elusivexo

[elusivexo]

deep poppy red-oranges gradually sweeping up and fading into pale then midnight blues, outlines of tall proud buildings with specks of window light illuminated by smooth moonlight, the dark waters lapping rhythmically at the shore, the bridge rising majestically across it all. new york is always beautiful, and this is my favorite view of the city, but tonight, it’s more arresting than usual.

my memory often fails me, but i still very clearly remember looking over the white marble kitchen counter at the view of the city skyline neatly sectioned off by black frames. it was sunset, and i felt my heart burst in contentment and wonder. how was i so lucky to be living here, in this perfect apartment, at 27? little did i know how much of myself i would have to sacrifice for this dream beyond dreams - a beautiful, clean, spacious home with the most amazing view every time i cooked, in my beloved city. i never asked for it nor dared to imagine it. i remember telling myself to never take it for granted.

walk-in clinic is the best possible distraction; i’m so consumed by the patients’ stories, the frenetic pace, and the frustration of the situation that i don’t have the capacity to think of anything else. playing terraforming mars and focusing on my to-do list helps, too; i’m a master of compartmentalization and denial. when amrita texted me to say “omg 2 days :O how are you feeling?,” i broke. “trying not to think about it, lol” i responded blithely. the truth is, i’m terrified of losing my fiercest love.

[elusivexo]

tastiest new domestic restaurants (2022)

in no particular order because that would be way too hard 

luthun - totally my favorite restaurant in nyc now. i have been so incredibly impressed and thoroughly amazed by chef nahid’s boundless creativity in crafting this delightful menu with pieces that change every 2-3 weeks. the price did jump up from $100 to $135 but it really is totally worth it; i wish i could go more often though, and i do want to celebrate all special events here. the ambiance is also really special because it feels so intimate, and i’d love to be a regular here. i also love hearing chef nahid’s stories for how the dishes came to be. 

kaiseki room - ruiji took me here for my bday and it was a spectacularly delightful meal. i’ve never had kaiseki before and i do really love the combination of cooked, savory food with raw fish. everything was so comforting but elevated at the same time. 

win son - the first food blogger i ever followed recommended this place, and i’ve been wanting to go here for decades. finally made my way here after chris snagged a reservation and i was really amazed by pretty much everything we ate. 

okiboru ramen - the tsukemen reminded me of rokurinsha’s tsukemen, which basically means it’s like the best in nyc LOL 

wenwen - the BDSM chicken alone makes this place absolutely amazing. we didn’t get the other super interesting things on this menu because one of the people in our group couldn’t eat pork and a lot of stuff is made with lard haha. the dessert (deep fried tang yuan) was incredible. 

claud - the menu is hit or miss (well, even the misses are good; they’re just kinda expensive for what it is when other stuff is waaay better for a similar price). i would come here for the escargot croquettes and chicken liver agnolotti alone. 

rowdy rooster - i’ve been here SO many times because it’s just so approachable and so great. the lil rowdy with the pao is the perfect fried chicken sandwich and all the condiments and flavors meld together for an amazing indian-american fusion 

hyun - the idea of AYCE wagyu is insane to me, and this was really incredible. will try grilling wagyu from costco though to see how that compares :p 

chard - this little unassuming restaurant serves up some fantastic casual singaporean food; i really love the roti john and the fried chicken sandwich

jua - the uni kim is definitely amazing, but i also really loved the foie gras congee :) 

[elusivexo]

NYR 2023

usually i take this time to reflect on last year’s resolutions but i guess i just didn’t have any last year? LOL 

clear out my bedroom - this has been an ongoing resolution for years, but i really am determined. i bet my mom $1000 i will do this before the end of next year LMAO to give myself some extra pressure. but seriously, i really should have cleared it out since i’ll be moving out and there’s no reason to keep stuff that i will never use. 

catch up with one piece - it’s super easy to read and justin is giving me access to all his physical books so ... i should be able to do this. will just take a considerable time investment but it’s a fun one :) 

transition to hosting smaller dinner parties - i had a total disaster with my bday dinner this year and i resolve to never do that again. i can host potlucks/parties with large groups of people, but not dinner parties. i will aim to keep it at 8 max (unless i have extra help). 

maintain discipline in working out - this isn’t “start working out” because i did do it for a full year in arkansas and i learned how to do it this last month; i just need to keep a yoga mat at work so i can work out at 4pm at the hospital if i have dinner plans with friends in the city. it’s worked out remarkably well, and i intend to maintain this. 

be able to touch my toes - being physically not flexible has always been embarrassing to me, and it is actually kinda inconvenient sometimes. don’t think this is possible for this year but i want to try getting there :) 

read through the child psych textbook that ruiji’s dad got me - this was actually such a thoughtful gift; whether i do child psych fellowship or not, i will want to know this material. 

organize & upload all my photos since the pandemic - this is really ambitious because it’s so hard to go through everything, but i do need to. and i have to start somewhere! 

