ehcb3techgyrcexjbfrhedx

[ehcb3techgyrcexjbfrhedx]

[ehcb3techgyrcexjbfrhedx]

missing you

missing you wasnt panicking at the mention of your name or crying to my friends. it wasnt starring at the stars and thinking about you before i went to bed. it was quiet almost secret, it lived in the warm brease that brought with it fall, the season we first met. missing you was telling my friends i was so much better while chewing my nails clean off. missing you was a passing thought while listening to my favorite song. but more specifically getting sad at that one country tune that we used to sing together. missing you was imploring my friends not to talk about you but reminiscing when they brought you up anyways, thinking about our relationship to find what i missed. it wasnt scribbling on wrinkled pages in my journal or scrolling threw insta stalking your friends like i had with so many others. missing you was subconsciously being kinder and helping people i used to hate. but missing you was also ditching class to spite your memory , convincing my self to hate you as i smoked pot behind the church. missing you was agreeing to go to the doctor like you always wanted and drinking tons of water when i got  a headache. missing you wasnt like missing anyone else it was an unpleasant warmth a funny feeling. uneasy in my stomach and wobbly in my knees. winter and fall depression was like missing you the leaves turning orange and red then dying suddenly and falling to the ground. missing you was the orange and pink sunrise from the metro not looking so bright and the tree peppered hills not so calming. missing you wasnt sadness but numbness it was jumping into new relationships it was staying crazy busy. missing you was reaching out once a month to tell you that maybe i couldn't make it on my own. it was briefly giving into the embarrassment and admitting i dont need you i want you. missing you was seeing you in all life's beauty. it was wishing i could tell you how ive gotten a bad grade and havent bin sick in a week, telling you how im happier then ever. it was wanting you to known im in a happy relationship and that i cut my hair short, but wanting to rant about my hard days too. it was wishing i could share my pumpkin bread and heart shaped cookies that i baked in the dead of night. it was silent but louder then words. the lighting before the thunder. screaming into my pillow ar night. missing you is sending you this because above everything o want you to still know i care even when your long gone.