ellablackthorn - Tumblr blog

[ellablackthorn]

thinking of ending it because i'm bored

not even because i'm sad. i already know what it's like. this time is different.

as a girl who recovered from her depression a couple of years ago due to medication, i think my suicidal tendencies is back and it just evolved into a new monster: boredom.

when i was sad, i cried a lot because i was in turmoil with my emotions. i was in conflict with certain figures in my life, so there was an actual problem that i know that's causing me to feel that way. and when there's a problem, there's a solution. it was solved.

this time, however, what can possibly solve my boredom?

is this really only what life has to offer? is this it? there is no sadness in me and there is no joy in me. don't get me wrong tho, i feel sad and i feel joy and i have fun, but nothing ever penetrates the soul.

they all leave a couple of hours later and i'm back to my boredom, baby.

how eternally boring is life, and i'd rather not see the whole of it. i want to end it. maybe ending it is the only solution, because by then i wont have to constantly, constantly search and be anxious over things and decisions i have to make just to have that little taste of fun.

i don't feel anything. i'm just bored and i fear that if i continue living, i might have to just be bored for the rest of my life.

[ellablackthorn]

extreme existential crisis

Growing up, it always felt like I was not of this world. I look at the skies and see a ghost image of a home I've never been to, or maybe I have, perhaps I got lost in a galactic mess as a baby, and now I'm unfortunately here.

As a kid I knew my heart was elsewhere. I couldn't tell whether it was a delusion I tried to convince myself to believe in for the sole purpose of mentally escaping a home where I am not loved.

In my dreams, I see my soul float out of my body, and I hear whispers of "come home, child". And I'd wake up weeping over a longing feeling I couldn't describe with words that are known to men.

There are days it feels like I'm wearing someone else's skin. Perhaps the reason why I've always hated the body that I was born in is because it makes me feel like a stranger in disguise.

But am I not a stranger in disguise? I often find myself staring at the mirror, baffled completely for I don't, one bit, recognize the person in front of me.

I feel trapped in an identity that I don't identify with. A name that I don't think I own. In my delusion, I was called "Luna Jessamine" and I live in the moon.

I want to have full control of who I truly am, but I haven't met who-I-truly-am yet.

I am not of this world.

[ellablackthorn]

Woman Enough

You know why I ran, and to this day you carry that knowledge as a burden. You want to erase the 'why'. You want to undo things. But time machines don't exist, so you remain stuck in a present you don't want to be in. A present where I'm a stranger to you. A present where there is an absence of me. You can't change the 'why' because it wasn't caused by you. It was I who changed my mind. It was I who calculated the gap between our individual experiences. It was I who felt like I wasn't a woman enough in front of a man like yourself. I ran because I wanted to chase after my maturity. I wanted to go somewhere else. I hated living under your glory. I hated flashing off your gold. You could've given me everything. I would've been proud of you every step of the way, but it all seemed like a fairytale.

And I wanted to live in the real world.

And in this world, the "us" is but a memory that we will outgrow someday.

[ellablackthorn]

He was the one.

I was on the brink of losing myself when you found me.

I was walking, waking, living without a direction until you led the way.

You loved me when I was unlovable.

You adored me when I was ashamed of myself.

You worshipped me like a master when I was a slave of my incompetence and irrelevance.

You gave me life when I wanted to choke myself, kill myself.

I was ungodly, but I prayed for you.

I wanted to stay under your saintly warmth, and god knows I hesitated for so long.

But you were not the light, mon chéri, you were the end of the tunnel.

I am no longer in that tunnel.

We no longer share the same journey.

But I will remember you,

and remembering you comes with warmth and joy. Always.

You were the one until you're not anymore.

P.S.

In 2016, I was yours even though I said I wasn't.

[ellablackthorn]

Silence is never just 'silence' with you.

Island boy,

there are days your laughter

echoes inside my head.

There are days I think about

running away with you.

There are days I wish I didn't let you go.

In those days, I miss you.

I miss your calmness,

I miss the kind of silence we shared.

I miss the peace I found in you,

I miss the chaos of your heartbeat

in between my ear

when I'm locked in your embrace.

Sometimes, I reimagine the day

you asked for my hand,

reimagine your graduation gift,

reimagine what life could've been if I chose you:

In our island,

wearing our matching bedtime outfit

that your mom bought in Singapore.

Ring. Committed. Trapped.

My youth gone forever.

And that paradise would be my prison.

[ellablackthorn]

13 again.

It's almost seven years since the last time I saw you, felt you.

Tangible, warm, real, you.

Now I only see you in screens .

Flat, still, copy of you.

I'm running out of things to write about you, about us.

So, what more can I say?

As I get older, I tend to forget our quick and shallow moments back when we were thirteen.

I thought the memories would last forever, but they're starting to fade away.

I can't even tell which one is real and which one is just a product of my imagination.

I have loved you for so long despite your absence.

Am I just stuck? I feel stuck.

Sometimes when I zone out, I wake up in 2013, with you and your hands on my hair.

I wake up in our high school, staring at your back during class hours, wishing you'd look back at me, smile at me. You never did.

I wake up in front of the mirror, with my first makeup stuff, trying to look pretty, ready to see you at school. But you were no longer there.

I wake up inside the girl's comfort room, crying my heart out, missing you so much.

I wake up after a beautiful dream where you stayed, fell in love, with me.

And then, I zone back in reality.

I was only daydreaming.

But it felt so real.

You felt so real.

Am I capable of moving on?

A, you make me feel so young,

so weak,

so vulnerable,

so in love with you.