ejamesquijano

[ejamesquijano]

SUNSETS THROUGH WINDOWS And some gorgeous afternoons with you

Vanish into the outburst of the night and leave me hanging, and I’ll be on my own at dawn, trying. Only to come back with tears and apologies as if provoking to decolor the bluest of seas. Promise me that you’ll never disappear and I’ll do the same as we welcome the sun even with some fears. Come play with me and later on we’ll see that everything right here is meant to be. I’d be willing to spend long train rides for as long as I have you on my side. Then we’ll walk into a box of actors and emotions we never thought were factors on why you and I are here to stay for longer.

Then we’ll move to a bigger box where we can play more and remember the reasons why and what are we here for. Longing stares, longer stairs, let me sink it in and let me taste your skin. We will build our life together, in a home that needs its borders. Then we’ll fix the broken windows, give respects to our own lame ghosts, and fade into the chaos of all of our red sorrows. For the sunrise will burn the maze and we’ll get to where we dream of even with magnificent daze.

Come and get it, come and get me, duplicate it so we’ll both have a key. In any weather, kiss it better, make me feel like I’m the greatest kind of lover. Pull me in, put it in, I am a willing victim if they all see this as a sin. Then we’ll laugh about it later, eat some ice cream and make it even sweeter. Let me shower you with warmth, as we shower together. Let me be the bluest fire when it gets a little colder. Lover oh my Lover, it’s a never-ending battle, so let’s be each other’s saviors, and in our love we’ll both take shelter. So promise to make me your constant choice, and everything else will just be white noise. For I’d love to spend every afternoon with you, every sunset in this room, until the orange skies turn blue.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 March, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

ON TO THE NEW CHAPTERS Creating pretty memories one page at a time

There was something about that day, the 12th of January, when Wence and I went on a trip to the city — with almost all of my things, all of my life compressed in boxes. For the first time, we have decided to live together, after 11 years of being in each other’s lives. We cannot believe it too; we were just so ecstatic about this. For the next three weeks, I have experienced living alone first, for Wence moved in with me only this February. I cannot really explain it, but it has been a longtime dream of mine to have a space I can call my own. And in those three weeks, I have been waking up with a smile of my face. When Wence finally moved in, new beautiful energies were born. Yes, there were few tunings here and there but this new chapter of our lives brings so much happiness that ignited our desire to keep doing life together. Sometimes I still feel how surreal everything is, because I really want this life for us and this is a dream-come-true.

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I have been healing so much lately. I am taking all of the peace in. I am loving myself more and more and I am protecting my core. I am trying my best to become more creative by testing my limits. I am in my most productive state this month and I love it, cause I’m just getting started. Sometimes I get those bittersweet feeling of homesickness, but nostalgia becomes beautiful only if you keep it in the past. The most important thing is how I have no regrets at all with this decision. I used to have a lot of questions before but today I know that it is firm: this is the life that I really want for myself and I am living it. Most days I feel happiness and contentment despite the fact that I still have a lot of aspirations and desires to realize. Because I do believe that being happy with the life you’re building for yourself every day is more important than future goals, for I have to live in the moment, appreciate the little things, while carving the way to reach my dreams.

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Before February ends, a dear friend of mine got married. I am so happy for her and I am so glad too that even after all of these years, we have remained the closest of friends. Lately I’ve been seeing my friends a lot and they keep on reminding me that this is the point of all these — appreciating your stillness and solitude, yet making time to form the greatest of memories with most important people in your life. I have been enjoying this little life I have of late, and it is not really in the grandest of ways, sometimes bliss comes from playing some good record and bathing yourself with beautiful music or going out in the middle of the night to have good coffee and good conversations with the ones you love. That, I believe, is life.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 February, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

