eccentric-writing-blog

[eccentric-writing-blog]

Hello Tumblr,

I am actually not new here. I have been lurking since the beginning. I am also a victim of the 2018 Tumblr purge. [I am still upset by the way] My last real blog here was fair popular. 26,000 followers. That was a different kind of blog. This, this is my life blog. For now if you scroll thru you will see very old post. 13+ years old. That is because I have decided to start here again by moving my wordpress blog here. I have been a blogger for more than 20 years. Most of it never being seen or known by those closer to me. By moving here I am opening up sides of me that people in the interwebs have never seen or heard. I have no intentions of hiding who I am. This is me. The real me. I am not the person I was in some of these older post. I have come to be very proud of that as I have read thru some of these old entries. It could almost swear I was reading a blog written by someone else. 

It’s hard to believe that I have lived and survived some of this bullshit. Seriously.. The hell. It was real. I fought to get to where I am today. To be comfortable in my own skin with my own soul. 

I said when I quit blogging about my life more than 6 years ago it was because no one was really interested. I also felt at that time I had hit I point I just no longer had any words left. I was out of things to express what was going on inside me. As I start again here on tumblr, a place that I call home. I hope that maybe I am not out of things to say that maybe I can share a different side of me the me I am today that I can give hope to someone out there who may find themselves scanning thru the chaos that is my real life they will see that they are not alone. Even if they can’t see it or believe it. Life gets better or maybe we just realize that we are focused on the wrong things in life that we hold ourselves hostage to our pain and suffering that we often grow content and unwilling to fight our way free because we refuse to change the broken record inside our own minds. 

[eccentric-writing-blog]

July 29, 2008

Just a random entry for no special reason other then my brain is full of racing thoughts and I figure I will jot them down.

About court , It went “OK” nothing great about it but nothing horrible either , The Judge requested Mary and Noah be present this time , he figures they are old enough now to be apart of all this and be able to say what they want and think and have a say in their future . Mary made it so hard not to break down and sob like a baby when she stood up and told the judge that she loved her mommy and daddy and wanted to go live with them today … The judge told her that is what we are all working on that it wont be anytime really soon but hopefully sometime after christmas … I hope that sticks I still have my doubts about things.. I still worry they wont make it back to me I get torn between what I know I want what I want it all to be and the reality of it all they are two very different things yes I know I love my babies , yes I know they love me but is that enough , can I give them all they need I know right now I still can not do that its truth and not up for debate because I know many of you will go on about how all they need is my love and yes they need that but fact is fact I have a very special little boy who needs a lot of care and needs to be met and well can I give him that ?? I dont know I want to trust me on that I want to more then anyone will know .. I know that my girls will likely make it back to me I have not a doubt on them being able to make it home .. my concern is with Noah If it was not for the place I live I would not worry as much I have a car and If i was in the city of boise I could make all his appointments and therapies without trouble but I live an hour away that makes it really hard to drive so far everyday not to mention school for him , in my town no school can give him what he needs it just isnt possible .

Now add into the fact that IF noah doesnt make it back to me that means they will seek to terminate my rights and place him for adoption .. What am I going to do if that happens Do i some how prepare for that to be the case I think is some way i have to do that I have to know it could well happen and if it does how do I go on from that . I am not sure I would know how to or if I could of course I would go on for my girls I would do all I could for them but I cant imgen how if we lost Noah how to explain that to the girls , and If he doesnt come home how can I ever move out of this state , What would my options be at that point ..

As I said they extended the foster care for 3 more months we go back to court now on Nov 21st . until then things continue as they were with visits and all that good stuff *sigh* but these are the thoughts I have to think about , No more florida happy go lucky here all back to reality for me and I am hating every minute of that I already miss my calm peaceful time I miss my Teddy bear

I also got to thinking , What do you think will happen if Noah doesnt come home … Obviously I wouldnt be able to just pack up and move away I want to be as close to him , to them as possible .. I get worried over that Its one thing to know that when they come home we can all move and be with Eric where we belong but again fact is at least one of my babies may not come home and that means I cant leave no matter how much I love Eric i couldnt leave my amazing boy who means so much to me , I would have to be able to see him be close to him as possible What will happen then I don’t know that Eric would want to live here We want to be together there in florida and I cant ask him to leave his kids behind and move here If all this with the kids goes the wrong way it could be horrible for Eric and I I know what Eric wants and I want the same thing as well but its not all that simple not all roses as they say now is it ?

