dykediaz118

[dykediaz118]

Listen by dykediaz118/timbert | 759 word | rated G |

Summary: 8x17 buddie ficlet from Eddie's pov. A little grief thrown in as a treat.

Listen to me....

Hear me, Buck.

Sometimes it didn't make sense to Eddie how dense Buck could be. How he could really make so many situations about himself. And yeah. Some of what he said was wrong and cruel. It's not fair to downplay Bucks struggles like that.

He was just so mad. Buck didn't make things about himself in any malicious way and he certainly wasn't narcissistic about it. He just always found a way to blame himself. Make himself the problem. Was that easier for him to cope with? If the big issue is always just him?

It killed him to watch Buck just casually be so cruel to himself. He made it all about him and had a one track mind when it came to self blame and it pissed Eddie off.

Why can't you just see yourself the way I see you, Buck?

Maybe Eddie should be more compassionate. No Eddie needs to be more compassionate about this. But it's hard when it feel so fucking easy for him to see Buck as perfect. So why is it so hard for him? Why is it so hard for him to belive his own mask? It didn't come out as often as when Eddie first met Buck, but he had a mask that showed only confidence and belief in himself. It was convincing and made Buck look like a dick. But it wasn't this.

He just wanted Buck to just think about how he might be hurting. And he was in some weird Buck way, but he didn't really talk about it. That also made Eddie angry. He wanted him to listen.... He wanted him to hear.

“You don't think I did everything I could to save him?”

Of course he did. He knew the second he got the call. He knew if this ever fucking happend, Buck would fight tooth and nail to save Bobby.

But Eddie was angry. So he didn't say that. He didn't correct Buck. Because he was doing it to himself again. Making himself the problem.

“I don't know, Buck. I wasn't there.”

 

And he walked away. Because maybe he would say worse.

—

Bobby saved Eddie. No doubt. He saved so many. It was wholeheartedly who he was. There was nothing that could pull that out of their captain.

The massive hole in Eddie's heart just got ten times bigger and he honest to god really believed it wouldn't. He thought he was used to it. Maybe the pit would stretch and be sore, but it would go back to how it was. But no. It was just bigger and more achy.

Eddie knew he'd get used to it, but he wasn't ready for that yet. He wanted to hold onto the pain a bit longer. He would let it go and smooth out for the sake of himself, Chris and all around him. But this was how he grieved.

For the first time in a while though, he did find himself talking and praying to God. Who he wasn't even sure he believed in, but it made him feel connected to Bobby. It was a new realization that some people hold onto and talk to God just for that connection to another person. And that's how it was for Eddie.

Of all the people Eddie lost, this was definitely the most calm loss and hurt he has ever felt. Which honestly wasn't saying much, but he had Bobby to thank for it. How could someone make you so calm and steady even when losing them?

Well. Not calm and steady. Calmer and more steady.

—

“of course i'm coming home.” His son was looking at him through the screen like he was stupid.

Home?

Eddie quickly brushed off his excitement to continue the conversation

“I knew you'd say that.” Eddie smiled as he moved from his spot on the couch. Getting ready to write Buck a note and go and pick up his Son and bring him…. Home. Non freudian slip.

“Well, Buck needs people. He's not himself…”

See Buck, even his son saw it from hundreds of miles away.

So Eddie was off to bring his son home.

—

 

Buck was smiling. Fully smiling. Not just for Christopher, but because of him.

Eddie certainly also felt warm inside for the first time in a while.

And Tía Pepa has a talk alone with Buck. Buck is much more smiles at Eddie specifically after that too.

Something felt different. There'd been a change?

A good one.

Eddie was good with that.