UPROOTING MYSELF AGAIN It’s about time to pack my things and go

two years and a half ago, i have left the house i have lived in for nearly 30 years. two years and a half i have lived in a bigger one, created happy memories, cherished all of them, even the sad ones. but today i have decided to move again, this time to find that part of me that has been lost for a long time now. it is the perfect timing to do it, and i have to be brave for this. three long decades have passed and after tons of attempts in the past, i am finally doing it, i am diving into a life i want to create for myself, maybe with no life-vest, maybe with so much confusions, but i am ready now and it’s about time. i am going to miss my life in this town so much though. i am going to miss biking, taking photographs of all the beautiful spaces i see. i am going to miss the comfort that my family gives me. i am going to miss my beautiful niece, my new bestfriend that i have met just half a year ago. i am going to miss my bedroom, i never had my own one growing up, so this is something special to me even after living in it for only those two and a half years. i am going to miss a lot of things and i can’t even list it all down here. but it’s my destiny calling me on the phone, telling me it’s time to go. to live alone, or with the love of my life. to build myself again after being broken for quite some time now. to go back to that old me or discover the new me, to appreciate the city once more in a different light after being stung by it a long time ago. of course to work my ass off, to become rich in many aspects, to be more creative, to live a life of art that i crave for myself. or maybe even live a simple, quiet life every single day. i don’t care anymore but i know that i have to follow this strong urge to do this, to move out from this shell and find a new one where i can feel safe and happy again. i need to feel something. i need to feel bliss. i need to feel like i’m the luckiest person in the world again — with this life, with this age, with this new chapter. so i am doing it unprepared and ready at the same time. i’ll follow my heart’s desire. i’ll follow wherever the roads lead me. so hello there 2025, i am moving on and moving forward. i hope you’ll give me something beautiful to believe in.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 January, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

SEE YOU ALONG THE WAY And please don’t ever be a stranger

Perhaps it was this season’s colder nights. December breeze, blue hours, and the absence of sunsets? But I have been letting my sadness win most times and I am getting so drained by it. I am well aware of my messy life’s cycle; I am confused too. I get happy, I get sad. I let the darkness creep in, then battle my way back to the light. I know everything, I feel everything, and I don’t know too but that’s how my life was in recent memory.

--

2024 is never a mess. Yes, there was a lot of losses and sad days but perhaps I needed them to build my character, to appreciate the beauty that is left of me, whoever stayed, whoever sees my worth. Sometimes I look back at my reflection in the mirror, and put on a smile, thinking that I am still here despite every little smithereens of glass piercing through my fragile heart. Life is a beautiful thing, but it takes a deep kind of courage to keep doing it. So, I’ll say goodbye to this year still carrying that bittersweet smile on my face, for all of those sad goodbyes, hurtful feelings, lovely memories, and exhilarating first-times.

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Before the year ends, I’ve visited some old friends: once more, I was reunited with the sea, the sands, and the sun — perhaps to wash all of the remaining loneliness in me, perhaps to start anew. I fell in love with the peace from my own aloneness, walking through the woods, taking photographs of those exact moments, for I know that everything might change when I return someday. And then I had to move on. Another sad thing are separations, but I just know that I’ll see everything again next time, or in the next lifetime.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 December, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

BACK TO THE ROOTS Long stays in my shell again

Isolations. Lavander scents. Looking for exits. Concrete walls over concrete walls. Suffocations and peace. Chaotic spirits and warm bodies. Loving the sunsets lately amidst the rainy days, taking photographs, taking it all in. Hard times and I’m letting it all go. Emotional turmoil that has no name. Just let me be for now, I plead.

I dyed my hair black again, kept it long for days, then decided to cut it shorter than ever. Been listening to some good music too, breathing them as if they’re heroin. Been biking and surrendering myself to the sound, as well as to the light. My own kind of therapy, blissful thoughts over killer ones. Guitar strings on my mind, beautiful notes, deep connections.

Silver, you’re my best friend today. I don’t believe in much things lately but Jesus I love biking in my hometown, it fucking heals me. A couple of days I’ve seen myself shooting a film in the city. Followed by an event to keep my dreams sane. Somehow along the way I am free, paid all of my debts, paid the toll of heavens. The love of my life was with me too; we were happy on little taxi rides. Sometimes I love my life.