I know I worry a lot and people tell me not to , to be happy and trust me I am happy but with Happy comes fear that is just how it goes with me and I have more fear now then ever before , I did not mind leaving my husband I was happy to leave him I knew it was right I knew it was the best I could do , but knowing that I could lose even one of my kids , knowing that if i lose any of them I could lose Eric to and this happiness I have found that sorry creates fear I dont know if what I am saying is coming out right or not .

Yesterday was a bad day I woke up in a bad mood with a horrible headache like I sometimes get , all I wanted to do was go back to sleep but I had to get up , then I get all paranoid and I keep wondering what if he isnt as happy as I am what if he doesnt feel like I do , would he tell me ? what if i am not what he needs what if i just disappoint him I dont want to do that .. so I try hard to just make myself stop thinking .. and go about my day but still this headache is horrible and its really does get to me emotionally when I am like that , and all I can think all day is how much I wish i was next to him in his arms right now because Id feel safe and ok and like it was alright I dont know if anyone understands what I mean but I am the kind of person that when I am upset and hurting I dont feel safe i dont feel secure I dont feel anything except complete and total stress and aggitation and that makes me cry . So any how i go to my morning class to find that its actually not till noon , so i drive back home and wait .. went to my class then came home and just wanted to go to bed  but i had a 1pm appointment with someone so I try to cancel it when Ryan takes it upon himself to call someone about my appointment and have her go to my house anyway , ok so now im emotional already and my head hurts and he tells me this and that makes me cry because now I feel like a damn kid who cant make a decision about my own damn life and what i want and when i want an appointment and all that , really people i dont need a guardian I am capable of managing my own fucking life already I dont need a daddy i have one of those I never needed him and I dont need some jackass who I am divorcing to be managing my life I dont need a boss or anything so I break down again in tears and the whole time all I really need is Eric , I dont care how or what or why I just need him because I am feeling like there is to much chaos and shit and I cant calm down and i know if he is there if he just talks to me I can calm down and be ok for a minute , But i dont say anything I need to be a big girl and maintain and do this on my own and not let him know im fucking crazy .. but things got worse . The power company turned of my power .. My bill isnt due till Aug. 1st .. what the fuck .. so really did break down at that point to the point i couldnt breath and I am trying to talk to Eric but all I am doing is falling apart and having a panic attack now and I just want to ask him to stay and talk to me not to go anywhere and at the same time my brain is saying that if I tell him I need him then I am letting him down I am not the person he thinks I am , i am not strong or anything at all . I am just a complete failure to him . so yeah it was a fucked up day yesterday.

Does anyone have that do you ever feel like you cant tell anyone what you really feel or need because they will think your just to much to deal with , its not fair to Eric at all and that I just I want to be all he wants and needs I want to be everything I can be for him and I know i cant be Im going to be to much and Im going to make him hate me in the end and that scares the hell out of me I am ok when its someone else that i dont feel safe with I can just keep it all to myself but when you have this amazing feeling and someone makes you feel safe all the time and makes all of it seem so calm its like a drug and when everything is spinning out of control faster then I can keep up with I know that I am going to literally need him and I am not ok with that because its new to me all this is new to me this feeling this powerful connection and love whatever you want to call it , its new to me and I have to learn to be honest and tell him when I need him and to open up but I am just scared I will make him want to run far far away I get so fucking confused…. I am hopeless!!

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 30, 2008

im just a little hypo this morning …. 4 cups of coffee , no sleep , no smoking .. no sex .. makes Di one manic person muhahahahah !

I could sit here and vent and tell all about my jackass of a brother and the bullshit he said to me last night but I wont instead .. I will tell you that .. I am thinking that I am REALLY excited because if all goes well .. the 11th – 19th of July i will be in FLORIDA …  and yeah i dont know what else to tell you I cant tell you the other stuff heheh not yet! tis secrets … muahahahah

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 30, 2008

So.. I have decided to let go of fear and give this love thing another shot .. You all have heard me talk about my childhood best friend and her family and all that well … Her brother and I have decided we want to try this out so we are … *giggles* Its still long distance but in the country he lives in Florida .. remember my post last night about me going to Florida.. well .. there you go I will be with him for a week and I am way excited I am scared but I am ready to try this and yes he is willing to move here for me !

