eiewts

[eiewts]

I looooove doing this thing where I create something, try something new on for a while, and then when I find it doesn't fit me I erase all evidence of the previous thing there ever was. But suddenly, im beginning to realize that, I am not only these things, I am /all/ of these things. Everything that I like is what it is regardless of who I am or how I appear when I like it. And I can also stop liking something even after liking it for a long time, but I shouldn't do so just because of what other people may think. I try to keep my opinions and likes updated with my morals, if I find out something is bad then I cut it out because that is the right thing to do. But a lot of what is good and bad is simply subjective, and people often draw their own hypocritical lines when separating art from artist in their own likes, so I am just as able to do so within my own world. I have to stop letting people dictate my world, or better yet, stop letting the ideas of other people's perception get in my way. Because truly, that's what my issue is. I'm finding comfort and acceptance from people when I express my opinion, but if I don't express my opinion, I don't get the correct feedback. I get feedback based upon what I think these people want from me, and it's not authentic. I'm so tired of being inauthentic. I just want to be myself, but I have to find who that is once and for all. It's been so long that I've restrained myself, that it's hard to know what's the true self and what's done out of mask or fear or habit. The more I learn about the human mind, especially when growing up neurodivergent and traumatized, the more I consider that I could be multiple versions of the same self. And that these multiple versions come out at specific moments to do specific tasks or be certain personalities with certain people. But I suppose that's another post for another day. The point of this one is to introduce the idea of this space and acknowledge that I tried to do this before, on several occasions, but always ended up backpedaling for one reason or another. And that now, it's truly okay. It's a safe place for me to dump my thoughts onto the Internet forever, found by no one and everyone simultaneously. And as I continue to process my thoughts and my past traumas, I can get closer to finding my true, authentic self, and having that as my presence to those around me. And it's not a matter of "this time I'll get it right", but more of an ongoing and infinite personal exploration into authenticity. I don't need to feel I have to get something right, I need to feel like being alive. I need to feel like my behaviors aren't just a response, or a safety net, and that I'm just truly living in the present, in the now. I feel guilty that my every sentence is scripted and every action preplanned, and I feel guilty for feeling guilty that I do those things based upon survival, and the way I survived past trauma. But there's no better time to learn to undo these things than now. I'm in the best place I've been, i have a stable job and a side gig, I have a place to live, I have food provided, I have classes to look forward to completing to give me a fulfilling and exciting career, Ive got people who love and accept me for who I am no matter what, and they've proven it time and time again. I am free to be me. Completely. Entirely me. Even if that means I am multiple, I am all of me. I am all those parts, the feminine, the masculine, both and neither, I'm an artist, a scientist, I'm smart and dumb, I'm funny and serious, I'm sensitive and aloof, I am all that I am, and all that I've yet to discover. I have to allow myself to be all of these things when I feel I need to be them. No more suppressing, no more restrictions. Just authentically me. And I will learn, in time, to love it all. To love me and all my parts. To love me more than anyone else. So to me and to only me, this is everything I've ever wanted to say.