I miss singing. I miss writing. I miss reading a book – and lately I’ve just finished a novel but it doesn’t feel like I did. I am slowly doing everything I used to do and yet I feel empty, or perhaps the loneliness often wins. But I love being alone at times, I heal from that too. I saw myself smiling lately, I love my black hair. I love my white strands too. Cradle me back into my blackest shell, and soon it’ll be over, for I’m a life’s lover.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 November, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

THE IRONY OF IT ALL That’s life, that’s life, funny as it seems

sometimes i wonder why am i still here, hidden in the realms of a massive blackhole, when i’m good as gold? sometimes i worry if, as i age, there is something i am missing out in life. or is it my choice? if it is, then why? why am i built like this if no one would ever see it? when will i see the light of that tunnel shit? maybe it’s the birthday blues, maybe it’s the news, but i am not doing okay lately and i am having a lot of dark thoughts.

recently i’ve been dressing up nicely, meeting my oldest friends on saturdays. i’ll be having fun, enjoying the day, and be sleeping with a smile on my face. but why do i need to wake up the next morning with a heavy heart and for no reason at all? oh of course there are reasons, and i’ve been forcing myself to be mindful of them not to delve into more darkness but maybe to identify how to get out from it. i am confused too. i’ve been happy for a little while, now i’m fucked again. perhaps a therapy would help, but i got no money for that shit too.

on a thursday, i turned 31. happy birthday to me. am i old? why do i feel so old and feel like a nobody? i’m nowhere near my dreams and is still lost at sea. i tried to be glad and i think i did for a bit, especially on that thursday, but then i saw myself coming back to the pit. i mean i don’t want to, but that’s what happened as if i got no control.  it rained so hard on my birthday by the way, there was a storm actually. even the skies were crying with me, the only difference was i got no tears to shed. i am so selfish I hate it; others were fucking suffering and here i am thinking about myself and my fucked-up mind.

but really, is it that selfish after all?

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 October, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

WHAT HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER I can’t quite remember

I just know that before this month ended, I put on Lady Gaga’s Harlequin record for the first time, set-up some dramatic lighting, and for an hour I have seen myself dancing in my room, in front of an old mirror, with my whole body, mind, heart, and soul. By the end of this one-man show (a striptease actually), I was gasping for air, a bit drenched in my own sweat, but fucking really satisfied because hell yeah, I miss coming back to this side of myself, pleasing my audience which is me and only me.

--

I am a crazy scorpio boy yet you wouldn’t know that at first because that is part of the mystery. A lot of people I encounter tell me that I don’t look like one or wouldn’t pass as a scorpio, but have they ever thought that maybe deceiving them was part of the trick? A game I am so good at just to get a good sense of everything? Joke’s on you, mate, ‘cause I am meticulously calculating my every move and while at it, also learning every bits of you. Afterwards, I’ll know, I’ll just fucking know if you deserve to be in my life for longer.

--

I’ve also read this somewhere: the secret to living your life is to waste your time doing the things you like. For the month of September, I did like being a baby-sitter, an obedient son, a sporty cousin, a sexy lover, a red-hair cyclist, an ignorant, and even a brat city boy. I can be anyone; I can be all things as long as I really put my mind to it. I can kill you with my eyes, catch feelings and then lie. I can be your deepest fantasies, or maybe forever isolate my ideologies, but I could do it really — waste my time until I die doing the things I like.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 September, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

Do you mind sharing what your camera is? Perhaps a point and shoot but I could be mistaken. Every one of your photographs is utterly magnificent.

In my recent posts, I used Olympus Pen EE2 Half Frame point and shoot film camera. I just had it scanned one by one. Thank you for appreciating my photographs! Have a nice week!

[ejamesquijano]

IT WILL ONLY BE ME IN THE END ANYWAY So let me love myself a little deeper today

on the 8th of august, i dyed my hair red. i haven’t done this in a while. i remember dying my hair for the first time 14 years ago, just a few days after graduating middle school from a strict catholic school, brown blonde it was. then i used to dye my hair during the first few years of uni life. until i got tired of the trick it does and i just stick to my usual dark roots. but today i want to try something new again and so for the first time, i tried red on my hair and i love it very much. anyway, i got nothing to write tbh so let me just list down all of the things that i remember about august, all the reasons why maybe i keep doing life:

1. cinemalaya premiere of our short film, cross my heart and hope to die x appreciating the industry i am in. 2. staycation with wence at our favorite escolta - binondo x food trips and photowalks. 3. playtime and tito duties for my first ever niece, ammileigh (i’m gonna miss this when she’s all grown out) 4. hello again, photobiking, I miss you, my hometown. 5. I am back at reading books and that makes me happy too. 6. wence, oh wence. I am so in love with you even after all these years.

