echtowrite

[echtowrite]

marriage blues?

These are my sentiments lately:

I WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I dunno when, how, who, or where. I was having the marriage blues; I am not even a girlfriend at this point. I really don’t know why.  I am aware of the burdens of marriage; I saw that firsthand.  I am also aware of how difficult it is to be with someone 24/7, being able to live under one roof, sharing a bed, learning their flaws and accepting them, I know it will be hard but I’m starting to want them.

I am romanticizing marriage at this point.  I even shared this with one of my closest friends, how silly does it make me? Haha. This was what I said “I wanted to get married.  I want to experience owning one small house, going home with someone I love after a long day, wanting for a cuddle after dinner or just having my own space doing what I want, for example reading a book but you’re right next with someone who does his own thing as well or have slow mornings after a week-long work which exhaust the shit out of me, sipping coffees while we’re recapitulating what happened with our week, binge-watch some Kdrama or Netflix series, or just doing nothing. I think doing nothing with someone you love is still better than not having it at all”. I am still stuck with the I-can’t-date-now-cause-I-have-so-much-in-my-plate scenario.

Maybe I am starting to wear off. My single era is wearing off. Maybe, all this time, what I truly want is to date somebody. But I promised myself I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t if I still had this rage in me. If I still couldn’t control myself. I know I still couldn’t. I know how ugly I can be if I lose my control. I saw it before. So, here I am, still finding my value. I am investing in myself because I am as valuable as anyone else. I am no better but at least, I am trying, which is enough for now.

Maybe my age is also one of the culprits why I am having this feeling. I am turning 25 next year, 3 months from now. Life is paddling faster than I expected or I am just busy, enough to not see my achievements this year?

I don’t know but I am getting envious. I envy those friends who had their kids, worked jobs they wanted, travelled alone, married and had company in this messy world. I am slowly wanting them or I just didn’t know what I really want that is why I am having this feeling.

I just hope it doesn’t get worse because I don’t like isolating myself again.  I don’t want to drop life too low.

I just hope I am just tired.

-Mecha

10262024

[echtowrite]

R E M E D Y

I was once asked what did pandemic brought to my life, well, I was broken the whole time it happened, my family reckon to believe I had ended my 5 years relationship with someone so stable to be with me. So, I happened to overthink the idea of why I broke up with that person. The whole duration of the pandemic was my moving-on journey. I spent time chopping out weeds on the farm. My family decided to build a nipa hut since we've been spending a lot of time on the farm. It was my remedy. I became more active; I read more books; wrote a lot; spent time under the sun; went into the lake more frequently than I used to be; and picked different fruits occasionally.

I found solace in silence and slow-paced living. Everything felt so easy and life felt good. I was overjoyed and I think about that time often. When I sat outside, waiting for cars to pass, seemingly enjoying my alone time, I ended up thinking about that moment, that was life, surreal, and felt so good. I hope to have that kind of time again.

Soon.

[echtowrite]

5 posts!

[echtowrite]

Enough

been listening to Alex Roe lately. his solid husky voice is repeatedly played in my mind despite listening to it all day long. i couldnt fathom how love could make someone feel small about themselves because of someone's love for them. like, how can someone say they arent enough for someone's love? like, how big of a person do you think that person is to think that way about yourself? im profoundly thinking about that.

anyway, i decided to take time writing here before i went to bed, so yeah, here i am now, doing what i need to do. im here to write what i think and to leave it here freely. im grateful that i have Tennesse who I can share everything i wanted to lay my head into, from small unnecessary talks to some serious notes, to unconventional love talks and all. im grateful of how beautiful our friendship is! im grateful for everything i have, for eating as much as i want and being fed enough. im grateful of my possesions which are all the relationships i have (my siblings, parents, my relationship with my nanay, my friends). im grateful that i decided to cut someone without telling them and just walked away because i was no longer feeling safe and im anxious all the time. im grateful that God let me experience things despite me always asking for more.

today, i wanted to cherish life and how good it was to me lately despite feeling so lost and unmotivated, and pressured. im thankful that i got to talk to Louie and lay my problems to him without any pressure and not just dumping stalks of negativities because he let me open things up.

i know God has plans for me, but they arent working my way now because He has greater plans for me. im living for that.

goodnight, pals.