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 29, 2008

Ryans parents came into town I knew something was up .. he shows up here tonight driving a brand new car and he wonders why it sends me into tears I dont know maybe because now hes doing all he can do make sure HE is the one he gets my kids the same kids he wouldnt even buy fucking beds for the same man who refused to change jobs to get better money .. all because he liked his job , the same one who let his parents pay our rents buy not one .. not 2 .. not even 3 but like 5 cars for us , not to mention the last one ryan lost let it get towed and refused to pick it up knowing he had the money to . but it doesnt matter I have no car , I just i really quit its hard to complete or battle anyone who has someone come rescue them all the god damn fucking time .. why ,.. why is he so fucking right all the time why does he get to hurt people and just have the world handed to him,..

o yeah because he cant hurt me more then anything at this point .. maybe i should go back just say fuck it and go back and deal with the fucked up bullshit! I HATE HIM  Pampered fucking brats he talks about his younger sister and how they treat her she is spoiled well what the fuck is he I dont see anyone helping me do a fucking thing and yes I will say it im jealous im pissed off and i HATE HIM … or maybe I just hate me for fucking everything up

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 29, 2008

I dont like when I can’t calm myself down more so I hate when I dont even know why I am so angry and grrr what right do i have to even care its his life his money his parents . its just what the fuck I beg him for 10 fucking years all I want is better for my kids to be able to give them what they need but no not then it couldnt happen he didnt give a fuck and what pisses me off his own mother could barely look at me earlier why b ecause this is all my fauly all og this I ruined the kids livges and his and it just they are better with out me around his parents can give them anything and i should just disappear I will never give them anything . I just want to cry and i should seeingas i cant stop throwing up it just … I want to go away

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 27, 2008

I feel like it has been forever since I made a proper entry so I figure its about time and im bored and sleepy and lounging on the sofa with nothing to do so…

Im doing ok oddly enough at least I think I am today I don’t really know I feel mmm I don’t know one of those days that I know if I let myself think I will just crash and burn I just feel really drained today I slept a whole 12 hours or more which isnt normal for me at all and I am still sleepy

I do not really know what to say I miss my kids court isn’t until July 25th so I still have a long way to go and I still do not expect them to come home then , I want to believe they will but I don’t. yesterday Alyssa the foster mother for Mary and Bethany took them to a Mother / Daughter pool party . I hate that it makes me physically ill honestly it does I don’t say anything at all because I don’t want them to see that it bothers me I hate it I just do and thinking about it makes me want to be sick or cry one I haven’t decided which one will win I guess.

Life for me as settled down quiet a bit , I haven’t had a drink in what 2 months or so , I haven’t been talking to John or Tom . I have been seeing Chris still but who knows whats up there and as for Mike I don’t know he doesn’t to much like that I live 50 miles away but could you blame him with the price of gas these days? So basicly for the most part just me. I have been walking a lot at night usually go for a walk around 1am or so , I have been hanging out at Ryans to watch movies and all but no worries nothing has happened at all as far as sexually or anything just watching movies. I did at one point get a little worried that something would come of it because I did stay the night over there and I did sleep in his bed I was worried I would feel something or what have you but truth is it was no different then 6 months ago I didnt want him to touch me I didnt want him close to me or anything and I ended up getting up and sitting in the living room.

I havent been feeling right I dont know why I cant explain this I dont know what it is just really lonely I guess I just dont know and today it seems to be worse I dont know why I just feel sad and lonely and want to cry , I have been alone for 6 months and I am starting to miss someone in bed next to me , I am starting to miss being close to someone I dont know how to explain it .. so yeah trying to do this hasnt helped I think its worse I cant explain anything and it annoys me!

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 26, 2008

I Bio parent can be accused of being a bad parent because they dont want their child to be a pin cushion for test and they dont want their kid drugged up all the time , I Foster parent can drug your kid all they want ! and its ok its for his benifit .. bullshit its not you just dont want to deal with him so lets just sedate him !

This is my son anyone whos seen pictures in the past tell me you dont see a difference here ..

They also yet again have Mary who will be 9 July 26th .. In a damn pull up .. obviously she lost “underwear privllages” what the fuck is that about no child should earn the right to wear panties or underwear I would NEVER have my 9 yr old in a damn pull up she hates it she feels like she is bad she feels ashamed , now I have complained about her issues with potty training many years and nothing is done .. just over looked ..

Noah is in foster care and if he gets Diarreah they want to poke prod and do all sorts of test to see whats wrong ! but they ignore a 9 yr old whos obviously got something wrong !

