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Update.

I'm discontinuing my posts on Tumblr. I've reverted back to blogger...And will be working to update my website. The link will be posted below. I'm also meeting with my LOR tomorrow, so I would appreciate prayers that all goes well. Bezrat Hashem, one day in the near future, I won't be Eliana Hadassah bas Noach Aveinu. I'll be Eliana Hadassah bas Sarah Imeinu. www.elianahadassah.blogspot.com

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And I didn't see it...

בס"ד

This post isn’t a d'var Torah or some deep thought. This is me, being real. I think a question I have asked myself for a long time now is what I want in a shidduch. For so many years, I dreamed of having this perfect chassidish/yeshivaish family. However, the more I progress on this journey, the more I realize that what I really wanted was not some major Torah scholar, a Rabbi, or even the guy who has it all figured out. No. What I have always wanted was right there in front of me all along, and I didn’t see it.

I want the guy who stays up until 2 am helping me prepare for an exam even though he has class in the morning because he knows how much it means to me. I want the guy who calls me until I answer because I forgot to text him that I made it safely. I want the guy who has an open door policy that I feel comfortable talking to about anything. I want the guy who will wake me up in the morning with a cup of coffee in hand saying, “I made this for you.”

I want the guy who I can count on to be there when things aren’t easy. I want the guy who knows exactly how to cheer me up when I am down. I want the guy who makes me feel comfortable. I want the guy who tells me that I’m beautiful even when I’m a hot mess.

I want the guy who is so selfless that he just wants me to be happy. I want the guy who understands this ongoing emotional pain that I have from my best friend dying and my parents getting divorced within a matter of months. I want the guy who is there even when I don’t want to talk about it. I want the guy who doesn’t pressure me into doing what I don’t want to do.

I want the guy who encourages me to be myself and no one else. I want the guy who supports my dreams and ambitions. I want the guy who makes me laugh. I want the guy who is kind.

I want the guy who knows how to dream. I want the guy who is happy whether if we’re traveling across the world or if we’re just sitting at home watching the twinkling fireflies in the trees. I want the guy who appreciates counting the stars, dancing to an old song playing on an antique victrola, and getting caught together in the rain.

I want the guy who, like Jessie Tuck, looks deep into my eyes and says, “I’m never going to let you go…and I will love you until the day I die.” I want the guy who appreciates living life to the fullest and never takes a single second for granted.

I want the guy who likes to get dressed up and go to the theatre. I want the guy who enjoys magic shows and other things that some might consider a thing of the past. I want the guy who likes to stay home and watch a late night movie in our PJs snuggled up in each other’s arms.

I want the guy who’s honest, and never tells me a lie. I want the guy who I can trust with all of my secrets. I want the guy who’s fair and just—that tries to do what’s right even when it isn’t easy. I want the guy who is kind and never meets a stranger. I want the guy who is genuine and never pretends to be someone that he is not.

I want the guy who is willing to admit that he doesn’t have all of the answers. I want the guy who is willing to work through hard problems together. I want the guy who doesn’t throw in the towel the minute something becomes difficult or seems nearly impossible.

I want the guy who isn’t a musician, but still never fails to sing Eiches Chayil to me every Friday night. I want the guy who comes up behind me when I’m meditating or composing some new lyrics, wraps his arms around my neck, and whispers in my ear, “You know how much I love you?”

I want that guy who opens the door for me and pulls out the chair from the table for me when we’re out in public. I want the guy who thinks chivalry is a virtue rather than a tortuous pain that ought to be extinct. I want that shining knight in armor who can sweep me off of my feet.

I want the guy who aspires to see the world. I want the guy who loves learning about languages, cultures, and trying new things. I want the guy who is happy if none of this ever happens. I want the guy who is just happy as long as I am there by his side.

I want the guy who will one day be a great father. I want the guy who is not afraid of a few snotty noses, hide and go seek, or reading a book at night. I want the guy who worries because he’s not sure if he’s going to mess up.

I want the guy that I can come home to with after a long day at work and be happy to see. I want a guy who knows how to leave his work at the office. I want the guy who occasionally surprises me with dinner on the table. I want the guy who isn’t afraid to pitch in with the housework.

I want the guy whom I think about and smile. I want the guy who is my best friend. I want the guy who is dependable. I want the guy who is all of this and so much more. I want the guy who was always there, and perhaps, I just didn’t see it…

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I've learned that love isn't some mushy feeling that makes you melt inside. Love is messy. Love is knowing that a person is not perfect and still wanting to be with them anyways.

