#diary post

[unbidden-yidden]

What else is there left to say about this situation? Everything and nothing.

It's terrifying to me how hard it is to get at the truth, and even more terrifying that this difficulty has made so many decent people stop trying.

Yes, on both sides.

It's frustrating to be someone who cares deeply about people right now. I feel like you all get a rather one-sided impression of me here, because online there is a battle of words and narratives that seeks to tear down my people and bring back old libels. So I defend my people. Who wouldn't?

Offline, within my Jewish community, I find myself begging my co-congregants to also care about every civilian, to prioritize peace, and to be a light unto the nations, even as we mourn our dead and demand the release of our captives.

Even some allies, who consider themselves pro-Israel Christians, I have had to ask nicely to temper their anger on our behalf. (It's strange to feel safer with conservative Christians now sometimes than my fellow queer folk. How did we get here?)

Shedding more blood will not free the Jewish people of antisemitism. Pogroms will not free Palestine. Only the incredibly difficult task of setting aside anger and blame and bitterness and fear to focus on a shared future will.

I feel like I am pushing against every current, because I can't stand the polarization and the hate. When we give into hate, we fall into the trap of the powerful, who benefit from the constant warfare.

And it's exhausting and I'm tired, and I can't stop. I can't give up.

[celestesinsight]

January 17, 2024!

It's not an easy feat, packing your entire life in few bags and leaving behind the only home you have known. Especially for someone like me, who have never left home for hostel or anything. But sometimes, leaving is necessary for growth. I need to get out of my comfort zone, then only I can achieve my true potential and know what I am actually capable of.

[hecate-fem]

I need to see the reboot where Eleanor and Tahani were soulmates. Please. PLEASE.

[smimon]

You know... Every time I think my art/writing is "not good enough to be posted" I remember people going batshit insane over less skillfully made stuff (mine or not). Then I also think "people similar to me won't like it but there are more people in the world who are not like me so it's inevitable that someone will like it"

I am creating for myself but sometimes the end result turns out to be better suited for someone else. so why not share it

Not "this sucks" but "this isn't for me"

[mikeyrevenge05]

I went to see my school’s production of my fair lady last night !! It was so cute, but I don’t really like theater, all of the seniors did an extra song and dance at the end because it’s their last show ! It made me cry bc I’ve known these people for the last 4 years and the fact that we are all moving on and going our separate way’s really hit me ! So we decided to throw a big party after we graduate this May and they agreed to a 2000’s theme ! I’m so excited to play my favorite songs and really share my love for 2000’s culture with them ! I know this is a little boring to y’all but I think it’s fun to share my life like this online.

This was my outfit for the play !

Ignore my messy room/bathroom xD

[syscourse-spillway]

We straight up don't understand systems who feel avoidant about finding more alters or remembering more trauma. Not trying to judge, just... honestly don't understand what factor makes us embrace what others avoid, and I thought maybe writing about it would help illuminate that somehow.

From our perspective, it all already happened and it all already impacts us daily. So, the worst thing I could do would be to avoid what's already there. This is especially true as a programmed system--the longer we take to embrace new information about our past, the longer that programming can run amok unchallenged. And that's so, so untenably dangerous when our programming includes stuff like self-destruct protocols. Plus, there's at least a little bit of spite going on--every day we embrace each other is a day we stole from the clutches of the perps, who wanted us to die early, alone and ashamed, all their secrets buried with us. And fuck that, I want to live and be free.

Maybe a lot of it comes down to our contact situation. We're no contact with all our perps (including the ones that were "family"), and a solid chunk of them are dead. But I think that factor can't be all of it. It's not our age, either--plenty of systems older than us who still struggle with the avoidance. We have a pretty good coping skills toolkit and two good support people, but I don't think that's all of why, either. So... what is it, then? And if we figure that out, is it something we could share with other systems to help them heal more effectively? Dunno, just pondering about it.

[sydneykaine]

I wish I could be the kind of girl people write smut about.

[performing-personhood]

Adventures in object permanence and not fucking having any: Christmas edition

Husband's Xmas present came in the mail today. My afternoon plan had been to wrap presents, so I put it on the table to wrap first. So that was at like, 7am.

