Last Seen Blogs
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This will probably be the last entry I’ll write in this platform.
When I’m sure I no longer love you, I’ll read these entries again. And look back at how much I offered myself to serve our love. I don’t think someone will be able to surpass what you and I had. What we had was real, and I’m grateful that you were able to give your whole to me when you cannot give yourself something. Maybe that’s the reason why our love can’t last. I’m taking much of you and even though I’m giving you all the love I can possibly give, I will never be able to fill the love that you yourself should give you.
I still don’t believe that there’s nothing in you. Your kindness is what drove me to dream. It’s because of you that I want to be more. You inspire me in ways I could never explain. I just wish I was able to do more for you.
You will always be in my heart. No matter how far apart we are right now. You have been the best friend I could ever ask for. And right now, I’ll try to let you go. I can’t hold on to your past self. All I can do right now is hope for your best. Please grow and be a better person for yourself.
There’s a limit to what I can do and I think I’ve reached that. Good luck to you future endeavors, my love. I hope you reach new heights.
Mahal kita palagi.
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Hi! It’s been a while. I’m not doing great. And things have been rougher than usual. I still see you in the littlest of things. I still get reminded of how you made me feel in songs I listen to. I still think of you when I look at Chuckie. I miss your family. And your dogs and cats too.
I miss having access in your room. When I don’t have to shyly knock and interrupt you at whatever you’re doing. I miss greeting you with a kiss and a smile I recently learned that I only give you. I miss you mimicking those smiles as if it were a language shared between us.
I still love you so much it scares me. When did I love this way? The last time I checked, I was so sure I don’t know how to love. I’m afraid to love again. I’m so scared of the possibility that if I love again, I’ll end up being hurt again. I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m still hurting.
big sishs at 2:27 AM
I love you so much.
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I’m breaking down.
It’s been a while.
You’re going to stream later.
I’m holding myself back.
I almost messaged you.
My throat’s burning.
My skin’s a disaster.
Why did you do this?
I feel so alone.
I’m alone.
I’m lonely.
Happy birthday.
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It’s been 164 days since we parted ways. I’m currently sick, and I’m currently at Nueva Ecija with Ate Naning.
It’s been a while since I last wrote something. But I don’t think anything changed that much. I just know that I’m growing individually. But even though I’m changing, my feelings for you just grow bigger everyday too. I got sick because I relapsed so hard the other day. Kumusta ka na ba? How are you without me? Do you still think about me? Do you still love me? I don’t even know if those questions are still relevant. I’m so afraid to be left alone in this realm we called ours. Paano kapag ako na lang naiwang nagmamahal? What would become of me? Kasi as much as you tell people you don’t deserve love, I know there’s someone who will. Maybe far better than how I showed you what love is. Di ka naman mahirap mahalin eh. Di ka mahirap piliin. It’s not a task. It’s just something someone can easily do. And I’m afraid na hindi ako yung gagawa non. And I’m afraid that you’re going to live the bubby dream with someone else. Ang unfair ng buhay.
Siguro hindi talaga ako makaka-move on fully hangga’t di ka pa nagkakaroon ng bago. Baka dun lang ako matauhan na wala na talaga. But until then, I’ll just love you wholly from afar.
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I think it’s been more than a week since I’ve deleted my socials. I still want to tweet sometimes but it’s funny how I feel like I’m tweeting in my head hahaha.
Time flies so fast. Four months ago, I was writing everyday just to pour out my emotions. I still remember how tiring it was to sleep with a heavy heart and wake up with the same tiredness from last night as if I didn’t get any rest in between.
Thank you for visiting my dreams last night. In my dream, you were ready to try again for me. And even though it frightened you, we took it slow. It was the most amazing feeling since we broke up. Even if it only happened in my dream, I was happy it did. Thank you, Alicia.
Miss na kita. I understand that you don’t want me in your life pero hindi ko pa fully naa-accept. So until then, magkukulay lang ako nang magkukulay ng buhok HASHAHHAA! Until then, I’ll silently relapse. Hindi pa rin ako fully nakaka-get over na you chose your profession over our marriage eh hahaha. Pero gets ko naman, baka kailangan din talaga natin ng room for ourselves so there’s more room for growth too. Kaya ko naman eh. Dami ko pala pwede gawin. Gusto ko lang talaga na samahan ka ulit. Para naman makita at maramdaman mo yung better version of myself. So I can show you more of myself kasi I want to share all of these with you. Pero gusto ko lang din talaga na samahan ka sa laban mo. I know it’s been hard. And I know you’re tired. Virtual invisible hugs na lang kasi hindi naman kita mayayakap.
Anyway, good night. I love you. Sweet dreams.