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 20, 2008

Even though I have known for 9 months that my step childrens mother was murdered I still havent really come to understand how it effects me I havent but much thought into it I thought more of them and their pain and memories and life that they have had in the 8 years they were away from us but something odd happened tonight to me that i was unprepared for I am a huge horror / psychological thriller film fan and I watch a lot of them tonight I was watching Firestarter 2 and there is a scene in the movie of a woman being murdered / suffocated and I could barely watch suddenly pictures of what it must have been like for Tina in her last hours / minutes the horror and the struggle and that thought made me physically ill , my stomach did flip flops .. I have never had that before  I hear about a lot of death everyone on the new , in papers ect. but it doesnt hit home it may make you sad to hear of the even may make you feel unsafe if its in your town or state but its nothing compared to this . I guess I thought I wouldnt really be like that , I would be there to comfort my step children to let them know they will always have a mother figure as long as they want me but I didnt think I would be changed so much .. I guess in short its just odd to me

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 5, 2008

We got the results of Noahs Neuropsych testing yesterday and some other news

The neuropsych stuff first . They say Noah isnt not Autistic though many of his behaviors (Rocking singing self stiming ect) would be charateristic of that . however the test show that it is actually a Cognitive disorder mainly effecting his Language he has no conscept or understanding of language .. Many ask how can he not understand but he can speak .. well its because Noah understands pictures Daddy is Daddy because the same man has always been Daddy .. I am mommy because I have always been mommy same with Mary all the others .. This would explain a conversation between Dr . Pines and Noah a few years back , When Doctor Pines asked if Noah knew who he was Noah said No , When Doctor Pines asked Noah am I your daddy Noah said I dont know maybe … Noah couldnt fit a name with Dr Pines picture so to Noah he very well could have been the word Daddy .. Noah also doesnt store information like we do because he cant understand language nothing can be processed and learned because its to confusing for him But there is more to this Language thing , it would seem that some how through all these different doctors and testings that we have taken Noah to over the last nearly 6 yrs .. they all failed to notice that Noah is deaf in one ear. How this was missed I dont know unless they all assumed if he could speak he could hear .. His IQ us 60 and he is only 2nd in his age group precentile . because he has to think so hard about every move he makes and try to remember things even holding a pencil and writing his letters or Name is a challenge for him. They think this could improve , His IQ could go up .. but they dont have much hope of that so it sounds. He will be starting Picture therapy soon as a means to give him a way to communicate and to help improve his language understanding He will also be reciving playground therapy , speech therapy , occupational therapy . So in short the long road has only just begun . I took this new hard yesterday it was like hearing the word autism all over again only worse I cried because all the medical test are leaning towards this all being a result of the septic shock in my early pregnancy I cried all night and through the morning but life has to go on now and I guess we focus now on helping noah the best we can

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 3, 2008

Well its been a long .. Huh .. yes its been long

Yesterday was hard I dont know why I was just in a really bad mood and ready to explode on the first person to piss me off and so at Midnight I decided to go for a walk , I wasnt planning on walking for 3 hours but it turned out that I did it was nice I thought about a lot of things My kids , Ryan … everything just everything that was getting to me was just to much and it was like the only way to process anything was to just be alone in the dark with no one and nothing just me and the stars

So that brings me to today .. and here is where things usually go in circles because i can never make up my mind or decide what the hell reality is when it comes to my relationship with my Ex husband… I have known for a long time a good 8 + yrs that he is a jerk and often times the word “abusive” comes to mind or up in conversation , In fact many times I have told him right out that he is abusive .. but when I talk about it one thing goes through my mind .. ok a lot of things go through my mind but mostly all I can think is ..

Your over-reacting

No one will believe you now

No one sees or hears it so no one will listen

It really is your fault for being a fuck up

Maybe you were really that bad

I cant be “That” person the one who is / was in an abusive relationship

How can I be so damn stupid

Why does he still have control over me

I want to speak up but I cant because its no use

and it goes on and on and on….

Last night I went by Ryans place to call / text John and tell him I was headed to his place because i didnt want to knock on his door at 3am and wake up Logan (his lil boy) So now he knows im going there and of course he starts his lil whiny baby bullshit .. making little comments which I ignore .

