dysfvntional-recovery

[dysfvntional-recovery]

I’m just not going to talk about money anymore. Bc that shit was just a slap in the face. I KNOW I’m better off now. I didn’t ask to be told it can be worse. I hate being told that shit. Let me fucking vent. I feel like shit now and don’t even wanna say anything anymore. I guess because I make more money than you I should just “get over it” I guess.

Fuck me for expressing my discontent at my old job for paying me practically nothing of what I was worth.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

Writing on here because I don’t know who lurks on my main and I don’t feel comfortable venting on it anymore.

I wish my parents were more open and receptive. My mother should not be pressuring me to get married on paper due to the fact that it would be better than me sinning against God. What kind of absurdity. My boyfriend doesn’t want to come and stay over which would make our travels easier because he doesn’t feel welcome and would hate having to sleep on the couch instead of sleeping next to me. Why? Because they won’t allow it. My father could likely be convinced but I doubt there’s any way to convince my Jehovah’s Witness mother to allow a man to sleep in my bed because I “should know better” and that I’m “fornicating against Jehovah.” I hate this.

My sisters are no help because while the oldest would allow the boyfriend of her child to sleep in the same bed with her, this is “mom and dads house” and I should “know how they are”. I pay half the rent here. This is technically my apartment too. This is so infuriating and frustrating and saddening. If my boyfriend could stay over, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about this plan that is all over the place because I have to get an ultrasound as soon as April hits. I hate that I missed the deadline for insurance. I hate that I might not be there on my boyfriend’s birthday. I hate that I might not be there when he gets his procedures done. I hate that everything is so goddamn difficult because of the pandemic. I hate it all.

I’m so stressed out and sad. I wish this was easier. I can’t wait to move out. But even that is triggering my anxiety ten fold. I need to get back on my medications. I can’t live like this anymore.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

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Friday night, I went through all my pictures through different social media outlets and my phone and deleted every single one that I found of you.

Saturday morning, I woke up and took your painting off the wall. I didn’t even think about it. I took it with me when I left the house and threw it out.

Sunday morning, I found a picture from your baby shower and ripped it up into a billion pieces before also tossing it in the trash.

Do I wish that I wrote what I had written somewhere else? Do I feel regret or remorse? Honestly... not really. I don’t know you anymore. I stopped knowing you months ago. You showed me your true colors when you allowed me to get hurt and made that whole situation about you. I never would’ve let you gone through that. When I knew you’d end up getting hurt or if someone said something about you, I told you. Even when it involved our own little circle, when they said shit about you, I told you. But you didn’t think to tell me anything. Your words said things were fine while your actions said other wise. You literally only cared about yourself.

I didn’t call you because I had nothing to tell you. I haven’t heard from you in months and *now* is when you decide to talk to me. Nah, I’m okay. There’s nothing to talk about. Stay gone like you always were. I don’t regret anything. This is a fresh clean slate.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

Talking to you feels like pulling teeth.

At this rate, I’m just carrying this friendship on my shoulders and hoping that you’ll decide to share the weight eventually.

And that’s just... depressing.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

[dysfvntional-recovery]

You know I’m unhappy and depressed if I go cry to my mother about it.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

*attempts to make plans with friends after months of forcing self-isolation*

*plan immediately fails*

I guess I’ll go watch the joker by myself then.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

I have been working on this comic “Undergrowth” for the past month and I’m so happy to finally be able to share it with you!! This is the reason I haven’t been posting as much art on tumblr. I was very inspired by people who depict personal growth as a potted plant, and I wanted to do my own take on that idea: I think of it more as an entire forest or ecosystem within a person.

I hope reading this will inspire you to keep improving as a person even though it’s a process that is so difficult and convoluted.

[commission] [ko-fi] [Please do not repost my work!]

[dysfvntional-recovery]

✨I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you are allowed to be happy✨

[dysfvntional-recovery]

how-to-give-yourself-a-pep-talk-101

[dysfvntional-recovery]

[dysfvntional-recovery]

your mental illness may make you feel weak, but you’re dealing with something that’s been fatal to others. you’re still here, and i respect the beans outta you for that.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

[dysfvntional-recovery]

Talking to you right now is starting to feel like pulling teeth.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

It terrifies me.

It terrifies me that maybe you don’t see me as a best friend anymore. I think it’s all in my head. But I care about you so much.

[dysfvntional-recovery]

Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.