like if i don't do it rn i'm never going to do it) is i won't be able to share and see peoples spotify wrapped this year lolol that's the only thing i care to see about others because i love music.

update you guys on how i feel about this decision later.. byeee

[dyandyan0]

two month and two week check-in? 11.12.2024

i can't believe the year is already coming to an end. i feel conflicted about how this year went, i think for the most part i have few regrets and still have a positive outlook for the future for myself. that isn't to say that i haven't had my moments. i do feel though, at this moment specifically, over something a bit stupid and predictable, that i have improved sosososososo much in terms of coping and acceptance than 2022. i am no longer crashing out over things that were pretty obvious from the start. i mean i still have feelings but i'm only human and so is everybody else.

no more being vague though, its been a week since the election. 12 years of trump in politics during my formative years has given me a very bleak perception of politics and the state of the world. i think a factor as to why i'm a bit more numb to other peoples actions lately is because i have been tending to compare my trivial problems to actual problems that people face in this country and the world. i know that probably isn't good from a therapists viewpoint, despite people going through harder times i shouldn't just ignore my own feelings, but in some ways i have to just see it as i gotta be grateful i live in a place where i don't feel like my rights are being super threatened (california for clarification). i was so overwhelmed post election on thursday i started to cry in my car. i fr shed liberal tears. i think it was totally valid though because here's a secret: a part of me is starting to really hate men. and not in a i've been burned by guys in relationships in the past way, because i'm a firm believer that girl's can just be just as bad when it comes to romance, but i was just feeling so sick with how the election turned out. i cried because i remembered myself in middle school, learning about abortion laws and practicing pro-choice debates to advocate for women's healthcare during a time where it didn't even seem like it was even really being threatened. i cried because i have so many friends and women that i have met that have personally shared stories to me of being sa'd and harassed. i cried because i have my own experiences. and now our president is a man who has openly said he would have relations with his own daughter, a man who comfortably said he could just grab women by the pussy, a man who has not one, not two, but 26 sa allegations against him? we're telling our daughters that all that doesn't matter, you can still become the president of the united states despite having that type of character. what does that tell our already red-pilled brain rotted sons? that we can look up to that kind of behavior? that they can get away with it?

i already cried over it, so i'm not going to again, i know that people out there are trying hard to have high hopes despite the outcome of the election. of course i don't think it's the end of the world. i'm just sad. i'm sad that we treat women so badly. i'm sad that we can't just go out alone without having to be hyper-aware of our surroundings. it's hard to feel empowered as a women when all men do is find ways to knock us down. FUUUCCK nick fuentes

i'm genuinely, in every way possible, so thankful for the friends i have made up to this point. i think i said it before here, but it's easy to take their care and concern for granted when you're caught up with life and other relationships. i hung out with motus, len, and andy on sunday night and while we kept clowning him for it, motus got shitfaced and kept repeating how much he 'needed this' and was happy he was being reunited with us. it was seriously the most fun i've had in awhile, and with people that i love dearly. those two literally were my ride or dies end of high school/ early college and quarantine, and i feel as though if i hadn't have had them during my lowest points then i really really don't know where i'd be. the three of us haven't gathered in years at this point because we've all been moving all over the place and getting caught up in work and school, but hanging out with them felt like i was in high school again (in a good way)

so to conclude, i think things will be alright for me, despite passing feelings that the world is falling apart around me.

last quick note, i really thought my attention span was cooked, but i spent all my free time reading this weekend. i finished whered you go bernadette (~350 pg), a book thats been sitting on my shelf for years, in one sitting. it was super fun to read, and i thought it was a sweet story. it was a lot more fun for me to read too because it's based in seattle and i understood a bunch of references regarding that. spoilers though, the only complaint i have about the book was the affair apart. because like why. i think ppl on reddit were also just like they could've voided that part and it still would've been just as good. i feel like the consensus with characters in media cheating is that the character feels irredeemable, which is true imo. i remember reading somewhere that both chandler from friends and jim from the office were supposed to have cheating storylines, but fought against them because they were like i don't think the audience is going to see them the same anymore. they were right for that

i also started tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. i got half way through and it's amazing so far. i'm just kind of scared cause everyone's saying how sad it is in the end. i'll probably talk about it when i finish it.

i don't know if i'll remember to update before the year ends, i leave for the philippines on dec 15 so we'll see!