Now back track to last week I think it was sunday .. I went to his place to visit the kittens that Chris wants and they are his have been since they were mins old basicly lol so while I was over there Ryan says “why dont you tell him he can come over here and see them until they are ready . I didnt because well I didnt want that tension So tonight I send Ryan a message and told him Hey do you mind if Chris picks me up and we come to get the kittens .. omg .. Ryan gets all nasty and sends one back saying the kittens are not ready and he is not coming to my house! .. what the fuck is he yelling at me for ! any way you can see how the rest of the night went with the conversations I posted

But I just dont know what to do anymore i feel like a hamster in a little ass wheel running and going no where , and I hate that he gets to me I hate even more that he knows it does , I know that he is waiting for me to crack waiting for me to say ok ill come back , I dont know how I have managed to keep saying no , maybe because I am on my own , in my own house i have more power and feel safer and able .. Maybe because the kids are gone I have found the strength to say no because I dont have that thought of they needed their daddy here . I dont know but . I cant explain the mental and emotional stress his fits are having on me I always end up feeling like a child who cant please him like im being scolded and half the time i havent even done anything wrong I mean hell I tell him he is being mean and hurtful and he says shit like if i wanted to be hurtful i would do stuff that would truely hurt you. and Im not trying to be mean but I guess thats what you want me to be and ..everything you said is stupid and then he went as far as to blame me for him taking me off myspace then he tells me once again .. and I think this is like the 3rd time .. what i can put on my message status on myspace and all that

I mean for fuck sake does it ever end .. Part of me wants to post an anon. entry somewhere with stories and things thats been said just to see what an outside person would think about this I mean am i completly nuts .. maybe hes not abusive maybe im just that sensitive maybe i just dont know what to think … i just dont know

…. On a different note .. I woke up this evening to a message from Bo it blew my mind .. I mean really it did !  the message I got from him today was as follows

Daniel (6/1/2008 6:48:31 PM): I just thought why we started going out on june 12 th Beautifully Broken (6/1/2008 6:50:43 PM): Yeah we did what made you think of that? Beautifully Broken (6/1/2008 6:53:05 PM): 143 + 127 Daniel (6/1/2008 6:53:23 PM): It was mickeys b day so alcohol had to be involved Beautifully Broken (6/1/2008 6:54:26 PM): Yeah figured Mickey would come up , but your a fucker ! for that alcohol statement Daniel (6/1/2008 6:55:38 PM): Its was a joke, love Beautifully Broken (6/1/2008 6:56:39 PM): I know its good ill smack ya later. Didnt think youd remember thought only i did Daniel (6/1/2008 6:59:31 PM): It wasn’t a single sided thing my heart was their to Beautifully Broken (6/1/2008 7:00:58 PM): I didnt mean it like that at all . You know i love you always 15yrs ago this yr…

This means nothing to a lot but , Well I mean I know that he does always remember that date but rarely does Mickey ever come up , or is it spoken about I have always avoided it because its very hard on Bo and all but its moments like that when he shows up from no where and points something out specially when I have been playing our song , that I often feel like we are still very connected more then we even know that love hasnt died we still both hurt like hell from it all , and I think both of us still miss it more then we have a capasitiy to say .. I do love him dearly .. Maybe we are soul mates after all ..

