eddiezj

[eddiezj]

I had a dream I was with Giselle at some kind of ceremony. We were sitting together & She was flawless & kind & so beautiful.

[eddiezj]

I dreamt of her

I went to some rundown place. Everything was post-apocalyptic looking. This store was no different. I broke off from my group to find a restroom. I went through a door in the back which led to a hospital and after some running around I found a women's restroom. Feeling frustrated I turned back. I got lost a bit but eventually returned the way I came. At this point I had forgotten about my group and was outside driving. Then, suddenly, across the ditch I saw her: Hara. She was just standing there being pretty. I ran over to her and hugged her tightly and was rubbing my cheek to hers. Needless to say she was a bit startled. I was more happy than I had ever been in my entire life. She was alive and well, my heart was overflowing with happiness. She asked what's this about? I said, I'm sorry. You're dead in my timeline. Somehow that store/hospital that I got lost in was the doorway to other timelines. Dreams may not be real but the emotions they evoke are very real.

[eddiezj]

HARA | Pretty Girl (2008)

[eddiezj]

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　. °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ goo hara ˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚

[eddiezj]

I miss you everyday. I’ve come to the realization that time does not heal all wounds. Time only makes it worse. One day I woke up and my roommate asked me if I was okay because I was crying in my sleep. I thought nothing of it. Later that day it all came rushing back. I dreamt of you. I was going through my music and it was all you….I completely fell apart. I was crying pretty hard. He heard me crying because I was. This has never happened before, not while unconscious and I don’t think it’s going to stop. It’s already 2024 and the more time that passes the harder it becomes. Because the realization that we are getting farther and farther away from the time when you were alive, it hurts so much. I was thinking about that while driving today and nearly broke down on the highway. I had to fight really hard to keep it together. My love for you grows and so does the pain along with it. I can’t really explain it. Even in death you continue to give me strength. Your name will be the only tattoo I ever get. Your name will be the only one fitting of a daughter should I ever have one. Thank you for everything. I just wish you had gotten the help you needed. I find solace in knowing we will meet in heaven one day. You charmed me from the moment I saw you. Then Kara became my #1 group and you became my first and #1 bias. More than a decade has passed since then and that still holds true. Over the years we laughed, cried, and grew together. What is Kara to you? “We love each other so Kara is love.” When Kara finally made it and Gyuri was freaking out and said “I’m Tokyo Dome.” When Kara said they would give the deepest bow (to the ground) if they made it #1 or to Tokyo dome (I forgot the condition) and Kamilias came through and Kara kept their promise and got on the ground and bowed. When Hara outran everyone. She was called the Goosian Bolt. When Kara no Hara desu. When Hara would grab a members hand and run all over the stage. When Hara On & Off. When Nicole & Jiyoung decided not to renew their contracts and left Kara. When Baby Kara. When Hara liked my instagram comment that said “you’re pretty.” When Hara yelled Ave Maria in a hilarious Karaoke Instagram Live. When Hara was in City Hunter. When Full Bloom and so many more. I cherish all my memories. I will always love you.

[eddiezj]

Always thinking about you

Hara’s death changed me. I hate that she's gone. She was a powerful source of light, of good, and now there’s just that much more darkness in the world. Her absence is felt every day. Nothing seems right without her. This reminds me of forky from toy story. He keeps throwing himself in the garbage because he thinks he’s trash, but he’s not. Did Hara think she was trash? Is that why she tried to kill herself the first time? Then she kept on living for a short while and succeeded in taking her own life. She kept jumping in the trash can, but why? She was not trash, no, she was quite the opposite. She was gold, precious jewels, priceless, and yet, she could not see her worth. The darkness can’t win unless you let it. Don’t let your flame go out. Let it shine bright. Life may not always be easy, but you are never alone. A lot of things in this world don’t seem quite right. People say “I loved him” or “I loved her” when someone has passed. However, that’s not right. You don’t stop loving someone when they die and that’s why it hurts, why it’ll always hurt. I still love Hara and the pain is never going away. I often find myself at the verge of tears just thinking about her. I wish she could’ve seen her worth and known how much she was loved by her brother, her friends, and fans. I wanted to meet her. That was a big life goal and now it’s nothing more than a delusion. Whenever I think about my most perfect version of myself I see Hara. I realized I didn’t have any Hara photo cards so I purchased some. I needed some of my Queen. Rest now sweet angel. 