[dyandyan0]

one month check-in 10.01.2024

its been one month since i move out here to oc and things have been going pretty OK.

when i last updated things were going very well, and they still are for the most part, but i think things have calmed down a bit and some of the excitement is wearing off and life is hitting me again. i just finished one of my first bigger papers of grad school (13 pages... yayy...) and honestly i procrastinated up until the very last second and turned it in with an hour to spare when i had about 3 weeks to do it. i also saw mitski on saturday, got a lot more drunk than i expected off of just 2 tall boys, and woke up the next day like yeah... i think that's the last time i'm going to drink for awhile

i drank a LOT this past month and i realized that my hangxiety has been getting worse, maybe because even though i've been having fun lately, i have been building up a lot of stress and and use drinking to kind of mellow out and get all social. however, by the time i sober up the next day, i'm straight up having heart palpitations and overthinking my entire life up to that point. ofc this doesn't happen every time i drink but it has happened enough this month where i'm like ok october i'm going sober (with the exception of like one party that i already agreed to)

anyways yeah so i saw mitski on saturday and honestly. i think i agree with those tiktoks that are like she doesn't hit once you find happiness and balance in your life. which is interesting because when i first started listening to mitski in 2020 i was in a super great place, i still just very much appreciate her music and her artistry but the peak of me listening to her and actually being super moved by her music was back when i was going through a break up which was... almost 3 years ago now. my mindset has changed a lot and i don't want to just listen to sad music when i'm feeling alright because it's reasonably a downer. she was also amazing live, but i couldn't help but feel like that was the most boring audience i have ever witnessed. literally a stadium with thousands of people and they were entirely still for what seemed like the whole set. obviously i don't expect someone to open up the pit at a mitski concert but even her upbeat most popular songs i barely saw anyone really even bobbing their heads. i hope i'm not being like tone deaf or something? i just feel like because of tiktok nobody wants to be "that guy" at concerts and get blasted for just trying to have a good time. i need to go to an emo concert again soon and rage.

on the way home from the concert i was drunk ranting to my friend bernard about random things. i told him i only cried twice this year (which compared to last year... i was crying like every other day because i was on hormonal meds). one time because my cousins death anniversary passed by and i was mourning him (which, reasonable. i don't want to get into), and another... over a guy

i didn't think i was gonna talk about this on here because i was like i don't know how public i'm gonna make this blog but i don't really think anybody's gonna actually read it and the chances of him finding and reading it are very slim so fuck it who cares. but i cried once around may over a guy who i had been (seeing, loosely) on and off for like almost two years. he was visiting home from new york and we went to huntington together and it was really nice. i've always enjoyed his company and thought he was a great, reasonable dude. we had a weird relationship but i personally never felt like he did anything to lead me in a certain way or purposefully make me feel bad. but he moved around may of 2023 to new york so i only really got to see him when he was visiting home, which was every few months or so. i had been pretty casual about him up until the last few times he visited, where i was like uh oh... actual feelings are starting to come up for me. i have too much pride to actually admit these kinds of things to people now, especially when i knew that there wasn't really a chance at that point that our dynamic would change, and i didn't even think i wanted it to. so i was stuck there being confused about my own feelings and what i wanted, and then he visited, and when i left his house i started to bawl my eyes out. it was just sad to think that we were gonna have to go back to being strangers again. i texted him a few days later pretty much ending things, and he agreed, and that was that. we still follow each other on social media, and when i saw that he was visiting home again this month, i was pretty broken up about it knowing i wouldn't get to catch up with him again. (even though i was the one who asked not to see each other again.... bruh)

i don't know if i learned any lessons from whatever we had was. i was sad over it, but it wasn't something that consumed my life in the way ex-boyfriends have. i think i'm becoming a bit to avoidant when it comes to dating and stuff for my own good, maybe i'm a little scared to make a connection like that again.

that has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. that and my assignment that i kept putting off. i think i just want to actually lock in now and maybe fix my fucked up sleeping schedule. this next week is supposed to get hot again and i'm not looking forwards to that :(

[dyandyan0]

oc resident 09.16.2024

its been 2 weeks since i've moved and i'm already feeling pretty comfortable in my new area. i've made my room all comfy, my landlord and roommate are all chill, and i was able to get through the heatwave with ac pretty much the whole time. the weather was at a high of 75 today, and i was overall feeling really positive about my time here so far. i have been going home every weekend to hang out with family and friends, but i've had good company here as well.