[elusivexo]

new (material) possessions of 2022

in an effort to combat consumerism (okay a little ironic since i’m now going to be focusing on material items LOL), i do want to be more intentional about what i purchase :p 

fleece leggings + sheertex tights - i finally invested in nude-colored fleece leggings for extra warmth (i do love my thin heattech but these feel so plush!) and sheertex because i was tired of buying sheer tights that tore immediately. this has been a gamechanger with outfits haha :) 

steve madden slinky30 platform sandals - i’m so obsessed with these shoes omg; they’re legit the most comfortable shoes i own and they give me the perfect amount of height. i’m not sure i’ll be wearing anything else this summer (i actually bought them in black and blush LOL so they’ll go with all my outfits). with this purchase, i ended up giving away lot of my other summer shoes since i won’t wear them anymore

elta md daily spf 40 sunscreen - now that i’m in my 30s, i realize i really need to take care of my skin; i consulted adele and she recommends this moisturizing sunscreen that feels really nice on my skin :) 

tonka beans - idk why i never thought to order these online but i love that i have them now to bake with and to add to ice cream :D 

YSL small kate bag - i’ve low-key wanted one for years, but could never justify the cost; i’m still not sure what possessed me to get one (i guess mostly peer pressure from my family lol) but i’m not mad ... for now. haha. 

gatta bag - finally got a cute camera bag and i’m obsessed - it fits a camera and a lens perfectly, and basically has everything i need. i remember thinking i didn’t understand why women got so many bags and now i’m like ... i hope that’s not gonna be me :x 

fujifilm xt3 + prime lenses - after my camera got stolen, i ended up getting this and i’m so, so happy with the unintentional forced upgrade. love the way my pictures have been coming out though i still need to play with the presets a bit more :x 

viva conditioner - i got this amazing conditioner (free) after my last hair appointment, and this really makes my hair so much easier to manage. i can’t find it anywhere though and i’m a little worried i have to go back to get my hair done just so i can get this again haha 

2 TB portable hard drive - it’s crazy that my laptop AND my phone are always full; i guess i just take a ton of photos and i really need to offload/organize everything better. it’s a little daunting and i had put it off for a few years since i misplaced my hard drive after moving to arkansas/back :( finally bought a new one instead of fruitlessly looking 

board games (ark nova, wingspan asia, 7 wonders architects, citadels, mysterium) - hmm ... did not realize that i had gotten 5 games already this year LOL oops. well, i think i’m getting pretty good use out of them! 

[elusivexo]

most memorable (fun) international events of 2022

travels this year: barcelona, italy (rome, naples, sorrento) south of france (marseille, aix-en-provence, arles, baux-de-provence, cassis, orange, vaison-la-romaine) 

photoshoot in the thermes constantin - it’s crazy that this place was basically empty because we just ended up taking a lot of really fun photos with my tripod LOL

calanques hike - i’m not very adept at hiking but it was truly gorgeous seeing the super blue waters and i very much enjoyed the cheese + salami + bread from the farmers’ market for our lunch break :) 

la maison d’uo + direkte boqueria - okay this is kind of cheating because they were meals but they were SUCH incredible experiences. la maison d’uo was incredible in that it was a 3-4 hour dinner with my closest friends and it was just so much fun. direkte boqueria was spellbinding to see the chefs prepare EVERYTHING right there 

vaison-la-romaine - even though we were in france, there was just something so lovely about exploring the roman ruins (and again pretty much having it entirely to ourselves)

sagrada familia + park guell - lumping this together because basically seeing gaudi’s work with the church + his inspiration with nature was just incredible. both made a huge impression on me, and i’d definitely go back

museum of contemporary art + caixa forum magritte exhibit - lumping these together because i saw ads for both of them at the airport (did not plan for them ahead of time) and they were both serendipitously convenient; moco was right by the picasso museum, and caixa forum was a 5 minute walk from our airbnb. both were my favorite museums by far and i feel so lucky to have been able to see such a comprehensive magritte exhibit :) 

recinte modernista de sant pau - it’s weird that a hospital is so beautiful but it was really lovely to explore this space with ruiji and see what they were envisioning for a place of healing :) 

pompeii - i’m glad i went to italy AFTER france because seeing the roman ruins at pompeii was truly a sight to behold. it’s a shame we didn’t get to climb vesuvius but i’m not sure we could’ve handled it anyway considering we were walking about 40k steps a day :p 

teaching port how to take photos - we did a photoshoot by the colosseum and it was really sweet that he asked for tips because he wants to be able to take better pictures of doris. he picked it up really fast and ended up taking better pictures of me than i did of him LOL 

late night pizza & gelato runs - really cherished the time i got to spend with port waiting in lines, going out for pizza after our parents were tired, and eating allll the gelato :) 