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 2, 2008

Ryan Miller: you can change the status message. Ryan Miller: im not trying to be mean Ryan Miller: the kittens are not ready yet Beautifully Broken: No i can’t ryan it is my status isnt it? you are if you say ..: he can come see them: then yell at me for saying it Ryan Miller: momma got out and they went berserk untill i got herm back in Beautifully Broken: i don’t fricken care about that whatever i quit im just tired of you gettin mad at me for things you tell me im sorry i listen to you Ryan Miller: if i was trying to be mean i would do things to truly hurt you Beautifully Broken: but no reason to be mad at me for it Ryan Miller: you can take it however you want Beautifully Broken: your words hurt ryan you should know that already you just dont think they do Beautifully Broken: its not taking it other then how you said it , you told me to call him to your house you did that Ryan Miller: im not trying to be mean, but obviously that is what you want Beautifully Broken: not me i didnt even suggest it Beautifully Broken: you did so i was going by that my fuck up Beautifully Broken: Yeah ok .. i want you to be mean wtf Ryan Miller: i just dont want him here Beautifully Broken: why would you say that Ryan Miller: im done Beautifully Broken: BUT YOU SAID IT GRRRR now you change it Beautifully Broken: not my fault you changed your mind like i said sorry Beautifully Broken: Here is a question are you going to do this everytime i go somewhere, I mean one day you want to be friends talk hang out and all , the next i go out and your either insulted or you do this and get mad at me for lil things that im not even trying to do wrong but you tell me they are do you not see its confusing to me to know no matter what i do you’ll be hurt by me or mad at me Ryan Miller: like i said i’m not trying to be mean Beautifully Broken: Ok your not but do you not care that emotionally you confuse me you do hurt me like it or not i only went by what you said and now i feel like the horrible.. never mind its not worth the fight it not worth it just think about what you do and say because i do listen so sorry Ryan Miller: did you take me off your friends list on my-space? Beautifully Broken: no Ryan Miller: your not there anymore Ryan Miller: what happened? Beautifully Broken: i dont know Beautifully Broken: your not on mine so did you get made and deleate me cause they are both gone Ryan Miller: no i didnt Ryan Miller: thats fine Beautifully Broken: well i havent moved from this window so Beautifully Broken: I never remove anyone that i talk to Ryan Miller: oh well Ryan Miller: i guess its a glitch Beautifully Broken: idk Ryan Miller: guess were no longer friends Beautifully Broken: I didnt do that so dont make me feel bad Beautifully Broken: please Beautifully Broken: I guess if it will make you happy and stop all this I just will never go out ill stop talking to anyone or anything because apparently i cant do that because all it does is cause you to say and do things i just fucking dont know what you want fucking hell i couldnt make you happy as a wife now i leave and i make you fucking miserable Beautifully Broken: I mean jesus idk never mind whatever Ryan Miller: judas priest Ryan Miller: you say the most stupid things so far Beautifully Broken: stupid how Beautifully Broken: Ryan I go out you tell me i throw it in your face , but then you turn around and joke to others about it then i joke then you yell at me for it , but you make nothing but talk about sex , make comments about having sex with me how you need sexy ffs you put horny on your status and that you need sex but let me use the word fuck or that i have a date and you tell me to change MY status. Beautifully Broken: You tell me someone can come over i listen i suggest it i get yelled at Beautifully Broken: I mean look at the messages Beautifully Broken: friend .. but not .. no one else can treat me as a sex goal but you make comments all the time Beautifully Broken: Its like your happy as long as im not going anywhere or doing anything unless its hanging out with you and i like hanging out dont get me wrong i want to get along , but you flip to the old ryan as soon as i mention going out , or anything else and you become hurtful and mean to me even if you dont see it you do , i mean you still want to control what i say and do think about how many times you have told me what i can say on MYspace or on here or whatever because its offense !.. I dont tell you what to do on yours and i swear i wouldnt treat you this way dont you see i left so the hurting and controlling and words could end , yet still they happen

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 2, 2008

Ryan Miller: i’m calling kristy in the morning to set me up an appointment with a councellor Beautifully Broken: Ok Ryan Miller: i figure i need help with our separation Beautifully Broken: Might be good , I really dont mean to be a bad person I dont want that but i dont know what to do Ryan Miller: well im going to try Beautifully Broken: You just need to find away to find your happiness I do believe that Ryan Miller: there is no happiness Ryan Miller: i lost that when you told me to leave Beautifully Broken: Ryan there wasnt happiness together Ok it wasnt all bad but mostly it was I dont want that neither of us need that Ryan Miller: well there was happiness for us even if it was a little, now there is nothing Ryan Miller: a whole lot of nothing Ryan Miller: but that is why im calling kristy Beautifully Broken: Yeah there is a whole lot of nothing here to I have to go out i have to do something else its no good and things get drastic , Get some people at work to go out with you Beautifully Broken: I mean you always told me i had to force myself to go out meet people Ryan Miller: yeah that will work. i dont get along with the people at work Ryan Miller: and i dont have the fortitude to make new friends at this point Beautifully Broken: you get along with larry Ryan Miller: he is a lazy person who does nothing but work and watch pornography. Ryan Miller: i get along with him because hes the only person at work who talks to me Ryan Miller: and my self esteem went out with you kicking me out Ryan Miller: seems as though im stuck with being a looser and a fuckup Beautifully Broken: I dont know what to say I havent ever said you were a loser or fuck up Ryan Miller: who wants to be friends with that? Ryan Miller: well thats what i am Beautifully Broken: i just know that for fuck sake things were getting physical and yeah i am partly to blame there i guess but i couldnt let it keep getting worse Ryan Miller: i’ve lost 2 wives, all my kids, and fucked up 2 marriages, and the lives of all my kids Ryan Miller: so that makes me a looser and a fuckup Beautifully Broken: Millions get divorced Ryan sometimes 6 times doesnt make it a bad thing and as for the kids well i think thats a mutual thing i dont know Ryan Miller: i dont know what im going to do Beautifully Broken: Was bound to happen i guess hell people wont back the fuck off Ryan Miller: ? Beautifully Broken: but hell at least you have shot at having them right Ryan Miller: not really. shes just blowing smoke up my ass Beautifully Broken: Its on the damn report i doubt that Ryan Miller: you and i both know i dont have a chance Beautifully Broken: hell Mine says i have no chance its in balck and white