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When Jerricho left me, I was devastated. I know it wasn’t love but it broke me all the same. I was used to having him around and the sudden change of environment messed me up. I’m not sure how I got over it but I know that it was a long process of triumphs and relapses in between. Even after breaking up with my first ex-boyfriend, I was still entertaining the idea of what could’ve been us if he didn’t leave me.
Someone came along and made me feel like I’m the best person there is. I knew that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, and I was the happiest around him. I’d like to think that he felt the same way too. But maybe the universe is punishing me for hurting other people. So this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end...
I may get over this but I’ll forever remember this hurt, just like how I cry over my memories of pain from other situations.
This is the second time someone I cared about left me all of a sudden.
I never want to feel this way ever again.
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It’s been months. I’m finally doing the things I’m supposed to do. I’ve tried all sorts of things and I’ve learned a lot in the process. The hardest still is before bedtime. I’m tired of sleeping with a heavy heart. My mind still ponders how we ended up like this. But last night I talked to myself. I told my mind to shut you off. Because I’m tired of thinking of you. I’ve deleted my social media apps to focus on other things. But I still hate my own heart because it latched itself on you.
You said it’ll be easier this way. Look what’s become of us.
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Sa Pagitan ng Pilapil
nakikita kita
sa kumot at kama,
sa kusina’t sala,
sa gatas at kape,
sa umagahan at hapunan,
sa panaginip at realidad,
sa trabaho’t pag-aaral,
sa siyudad at probinsya,
sa mga tula’t palabas,
sa mga dumadaang pasahero,
sa lilim ng hintayan,
sa pagbangon ng umaga,
at sa pagtulog ng hapon,
sa mga aso at pusa,
sa asul at berde,
at sa kulay ng bahaghari,
sa alak at pulutan,
sa tambol at gitara,
sa hirap at ginhawa,
sa oras,
sa retrato,
sa bitwin,
ang araw,
at ang gabi,
sa himbing ng tulog,
at mga panaginip,
sa mga luhang mainit,
at sa hagulgol na di mabilang,
sa taimtim na pagngiti,
at paghalaklak ng tawa,
sa katahimikan,
sa kaguluhan,
sa kasalanan at kapatawaran,
sa kamatayan at kritisismo,
sa kapayapaan at kapahingahan,
sa pagpikit at pagdilat,
sa mga awiting inialay,
at sa mga yakap at haplos,
sa mga damit na bumalot,
sa pabangong di maubos,
sa ipinahiram na sandalyas,
sa hapag na pinagsaluhan,
sa paggawa ng mga memorya,
at sa tawag ng pagsinta,
sa muntikang hiwalayan,
at sa pag-alala ng araw-araw,
sa pagpili sa bawat isa.
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I got Orion the day I went to get closure. It was hard at first because I didn’t know how to take care of cats, I think I still don’t? Catto’s very low maintenance unlike this permese cat who’s currently vibrating on my chest. We had to spend so much to treat his eye infection and luckily, he’s getting better.
He still doesn’t respond to his name though. I was planning to change his name to Scorpio or Mufasa or Scar because well ya kno~ but I think Orion suits him really well. Man, it’s really hard to call him (swswswsw doesn’t work). But if he wants lambing, he’s gonna get lambing hahahaha. Usually when he wants food, he’s gonna let you know by being overly clingy. So he’s malambing because he wants food talaga. But earlier, he went to have lambing kahit kakakain lang niya. I think he’s starting to recognize that I am mommy hahaha.
He’s a good boy. Di nagagalit kapag pinapaliguan but he’s a bit scared pa rin. He knows how to play by himself but he really disturbs our other furbabies pag gusto niya ng extra fun hahaha.
I don’t know why I’m writing this hahaha. I think it’s because Orion’s very warm and he comforts me kahit ang uncomfortable na nakahiga ako instead of nakadapa hahahhaa.
I love Orion. He’s one of the reasons why I’m starting to accept Orion again.
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I feel like I’ve been wasting my time just backreading our conversations on my phone and I don’t have the heart to delete everything just yet. I have a lot of good pictures there and videos of Catto hahaha.
I uninstalled my Twitter again because I feel like I’m being inconsiderate when I tweet about my feelings so I’ll just post everything here until I get tired. Maybe I’ll just make another Twitter account when the time comes.
Alright. Enough entry for today.
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I absentmindedly visualize ourselves standing on waiting sheds that once sheltered us.
the bricks which witnessed my hand comfortably intertwined with yours,
the laughter that the lights have helped reflect for me to see my own in your deep irises,
the ground that kept me from falling when you kiss my forehead good bye.
I have documented all of our beginnings and endings in a place I considered mine; a place where my heart is at home.
It’s been a month since you left me in this waiting shed...
six months to go.
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