[elusivexo]

most memorable (fun) domestic events of 2022

pie potluck - this is my second pie potluck ever (with a few bumps) but it was definitely a success and i’m so, so happy to have been able to do it again since the last one in 2018. i definitely did not need to make so many pies as i now realize i have a lot of great cooks/bakers as friends :)

casual bday surprise at yuliya’s - i cooked an easy dinner (thai mushroom salad, oxtail congee, thit kho grilled cheese with BBH) and played ark nova with yuliya and dan, and they surprised with me a lady m matcha mille crepe cake. i haven’t had a bday surprise in ages, and this was just so lovely; it was really the perfect way to spend my bday (games + home-cooked food + good company) that it made me realize i would much rather prefer multiple small dinners for my bday than one giant one. 

chihuly glass museum - i love chihuly’s work, and it was so lovely to actually see so much of it in one place. i went to the exhibit at the NYBG for my bday one year (which was utterly magical) but this was really fun too :) 

multiple amazing musicals (come from away, hamilton, six, into the woods, notre dame de paris) - i was utterly SPOILED by the quality of the musicals i saw this year, wow. notre dame de paris gave me chills, especially as it was the first musical i ever saw (in french class in movie form in 7th grade) and i was so thankful that eunice knew that they were coming from france for a special 11-day tour. watching it in the original french was absolutely spellbinding. 

multiple really wonderful weddings (dean + jessie, sue + akshay, connie + louie, david + claire, amrita + jaimin) - i was a little stressed about the intensity of all the travels for wedding season (plus several other weddings for ruiji’s friends) but it really is such a joy to see dear friends i love get married to people who are so, so good for them. dean & jessie’s was particularly lovely in the intimacy of a tiny tiny wedding with really thoughtful thank you notes and the day-after pizza party at the brewery. amrita’s & jaimin’s is unique in that i attended multiple events as a bridesmaid for a full indian wedding, and it was really incredible to see all the performances, learn multiple dances, and participate in an incredibly extravagant celebration. i don’t think i’ll ever be this involved but it was absolutely worth it :) 

philly day trip with parents - they had such a great time at the mutter museum, and it was really fun to take them to the magic gardens and woodrow’s :) 

girls’ night gryffin at brooklyn mirage - i really, really love hanging out with girls but most of my girl friends are usually busy. i had such a great time jamming to gryffin at my fave venue with wholesome, cool women who were not high on drugs :) 

mead flight tasting - i had never had mead before, and if this was readily accessible, i would probably be an alcoholic. jk but this was really cool that we happened to stumble upon a mead tasting on national mead day (and so we got a BOGO tasting flight). loved being able to try something that i’ve seen referenced so much in fantasy novels :p 

sojo spa day - went here for amrita’s bachelorette party and then had to come back with ruiji because it was so great to eat at the amazing japanese food court nearby and then spend a whole day intentionally relaxing. the hydromassage was very fun :D 

max’s 30th bday party - rata planned such a great bday party - dinner with multiple courses, frisbees with a cartoon of max’s face as party favors, and karaoke (with lots of taylor swift). now that we’re older with more money to spend, i’m excited for more of these :p 

[elusivexo]

new things i did in 2022

treat my parents to a vacation - the first (and last) family vacation we had was a cruise to bermuda in like ... 2015. it required no planning whatsoever. now that port and i are working adults, we were able to treat our parents to a trip in italy for a week. it was a lot of planning and accommodating (and i’d never been to italy before). it ended up being quite trying and we learned a lot, but our dad really loved it and he still talks about it very fondly. i’m not sure port and i can tolerate another week-long trip but we definitely do plan to take them on more trips. 

take a pottery class - i’ve been wanting to do ceramics since junior year of high school, and i’m so thrilled that alison and i finally planned a day class together - hand throwing was so fun, and i was immeasurably proud of the few pieces i made. we haven’t been able to commit to a 6-week course yet, but hopefully in 2023! 

plan a bachelorette party & give a toast - considering that i’ve been a bridesmaid/groomswoman multiple times, i’ve actually never done either of these things - it was a little stressful, but so, so fun and so worth it. it was especially easy for amrita since i met jaimin early in their relationship and i’ve gotten to know him very well :) 

go on a trip to europe with my guy besties - this was so special, and it was SO fun and so magical to be able to go on a trip with them to the south of france. i didn’t think we could line up three resident schedules but somehow we did, and i will treasure that trip forever. there are very few people whose company i can enjoy 24/7, and it was exhausting and thrilling in the best way. 

international solo trip with ruiji - not only was it our first solo vacation together (i don’t count staycations in SF or nyc especially when one of us is working), but it was our first trip abroad. i don’t think i was nervous, but it was really such a contrast to all the miserable vacations i had with raymond; it was so fun and so easy to explore barcelona with ruiji, and i had an amazing time. very good to know we are very travel compatible :) 

reunion with favorite med school friends - i blame covid for not letting us have more reunions and i’m hopeful that this was the first of many future annual reunions (probably for weddings LOL but still). it was so lovely hanging out with them in nyc prior to amrita’s wedding, and i am so grateful for our very active groupchat that makes it feel like we’re still very close. 