lately i’ve been treating myself a little more for i deserve it. lately i’ve been thinking of more things to keep me happy, to keep me sane. lately i’ve been giving more importance to myself than anyone else and not one reason can make me believe that that is selfish because i truly fucking deserve it. lately i’ve been okay and i don’t know for how long but fuck it, let me just kiss this sunny day cloud nine for now.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 August, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

IT ENDS TODAY I choose to free myself from chaos

Sometime this July, I had a short but meaningful conversation with a psychic friend and he told me something I truly needed to hear, he said that my Karmic year has concluded and that I must live my life a little more freely from now on. He asked me if I had dealt with a lot of heaviness in the past year and I couldn’t agree more because I did. But it’s over now and he’s right on that one too. I love how my life treated me the past month, silent battles were won and I’ve been wearing more smiles lately than a while back.

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I have spent the first 2 weeks of this month still in Taiwan and I think I have mentioned the details of that in my June entry, but I just really want to remember my ecstatic feelings over it. Now I’m back here in the Philippines, back home. Back to my old routine, and appreciating the calmness of it all. I am still carrying the happiness I have regained from that work trip and I think I will stay in this lane for now.

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I am at peace and I am loving every second of it. Sometimes I worry about endings but perhaps I just need to appreciate this little life while the serenity lasts. That is it. I am just here, bracing myself for more light, love, bliss, and even pinches of bleedings ahead because I believe that’s how life creates its balance.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 July, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

LET’S GET OUT SOMEWHERE FAR THIS TIME In search of kindness, purity, and serene happiness

There is this one question that always stuck with me ever since I have read it somewhere: When was the last time you did something for the first time? Such a simple sentence yet the weight of it lingers in me thereafter. Today though, I’ll have an answer to that question, this is also a simple one but certainly one for the books of this dear existence too — Another first time to ever happen in my life was that I lived in a different country for a month.

And it really warms my heart to meet you again, Taiwan.

Since I tell the stories of my life in here and if you’ve been reading them, you would know that I did have a rough start this year and it was just recently that I am slowly bringing myself up from the chaos. But in the middle of 2024, I was offered an opportunity to work overseas and I seized it immediately. I can say now that it was one of the best decisions I have made this year because I never thought that this work trip would save me in more ways than one. I was working, yes, but for lots of reasons this felt like some sort of an escapade.

The Supercut:

Quick stop at Geo’s. Morning rush. Sunny flight. Hello again Taipei. Meeting the Taiwanese team. Stayed at Taoyuan. Life in Aspire Inn. Rm 3107. Ah Mu Ping adventures. Ximen Reservoir. Sesame Hotel’s grandeur. 13 shooting days. 2am Walk. Quick visit at Dihua St. Reverse Shoot calls. Nightly pagpags. Rainy afternoons. 7 Eleven nights. Google Translate. Night out at a Breeze rooftop bar. Midnight snacks at Mcdonald’s. An afternoon photowalk in Taoyuan. Digicam Memories. Fun times with actors and crew. Learning Taiwanese phrases. Appreciating new-found Taiwanese friends in the same field. 2 days in Taipei. Night biking at Chiang Kai-shek Park. Dinner x Booze night with Art Department. One bottle at Revolver. Visited Eslite Bookstore. Golden hour walks at Chiang Kai-shek Park. Foodtrip at Raohe Night Market. Booze night with Camera Department at Jellyfish Bistro and Bar. Picture wrap at Sesame. Afternoon road trip to Taipei. Quick photowalk x biking at Ximending. Visited The Red House x DVD Shop. Passed by Fong Da Coffee. Explored the roads around Ximending. Wrap Party at a KTV room in Partyworld. Sing-along featuring Meteor Garden OST. Bought treats x Xing Fu Tang milk tea at Ximending before calling it a night. Packing my stuff at dawn. 6am ride to the airport. Feeling everything at this point. Lim Giong’s 單純的人 in my playlist. Airport things. Afternoon Manila touchdown. KFC for lunch. Another stop at Geo’s before my bus ride home.

Sometimes my life seems like a blur when I am working, but as I write this and reminisce, I can actually say that I was so fucking happy. This second visit to Taiwan was an escapade indeed, and now it seems like I am coming back to reality. Well, it just feels surreal living somewhere far for a month and doing the job that I love which is making a film. What an experience, truly. And it felt really bittersweet to think that every great thing always ends in goodbyes. But I am happy, I won’t dwell in the blues today ‘cause this memory will always bring me indescribable delight.