over the past two weeks, i've caught up with a few people that i haven't seen in awhile. some from college, and some from high school. updating people on where i'm at in life has been surprisingly hard. on saturday, i caught up with my friend aj that i haven't seen since early COVID times. i let it slip to him that i felt like an NPC, and he joked around with me and said "wow that's sad, you don't even feel like a main character in your own life?". i immediately was like wait no and tried to figure out what i meant to say. i think i just meant to say that i'm comfortable with the changes and getting accustomed to the flow of things that come with change. life has been constantly shifting for me since high school. people have come and gone, and so have jobs, experiences, and the different environments i've lived in. but i've become so used to the change, even embracing it at times. i'm happy where i'm at and whenever i pick up a routine, it never feels so mundane where i'm upset about it.

anywayss catching up with a bunch of people has made me feel like this meme lately. i'm glad i found the people in my life that i am comfortable with and feel like appreciate me for... me. i feel bad for people that constantly have to deal with fake friends and people that take them for granted. i love the people i choose to spend time with and i feel the love back.

the only real thing i have to complain about since moving is going back to school. of course it's the reason i moved and i'm excited to further my education and my career, but i am very intimidated by how much work i have to do in my classes. i feel like it's not even a lot, but i haven't gone to school in 8 months (even then, my last semester of undergrad i barely ever went to class), and my academic momentum is nowhere to be found. luckily i worked during my time away from school, so my attention span is not completely fried, but it's gonna take me awhile to get used to studying and prioritizing my school work again. these first two weeks have lk just been me fucking around and going out in my new area.

speaking of going out in my new area!!! so far i've been to 2 new cafes, and 2 new bars. everything is so expensive but i am so very vulnerable to a little beverage and a cool atmosphere to yap to my friends. i do need to chill on the drinking alc though, it hasn't really affected me too much but i think my liver would thank me for it lol. anyways, i've visited

the cauldron (https://www.thecauldronbar.com/)

the blind rabbit (https://www.theblindrabbit.com/)

da vien coffee (https://www.davien.com/)

& 525 coffee (https://www.525coffee.com/)

so far. all i have no real complaints about (ok 525 may be a bit too expensive for what they offer and how much they give you but the drinks i've had have been pretty good and they have a nice area to study in).

i'll check in again when i feel like i gotta update about something but so far things are going well for me over here. (fingers crossed)

[dyandyan0]

trying to be philosophical... and #mindful 09.02.2024

currently packing for the big move tomorrow. i procrastinated all day because i didn't want to start until all the laundry was done, and i got way too into sims again so i've been playing that whenever i have the free time and ended up wasting like half the day. anyways, i had this podcast on in the background while packing and it touched on a lot of things that i had been contemplating lately. i initially clicked on it cos i was like wow serj and dwight from the office. it was just very random and unexpected to see this duo on the front page of my youtube. i didn't even know rainn wilson had a philosophy/interview podcast!! besides the point, i was inspired by both of the ways serj and rainn saw creativity, art, and how they connected that to their views on sprituality and prayer. i don't want to butcher what they said and meant by trying to explain it myself, but they lay it out beautifully in the first 20 minutes of the video.

this topic made me think about how i have been able to take care of myself on a deeper, more spiritual level. i have never been religious. i think i believe in god, but i don't know if it's just because i fear what's to come after death, and the thought of a heaven and god is comforting to me. despite that, i often times have a deep resent towards many organized religions and teachings. it's hard for me to meditate and pray in a way that is meaningful to my soul and healing to my mind when i feel so conflicted about the topic. in the podcast, serj talks about his creative outlets and how they serve as a kind of prayer and meditation for him, and it really made me think.