boda borg - this was SO fun and honestly i feel like it’s worth it to go to boston just for this hahaha. i love the premise of these mini game rooms to explore with friends and seeing all the amazing art all around. i would totally go here all the time if this existed in nyc. 

ark nova - currently one of my favorite board games :) it’s very reminiscent of terraforming mars, but it’s zoo/animal-based and it’s so cute. 

publish - it’s kind of wild that this took 2 years to happen; i actually had forgotten about it when we got the notification that it was undergoing review. it was a very small article but i’m proud of it nonetheless :) 

non-alcoholic beverage pairing - this happened very serendipitously when i asked people to bring non-alcoholic drinks to a dinner party, as there were exactly the same number of drinks as there were courses. i loved this concept and it was really, really fun. i absolutely want to incorporate this more :) 

[elusivexo]

favorite food i cooked (2022)

in the last two hours of 2022, i will frantically write a jumble of reflections or lists since i’m hanging out in the psych ER alone anyway :p 

in no particular order:

cumin lamb “pie” with mashed potatoes & scallion pancake - i made this for pie night and i’ve been dreaming of this for the last several years - it turned out so much better than i expected (though i did cheat with using XFF spicy oil, haha). toasting the cumin really adds a lot, and this will definitely be in my routine because it is pretty easy once you slice all the lamb :) 

spicy brazilian cheesy bread - the recipe i’m using now is totally foolproof, and it’s amazing that you can use feta and add any spicy sauce (truff, gochujang, harissa, etc) and it will turn out so flavorful and delicious - so easy! 

roasted brussels sprouts with maple-soy caramel glaze - ridiculously easy for how complex and tasty the flavors are - i’m obsessed with this glaze. 

thit kho grilled cheese sandwiches with BBH dip - definitely the most time-consuming dish but so, so worth it. will always want this if i’m throwing a lavish dinner party :) 

red curry coconut crab quiche - another ridiculously easy hit - i think i’ve made this like 3-4 times since i first made it. a little pricy with lump crab but definitely worth it :) 

scallion pancakes coconut short rib adobo quesadilla - scallion panckes are waaay underrated as a carb vehicle - add some guac, pickled caramelized red onions, and spicy mayo, and this is the most delightful comfort food 

kimchi chorizo spam arancini - so fun making different flavored arancinis - another arancini flavor will probably feature on next year’s list :p 

upside down pineapple guava mochi cake - incorporating guava nectar into the mochi cake really added so much, and the caramelized pineapple - yum! 

tonka bean coconut ice cream with candied macadamia nuts & marshmallows - tonka bean just really elevates everything. this did not need additional toppings to make it tasty but it helps :) 

chawanmushi with soy-marinated ikura - the real star is the dashi from okume :D but really this is so comforting and lovely

[elusivexo]

trust

13 days until match. 

it’s crazy how time flies; i still remember, in vivid detail, the feel of the textured gray couch and the horror that swept over me like a cold wave. i was alone, and a simple email delivered the news that almost broke me. in the years since, my life has changed radically - despite my occasional complaints, there is nowhere i’d rather be. i am so delighted by God’s perfect plans with my residency, especially because in hindsight i know how pitiful medicine education is here and how only distance could have severed the gold chains of that relationship. 

i’ve repeated the options to everyone who asks - SF or NYC. fellowship or attending. as for what i want? i know what i ranked; that was easy. i don’t know what i want, because i will be giving up something precious no matter what happens. my life will irrevocably change, yet again, in july 2023. i’ve really enjoyed these last few years, growing comfortably - in psychiatry, self-discipline, hosting, traveling, and daughterhood. i don’t feel ready to change, or to choose - and for the first time, i’m truly content not being in control of my future. 

[elusivexo]

NYR 2021

wow, weird to think that when i wrote my resolutions last year, covid was barely on my radar. i give myself some leeway since i couldn’t have expected that :p making lighter NYR this year to hopefully get them done! 

review of last year’s:

drink more water - well ... i was on and off with this. i do think i did drink a lot more water, though! so i’ll keep using the water bottle <_< 

skincare - have not been using sunscreen cus i don’t see the sun really, but i have been applying lotion/toner and face masks regularly! 

continue working out/eating healthy-ish weekday meals - i had a several month dip in this because i was living at home and the long commute was not conducive to working out :x also was eating a TON at home ... and then ate a lot of dessert for advent. but overall i think i did really well on this! :) 

cook a new veggie q2 weeks - no this completely fell apart because i didn’t go to the grocery store the last few months i was in arkansas LOL 

marie kondo my room at home - well ... it’s not done, but i’m working on it :) i’ve been donating a bunch of stuff to buy nothing and to my hospital (clothing for patients) 

budget more seriously - doing pretty well, i think :) at least, i’m living reasonably within my means? 