But by the afternoon, I had forgotten why it seemed to imoortant to wrap gifts - I still have time to mail them out to Kentucky, why was it such a big deal? I wanted to shower and make cookies instead so that's what I did.

Then Husband came home and squeaked and covered his eyes and that is when I remembered the three foot long box sitting unwrapped on the table I have been walking past since 7am. Which has ceased to exist to me until he said something.

At least I don't have to wrap it now???

[jedibinx]

My neurodivergent fellows I need to know if this is a thing for you:

If someone tells me about something they're doing, I'll say oh great have fun, but apparently that's an invitation but how can it be an invitation unless they actually ask? Does anyone else need an explicit invitation? Like if you're chatting to a group of friends online for example, and one says 'if anyone wants to join we're doing ..... now' that couldn't possibly mean me included because they didn't say and if I say yes I'll join they'll roll their eyes and reluctantly allow me to join because I'm a burden?

I dunno man, ever since burning out it's all become super intense and it feels like I'm looking on at the world through a pane of glass, watching other people find connection with other people and I try to do the same but they can't hear me through the blockade and my face is blurry from the rain dripping down the glass.

[darkbacchante]

I'm in the middle of my very first Hozier concert and...

I am absolutely smitten with this man.

I thought I knew it for a fact before but

NOW...

🖤🤎

[amethysworld]

I was recently diagnosed with ✨bipolar disorder✨ and I was shocked because it's not what I expected. I was afraid of taking the medication but when I did things change - like I can actually focus, there's less noise in my head, I don't need coffee anymore just so I can complete my schoolworks, I don't struggle getting out of bed anymore, and it's generally much more peaceful. It's like my brain stopped having tantrums when there's a task I need to accomplish and I wish everyone who needs medication the same thing.

[urfriendash]

9.19.23

feeling a bit better. today i…

-made some bracelets

-wrote a book review

-vacuumed my room

not the most productive, but pretty good due to being sick and doing absolutely nothing the day before…!

[celestesinsight]

January 18, 2024!

What a relief it was to finally reach Delhi after about two days of journey!

First the Rajdhani, we were supposed to travel in, got cancelled. Then, we booked tatkal tickets on another train, but it got delayed for 12 hours. When we reached Cuttack station to board that train, we found out the train hadn't even started from Puri, its destination station. We had to wait for another 4 hours before we could actually board the train and start our journey. And after spending about 36 hours on the train, we reached our destination.

But our journey didn't end there, as we had to travel to my sister's house in Panipat. After spending 3 more hours on the bus, we finally reached the warmth of home.

[ijuststareatstuffhereok89]

Ugh, gonna be a tough end of the week.

My dad's getting his official prognosis this afternoon. Even the doctor he's had for years has been trying to rush him through this miserable testing process so treatment can start...it's that bad. I'm not drugged enough for this. I did want to thank everyone who's messaged me and shown me love and support here. Right now, distraction is key, so I won't be going away, yet.

Trump, Putin, or Netanyahu should be dying of cancer instead. My dad has a brother in prison right now for assault on a minor with a weapon and HE had cancer and survived it. This is some real bogus shit.

Meanwhile, on the positive side, A Song for the Fallen drops today. I'm actually kind of proud at how it's developing, so it would mean a lot to me if y'all would check it out when it posts. I know most of my readers are here for the Loki love, and our beloved God of Mischief will still be my #1, but this is a Bucky x Reader x Steve miniseries that's going to be all emotions and drama (some smut but it won't be the focus, and it will only be for one episode). I'd love it so much if you'd give it a read!

I apologize for all the personal diary-style posts. I need to put them somewhere and I'm not one to go to all the trouble to make a second blog for them.

Love to you all, Lena

[smimon]

Hate that whenever I'm going through something all of my friends are also going through something so all we can do is just sigh loudly at each other's misery. It strengthens the bond, sure, but doesn't change much

[blessthishouse]

I wish working didn’t make me feel so anxious. I always take longer than everyone else to finish my tasks and it reminds me of being in school and getting left behind (and isolated) for not being able to keep up. I didn’t have a good experience with my very first job and I think with what’s been happening lately, I need to continue working through that experience