eilooxara

[eilooxara]

The bird whisperer

(via)

[eilooxara]

Sometimes it feels like you've lived your whole life in a house that's always a little bit on fire. Like it's usually just in one room and you make sure to wet the walls around it so it doesn't spread and that usually works. You were expected to take more responsibility over fire containment when you were like seven because it's not like you can expect your parents to always be 100% on guard about making sure the whole house doesn't catch fire, and you figure that's just how things are like.

And sometimes as a kid you visit your friends' homes and some of then whisper to you - grimacing with embarrassment - about how they're not supposed to tell anyone this, but there's a whole room in their house that's currently on fire. And you're like yeah it's ok I'm not supposed to tell people about the way our house is a little bit on fire all the time, too. And then you visit some other friend's house and there's no trace of fire anywhere, and you think "wow, these people are really good at hiding their house fire."

And one day you show up to work like "hey sorry I'm late, I forgot to wet the walls before going to bed last night and my whole house burned down", and you're startled by the way people react, acting like that must be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And you're just like "chill, it's been years since the last time this happened, and it wasn't even that bad this time", and that just makes people more shocked, acting like that's the weirdest and most concerning thing they've ever heard anyone say, which only confuses you more.

And then someone tries to explain to you that people aren't supposed to have an ongoing house fire. Most people actually never experience a house fire in their lives. Like not even once. Not even a little bit. The normal amount of having your house be currently on fire is zero.

[eilooxara]

i think a really funny project that a statistics professor could have their class do is like. put a bunch of random, patently untrue demographic statements into a hat. "the most popular tv show among white men ages 24-27 is Bluey." "the majority of business majors are middle children." "bisexual women love hot chips." and each student picks one out of the hat and you gotta like. design a whole study and survey a group of people to specifically achieve that result. you have to prove it true. by whatever means necessary. you have to construct the most biased study possible and wrangle in your exact demographic to make that statement a statistical reality. i think people would learn a lot.

[eilooxara]

*remounts the air conditioner to point its airflow towards the floor*

my spouse and i disagree

[eilooxara]

"I'm sorry, air conditioner, but my answer is no."

my spouse and i disagree

[eilooxara]

I did it. After a lifetime of using light mode on all my devices, I switched to dark mode. My eyes just can’t take it anymore, and after a few days of using it, I decided dark mode was actually kind of cozy and nice. So it was time to update my light mode art with a new version!

[eilooxara]

The yearning is powerful today y'all

[eilooxara]

[eilooxara]

your universal basic income fucking saponified my fat stacks of cash

[eilooxara]

has anyone seen my pile of two grains of rice

[eilooxara]

I wish I ever had help in the garden

When she moved in, I thought that my housemate, who I'll call Useless Sack Of Shit to protect her identity, might be doing some gardening stuff too, but as it turns out, all USOS does is fuck up my gardening plans, pick strawberries and not share them with anyone, and try to get a high score on inaturalist

She doesn't even help fight off the invasive plants she identifies anymore... She did a little last year and none at all this year

Anyway asiatic bittersweet isn't THAT bad to root out. Its roots are fairly shallow and you can just pull up the 10 foot root all at once. It's much easier to deal with than multiflora rose

[eilooxara]

What I really need is a tank of goo to sleep in

I'd have neutral buoyancy so there'd be no undue pressure anywhere on my body and the goo would be nicely temperature controlled so I don't overheat or get cold

[eilooxara]

If you don’t like fat girls, nobody needs to hear your opinion on anything.

[eilooxara]

Whenever I see the phrase 'read Marx' I think of what's probably the most belabored, groan-inducing pun in a joke I've ever heard: so there's this nudist colony for communists, and two of them are sitting on the porch. One says to the other, "I say, comrade, have you read Marx?" The second says "Yes, must be these wicker chairs."

[eilooxara]

other americans often make me feel reserved and aloof yet europeans make me feel like a jolly moron. like a drunk king

[eilooxara]

i saw a girl on tiktok who put her salt lamp in the dishwasher and didn’t realize it would dissolve, and it’s been on my mind for like 3 days