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Reminding myself: Demos don't have to be perfect. Demos don't have to be good. They dont have to be on beat even. I'm paying people to make my Demos into finished products. Idk why I thought I needed to have perfect Demos to send to artists who will be recording for me but I don't!!

The guitarist asked for stems of my tracks and im nervous becauee I play badly on them. But like. The point of me hiring them is I'm not perfect at playing. If anything they hear what I'm going for and can build off it.

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I'm glad I have this relatively anonymous tumblr to be unhinged about my hopes and dreams.

I have good news at 31 I'm still in the running to be the youngest to EGOT and also the fastest to EGOT I just have to get my Grammy literally next year so I gotta hurry up and finish the album. I gotta go look at the Grammy categories and see what I might be able to swing.

I mean technically I have 8 years because no one's EGOT'd before 39. It's just less than 7 years is a lofty goal for someone who hasn't finished the musical yet. Maybe I'll be happy if I beat the average which seems to be like 55 or 60 based on how many 70 year olds there are. Elton was 76!! I can beat Elton.

It would be nice... I showed my piano teacher my opus. He seemed really proud of me. I'm glad to have him. He composes too! godnkign

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Goodbye Car

I said good bye to my car. For good. I... I'm so stressed right now but only because it's just registering to me what a huge decision this was and how I am on the other side of a big no-takesies-backsies with my most expensive asset. It will get easier but for now it's stressful to think about how I will not be able to just hop into a car and drive where ever I want. I lost my favorite place to sing. I need to get more comfortable singing in my house.

I have a lot of work left to do to cut myself off the car expenses but i'm just going to take this evening for myself and remember why im doing this. I'm doing this for the album that will be underway by the end of AUGUST. I'm doing this for my music which I love with all my soul and heals me. I'm doing this to remain and feel stronger and closer to the community I'm building here in Chicago. I am doing this to remove a mental and financial burden that I feel by driving 2 hours to and from work. I am doing this to care for myself and put my priorities first.

Something cool I just remembered if I really need to practice projection with singing and I'm embaraassssed there is a music studio down the street with practice rooms. :o I could absolutely rent studio space monthly for shows and prep time. Looks like lockout rooms are 335 a month or I could just test out the studio spaces for 20 an hour which is probably what I'll do. because haha what why is it so much more? Unless I'd be going there to practice every day which I will never have the dedication or energy to do that haha. I think I'll just start booking time there on weekends. I fear they all have drum kits so I will have to avoid the temptation of the cruelest mistress, learning the drums.

I'm going to be ok. I am going to be ok. We do not need cars...

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Zine Feature???

"Here is who they are and why you should care"

(My friend is publishing a physical album review zine and asked me to do an album review for it. I need a bio so here is me writing it for the first time.)

"Name's Eels, (Elm and Vine). I've been bedroom producing for a decade in 9 different bedrooms/basements/livingrooms. Towards the end i spent a few semesters in production and songwriting classes where I learned to listen critically. I'm gonna be picking albums that capture some aspect of what I'm trying to attain in my music specifically for my next project so if that interests you hop aboard and let's boogie."

_________________________

I am honored my friend reached out to me to write blurbs for her zine. I was already planning on doing this album analysis getting ready for the new album and now I have a reason to write again. I was gonna be riding the train anyway. I think im gonna get an old portable CD player with headphones and listen to some of the physical albums I have been purchasing to get an idea of what I want to do with my musicianship on this album as well as likes and dislikes of production.

The concept of the zine is physical media so I want to stay true to her vision and not just review the youtube albums I've been listening to -- plus I've been wanting to build up my CD collection so this is gonna be flames.

She sent the rough in of my bio! (I take forever to write these blog posts I keep forgetting I'm doing it.)

Excited to be in a zine y'all. I'm having so much fun spreading my art through different media. It's been so delightful to hone different artistic skills and now I have a lot of train time to work on stuff.

I'm going to need to make a special page on my website for all my side quests because ive been so delighted to be involved in my friends projects. I also have business meeting in July for a project with another friend. So hype for life always. When I finally get to sell my car (hopefully for the full quote and hopefully by the end of this weekend) I'm gonna buy the other things I need including a used, smaller laptop for writing and music on the train, and a cd player.

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Day 1 oops I deleted

Carless Album

Can't sell my car til they give it back to me and I pay out the ass for repairs... which is hopefully tomorrow because thats when my carmax offer expires and i cam cover all this with the sale of my car. In fact the repairs my new bike and a year of commuting. Then all the gas money, insurance money, parking money amd repiar money can go to savings.