Life

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Am I a Jew?

בס"ד It's a quiet, cool night at the hospital. When work is slow, it often leads me alone with my thoughts. The question that has been on my mind lately is, "Am I a Jew?" As an aspiring convert, I often use the excuse that I am not Jewish yet to get away with not keeping a certain part of halacha because of difficult circumstances. Yet, when goyim ask me what I am, I always respond, "I'm Jewish." Despite this, there is a real question. That is, "Am I a Jew?" I was not born to a Jewish mother. I didn't know what a synagogue was until I was in Jr. High. I knew nothing of Torah or mitzvot until I was 20. Yet again, I ask, "Am I a Jew?" While many of my Orthodox friends are quick to point out that I am not, I like to think if I could ask the sages, they would disagree. In many of their writings, they argue that the convert was always a Jew. A very famous passage of the Talmud says that the souls of the gerim were at Mt. Sinai when Hashem gave the Torah to the Jewish people. On the other hand, some people may question of my soul is really Jewish. How do I know? I am only human. Who am I to know what Gd wants for my life? Who am I to say that The Holy One, blessed is He, is wrong for having made me a gentile? For surely the person who is careful to keep the laws of Noah is spiritually equivalent to the Cohen Gadol! Yet, I feel compelled that I must be a Jew. The Rabbis said that a person who knows that his life purpose is to be a Jew and delays doing so, is commiting a major sin. I've wondered why this is. Some part of me thinks that maybe they said this because the person who is to convert was, is, and always has been Jewish, and that by not pursuing Torah and mitzvot, he or she is commiting a sin through negligence. In fact, you could almost compare it to someone who is Jewish but due to unfortunate circumstances, was raised in a household where he or she was unaware that he or she was Jewish. Thus, upon making the discovery that one's life purpose is to be a Jew, pursuing Torah becomes an obligation rather than a passive interest. I'm sure many people would critique me on such a bold topic. I acknowledge that I am not halachically Jewish and cannot be held responsible for violations beyond the universal laws in the eyes of man. However, I do not hold or judge myself by the standards of man. I hold myself to the standards that The Holy One, blessed is he, has set for me. Those goals are to be greater and to reach higher—to better myself and to better His world. Again, I ask, "Am I a Jew?" What makes a person a Jew? Is it one's mother or father? Is it the way one dresses or acts? Is it how often one attends a synagogue or davens? No. Although Jewishness is passed through the mother, one's mother does not make him or her a Jew. Furthermore, although Hashem expects us to be modest and kind, that in itself does not make one a Jew. In addition, although we have an obligation to pray, that in itself does not make one a Jew. What makes a Jew a Jew is Torah. Before Sinai, WE were nothing but one of the nations. Until Gd gave us the Torah, Jews or Judaism did not exist. We were just a people keeping the mitzvot in which we were obligated—6 negative mitzvot, 1 positive. The children of Avraham were obligated in an 8th mitzvah of circumcision. What unites us all what the Torah. It was the most monumentous event in all of history. Thousands of people witnessed Gd speak. No other religion in history can claim that it started with such a multitude of witnesses. Very few people today deny that it happened. As Pesach and Shavuot approach over the next couple of months, we will recall these events. To answer my question, "Am I a Jew?" I will say, "Yes, I am." My soul was there at Sinai when the Torah was given. I know that I am supposed to be a Jew. I'm also pretty sure that the sages would agree with such a sentiment. —Dassah

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Update

Over a month ago, I dropped out of school to pursue conversion. This has not been as easy as I thought it would be. I've been trying to find a job, and I have not had any success. I do believe h' has a reason for everything. Perhaps the reason was so that I can take this trip in 9 days. When one door closes, another door opens. I'll post more details about that trip next week. In the meantime, just know I haven't abandoned this blog.

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But how can you say, “It was only talk, so no harm was done?” Were this true, then your prayers, and your words of kindness, would be a waste of breath.

Rebbe Nachman of Bratslav (via yidquotes)

I love Rebbe Nachman. However, I can't stop laughing because I’m trying to figure out how/why autocorrect would change Breslov to bratslav.

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But how can you say, “It was only talk, so no harm was done?” Were this true, then your prayers, and your words of kindness, would be a waste of breath.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov (via yidquotes)

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Quoted of the day

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I pray.

I promise guys; I’m not down in the dumps. I just tend to write strong poetry. I finally edited one I wrote this spring…and with this, I’m calling it a night.