take up ceramics or dance - not possible in covid times. next. 

snack less & drink less juice - now that i’m no longer in arkansas, i snack way less - though for half of 2020, i continued to eat chips daily. LOL. less juice ... well, i’ve moved onto peanut milk now. :x 

observe lent - nope i completely lost track of when lent started and ended so this didn’t happen :( 

finish foodtography school - i did! but i didn’t do any of the assignments LOL 

i actually came up with these last-minute on 12/31 because the new year came so fast - i totally was not expecting it. LOL.

teach lychee & yuzu one trick each - they’re pretty smart, so i think i can! i think i’ll teach lychee to stand (which she really enjoys doing as is) and maybe teach yuzu to give a paw? 

attempt to make a kouign-amman - i haven’t really challenged myself with a pastry in a while, so this would be fun :) and amanda got me the dominique ansel cookbook! 

learn how to make pasta and hand-pulled noodles - port got me the XFF book and i do have a stand mixer and a pasta maker so i really should get on it, especially since it’s so hard to get food outside these days :/ 

get back to (and maintain) a 24 inch waist - full disclosure, i started at 29 last academic year and i’m now back up to 28. oof. i know exactly how i got here, though, and i’m glad i did actually get back here so i can fully understand what parts of my body changed. back to work now :) 

clean out my room at home - this is always on my list but seriously, it would be nice to have it be a nice space and not a storage unit 

continue to educate myself on systemic racism - i don’t want it to be a passing fad; this will be relevant for as long as i love

send snail mail to friends - i really appreciate getting letters, but i don’t send them out enough. what better covid activity than this? 

finish watching the good place & korra - it’s been years now and i’m like wait i really should just finish it LOL 

learn how to apply makeup to my brows - this confuses me so much but hopefully it’s doable? 

improve flexibility - trying to do yoga for adriene’s 16 min yoga for flexibility every day. we’ll see how far it takes me :) 

[elusivexo]

NYR 2020

i never forget to make new year’s resolutions because i just love making lists and disappointing myself when i don’t actually get around to them :p jk i really do love the prospect of starting anew, and i’m excited for what 2020 will bring :) 

review of last year’s:

a photo a day project - nailed it ;) i mean, it is pretty much my substitute for blogging @_@ 

homecooked food album + cook something new 1x/month - surprisingly i was still able to cook something new once a week! except for when i went to japan :p i cooked nothing that entire month LOL but then cooked like 5 new dishes in thailand the next week so uh does that cancel out? 

opt for low-carb/vegetarian/healthy weekday lunches - hmmm i think i actually did pretty well on this! :) 

go to the gym 1x/week - this had a rocky start, but i did start working out in earnest in late june and i’ve actually been working out pretty much every day since then. :D 

donate clothes - UGH WHY ... sticking it on again for next year 

read 30 books this year - 42! :) 

finish foodtography school - nope LOL but maybe next year :x 

review of fourth year resolutions: 

read, read, read - yep, but not enough :(

make macarons - yep! 

yelp - got elite for 2019 :) 

explore sushi - hmm yes? i did have more sushi, but this is an expensive hobby :p 

use my torch for savory dishes - nooo i didn’t 

host themed cheese nights - yes! 

host themed potlucks - started doing this in searcy :D 

host dinners - mostly here in arkansas

home improvement - did quite a bit though this is moot now that i no longer live there haha 

this year’s resolutions will be more health-focused (both physical and emotional), since i’ll be turning 30! 

drink more water - i bought myself a water bottle with time markings! i definitely don’t drink enough water :( 

skincare - my mom’s skin is better than mine LOL. i’m going to start putting on sunscreen when i’m outside and try to do a face mask at least once a month, and put on lotion more regularly. 

continue working out/eating healthy-ish weekday meals - i’ve gotten into a pretty good routine, so i think i should be good :) 

cook a new veggie q2 weeks - inspired by alex! not like an ENTIRELY new veggie, but just 26 different veggies throughout the year, hopefully seasonal. 

marie kondo my room at home - i’ll be living at home from july to october, so hopefully i will spend a good amount of time paring down. 

budget more seriously - i’ve never really had to budget before, but i will absolutely have to if i want to live in a nice place but stay within my means. (aka eating out way less and being more mindful of grocery/travel expenses). 

take up ceramics or dance - idk if i’d be able to actually afford a new hobby LOL but i would love to focus on something else with all the time i will have as a single person :) 

snack less & drink less juice - i’m going to cut out snacks (especially chips) and juice for january and february entirely (well, not the week that i’m in LA). i don’t like depriving myself of something completely, so hopefully weaning myself off of them will help me be healthier the rest of the year. 

observe lent - i think i’m going to do vegetarian weekday meals; i succumb really easily to my carnal desires, and i think this will be a good reminder to really turn to God and remind myself of how much He’s sacrificed for me. 

finish foodtography school - for real, i do really want to be better at food photography. 