But today is technically day 2 of my new commute (2 hours of bike and train) i bought a fancy folding bike because i have a lot of being in the right train car anxiety and bike stealing anxiety. What's so fun about this bike is even if I don't fold it in time to get on the train I can fold it on the space between trains and still go to a regular no bike car. It helps a lot with being late which i already almost was on day 2.

I also got the folding bike because I dont have good bike parking at my apartment we have to keep them in the basement which is a nightmare to get in and out of with a bike. This is so much easier to store and carry in and out. Folding is a breeze I am not the best at it yet but it still takes less than a minute with no tools.

The only people who I have had to convince this is the correct option are my mom (safety) and my team lead (car pilled ig). But I think they both came around especially when my team lead saw the bike and when I reiterated I need to save money because my family is sick and poor. Which is true. I need to buy a house to take care of my dad or mom if they run out of options. That's my selfless reason. My selfish reason is this album. I'm deluded that if I make an album with any amount of quality to it it will make the money to buy all my family houses. But you know. Probably I'll just have a fun album to listen to on the train.

Anyway it's actually day 2 and my legs hurt and I'm tired from having to wake up early but you know. That's another 25 dollars in savings.

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Selling My Car To Pay For Album

I am scared because it is a big rash decision so im going to list out the positives!

Things I can do on my new commute that I couldn't do when I was sitting in traffic:

Write!!!! Free write, poetry, script work songs!!

No more voice notes for lyric ideas and also I have an entire musical I'm committed to working on behind the scenes of recording this album.

Read!!! I have a huge list of books I want to read that I own, I also want to start reading musical scripts to get an understanding of how they are structures

Rest!!!! For an hour and a half a day!!

No one is allowed to tell me to do anything and I can't physically move while on the train. Being on a train is such a restful experience especially when you have a backwards commute and the car only has 2 people on it. I'm tired in the morning and need to decompress in the evening what a good way for this when traffic just wound me up more.

Exercise!!!

An HOUR total of biking a day. Some on a lovely bike trail next to my house. And it'd broken into 15 minutes each hours apart so it won't even feel like an hour.

Be moody!!!

Looking out a train window is the perfect way to feel emo about things in your life. There really is nothing better especially when it rains.

Pretend to fall in love with strangers!!!

In traffic you hate everyone you meet how dare you be in a car next to me you pig bitch! But on a train every stranger could be a meet-cute. Imagine your life together and never speak to them or look at them because that's scary! But look mysterious and hot near by.

Get ready for my day!!!

I have to be ready when I leave the house if I drive, and most of the time I'm tired as hell! And I don't feel ready til about hour into my shift. Terrible! Now I get to sit, do warm-ups, stretch, biking is invigorating gets me up and moving, get an extra 10-20 minute nap in if I need it, drink a whole coffee, take deep breaths and breathe air. It's wonderful!

Save money!!!

I just did the math and if I really am spending on average 500 a month on insurance, parking and gas and registration and oil changes etc. As well as 500 a month on repairs for every time it broke down, then if I get tired of the extra hour it takes for me to do my full commute I can remember that hour is equivalent to 50 dollars. Each day. I can't believe how much that is. It's money I was making that was just going to a piece of junk that I used as a trashcan and dissociation teleportation device. Now if I'm tired and miserable I will just transfer $50 into the album savings. 10 days of that is one studio session.

I'm genuinely so hype you guys I was terrified how long this was gonna take me based on how much I could save and how often im having medical emergencies and car emergencies but this... this makes cushions possible. It makes debt go down. I watched a money guy for a while just to remind myself not to buy bullshit, and even though I got back on my bullshit for a bit one of the things he emphasized is cars are expensive. Most peoples debt is car debt. It made me realize that isn't worth it if you can avoid it. I'm trying to live extremely far beneath my means. I don't have family who can pay for studio time. I don't want to sign with anyone who will change the music I make. I want to make my music and support myself doing it.

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This might be the hypomania talking, or else the fed up bad-with-money generational debt talking. But I was so excited about money being able to go to finally producing music finally and not debt,, but yesterday all of the dash lights went on in my car at once and I was told I need a new engine. I have sunk 11k in repairs into a car that I bought for 15k and is worth 4k now. It's like every dollar I throw into that car it goes down by a dollar. I'm not interested in fixing it and going into debt again. I'm not interested in trading it in and getting a new car and going into debt again. I just got out of debt 2 months ago. I was so confused how someone with an engineers salary is struggling as much as i am. And I'm realizing where my money is going. It's going into this fucking car. A car that keeps breaking and causing me emotional turmoil.