i think about a more peaceful time in my life, when i was in middle school to early high school. i used to draw every single day. i used to draw on any piece of paper i could find. i was constantly sharing art, looking at art online, making connections through a small artist community, and finding new ways to advance my skills. i would start a project, and wouldn't stop until it was finished. by then the entire day would have gone by. i rarely get these bursts of creativity nowadays, with my last piece being made back earlier this year... and before that i don't even know when. it pains me all the time how abruptly i stopped drawing and painting once i hit high school. i feel all the time as though my ego got the best of me, i wanted to give into things that didn't serve me, petty high school drama, toxic relationships, a feeling that i needed to prove myself to people who didn't care about me at all. of course, i don't blame myself for giving into these things. i was a teenager, and most teenagers do. but i'm sad that i feel like i sacrificed my creative drive, my purpose for a very long time, to this lifestyle that i fell into, and i feel like i never got it back. i try so hard to find passion in art again. i look back at the stacks of filled sketchbooks in my closet that i completed from my early teen years often. i get inspired by them, open a new sketchbook, and struggle to make anything that i am proud of or feel like i'm having fun making.

i'm not completely hopeless though. i started scrapbooking earlier this year. it feels like a form of free therapy when i collect a bunch of new photos, receipts, former letters, tickets, etc. and sit down for hours to display them in the book. i felt serj on a deep level when he talked about painting and how he would start, then finish, and notice that hours had gone by. that's how i felt when i used to draw all the time, and how i feel now when i get the chance to scrapbook new things. i just want to have another outlet for me to express myself that's fun again, that makes me feel happy and good about things.

i don't know if i'm being a bit vague or if what i'm saying resonates with anybody. i just feel like i have felt lost for a very long time because i lost my sense of purpose. i lost my drive, a way for me to meditate and feel like i'm contributing to the universe, even in a small way. i'm trying to be more hopeful that i can go back to a point where i'm proud of myself in this way.

[dyandyan0]

first week of school... thoughts on dating (lol) 08.29.2024

everytime this song has come on on my playlist recently i feel like driving somewhere supeeerr far where nobody can find me, living life like a white person in an indie movie

and then the song changes and i quickly fall back into reality and go on with my day

i started school this week, crashed at my friends place in the mean time until i move officially next monday. my school schedule is pretty chill, i have night classes which i despise, but i can't lie to myself and say i'm more of a morning person. i'm excited to move, and i'm excited for the next two years and finally starting my career. i won't lie, i was a bit intimidated today planning out my semester and realizing just how much work has to be done after being out of school for 8 months now. i'm hoping that moving will give me the motivation i need though to lock in and actually do good in my classes and go out of my way to network and participate in extracurriculars. i can't work until january however due to circumstances with my financial aid, so i'm scared i might have too much free time also.

since i'm moving to a new-ish area, i started thinking about dating again. i haven't gone on a first date with a new person since 2022, and honestly my life had known nothing but peace because of it. well not really but i haven't been hurt by a guy since then in any soul-crushing ways so i call that a win. despite this, i've been having a really difficult time recognizing what my actual stance on dating and relationships is since my last boyfriend in 2022. i've only been in two relationships, and both ended really badly (cheaters... boooo). i have grown and learned enough by now to not really blame myself for their actions, and i would like to say that those previous relationships wouldn't affect how i would treat a future partner, but i really don't know how i would act because i haven't had the opportunity to find out. i don't know if that makes sense, but i do feel like the past has affected how seriously i take dating now and how i may look at a potential future partner. my first relationship, i was very clingy, controlling, and jealous. when that ended, i immediately jumped into the next relationship. i honestly had no reason to act those ways towards my new boyfriend, and learned from the previous boyfriend that acting those ways leads to absolutely nothing. despite this, i still ended up getting cheated on in that relationship also. when we broke up, i was terrified of being alone for the first time in 5 years. but 2 years later, i'm still single, and i really like it. i feel like it's hard for me to convince people that (not that i have anything to prove), but i feel like a lot of people can relate to the feeling of your friends automatically feeling bad for you because you're not in a relationship when everyone else is. but... i was the most miserable when i was in my past relationships. i let them affect me so much and disrupt my life for months on end. and i watch some girls i know get treated horribly by their boyfriends (or vice versa!) and it just turns me so off of the idea completely. i have been able to make progress with so many aspects of my life alone and i feel like i get reasonably hesitant of the idea of introducing somebody new into it, and i don't want to go back to that hopeless girl i was when i was going through relationship turmoil.