That’s a wrap Taiwan. You will always have a special corner in my heart, so I’ll see you again someday.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 June, 2024

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LITTLE BALLS OF SUNSHINE Glowing in my darkest days

I was as steadfast as I needed to be. In a world where I desire the peace and calm, I was one of the less fortunate ones who has to go through the hedge maze of life’s piercing thorns and killer vines. And it is sad to say that I used to be so fragile growing up, but now I was changed. I could be strong when it’s essential for me to be.

The past month was full of anxiety. My last film shoot wasn’t as smooth as I thought it would be and I was not okay on most days. Perhaps the scorching heat of this season put my garden to drought and I felt deserted. And at this age of mine I really do not want to force myself to be resilient when I am not, so I just let it consumed me for a period of time until I finally regained the strength I knew I’ve always had in me. Alas, the flowers bloomed and my foliage are at its greenest in the most perfect time – I was offered another film project to be shot in Taiwan and I couldn’t be more thrilled for that news.

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Before summer ends, we are blessed with an angel here on earth. My little sister gave birth to a little girl she named Ammileigh, and my heart is full that I cannot really describe it. She is the ray of sunshine to our family these days and she always brings out the smiles on our faces. Sometimes I am having out of the body experience at how things are moving swiftly around me but these changes are inevitable just like how now I am officially an uncle, and I’ll also do my best to be a great one. Oh Ammileigh, please know that you are loved deeply the second you took your first breath here on earth.

And oh life, you are so mystical to understand yet here we all are living you despite all of the forest fires we have to face and end, despite all of the empty cups we have to fill, and darkness we sometimes need to romanticize. After a while, I will come back through gravity and just hope that everything else will fall into their right places. But for now, let’s fly and touch the sun.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 May, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR Embracing all of the flames around me

i. the dance of two left feet, i hope it’s okay, i hope you’re not hurt, follow me past midnight, my heart is a maze, my mind is a blur, the dance of two left feet, take a shot and take me away, baby you’re a handsome concept, something i made — an idea of sorts.

ii. april fools, fluctuating tools; yet i am enflamed by my romantic rules. i, again, momentarily lived in manila for a month as i was back at a film set again. this one reminded me about the love and hate relationship i have with this work though, but i’m a fighter, now i’m sure i am. and i am also loving myself even more today so yeah, a shot to the heart won’t hurt that much. manila, oh manila, you’re a killer yet a sweetheart all the same.

iii. in the middle of it all, i still found myself back in my hometown witnessing my sister’s wedding to the man he loves. a warm day for them and for everyone who loves them. soon a baby girl will grace this earth and i am looking forward to that too. i am in dire need of warmth and the good news is that i am calculatingly moving on from the chaos of my life when this year started, still feeling blue at times but i just keep on reminding myself that the flames are at its hottest when they turn blue.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 April, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

THE SUN IS OUT And so am I

Around 2017, a dear friend of mine once told me this: That he thinks I am the kind of person who will still have a little percentage of sadness in me no matter how happy the situations I am in. I was a bit stunned by that statement but I cannot blame him because I think he was right. 7 years later and here I am, still dealing with so much internal bleedings and wars both within and outside my mind. But growing up and growing old, I am proud to say that perhaps something had shifted — today I think it’s the other way around, I really believe that even though I am amidst the pandemonium of my life, I think I still have even the slightest bits of warmth in me, a never-ending fire as I have told before, and it’s still on no matter how small, no matter how cold the night could get.

March was a huge aid in surviving these silent battles, somehow the universe offered so much comfort and I was taking it all in because I deserved it. Firstly, I had my very first shoot of the year – a music video of the band, Lola Amour, and it was so much fun to do. Second, I am really grateful to say that I still get to keep my day job because I fought for it, my department head fought for me too and that was greatly appreciated also. On days when the schedule wasn’t as tight, I still bike around my hometown to feel life, take photographs, and just seize the moments while I’m this young. Third, I also love how I get to meet a lot of my friend circles this month, they are really one of my lifelines to be honest. I also like to thank Wence, the love of my life, for we’re always so happy together creating little paradise in my bedroom every single time he visits. Nothing more, nothing less, I am just really fucking grateful for everything. Happy that slowly, the winter of my life is fleeting and today I am welcoming the summer’s sun.