So I think the year im making the album I'm just gonna sell that bitch and save save save all the money I'm spending on the car. I deserve this album. I've worked hard for this album. 9 years of college to get a job that can support me. 12 years of learning instruments and composition and audio production. 2 years of supporting someone elses dream with my time energy and money. No prospects of a family or anything. This album is my priority this album gives me hope that it was worth it. I did not work this hard to jump from debt to debt and if I DO go into debt for this car I will also be going into debt for this album because i am determined to make it, which is unacceptable to me. I can not afford both. But selling the car pays for the album outright and saving over the next year affords a new car.

So im getting it fixed getting it appraised and selling that bitch. If its worth it to fix and i get more im gonna do that but even if it isnt i cant afford it. The money is going to a new bike and ubers if i need it. Renting cars for out of town stuff. The money is going to a savings account I don't touch for mine and my families future. And the money is going to the album. Fuck maybe the musical and ballet too. It makes it so i can afford the orchaestra!! Afford videographers and actors and classes. And my piano lessons which were gonna push me over my budget. Good things aren't made without sacrifice and im sacrificing convenience for this big dream that keeps getting bigger.

Plus: train :))) and bike!!! I love both those things.

Ok I have no where to talk about this but here. I'll post the update this weekend when I sell my car. :^>

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Studio? Date??

Team. I have a studio date. AAAAAH

I'm 31. I started recording my music in 2011. I've been recording on my own the entire time. I'm grateful to the guys who took me to their house after school in highschool and gave me the tools I needed to start recording on my own because it built up a lot of confidence, courage, composition skills that lead me to feel VERY ready for this step.

Basically I decided I wasn't going to freak out about learning every fucking part of 10+ songs and every freaking instrument and doing everything all at once and saving large chunks of change for bigger pay out at the end which I know I'm terrible at. I'm tired. Work is kind of draining because I'm going sicko mode there, the world is on fire, we are going to war??? I fell down stairs and got a concussion, And now I'm performing at least once a month... oh and also editting videos I take along the way. I'm so tireedddd. and I need this shit (read:music) to get out of my head because I have FEELINGS about all of the things happening in life and I'm not WRITING SONGS ABOUT IT. I've got a backlog of about 20 songs rn. It is my ONLY COPING MECHANISM

And have decided what instead I'm going to do... is record the album song by song. It's 500 to rent the studio for the day including an engineer (who I have spoken to and am delighted by. more on that later) It's extra to get session musicians so I DONT have to perfectly learn to play every instrument. And he said it would make more sense to if I'm putting it out as an album to wait to master until the end And since thats an extra 500 a song I can put off paying that money for a while. So I think... I'm gonna just do that.

I'm gonna go record the songs with session musicians one song at a time, every few months as I save money, get the rough mix each time, maybe play with it myself? Have some tangible evidence that I'm moving forward with the album. Take notes both in the session and notes when I listen anytime I think of something. Then at the end send it to get mastered by the engineer who I've been working with for a year and drop a chunk of change on just that part. But what that also means is I get little dopamine drops to keep it going.

I talked to Brok the engineer, he super respected my years of experience and called me a coproducer so I still get to have a say on production elements of the song. =]

I'm tired. But I mst continue. I have song in my heart.

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Pupdate

it's been a bit since I posted and I want to brag and not bother people in my life! <3 Tumblr here we come

I headlined a show! It's been almost one year exactly. July 5th I went to an open mic dressed as Ernest Lover. In December I told the world I don't have friends please be my friend. I made friends. And this tuesday June 17th my friends threw a show and had me headline :3 What a delight.

They had really fancy cameras there too and i got called a rock star :33 and I don't know man -- so many friends came up and made plans with me from the Jethro group and one wanted to do a ~business lunch~. I'm so fuckin' busy I never have time to actually make music anymore. SO I did something kinda kooky.

I reached out to a studio(!) I'm gonna try and get some songs recorded I planned to record for the new album but just don't have the time to perfect the instrumentation. I'm tired boss. But man I want to hear them finished and polished and good. And also I'm starting to build an audience that I think the biggest thing holding me back is just quality and I don't have the time to put into it anymore. BUT I LOVE SONGWRITING AND SINGING. And I make money now. Not fuck you money but we're getting there.

So I'm going to be saving up all my monies for a month and get in a studio. Get some studio musicians. At least drums and guitar and bass. And if I can do that every 2 or 3 months I can have the Album fully recorded. I need to transcribe the music though for who ever is gonna do it. I guess I can pay transcribers for the two songs and go from there.