but. i still love love. i still remember what it was like to be in love and to feel loved romantically. there are a few times that i have experienced romance in the past two years, and i still feel like i giggle and kick my feet at the thought of those memories and moments. they're really uplifting when you go through them, even in really little ways. i hate to admit it, but even though some of these relationships brought me to my lowest, i was the happiest i had ever been when they were going great. when things were good, they (note: if you know me. i'm literally just talking about one of them. fuck the first guy actually lmfaoo i felt the need to clarify that) brought the best out of me. i do find times where i feel like i wish i had that person that i could go to for absolutely anything for. i feel bad for being cynical sometimes when it comes to dating and relationships because i don't fully feel that way, i know there's a part of me that would be happy and content if i just found the right person. but man that is so much work in my head as well and i'm like. i don't know if i care that much for it any more to actually go and look.

i don't know where i was going with this. this was all just to emphasize how indecisive i am when it comes to dating currently. i get to move to a new place, which means more opportunities to meet people (debating downloading hinge again T_T), but i'm a little scared that i'm so far gone now when it comes to this stuff.

[dyandyan0]

starting new 08.26.2024

i start grad school tomorrow. i move to a new place for the third time in 5 years on sunday. i decided to make this blog because i have so many thoughts and stories to share that i always intend to write out, but i'm either too lazy to actually physically write them down or avoid writing it on my phone because i think the notes app just looks boring and i don't like typing on that small screen. but, it's 2 am and i had the sudden urge to make a tumblr to resolve this problem. this urge was triggered by me looking back at old "favorited" videos on my youtube channel that i've owned for about 13+ years. looking at content that i was inspired by when i was just an early preteen actually inspired me to get back on tumblr at my current age and start creating and sharing my life in a way that felt rewarding and... aesthetically pleasing to me on here. i also started scrapbooking recently, and have met more people that inspired to me to be more mindful and expressive, which led to me wanting to share on here also. writing in a blog also just seems a lot more intentional and less like i'm forcing my spam account followers to read my trauma dumps or random yaps on ig.

anyways, i start grad school tomorrow. i've been working in my hometown since i graduated from cpp back in the fall. living at home again since covid restrictions were lifted back in 2021 has actually been pretty healing. i liked my work while i was here, and most of the people i met there were actually super cool and made me feel welcome and good about myself. when i was sad, i was able to be so in the comfort of my own home. when i was happy, i was able to hang out with my friends from home within a moment's notice. i also got to save money and feel like my life had somewhat of a structure and destination for about 8 months.

at this point, memories of undergrad are starting to become scattered. i feel like i've lived 20 lives since i graduated high school. over the years, i traveled around all of southern california, and every location is attached to a different memory. some with friends, some with family, some with ex-lovers. they all signal a mix of emotions, mostly nostalgic and bittersweet. i spent the weekend in oc where i'm set to move, and on saturday i visited csuf for the first time. it was refreshing to be on a campus that wasn't cpp's ngl. but when i left the campus i ended up in the costa mesa area at ikea. the only time i had been to that ikea was on a date with a guy i used to see. it was actually a pretty funny memory, and was one of many positive memories with that person. after that, i drove my friend back to his place. on the way there, i passed the santa ana observatory. i saw tv girl back in fall of 2021 there with my ex. i had gotten the tickets for him as a gift, and as a little celebration for us since he was visiting home for the first time since moving. he moved all the way up north, and things were immediately very difficult for us once he left. i remember the concert finally feeling like a relief from the stress and anxiety of the distance. passing by the venue again felt bittersweet. sunday i went to the irvine spectrum center with my mom. i've been there many times over the years, but i remember the first time going there i went with my friend lisa, her boyfriend at the time, and their friend anthony. i was 18 at the time, and it was my first summer where i was actually allowed out of town to go to other cities with my friends. i remember going to all these new places during this summer, right before i was about to move out alone for the first time in the fall, and feeling like my life was finally starting.

walking around that mall and being revisited by that first memory there and how i felt seemed somewhat melancholic. if you had told me half the things that have happened since that time i wouldn't have believed you. but it was lk symbolic in my hyperactive mind that i was there again right before moving and attending a new school. despite whatever may have happened between the first time i went to that mall and now, i feel like i have to be grateful for the memories and experiences that ended up shaping me and bringing me to where i am today. i'm hoping to enter this new stage of my life with the same resiliency that i've shown in the past. the past two years have been so indescribably difficult. at times i feel like i just suffered in silence. but i feel more confident finally feeling that there is at least a small part of me that is slowly feeling like myself again and just happy to be alive, happy to have loved and to be loved.

i hope to update this blog often, and if you read all of this then i hope you have a good day :)