ellielapaz

[ellielapaz]

[ellielapaz]

Are we even HUMAN ?

Honestly, with all the bad news and all the wrong doings that is going on in this world I kinda started questioning if some of us are even human. Have we forgotten kindness, morals, faith, fairness and God. Have we been brainwashed by media and people that are just toxic to the soul. Humanity hasn't always been this bad but I feel most of us have just been exposed to many heartbreaking ordeals. Maybe if we are exposed to more good then bad this could or would be different. I know we are living in a world where things are changing but don't forget to help one another. We all bleed if cut. This is why I wish to believe that humanity isn't lost just miss guided. 

I'm not the only one who thinks this way or maybe I am. However, I vow that I will start living righteously and faithfully. I always said to myself I'm broken but not defeated. 

[ellielapaz]

[ellielapaz]

The Ocean Diaries

So I gave up my fins to turn into foam. I also left the ocean behind just so I can regret it later. I left a place so comfortable to burn on the sand. I guess at the end of the day Sebastian was right, under the sea is better.

[ellielapaz]

Happiness starts with a honest smile. 😊💕

[ellielapaz]

[ellielapaz]

The Ocean Diaries

Even though I left the ocean behind the waves of what once was keep calling out to me. I think I'm starting to miss it since escaping to hard ground isn't as wonderful as I imagined it to be. 

Escaping doesn't mean you're automatically free.

[ellielapaz]

The Ocean Diaries

I left the comfort of my ocean so I can get my legs but its clear as day that if things don't change I got my legs in vain.

As I realize in the position I put myself in I guess it wasn't time to leave the ocean behind.

[ellielapaz]

[ellielapaz]

How can one smile hide so many secrets, not reveal any type of emotions, hold onto memories that in the mist of it all holds clues to someday being happy?

[ellielapaz]

Dear Diary, Closed Chapter - 12/18/13

                   " When one door closes, another one opens."

I really wanted him more then he could ever know. 

He was my soulmate, at least in my mind he was. 

I gave it my all for us. 

And paid a big price for it. 

Lost part of myself.

Its safe to say he's the worst. 

Instead of letting go, he stayed.

Instead of ending it, he lead me on.

So I fell deeper and deeper in LOVE. 

He wasn't in lockdown so he didn't have to pretend to love me. 

He was free to begin with. 

Sweet lies came out his mouth. 

So I stayed. 

At the end he left.

Stupidly I waited ... 

In Love and Broken.

But now I decided not to wait. 

So I left.

However, When one door closes; another one opens. 

Yes, I'm Broken but not Defeated. 

Yet, I don't hate him. 

Because he was just a lesson learned

Even though I wanted him,

I DON'T NEED HIM. 

[ellielapaz]

Dear Diary, Even when you win, You lose. 101113

Ever since I was little no one ever had my back or supported me or even try to defend me. Yet I was always the one to stand up for people will to get in trouble for something I didn't even do. 

But what worse is when my own mother doesn't back me up.

Even though my mother loves me and cares for me she doesn't defend me. Not now not when I was a kid. Never stood up for me or even tried to grow the balls and put people in there place. 

For me it would be nice to have someone defend me but I learned to fend for myself. 

And now that I think about maybe that's also key to why I feel so lost sad and bitter. Reminiscing on a disappointing childhood can make you not lose faith in yourself but also humankind.

I slowly lost hope in people. Human kind is disgusting and sad. An if the world was to end tomorrow I wouldn't even care because people tend to do more harm than good.

Human kind are designed to destroy everything they touch with the excuse that they'll make it better, faster stronger yet fail to make reliable lasting and efficient.

Humans worry more about the color of your skin then the value of your heart. You can be a great person and still be considered scum. 

It's sad to see how people value one another.  People want respect and don't earn it. 

We are taught in school violence is never the answer yet we go to war and fight for "RIGHTS" that we don't even have.  Humans just contradict themselves in everything we do or say.

So even when you win you lose................ 

[ellielapaz]

[ellielapaz]

Dear Diary, - Clothes Encounter Revelation 8/30/13

So today while cleaning my house and also doing some YouTube channel surfing I stumble upon one of my favorite YouTuber @ClothesEncounters with Jenn. As I was looking through her videos I found her 'Get to know me or About me' video which I haven't seen since I'm so pre-occupied checking out her outfits but anyways while she was answering her questions there was one question that really stuck with me throughout this whole day. 'What's your favorite quote?' To this question she answered

"That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone having a good fucking laugh." - Chuck Palahniuk 

She when on to say that when she saw that quote it shifted her crappy mental state and sparked up some type of determination for what she wanted to do to make herself happy.

Which I totally understand since my labyrinth of a mind is stuck on feeling like a piece of shit mode. But hearing her say that she was in a crappy state of mind once was weirdly comforting. It made me feel like there's was someone out there that had the same thoughts that I did and managed to find a way out of their own mental labyrinth. Giving me a little bit of hope.

So my revelation happened while wiping down my bathroom floor after watching Jenn. I came to the conclusion that I haven't done anything in the past years that makes me happy. I know it pointing out the obvious but it hit me I'm not happy with myself an its all because I stopped trying to make myself happy. I just gave up. 

I fell so deep into my depression that it's become a real obstacle to get out of. I just hope that with time I'll actually find whatever is missing and boost up my confidence and find a motive to better myself. 

SIDE NOTE - Even though you will probably never see thanks to Jenn clothesencounters for posting up that video and the great intervention that brought me to it because it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

[ellielapaz]

Dear Diary, : Escaping the Labyrinth 8/16/13

Three years ago for some reason I felt like I lost myself.

I was overcome with depression, angry and sadness.

As a result I slowly became less and less aware of who I was and what I wanted.

My mind was officially lost in a complex labyrinth. 

I created this labyrinth.

Made by my insecurities, fears and depression. 

I wish I could escape from my own mind and actually live but at this moment its pretty hard. 

That why starting today I will keep this as my public diary share my thoughts my insecurities, my fears but also my hope and dreams. 

Hence the name 'Escaping The Labyrinth'.