“I pray”

Sometimes I just need to get away Deep in the forest I find a secret hiding place Place where worries just seem to cease In this place I have no problems; It’s just my creator and me.

Chorus: And I pray. I pray. And I scream. I scream. And I shout. I shout. But only in the quiet stillness Can HaShem’s voice be found.

Sometimes I just need to run away But I’m in a room full of people Overcrowded, I leave the scene Walk down to the back row of a synagogue And I take a seat.

Well today I was at a hospital A patient passed too young For many hours at her bedside I clung; Just hoping for a miracle, Yet no miracle was to come.

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Depression: A poem

Everyday is a new struggle—A new fight. I’ve faced this demon before and still can’t stand upright; It beats me down; Tells me I’m worthless until I breakdown. For in that moment I believe it to be true And all joy disappears and I’m suddenly blue. Many a night I have cried and prayed, “Oh dear L-rd, please just take it away.” The feelings of sadness and gloom, The hopelessness that says I’m doomed. Many people see me and say everything is fine; Yet if one was to look deeper they would see the scars inside. The scars inside that haunt me The scars inside that taunt me In the dark of the night They take their flight Bringing old memories and painful feelings into light. All I long for is to be free To be free of the shackles that hold me But no one takes the time to notice little ol' me. ***Written in honor of all of those who struggle with depression.***

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When things don't go your way, it's not a punishment; it's a wake up call.

EHBNA

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Though there are no mandatory ritual meals for Hanukkah, special foods are strongly associated with the holiday according to various traditions. Fried foods figure in a big way: latkes made of potato, cheese, and vegetable figure in various Ashkenazic communities. Among Jews of Iberian descent, birmuelos, fried dough dipped in honey or sugar, are the favorites. An Israeli variation, fried jelly doughnuts called sufganiyot, have taken the Jewish world by storm. In some communities dairy foods are associated with Hanukkah. This is through an association with the story of Judith, who fed cheese and wine to Holofernes before she decapitated him. In the midrashic literature, the stories of Judith and the Hasmoneans became somehow intertwined, though there is no actual connection between the two.

Scott-Martin Kosofsky (via yidquotes)

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Why not be a Noahide? Reason #1 You pretty much have to be a vegetarian/vegan. The only other option is to kill the animal yourself. Kosher meat, although 100% acceptable for Jews, has problems for B'nai Noach. Gentiles are not allowed to take meat immediately after the first cut. They have to wait a few minutes after and ensure that the animal is dead. Jews have the leniancy to be able to take the meat right after the animals carotids, jugulars, and windpipe has been cut.

New things I learn every day.

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Jews and Noahidim: many nations, different mitzvot, totally connected

This shabbos I want to talk about what it means to be a Noahide and about this special connection we have to the Jewish people. When I say Noahidim or Noahides, I don't mean everyone in the whole world. The term itself can refer to anyone who is of descent of Noah, which means everyone including Jews. However, in this context I will use it to refer to those non-Jews who are very stringent and careful to observe every detail of the 7 laws of Noah. We are numerous goyim, or nations, that are united by one set of moral laws. We believe in the Torah, both written and Oral. If you've ever spoken to an Orthodox Rabbi about conversion, you know that they are quick to mention the laws of Noah and to send you away. While this is often part of the three times to test your dedication, I always wondered why send a person away. Why not teach them the laws of Noah? Some rabbis say that to be a Noahide that you don't have to be near or have access to a Jewish community. I disagree. The Jews are commanded to be a light unto the nations. Who are the nations? We are! How can you be a light unto the nations if the nations are far away? When we have halachic issues, who will answer our questions? Who will teach our children Torah? You see, we are just as much a part of our Jewish communities as the Jews who live there. The only difference is that we're not Jewish. Even in the Torah we see evidence of the nations and Jews being connected. The Temple Hamikdash had a whole entire court for the nations. Jews offer sacrifices on behalf of the nations during the high holidays. The Torah numerously mentions, "And the stranger within your gates...." Why then, do we act as if we are two separate entities? We are not two different religions. We are just several peoples. We all have different mitzvot to keep. Some have more, some have less. A Noahide does not have as many mitzvot as a Jew. An average Jew does not have as many mitzvot as a Levite. A Levite doesn't have as many mitzvot as a Kohen. Yet, Levites, kohanim, and the rest of Yisroel are all part of the community. To my Jewish readers, my point is that we are a part of your community. It is time that you realize that. We depend on the Rabbi just as much as you do. Don't try to send us away. Let's learn together. You can teach us, and in return, we can help you. We're that neighbor who is more than happy to be your shabbos goy. We know how important shabbos is...and we don't need a lot of hints to figure out what needs fixing. When you need a stick of margarine, just ask. Collecting tzedakah money? Ask. We're here for you guys for the long haul. All I ask is that you be here for us. Be a light unto the nations...it's a mitzvah!

