eff-plays - Tumblr blog

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The fact that I didn't lose and in fact gained followers thanks to this post proves that 1) my followers are so extremely cool and sexy and correct and 2) we're all in this together, stay strong everybody 😔✊

"Astarion is actually so masculine and wants to protect and provide for Tav! He's actually really strong physically and can throw Tav around! And also he's always on top so he's clearly masculine! And him being with women means he gets an extra special vampire treat ;)"

"Astarion is such a bratty effeminate twink who complains about his nails and cares too much about his appearance! His voice and movements are sooo campy! I simply can't imagine him with a woman, he's sooo gay-coded, he's simply made to be a bratty bottom."

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I've been thinking about creating a parody blog of an Astarion fan. Where I can post cursed fandom crap in- and out-of-character (as in, make original posts in the same vein, but they're satire, not actually interacting with/calling out people). And I just secured an extremely cursed URL for it, just in case. It would also keep some of my saltier posts off of this blog. Not sure I actually want to make the blog though, cuz maybe it's a little too mean. We don't wanna clown on fellow Astarion enjoyers too much. Even if it feels warranted sometimes 😔

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Listen man it's fine to just like. Have a kink. And imagine a vampire eating your bloody coochie. Without trying to justify it with fax and logic. Cuz I'm starting to think some of you might not know what menstrual blood is for ...

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bg3 tweets 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6

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character in media: *has an even slightly non-standard gender presentation*

every pea-brained dork in the vicinity: ok but are they more girl-coded or boy-coded 😳

"Astarion is actually so masculine and wants to protect and provide for Tav! He's actually really strong physically and can throw Tav around! And also he's always on top so he's clearly masculine! And him being with women means he gets an extra special vampire treat ;)"

"Astarion is such a bratty effeminate twink who complains about his nails and cares too much about his appearance! His voice and movements are sooo campy! I simply can't imagine him with a woman, he's sooo gay-coded, he's simply made to be a bratty bottom."

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"Astarion is actually so masculine and wants to protect and provide for Tav! He's actually really strong physically and can throw Tav around! And also he's always on top so he's clearly masculine! And him being with women means he gets an extra special vampire treat ;)"

"Astarion is such a bratty effeminate twink who complains about his nails and cares too much about his appearance! His voice and movements are sooo campy! I simply can't imagine him with a woman, he's sooo gay-coded, he's simply made to be a bratty bottom."

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The best part about playing a bard is that you can imagine them saying "Heh ... they used to call me that in college 😏" and it'll still make sense in-universe.

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Hey do people who say these are the only good male elf heads know what they sound like haha

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El Zorro

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The for you page suck ass, for me they show me things i have in the list of content i dont want to see, so it appears with "you say you didnt want to see this content so its hiden" like tumblr cmon!

Yeah I saw a post recently that was like "um if you see weird content on your for you page that's on you because umm that's just how the algorithm works sweaty so umm you're telling on yourself" which is so very Tiktok-brained cuz the algorithm on here sucks ass.

And like if that were true then I guess tumblr must take my blocking posts and people as valid "interaction" cuz they keep pushing the shit I explicitly told them I do not want to see. And it's not even like ?? Popular stuff?? I get posts with single-digit notes of stuff I defo did not ask for from tags I do not follow so what's the excuse here!!

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If tumblr has an algorithm then it sucks farts outta my ass cuz I keep blocking AA fans and annoying BG3 posters on my personal and they keep popping up on my for you page like tumblr directly sees me shooting them out of the sky and throwing out more like "oh you like this? you like this you little bitch?"

No I don't tumblr. I do not want 50589484 fics of ascendant Astarion and his 19-year-old edgy child bride having the most boring straight-man-porn intercourse imaginable.

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Mentally I am here

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Kinda wanna make ... The Sims 4 townhouse builds ... based on the fears in TMA ...

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i feel like astarion could maybe POSSIBLY be halfway decent with like, older kids but absolutely awful with babies. if you handed him an infant i think he'd hold them as far away from his body as possible like a bag of medical waste. you ask astarion to watch your baby for 5 minutes and when you get back the baby is trying to stick their finger in a socket and astarion is completely gone

Or sitting in a chair in the corner and keeping an eye on it from across the room. At best. And he will never change a diaper. If you leave your baby with Astarion I think that qualifies as neglect.

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Not exactly a dadstarion truther either (mostly bc it took me a while to actually warm up to the idea and also hes NEVER having kids with my durge, only my tav (can you imagine this man parenting a Bhaalspawn? A dhampir Bhaalspawn?? Nonono.)) But I do find something a little compelling about the thought of this man who a) has had absolutely nothing of his own for as long as he can remember and b) sees himself as worthless and irreparably fucked up creating this tiny new person? Like, they're part of him, he made this precious little creature (with the person he already loves most)? This soft and innocent thing? (Which he would waffle awfully between wanting to keep innocent for as long as possible but also making sure they know about life's horrors so they can avoid them) Like sure the baby version is annoyingly loud and can't do anything and also gross and smells but he can teach the toddler to bite people. He is the absolute worst enabler, spoils the kid rotten. Teaches them to steal and pick locks and just lets them get away with murder. Parent #2 has to do all the actual parenting part cuz damn he's not doing the discipline thing at all.

Also the vain part of him likes looking at his kid and sort of seeing some of his face in them, since he can't use an actual mirror.

Well he'd be cured by the time he has the kid or soon after in my canon, so that last part wouldn't apply for me.

And yeah, when I say that I'm not a dadstarion truther I don't mean that I don't see it happening ever, but more that to me, that first step in itself is the one that I see as least likely.

Because I can accept that he would learn to love the kid, that he would care about it and spoil it. I can also accept (and would gladly explore) him having a complicated relationship with the kid, either early on in a postpartum depression sort of way, or further down the line in a "I can't find common ground with my teen/young adult" sort of way (or both lbr).

The problem, to me, is that I don't see Astarion going "let's have a kid!" I don't see him genuinely wanting one, and I don't see him finding any reason to lie about wanting one, and I don't see Hira believing any of those lies even if he does try. It's really the initial hurdle. The rest I'm happy to make as dysfunctional and weird as it would realistically be when a guy who shouldn't be a dad becomes a dad. One of the reasons I came up with Critter is because I find it compelling how much Astarion is not a dad guy, and how that would fuck up a person like Critter. That's juicy stuff. And also a way for me to work out my own daddy issues I guess lmao.

But getting that started? Actually inventing a reason for how Astarion would even agree to it? That's where I struggle. And that's why I'm torn. Cuz I do want to stay true to my own interpretation of a character, while also wanting to create a new character and put them both (and also Hira) in situations.

Like I'm happy for all the dadstarion peeps who have cool dhampir girlies running around on adventures and I'd love to join them, but I also think that if I were true to Astarion's characterization, that kid would have issues. Like maybe a lot of them.

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Thinking abt baby Hira being betrayed by their lover and then killing him despite loving him more than anything

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Hey! Don't feel bad for thinking concept art Cazador was hot. He was based on actual real-life model Tony Thornburg.

I think I know why they uuh ... changed the final version of Cazador now lmao.