I also want to make this music video idea I have in my head but that's gonna mean saving up again. So my goal for keeping the music alive (BEYOND PERFORMING) is going to be

Save money

Transcribe music

Track and send for mastering 2 songs

Save money and perform for my soul

Maybe(?) give people a place to donate(?) for music-money(?)

Intersperse with work with other people. (Sihe Studio shit)

Make Music Video (???)

Yall IDK because I also have ideas for the musical and the ballet and I just dk when I have time for literally any of this. But I'm tired of specifically these two songs not being in the world. I have a lot of other good songs from the album so what ev. We will see life is insane and i'm tired and the world is a nightmare but i think people will relate to them. ~~ fuck it we ball.

I'm just really proud of myself for getting out there and doing the thing. And having a dream and following it.

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It's midnight the night before my first rehearsal with the team making my puppet dreams come true. I've had 2 lil office hours puppet parties with them and 2 came over for one-on-one assembly help. Tomorrow it all comes together for a first rehearsal.

There's 6 total people in the group. All have helped in some way. I'm just so proud of this team and we haven't even done choreography yet to the song. I'm gonna have packets for each of them and pencils if they want to take notes.

I've gone full engineer and type a with this one with thinking and planning and scheduling and now casting and directing. I was so scared I was going to be told I was over-bearing and no one would want to work with me again but instead they not only love the vision love the art love the story one said he wanted to get to know me out side of the project ;_; friend secured.

And I sewed a button on one of their jackets and it felt so mom lmao. I love this group and I love that I was cringe and put myself out there and asked the universe for community and friendship because it worked and now I have art and queer community.

Yall I have been for the last 10 years a square peg in a round hole and being in this space, it feels like the square hole. I'm sad it took me so long to find it but I never would have before now even if I tried I fear.

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So as always this has evolved to include another project beyond the scope of what I previously thought would definitely no doubt for sure be the very next project and no way would I do anything else.

Anyway I'm doing a puppet show now this month at a pretty big puppet event... in Chicago. I don't know how big all I know is they were featured in the chicago reader and the application call had like 200 shares and 500 likes and tickets sell out in 24 hours and only 8-9 performers are selected usually. I'm a little bit freaking out.

I don't know much more about it because they are gonna tell us more when everyone confirms which hopefully is by the end of this week. I asked for help from people and totally got awesome responses back and excitement from artists and puppeteers alike.

I'm gonna be performing an original song, in drag, with puppets depicting the story I'm singing behind me, in potentially a custom engineered puppet stage because im insane. It's a super cool medium and I'm delighted to have been selected. But also what is my life actually and truly.

My engineer friend sent the stage concept. I'm actually dying that this is potentially happening.

Oh God I just looked up the venue that's the largest place I've ever performed??? There's seating for 161 people?? Oh man and it is in 25 days. I must be brave.

I listened to my show biz playlist and feel a little better.

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So things changed. I'll probably talk more about it later but I decided it's not the year to do album projects that don't contribute beyond myself. I love my album but I think I need to use the money to give to my community who is hurting right now, not bolster my own selfish wants for a studio album.

But in the mean time I will be setting aside money for vocal and piano lessons. And I just wanted to say 1. I love my piano teacher he's so fun and funny and we get along really well. So I am glad I'm focusing on piano. 2. I'm so hype to get vocal lessons for the first time in my life. 3. I'm ADORING classical piano. I love classical music so much and composing is a secret passion of mine. I believe I am more of a composer/arranger than just singer songwriter as I have taken on more instruments.

Anyway my piano teacher was gutted at the end of the lesson after I played Romance by Mozart, never heard it before which is how I usually teach myself. Just easy quarter notes beginner piece, two page one phrase. I honestly didn't even think I did that well I messed up a bunch.

But he said the nicest thing anyones ever said, which was: "you truly are a musician, through and through. This is just a beginner piece but you added such life. It's carved in the marble, as we say in French. I am used to hearing such empty notes but you are not just playing."

Listen this is my safe space to brag ok. I have spent 30 years feeling like my love of music was not enough to qualify me as a musician. I always felt less than other musicians in my life who pursued music more than i did. So to make it 2 months into piano lessons and to be told that my musicianship is carved in my marble. It made me feel so right. I watched my friend go on to be a composer in hs, he went to college for composition. He has toured Europe with his music. I have viewed him with such envy for a long time. I love my pop music and I love my poetry and I love my songs. But the idea of writing a composition and a full orchestra playing it. And me guiding them. Dude.

