elias-hickes

[elias-hickes]

[elias-hickes]

blood dreams

there is a disease growing inside me

i imagine it in the dark

i turn over

is it pink and thick

throbbing and grotesque

pulling faces at the walls of my skin

scrutinising each crevice in my muscle

and creek in my bones

does it breathe in and out

ballooning

clear and sticky

quivering with the joy of creation

creeping into the rest of me

reaching with perverted fingers

nails uncut

is it frightened

clinging to what it can reach

unaware i can feel it grasping

scrabbling for a hold on anything

we’re both scrabbling

i fell for the first time

stumbled and crashed

more of a crumple really

i fell again yesterday

wet into the sand

and

the oceans not enough for the tide

so

she crawls forward with me

we’re both ambitious

so she helps me along

i sink a little deeper

maybe this is okay

[elias-hickes]

the god-damn particle (for zak)

and when i reach behind me

the space hums

that empty matter

that’s heavier than god

which does not submit to reason

this concept of impossibility

i think they call it love

[elias-hickes]

[elias-hickes]

i have become a thing

a ribless creature

i am just glad i don’t have a sister

i wouldn’t want her to have to grow

with the chance of turning into me

i thought moving away would make me better

but i’m so much worse

why did i move to the sea if i can’t swim in it

i don’t even drink the water

i want to go home

[elias-hickes]

the mayfair came but i don’t live at home anymore.

my little brother looks just like me //

he’s six years younger //

his eyes are stuck between brown and green //

he told me once he wished i wasn’t his sister //

he cries when he sees me crying //

our dad once walked in on us like that //

holding each other in tears //

only one of us even knowing why //

i told him it wasn’t my fault that i was his sister but i’d change it if i could //

whenever he fights with our parents i go into his room after //

we sit in silence across the bed from each other //

sometimes he will come and crawl into my arms //

until he feels okay //

every year the may fair comes //

it stays for three days //

then goes //

i don’t live at home anymore so //

i told him to go on the waltzers for me //

he did //.

[elias-hickes]

12-31-2022, 9 AM

[elias-hickes]

Willem de Kooning

[elias-hickes]

and i hope that sometimes you look at the sky at the same time i do

i hope that you know i never knew i’d be the one to leave until i did

because i didn’t know either

how could i have ever known ?

“someone has to leave first. this is a very old story. there is no other version of this story.”

the best part is i wouldn’t know what to say to you anymore

we were always going to have to grow up eventually

i close my eyes and we’re thirteen again

nothing bad has happened to us

and everything is about to get worse

i didn’t realise when i stopped drinking from you

that i’d start to drown in air

that i wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

[elias-hickes]

i have become a thing

a ribless creature

i am just glad i don’t have a sister

i wouldn’t want her to have to grow

with the chance of turning into me

i thought moving away would make me better

but i’m so much worse

why did i move to the sea if i can’t swim in it

i don’t even drink the water

i want to go home

i close my eyes and we’re thirteen again

nothing bad has happened to us

and everything is about to get worse

i didn’t realise when i stopped drinking from you

that i’d start to drown in air

that i wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

[elias-hickes]

i close my eyes and we’re thirteen again

nothing bad has happened to us

and everything is about to get worse

i didn’t realise when i stopped drinking from you

that i’d start to drown in air

that i wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this

it never should have been like this