[echtowrite]

hope to live for it all

what might have been happening right now isnt in my favor but im trying my best to win the situation. Im up for the game, i've got myself buckled up! im so curious and driven with things I shouldnt be thinking but what am i supposed to do? im left here doing nothing at all! im in no relationship, got no friends to talk to cause it seems to me im bothering them or im consuming their positivity or im just some negative air poisoning their clouds. I dunno. im seriously not living it up. everyone thinks im okay and im not bothered by how life treated me but i am! im so bothered by it! i got lots of ambition, and got a lot of plans, got a lot of it but its not working at all. everything! seriously? why? i dont want to be somebody who ends up at the end of the cliff, barely hanging, and questioning life, but im about to go down that path which is pathetic. my faith is even on the line, how pathetic is that? i dunno. im am really trying. i really do!

[echtowrite]

nothing special

there’s this random idea in my head that I wanted to do. I’ve been having trouble with things that are usually easily handled, but I’m not getting it now. Everything is so hard these days. I got so unusual. Did I really miss the old me? The one who laughs loudly in the room, the one who gets so timid and shy when everybody is looking, the one who never knows when to say no to things that make her uncomfortable or bother her, the one who keeps on ranting about anything but plays dumb about it. I miss yelling about how fucked up life is! I miss letting my mind wander and off for the trail. I miss being free and just letting things go as it is. I miss the young, naive, and unbothered me. 

[echtowrite]

12 midnight thoughts

there are directions in life we really wanted to walk ourselves into and dive into the mysteries of the unknown but the more steps we take, the more lost we feel. It was easy to dream but hard to make it into reality. I always have this thought in the back of my mind that after graduating, I’ll find a job that would suit my taste, whether in my field or in a different field. I was so immersed in my dream that I forgot to mind the harshness of the reality. The moment it slapped me, it already sweep off my feet and I found myself lying on the ground. Right now, it’s almost a year since I graduated and I still haven’t found the job I wanted to do. The eagerness dies inside me. All I think about all day long is how to meet day’s end, nothing much to say about it. I was once a career-driven woman, now, I merely even know what I wanted. All I do is sit here and think about my decisions. Is it even right for me to take this path? Am I in the right place? I dunno. 

[echtowrite]

im just 23.

life has a lot to offer. I haven’t figured out life yet. I know I have a long run to determine which way to go, I am uncertain and lost at the moment but hey,  I’m only 23. Life isn’t near-end. I have a long journey ahead. 

[echtowrite]

Forgiveness.

It never came to me that one day that i'll write letter for u again. Not contemplating of the love I had, but the forgiving of my heart from everything that happened between us. I just wake up tonight and have this feeling na i forgiven you already. I know you are not asking for it, and we are not okay, but im forgiving you of whatever you did to me. Kay how ugly may it be, we share those times together and I just cant erase them all. They were part of my memory and you were part of it. Life will never be the same, never will be. I will never be the same confident and unfazed human that u knew. After everything you did, trusting was really hard to do anymore. Its difficult to say, i could make it better one day, i dont know what life holds for me and what it keep in store, all i know is that the pain you caused me, made me the woman i am today. Scared, troubled, overthinker, having a lot of what-ifs, doubtful and having difficulty. I am no better with all the other girls whose been here before. The path of moving forward is quite bumpy and trust me, i dont know how to figured out my way out. Im done moving on from you, but im not done moving on from the effect of the pain. You see, seeing you doesn't troubled me anymore. Seeing the both of you isn't my pet peeve. Im all fine. The only thing that made this difficult is how you handled this in the first place. How can you face me now with you guilt trip me and talk behind my back? Everything, I accepted them all. Nothing from it is store in my heart to cause hatred. I am so done dying from it. I will be lying if i said i havent checked you, i did. I looked at you, and i all i feel before was hatred. But now, nothing.. I dont have any feelings to feel towards you, not even hatred and angriness. Absolutely nothing at all. I can now speak your name of which i forbid myself from doing. Life, it will never be easy, same as accepting the fact that you played me bad. You know, i cant hold my anger for too long, maybe thats why you seek forgiveness last last month, and it may have shocked you that im still angry. It is new to me too. This is by far the longest hate I felt toward someone, but as a person with a heart like mine, forgiveness was still herein. Today, i wrote this letter because i forgive you already. Live your life now. I am all better. Thank you for the nth time, for loving me unconditionally, and hurting me like no one else does. Thank you for them all. Good-bye.