I have a lot of dreams with music, performance, comedy. But classical will have my heart. I dont know what any of that will mean for me ever. But damn.

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Spotify Metrics for the Soul

I realized I really like making equations for metrics on social media that help me compare myself to where I came from not what everyone else is doing. I'm currently making one to 'score' my albums based on each other and album content that is scalable to multiple years and multiple million plays since I don't wanna blow the scale if anything ever happens and i think this time in my life is just as important as if I blow up! I think I might work more on a few of them for each website that I have metrics on and play with them before maybe making a video showing how to make them. I could also have it be a part python video? Where I show off Python's use in data analytics.

I'm honestly such a data nerd I might do data break downs in my monthly videos for the Album both in hours put into the album and Metrics for the Soul <3

Because why not! Fuck it! I love DATA and I am not afraid to say it!!!

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Weekend of Demo Recording

Took 2 days off in the New Year to record. I did resting and socializing but a majority of what I did this week was record. If I'm being totally honest I'm so sick of it haha. Good practice for when I record the album I guess.

But it went well! My fingers hurt. My voice hurts. I recorded 5 songs in 5 days. 35 total tracks recorded. Bass lines written. Piano parts. Solos. Tons and tons of composing, practicing and recording of all the instruments I play. I have one more song left to do and honestly I think I'm gonna let myself work on it the rest of the week since he doesn't need these till Friday. I am so so tired. I'm tapped for melodies and harmonies I really don't wanna strain myself to create when I already did so much.

But I'm proud of myself! I didn't know I'd be able to do something like this honestly. I've done the song in a day thing before but never 5 days in a row. I might take time off at the end of the month to do the same with my non-drum compositions because it would be great if I could have all my demos done by the end of the month. Then I could start reaching out to recording studios (!!!!) and getting more solid pricing quotes, and making musician connections, finding out what process I need to follow.

I recorded video of me recording the demos so I'm gonna put together the "demo weekend" vlog as the month goes on. Definitely have just hours of footage to sift through.

As for tonight I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening putting together a full transcription of the piano part I wrote this week to bring my piano teacher to excuse why I didn't do any practicing this week which I feel bad and guilty about. He is so gonna be fine but I don't know how to go about saying hey here is a thing I wrote can you help me learn how to play it? And play it well...

I guess I would spend the month transcribing my piano pieces... Ok I'm gonna go get started on that. <3 I can't believe how much I've already done this year towards this goal.

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I'm so happy.

I'm clean. My space is calm and my time is precious. I took the first week of the year off to make music and I'm already making incredible changes to my demos for the album. I'm SO excited for these songs.

Also im also noticing marked improvement in the instruments im practicing. Like I recorded guitar yesterday in only a couple takes and felt really confident playing! And piano with lessons I'm going not only faster but more efficient in my chords because the inversions I learned.

And then when I finished a take I thought you know im actually pretty good at this. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to play in front of people. I can't believe I thought that!

I was always so nervous to play in front of people. I thought I can sing no problem but I'm very shy about instruments. but like I was playing along to my track and it felt like playing in a band. And it felt wonderful. Ive never played in a band before and I honestly really want to. It would be amazing to meet people this year who can help play my music live sometime. Even just for the album release. I've already met two people who want to play with me at open mics.

I didn't get much done on the second day but I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow, go grab some energy drinks and go ham the last 3 days.

I have a lot of writing I need to do as well. A lot of bass lines and a lot of piano parts.

I just really wanna have the songs done by Monday morning to send to my drummer. How good it's gonna feel to know my demos are done so early to send to studios and start talking quotes and producers.

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Meeting with Drummer!

Had my first meeting with another musician who is excited to collaborate with me 🥳🥳! I'm very very into his drumming, since day one of seeing him drum and he's only gotten better and better at it over the many years I've known him. So I'm over the moon that he wants to work with me. Also he said I'm a great composer which is the first time anyone other than I have used that word to describe what I do.

Anyway we have a rough timeline of getting demos done to start working with studios. I'm also going to write up a little contract so we have in writing the extent of work he is going to be doing with me. I'm so excited to have my first part of the Album Team and the plus being its with someone I'm so excited to work with.

So hype. It also feels like it's coming into view a bit better with some actual money on the table and timelines roughed out.

Ok I need to go to bed. Tomorrow I'm gonna keep cleaning becaue this next weekend I took time off to work on music so I will use that time to finish up the instrumental demos to send him, no drums.