[eccentric-writing-blog]

June 1, 2008

I am so damn sleepy! I ended up getting so completely fed up with everything and all that i walked out of my house at midnight and walked for 3 hrs or more just walked aimlessly through the night before showing up on Johns doorstep. I really had a lot i was going to say but now im just to damn tired I cant think of how to say it all or im just to damn lazy lol

[eccentric-writing-blog]

May 31, 2008

Tomorrow makes 4 months since someone came to my home took my 3 amazing children and walked out the door with them  in that 4 months .. my baby turned 4yrs old .. started pre-school , noah went to the first grade .. mary finished the 3rd grade .. shell be in 4th next year .

Noah is in swim lessons , Mary in riding lessons , and I am not a part of any of it .. just a very small window , a glimpse to them that happens once a week for an hour or so .. other then that life is well for them , they are happy and content and thriveing .. im the only one whos on the outside of that .. In 4 months i have maybe seen my children a whole of 24hrs .. thats a whole of 1day in their very fast very young lives .. i am a blink to them really , but still im here their mother and I hurt .. tears are still falling . my heart is still breaking more and more everyday even when i think it cant break anymore it still finds away , I still cant explain it to anyone because there’s no explaining what it feels like ..

The social worker now says she has to wait till July to start home visits , apparently even though she said while we were at court on April 1st that she would work on starting those (maybe it was all an april fools joke) any how now she says she has to have a court order to do that we dont go back to court til July 27th .. guess what .. that is after my little boy turns 8 and after my mary turns 9 ..

She also says that Noah at first will not be part of these homes visits .. just my girls .. they dont think Noah will be able to make it in the same home with the girls its going to be to hard going to be to much for all of them , so in short i may be forced to choose having my girls at home .. having noah at home .. or having none of them if i fight it all . I dont want to do that I want all my babies all of them ..

I dont have anything else to say .. in short im useless , Im very much just … nothing nevermind

[eccentric-writing-blog]

May 28, 2008

I know its late and all but what the hell am I missing here

Ryan Miller: what u hyper about? Dianne: im just now getting sleepy dont need a reason to be hyper im me Ryan Miller: excuse me Ryan Miller has signed out. (5/29/2008 4:20 AM)

Dianne: what the hell is that about how is what i said rude Dianne: damn i dont even have to talk about you can tell i have an additude jesus at least when you do that and im there you can say it was the tone .. im not there and your getting all pissy about NOTHING

I mean ffs I didnt even say anything he pulls this shit enough when Im around him talking accuses me of it being “in the tone” or “you implied” but fuckin hell now he acts like i have said something wrong on a damn IM .. am i loseing it or is this just damn well stupid .. maybe hes pissed off that i wont sleep with him .. hes ask begged .. implied .. and all other things and i turn him down and im going to keep doing so .. but holy hell what is the aditude about .. away whatever its 4:30am i should be sleeping , there is update on the situation with the kids but i cant even spell to do that so i will tomorrow ..

[eccentric-writing-blog]

May 25, 2008

So after a shitty day of all kinds of bullshit mostly Ryan and his mind games , and then Mike saying he wasn’t going to be able to make it out that his parents were flying in and he has some car troubles i was pretty bummbed and pissed off

But then Mike messaged back saying his parents missed their flight and wouldn’t be down till today and said he could come out and so he did he is absoulutely adorable in person and such a sweetheart a complete gentalmen he opened the car door and all the other doors he wasnt talking about all the sex stuff and opened all the doors , we went to a little coffee shop and talked till 1 in the morning then he came back here we chatted a little more and then he gave me a big hug before heading home it was completely sweet and great and amazing  when he got home we talked online till 5am and I am still smiling