-Mecha.

[echtowrite]

the “camp soteria” experience

this was one of the many peaceful outing I did last year..

spending time with my college friend, i was able to breath from the heartaches. this was after almost a year from the break up.. 

you know what hurt the most after spending time here? it is when we’re about to leave.. i was picturing a life in this place.. less people, less noise just the wave crashing... the picturesque view plus the people i adore.. 

 i am a big fan of less people, great people.. it is when u have less friends but u know they are all that u need. i am like that. i like scenery like this. i like being alone even when i am with everyone. i like seeing them playing, i like hearing them laughing while  i lay my body under the heat. i like peace for my soul..

i spent my time, swimming with just me, it took them hours and hours taking pictures but i instantly jump into the water, i watched them playing while i was about to sleep, i heard them laughing as they shared a lot of fond memories while i look at the sky and thinking about myself.. i read books while they we’re singing and dancing.. u see, i like them-- i love them but i like being like this too..

i’ll write again..

[echtowrite]

"maybe the greatest love of all is who the eyes can't see"

- Pamungkas (to the bone)

[echtowrite]

last letter for my former lover

Writing is difficult for me nowadays..

 As I am writing now, I am thinking of everything we both went through.. life, we struggle a lot. We’ve been through difficulty together, sometimes it built us but most time it shattered us. Those years were quite fun... fun is just understatement for everything that happened in the relationship. Im not wondering anymore why you did what u did, I just stopped asking for reasons, cause I know, part of the problem was me, and I couldn’t accept the fact that you use me for you to gain something… you wrecked everything I built… looking how happy you are the moment, how victorious you felt after taking advantage of my naïve side, I still think about how you manage to do all of that… Still not feeling remorseful of the things that u did, I dunno why.

I lost count of all times I did everything for u, just realize you’ve been taking advantage of me by manipulating me, I was stunned thinking about it now, out from the relationship we both shared, made me understand all your actions and all the things you asked and you did, I was really lost thinking about it, I trusted you enough for me to share my all. You give me ounce of trauma and im living with it, day by day. It was hard to meet new people and be with new person after all that happened to us. You are my living nightmare and I cant escape you.. I just cant.. im trying day by day, gaining myself back, but there are hard days, its when u just came in form of memory, and drown me to my worries and scared my every being, such a poisonous venom you had inflicted in my good times, cant look at it the same anymore..

I guess I would write it hours and hours.. digesting all of the bullshits..

U know I write to ease the pain, sharing all I went through to all of my trusted friend isn’t enough… u know I write to let it all out.. ive been trying not to, it has  been a month and I vent it out to my friends, all the frustrations, the questions, the disappointment, the pain, the struggle to just accept it all. I went blank for the mean time. I got issues to clear, got mentally unstable because of it, need a breather to calm myself, got triggered for small instances, I was so lost and bind to all that u did to me.. no word can describe how difficult it is for me day by day.. how it affected my friends and my family. My coping mechanism wasn’t working, it worsen my mental state and my being..

I’m not praying for u to feel guilty of this all, I’m not even praying for u to feel, somehow, of what I feel. I stopped reacting to all the things that you cause me pain.. I stopped talking about u and stopped hearing all your whereabouts. U know, this is the hardest of all the pain you given me.. seeing how happy u are now, and here I am, lost.. in agony.. Devouring from all the sadness my heart is aching.. I just hope u wouldn’t feel this… I just hope that what u have now, is the best for u..

It might took me years to gain myself back, but I guess I’ll be fine.. im writing now to let u know that im over u.. and I will never be the same person again.. I will never be the same confidante that u had before. I will never be the same strong, willful and empowered person I am before.. I will be trying things out from my comfort zone.. I’ll be better without u day by day.. I hope this wont haunt u… best luck to life..