*** 35mm Fujifilm C200 March, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

SKIPPING TOWNS Point of no return

Ever since I was young, I have this strong urge to just disappear. Not really into oblivion, maybe just to skip town and live somewhere far where no one knows my name. When I was 19, I knew exactly what city I would move into if ever the demons win and I cannot handle my present reality anymore — a decade later and I think I’d still do it if ever that happens.

But today, I can only do so much and my bike, Silver, has been my best friend nowadays. Somehow, I still manage to also find the calm amidst all the chaos of my life with the person I love, and the people I grew up with. That urge to disappear is still there but not strong enough to actually leave to the point of no return. So perhaps the temporary fix for that impulse is to disappear for only a few hours of each day to find myself, and the peace I crave for. Thanks to Silver, for helping me do that.

This February, I often see myself biking in different towns a few miles away from my own. I see myself taking photographs, supporting local stalls, enjoying the last weeks of amihan breeze. And these things make me happy; I am still amazed by the way how life could fuck you up too much yet still give you tons of reasons to actually enjoy it. And surprisingly, despite all of the personal chaos I’m in lately, I am still enjoying this little life I have.

Sometime this month, after a full day of biking and feeling ecstatic about it, I thought of this: Maybe in a few years’ time I’ll be a full grown adult busy with making money but for now, let me just bike around my hometown and savor the remaining times that I’ll be this free.

*** 35mm Fujifilm C200 February, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

I ACCEPT CHAOS ‘Cause I know I will win in the end

Pt. I I’ve always dreamt of having a black cat, and LVNA you were a dream come true. Thus, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life was when I adopted you. It was a great 3 and a half years ever since, my little boi, and you will always be a part of me. I will forever think of you and thank you for saving me during, perhaps, the lowest point of my existence back in 2020; you came into my life when I needed you the most and with that, I am so so grateful for those years that we’re together. I love you so much. I love you forever.  After all, it was a good life and a good fight with you, LVNA. You’ve been a very brave boi. So run free, my love — up in the rainbow bridge to heaven where there is no more pain. We’ll see each other again someday, that I promise you.

Pt. II Amidst every financial, mental, and emotional mess I have been dealing with at the moment, another bullet to the heart has been made: I am a candidate for retrenchment at my day-job and I cannot put it into words anymore. Every punchline was being thrown at my face and I just have to be strong again today.

Pt. III I have lost so much when I started this year. What a cruel January. I miss my cat every day. I was at my wits’ end when I ended this month. I am so confused right now. I am a candle in the wind. And the only saving grace maybe were the times when I escape and try to still see the beauty in little things. God, I want my fire back, I want to break free. I am at that age wherein all I ever want is peace and calm, but somehow chaos always finds its way to me. But I am built different, I believe. I would feel every single sting of pain, walk through fire, might end up half my weight, but I will stand still in the end — because every fucking chaos in my life right now shall pass.

*** 35mm Fujifilm C200 January, 2024

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NEVER ENDING A loop of beautiful chaos

i have conquered quite a few mountains this year, most of them i did not actually choose; it was messy, crazy, and traumatic at times yet it makes me so fucking glad that i have handled them gracefully. i was bent, broken, burnt to the ground and i was still astonished by the fact that i am standing still, seemed undaunted. they made me weaker and stronger at the same time, feeling both wrecked and sacred, yet the most amazing part was i am still fucking undefeated.

despite of it all, i would still look back at 2023 with lots of beautiful “firsts,” those little moments i can honestly say that i was happy. i would not throw away this year in the trash like a crumpled paper full of tainted poems, because to be honest i have tons of memories to look back at, that will remind me that this little life i have is still worth it. perhaps i have finally learned how to count my blessings too, so i believe that i will revisit 2023 in the future as the year with beautiful finished poetries of life written not in paper but through genuine smiles and a full heart — all despite of the chaotic ride i have taken.

now a new year is coming and somehow i am still afraid of what is yet to come, perhaps i am still a little fragile from everything that i have been through this past year and this is valid. but the good news is now I have realized that the mountains are never-ending, so no matter how tedious or pleasing it could be, i believe i just have to be all set for the climb.

*** 35mm Expired Konica Minolta Commercial Color Film 100 December, 2023