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Good things

I've been taking a break from writing since I have quit nursing school. It's really hard to rediscover my life purpose. I got my car back, and tomorrow I'm going to put my makeup on, curl my hair, wear some shabbos clothes, and try to re-enter the workforce. If I am lucky, I will nail an interview. I'm finally at the point in my life where I have no excuses for not pursuing conversion. Gd willing, I will have a job in a few weeks, and I will be saving to move out. It's very exciting. I can finally be myself. Maybe I'm nuts, but I don't know why I didn't think of this before! Lots of good things in store. Lots of Love guys, Dassah

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Am I you? Are you not I? We're all one.

Now with my foodies out of the way, down to business. Today’s topic is labels. Labels can be a good thing. They can help us to identify and relate to people. We can belong in certain groups and feel a stronger bond to those people by association with those groups. However, what happens when labels divide? This is what I wish to discuss.

When I first got into Judaism, there were a lot of subgroups. You had the reform, the reconstructionist, the conservative, and the Orthodox. Each one of these had their subcategories. Some were culturally Jewish, reformative, conservadox, modern Orthodox, Traditional, Modern Orthodox Machmir, Yeshivaish, Plain Orthodox, Chassidish (let’s not even go into the numerous dynasties), and so many others. The thought of so many groups still makes my head spin. How is a person supposed to find where he or she belongs? Along this journey, I had to find my place. Although I identify as Orthodox, I only say so this is the term used interchangeably for a person who is 1.) Religious and 2.) Jewish. That’s why labels can be good. I can sum my beliefs in one short sentence. However, I have come to find out that labels often divide the Jewish people. Yet, we are one people.

Moshe rabbienu gave one Torah at Mount Sinai. That one moment in time is what unites us all…even the modern B'nai Noah movement. I’ll go ahead and include Noahide because if the Jewish people hadn’t preserved the Torah, we wouldn’t be here either. I’ll save the mitzvah of being the light of the nations for my next post.

Getting back in topic, these subgroups tend to stay to themselves. The non-religious groups make fun of the religious and say that the religious people are judgemental and cruel. The religious people are either interested in making ba'alei teshuva or in some cases, refusing to associate with a person because he or she is not as religious as they are.

Yet, we are one people. Why can’t we act like it? Why must we point fingers and point out each other’s flaws? It doesn’t matter if someone keeps more or less mitzvot than you. There is only one Torah. Just a few weeks ago, we read the story of how Avraham aveinu greeted the strangers even though he was unwell. It was from that parsha that the rabbis concluded that it is a mitzvah to be kind to everyone.

This mitzvah is a challenge. It is within our nature to act differently toward people who are different from us. Yet, I think the entire Jewish nation should learn from Avraham aveinu. The strangers he was greetings were malachim, angels. Yet, he treated them no different than he would his own.

This is how we are to be. We are to be kind to one another. We should support each other. Mitzvot are not easy. If they were, I certainly wouldn’t be posting on Shabbat on all days. However, we should continuously encourage each other in our pursuit of coming closer to our Creator. Only when we truly begin to love one another, and only then, will we become completely unified as one people once again.

So here’s my challenge to you. If you’re religious, invite someone not religious that you’re really not familiar with over for shabbos dinner. If you’re not religious, I would say vice versa, but kashrus kind of gets in a way. So in such case, find a way to help someone religious. Maybe you can visit someone religious in the hospital who may not get so many visitors on shabbos because the hospital is too far to walk. The whole point is that we should be kind and work with each other.

One more point before I go. The rabbis say that baseless hatred is what caused the destruction of the 2nd temple. It is the reason we are still in exile. Yet, what bothers me the most, is that we have still yet to learn the lesson. That’s why I’m writing this post. Maybe it will wake some people up or aspire them to do something so small, yet powerful. I personally believe when the Jewish people begin to drop their labels and become just Jews, we will usher in moshiach.

שבת שלום!

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Challah, cinnamon rolls (with pareve cream cheese frosting, not pictured), and mini autumn Shepard's pies.