elaindeevents

[elaindeevents]

The times has come, and my heart wasn’t ready.

*First let me ask you to forgive me if this runs long or I ramble or  I make any grammatical errors; but it's such a complicated, heartbreaking, and yet baffling topic.*

Over the past 12 years that I've been a mother, I've been transparent and quite open with the trials and tribulations that I've experienced as a single mother. specifically, with trying to find a way to hold “the other parent” accountable, and navigation the emotional burdens that come with that. In a post, I wrote a few years back (which unfortunately is lost) I talked about my experiences with the child support system and the outcome of that venture.

A quick recap of that: He requested a DNA to which he failed to complete on his end twice. Which prompted the state of IL to name him as the legal father, but because he lived in a different state, they couldn’t access his employer/income to garnish. Thus, rewarding me with a whopping $40 a month in child support (it used to be $48) from the state of IL. I was told if I ever found where he lived an address/employer I could reopen the case.

Funny enough shortly after I did find out that info, I tried, but the IL child support process and the system is a joke. I thought to myself am I going to run Sydney through this again so soon? No, I couldn’t so I dropped it. Time moved forward and that moment became a not so distant memory. Until this past Father’s Day.

It was 1am Sunday morning, I was up preparing for my family’s annual Father’s Day hike in a few hours. I just finished washing Sydney’s workout gear and stepped in her room to lay it out for her when she woke up later. To my surprise and concern, she was up already. Sitting in her room in the dark on the edge of her bed. I flipped the light on to ask why only to see her face covered in tears. She was crying, and it seemed like she had been (silently) for a while.  Worried, I asked her what was wrong. Was she hurt? Did she have a nightmare? She stayed silent. I sat next to her and put my arms around her, pulled her close, and told her “Tell mommy what’s wrong, it's ok” and then she broke. Sobbing louder, clutching to me, she couldn’t get the words out. I held her tighter and told her “Let mommy help you, sweetheart, why are you sad?” Still not able to talk I took some guesses aloud to try to find out what could be bothering her. after a few missing I said, “Is this about Father’s Day?” she nodded yes and began sobbing even harder.

THAT day was here.

After I calmed her down a bit, I got her to explain what specifically was bothering her. She went on through tears to tell me how to hurt, angry, and confused she was. “Am I not enough mommy? Am I not good enough to love mommy” “Why didn’t he want me?” and then it hit her that she remembered that she has a sibling. “she’d overheard me talking about this with someone in the past” “I remember you telling someone that I have a sister that he sees, right mommy? Man, kids’ memories are long, I’ve never told her this outright because it would have piled on to the pain. I couldn’t lie to her, so I didn’t but damn a lie felt right in the moment. I watched the light further dim in her eyes as realization after realization beat her down. I choked back tears as I searched for the right things to say. I know this pain all too well. I share her story.

I met my bio father once in my life when I was 12, he told me about the other two brothers that I had and made promises that he knew he’d never keep. It took years for me to overcome that pain. And here my baby girl was going through the very thing I did. “I am alone mommy, nobody relates to me, my friends have their father, even you have paw paw.”  So, I told her my story, how even though I had her paw paw the hole was still there. I told her so many others could relate and gave her examples that even those with seemingly present fathers could relate to her. I told her how I fought for her, how you can’t make someone care, and open up their hearts no matter how much grace and understanding you extend. I told her that every decision we make good and bad, they all have consequences. And that he would have to face the consequences of his decision. That a day of reckoning would come to him just as it does for all. We talked for hours, I listened to her pour her heartbreak out, her pain and anguish. I told her that although it’s not an easy road to travel, I would get her through it and be by her side every step of the way.

So why am I sharing this? Because it’s been weighing so heavy on my heart. All this week I’ve ranged from confusion to rage, and to sadness. One moment I have the urge to call him out publicly for the pain he’s caused. “We went to elementary school together. I know we have mutual FB friends who would see despite me being blocked by him.” To confusion; how do you choose one child over another, choose to be actively absent,  while at the same time praising men in your life for stepping up and filling the void you had in your very own life?  To rage; the urge to break his jaw if I ever see him again.

It’s tough! I knew this moment would come. That Sydney would have questions and pain and heartache to endure. I thought I was ready to handle it. Mentally I was but my heart… my heart wasn’t ready. I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for that type of heartbreak. That level of pain just doesn’t go away with the promise of buying cosplay outfits and robuxs for roblox. The pain just doesn’t stop here either, what happens when she wants to seek him out? The pain that could potentially come with that and his response or lack thereof? That time is fast approaching…will I be ready for it? I can’t say. But what I do know is that my shoulders and heart are strong enough to carry Sydney’s burdens, her heartbreak, and her pain. No matter what may come I’m always going to be her shield and sword.