[elusivexo]

most meaningful things that happened in 2019

heavy post because this was really quite a year. major life changes in my career, romantic relationships, and spiritual life. it’ll all make me stronger, though. 

not matching - this was truly devastating; i would’ve ranked the breakup with shelton as the most heartbreaking event of my life, but this easily topped that. i spent days sobbing and hyperventilating on the couch, feeling completely alone and lost. this was all i had ever wanted, and it was soul-crushing to have it gone - and know that i had done this to myself. as much as i wanted to celebrate my friends’ successes, i couldn’t even bring myself to feel anything other than grief. it was a huge exercise in faith, and God really met me by giving me more than i could’ve hoped for. 

maui’s passing - second most devastating thing to happen in my life because it was 1) so incredibly unexpected and 2) absolutely out of my control. my sweet kitty had only been with us for two years, and he was absolute perfection. it was agonizing to know that there was a treatment, but it wouldn’t be available to the general public for another several years. it was heart-wrenching to see him lethargic and uncomfortable. still not sure how to get over this grief - because unlike not matching or breakups, there is no solace in “it was for the best.” 

breakup with raymond - there really was so much i loved about him, and traits and memories will involuntarily pop up: watching pokemon episodes together in iceland, walking through the aquarium and gazing at marine animals with awe, making chili oil for szechuan wontons together, wiping tears away as he reassured me that he understood what it meant to encounter obstacles in his career and that everything would be okay. although i’ve had doubts throughout our entire relationship and i felt peace with the decision, it’s still hard sometimes to let go of something that was such a certainty for almost half a decade. 

prospect of moving in with miranda & eunice - i’ve never chosen my roommates; all of my roommates have been random roommates who i loved and chose to continue living with. the idea that miranda, eunice, and i can actually live together and fulfill all our dreams of introverted socializing is absolutely intoxicating, and has been one of the best things that’s helped me get through the breakup/maui’s passing. 

japan & thailand - i’ve mostly been traveling with raymond the last few years, and i have cried on every single trip. i had started believing that there was something wrong with me and my travel style, and that i either needed to change or give up traveling. japan allowed me the freedom to travel solo, which i truly loved. it was incredibly freeing and i was really happy with my explorations. i was a little anxious about my travels with amrita, but we had such an incredibly fun time that i was reminded of all the great trips i’ve had with friends from college - and i realized that i wasn’t the problem after all. 

working out - i wasn’t sure if i’d ever have the physical discipline to stick with actually working out regularly, but it turns out i just needed to find something i enjoyed. i truly enjoy strength training - the repetition, the slow growth and measurable progress, and the many breaks in between - and yoga alone. i love that i can go at my own pace and push myself to what i feel is appropriate. the other day someone worked out with me and said i needed to push myself harder; he made me try heavier weights that i almost dropped (and hurt myself), and would absolutely not have been able to do any reps with at all. that experience made me realize how much i appreciate the lack of judgment and expectation that comes from working out alone; my body has already changed dramatically these past six months, and i am more than happy with that. 

the little book of hygge - reading this really helped recenter me because it resonated SO MUCH. socializing for introverts is exactly what i love, and i was already aware of bits of it - but reading about it in a cohesive whole really helped me set the tone for what i want with my life. “more than 6-8 people is too much,” dan had said at one point. i agree, and yet why did i always host so many parties of 30+ people? i mean, i still will for major events but overall that’s not what i want day-to-day. excited to make this a core part of my life :) 

rural life - this is the first time in my life that i’ve lived anywhere rural; even léogâne, haiti was urban. it’s been really interesting not only living somewhere with limited activity/food options, but also experiencing the smallness of a tiny, tiny community of people. i see why people have to be so extra polite/careful because drama here echoes and reverberates throughout the entire community. 

reconnecting with friends - being somewhere rural with nothing to do (and fewer/less available friends) definitely allows me ample opportunity to reconnect with people, and it has been such a blessing. i love the friends i have found over the past 15 years, and i am so grateful that they are as available as they are. even after years of not talking, we connect just as fast. <3 

charles - despite all the volatility and disappointments, i am incredibly grateful to him for those first three weeks because he taught me an incredibly important lesson: that i am worthy of love and affirmation, after all, and it is not too much to ask from a romantic partner. although i already knew that God loved me beyond compare - and that my friends, too, also love me deeply - it is really different to feel beautiful and appreciated. he taught me definitively that i should not settle for someone who doesn’t value me - and that i, too, should value myself. 

[elusivexo]

things i wanted in 2019

these last three posts are the most serious (and therefore also the longest). it was hard reflecting on this list and some of the disappointments and shifts i had to go through this year. 

engagement/marriage - i always vaguely assumed i’d get married in my late 20s and have children in my early 30s. when i started med school, the timeline looked perfect: if raymond and i were still dating and everything looked good, we could get engaged end of m2 and be married by end of m4, and i’d have kids in pgy3 during outpatient psych. the timelime shifted when he didn’t propose end of m2, and we talked about maybe getting married during pgy3 instead. it is so peculiar to think that if i hadn’t done what i did, i could be planning my wedding right now instead of writing this post. there are definitely some bittersweet feelings - a lot of nostalgia for the good memories nestled against the gaping loneliness of being single - but i think i made the right choice. 