[eddiezj]

I dreamt of Hara again. She was having a photoshoot and she was flawless. I named my car The Haramobile and I'm gonna change the color from brown to pink when can. 

[eddiezj]

2019.19.11 『HARA Zepp Tour 2019 ～Hello～ 』

[eddiezj]

[eddiezj]

It’s the 3rd anniversary of your death and my heart still hurts. I wish you were alive and well. You had the biggest impact on my life. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you roses today. A queen needs her roses. Everything is shut down today. I will be back soon. I love you so much.

[eddiezj]

It’s been nearly 3 years and my heart still hurts. I’ve experienced loss before to death, but this is by far the hardest and hurts the most. My heart aches for her. I miss her so much. My phone background has been Hara for years before her death and it’s still her, as is my laptop background. Because I love her so much. I plan on traveling to South Korea to visit her grave. And I know I am gonna fall apart when I do.

[eddiezj]

If I could really have any 1 wish come true I would ask to bring Hara back to life. I don’t care about anything else. She was my number one. I love her more than anyone else. That’s why she’s been my Queen from the beginning. I cherished the time we had. I was excited to grow old together and couldn’t wait for the memories we would make in the future. I’ve never felt like that before about anyone else. Her death broke me. Legion, for we are many: fragments. Years before she took her life I decided that if I ever had a daughter I would name her Hara because that’s the name of a beautiful, strong, smart, wonderful person that I look up to, adore, and is very close to my heart. I hate that she’s dead. I hate it so much. She’s very much a part of me, and a big part at that. Even as I write this Kara’s Take A Bow is playing. I’ve never hurt so much from the death of a loved one before. I was at work when I found out. I broke down so bad and couldn’t tell anyone why cause every time I tried more tears would come out. It took about 30 minutes before I was able to speak. And another 30 to pull myself together and finish my shift. I hated those 15 days so much because I was working. Not a day off, thanksgiving didn’t count cause I didn’t have any time to myself. So when I finally got a day off I was able to let my defenses down and mourn her. I’ve seen movies and shows where people just sit and stare of pictures of loved ones and I never understood why, until Hara died. She was the love of my life and nothing seems right without her. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t something I can get over.

[eddiezj]

Many years ago I was on YouTube and I wanted to know the song playing in the background of what I was watching. The uploader was kind enough to put the artist and song in the description. It was Kara’s Mr. That’s how my Kpop adventure began. I did research which lead me to Lupin MV and that was the 1st time I saw Hara and she pulled me in instantly. If not for that random video I wouldn’t be who I am today. Kpop is such a big part of me. It is also because of that person that I always list the artists and songs in videos that I upload. There’s been times when I tried to find songs and couldn’t because the uploader didn’t give any information. That person changed my life and I don’t want others to miss out on amazing life-changing experiences because i didn’t list the music information. It’s believed that a few decisions shape your life but that’s not right. It’s many incidents throughout your lifetime that cause you to change that shape your life. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad. The best way I can describe this is that it becomes a fixed point in your life. Said event happened, you changed, and there is no going back.

[eddiezj]

My gorgeous queen. You’re always on my mind. Rest now. May we meet in heaven one day. I love you.

[eddiezj]

Reprinting bigger

[eddiezj]

I’ve never understood why people in movies just sit, staring at a picture of a loved one that died...for years. That is, until Hara died. It’s been 2 years and I can’t believe she’s gone. I don’t think I ever will. It just seems so unreal, but I guess the realest things are that way. I cherished her and not once took her for granted. I think I'm gonna upload her last live that I saw. In it she was reading some English comments and responding. “Be happy. I am so happy.” Of course we all knew she was just saying that not to worry us. She just lost her best friend, Sulli, to suicide. Then she followed shortly after. We lost not one, but two beautiful souls.

[eddiezj]

A part of my heart, a part of me, gone now, alive eternally.