23 inch waist - i started in june with either a 27.5 or 29 inch waist (LOL maybe i didn’t know how waist measurements worked when i was measuring at 29), and i got down to 24.5 at one point, which was my goal for the end of the academic year. i wasn’t satisfied at 24.5, and i decided my new goal would be 23. after raymond and i broke up, though, i realized that it was really unhealthy/vain to be so fixated on my waist size. i’m currently back at 25.5, but i’m learning to love my body as it is, whatever waist size i am. 

finish foodtography school - i bought this class so that i could fulfill my dream of actually taking good food photos and having my own food blog, and i really loved what i learned so far. i got kind of stuck though at the part about buying food photo props, though, because i didn’t know where they would be stored in raymond’s apt. i guess i’ll finish this decade taking mediocre photos :p 

learn to bike/drive - chris and i took a bike riding class and um he learned to bike and i ... did not. i’ve had multiple co-interns offer to teach me how to drive this year, but i was too scared to take them up on their offer. i think i’ve finally come to terms with the idea, though, so maybe i will in 2020! 

clean out my room - i feel like i’ve been telling my parents for the last DECADE that i will come home and clean out my room some day and uh i haven’t. i have clothes from 7th grade still LOL. my poor parents. :( 

match in nyc - i wanted to match in nyc so badly that i only applied to nyc basically, which was such a dumb move in retrospect (but also so good because it got me where i am). i really loved all the programs i interviewed at, and i remember the overflowing, bubbling excitement i had after each interview. it was incredibly heart-wrenching to not match (more on this tomorrow), but it has worked out perfectly. 

be totally single - honestly this is true for this entire last decade; somehow, i haven’t really spent significant time being truly single. even now, in the last few months, i literally have not spent a single day completely free from some sort of relationship (no matter how casual) with a guy. i have super mixed feelings about this because i really do think i could benefit from being actually single. :/ 

christian community - i’ve found that the times when i’m not solidly in christian community in this last decade are the times when my life feels the darkest. i haven’t gone to church in the last six months since i’ve been here, and although i would not want to go to any of these super conservative churches in arkansas, i do really miss having a christian community to keep me accountable. 

study/anatomy of an epidemic - evan introduced me to this book that really, really shook me. the pursuit of child & adolescent psychiatry has made up more than half my life, and the idea that my entire career could be doing much more harm than good is incredibly unsettling. it was extremely difficult reading this book, and i definitely meant to do much more research into the topics it brings up. i did not, but i know i need to if i want to make peace with what i am doing with my life. 

read books - i meant to read 60 books this year since i had SO MUCH FREE TIME in m4, but i only read like 50 - mostly my childhood fantasy indulgences, so idk if that really counts. :p there were a lot of books i wanted to read with the free time that i finally had, so i’m pretty disappointed that i didn’t. hope i’ll be able to make this more of a priority in my life now that i’m technically single, though :) 

[elusivexo]

life lessons of 2019

oof, this is long! my effort to sum up some of the biggest life lessons i’ve learned this year. tbh most of them were lessons towards the end of my relationship, and although i’m disappointed it took me so long to learn them, i’m thankful that i had the time and space to do so this year in arkansas.

conflict resolution style - as a naturally conflict-avoidant person, i’ve tried really hard to be more confrontational and direct in the last few years. it was something i loved about raymond, and i sought to be more like him. it took me an agonizingly long time, however, to understand the root of my conflict avoidance. it’s not that i sweep conflict under the rug; instead, i internalize it and try really hard to figure out how i can make peace with it, or think critically about what i can do to address it - all without involving the other person. i only involve the other person when i feel that i’ve done all that i can on my own.

commitment vs love - i didn’t fully understand that these were two separate concepts, and i conflated the two because i took both of them to be intentional and crucial to a relationship. i realized that although i love easily and generously, i am much more cautious about committing because i have trust issues. i thought that i would be ready to commit once i had enough love, but i didn’t realize that it requires a leap of faith.

freezing as trauma response - i’ve always learned that the two responses were fight or flight; i really had no idea that freezing was one, too. and so i’ve always been deeply ashamed by things i’ve done in my frozen acquiescence, terrified and uncomfortable and wishing i were somewhere else. i felt guilty that i didn’t fight or flee, and i couldn’t understand why i was complicit when i so did not want to be there. learning this gave me the ability to forgive myself.

accommodation - this isn’t technically a new life lesson because when i go through my tumblr entries post-dan, i realized the exact same thing happened. in a way, accommodation is a love language for me; the more i love someone, the more i self-sacrifice to accommodate their desires. because i don’t voice what i’ve given up, it’s easy to lose myself. i think it’s important to have this in a relationship, but i also don’t think the way i go about it is quite healthy.

self-love - in the last few years, i let someone else determine my self-worth. i started thinking of myself as a loser and my hobbies as lame, because i was told so repeatedly. even now, i catch myself making self-deprecating comments until i realize that no, this is who i am and i shouldn’t be ashamed of what i love.

body image - similarly, i’ve never had body image issues before the last few years. in a twisted way, i’m glad that it kickstarted my fitness journey, but i do wish that i didn’t have to disentangle my desire to be strong and healthy from an obsession with waist and tummy size. i have to constantly remind myself that it’s natural for my abdomen to expand after meals, and that i’m not gross just because there’s a bulge.

trusting God’s plans - God really tested my faith this year when everything got overturned, but i am perfectly happy to rest in Him. how can i doubt His goodness when He has responded so mercifully and thoughtfully to my every heartache?

bending morals/boundaries - in the name of love and accommodation, i forced myself to question morals i shouldn’t have questioned and crossed boundaries i shouldn’t have crossed. i realize that i need to have a firmer stance on what i value, and to not budge on those.

physical discipline - i’ve never been physically disciplined, and i didn’t think i ever could be. i’ve currently been working out every day for 6+ months, and i’ve skipped workouts <10 times so far (due to traveling, cooking all day, 24 hour call, etc). it’s really gratifying to be able to do something i never thought i could.

solo traveling - after the last few years, i started to think that maybe i didn’t enjoy traveling after all, and that i was a really dumb traveler with stupid desires. i’ve never traveled alone before this year, and i had an absolutely amazing time in tokyo on my own. it helps that tokyo is incredibly amenable to introverts, but it was also just really lovely to enjoy time alone.

[elusivexo]

discoveries of 2019

piedmontese beef - i’ve never heard of this kind of cow until i came to arkansas, and it’s so interesting that this genetic disorder of muscular hypertrophy causes the cow to have less fat and more tender meat! i’ve been eating this exclusively and it’s pretty awesome that i can get such good quality beef for so cheap :) 

indomie mee goreng - my roommate declared this to be his favorite ramen and bought a whole box. well … i tried one the other day and i ate it three days in a row because i was so addicted. LOL. i need to try the real mee goreng :p 

purple rice - i’ll probably be eating this almost exclusively for a while since it’s a high-fiber, nuttier, healthier version of white rice. it’s super filling so i only eat ¼ cup and it satisfies my craving for carbs! i also poop most of it out so it makes me feel good :p 

yoga with adriene - i loved yoga in bryant park, but i never really got into doing yoga otherwise because i felt so self-conscious and i’m so incredibly inflexible. also i get tired after a whole hour. :p so i love that i can do her 30-40 minute yoga seshes :D 

strength training - i was first inspired by sue last year, i think, but i never did anything about it; started seeing abgs on instagram doing strength training and then raymond finally got me onto bodybuilding.com LOL. i love doing this SO MUCH MORE than cardio, and it’s been really great because i have always been atrociously weak. this is a big part of why i can work out regularly now :D 

makeup/false lashes - i definitely discovered contouring and false lashes ages ago, but i only started learning how to do it more comfortably after watching some youtube videos and buying a bunch of different false lashes. :) 

steam (overcooked, scythe) - i actually haven’t used this this much, but it’s really cool to know that i can play board games with friends online! 

the vessel - so cool to see such a large structure go up in nyc - and also the resulting hudson yards development. it definitely feels momentous, like when the upper east side Q line opened. :) and of course i love peach mart next door :p 

paradise & grace - raymond found me this band that is the perfect blend of my two favorite music categories: edm and contemporary christian music. they even have a cover of oceans, which is hands down one of my favorite christian songs ever. 

electric wok/air fryer - new kitchenware! i LOVE the electric wok and i have to think very carefully whether or not i should invest in one in nyc due to limited counter space. also air fryer - my roommate JUST got us one, but there’s already so much potential (dumplings, lumpia, seafood, veggies, etc). 

[elusivexo]

empty

I woke up next to you this morning, and a wave of loneliness swept through me as I involuntarily rested my head on your shoulder. You looked so innocent and kind, and for a split second I could believe that we could actually be something together. I remember those early weeks of giddy excitement and cautious hope; you were everything that I wanted so desperately but didn’t have in my last relationship. Everything crashed when I met you in person, however, and I knew with utter finality that we had no future. 

I’m not sure what exactly made me gave in when you casually suggested dropping by on your drive down from Ohio to Houston a few days ago: a strange mixture of emotions - overwhelming grief that sought any distraction, curiosity about your intentions, desire for closure, horror that you would be driving over a thousand miles straight otherwise, and a childish wish for comfort through physical intimacy. I don’t know if you had orchestrated this all along, but I don’t care anymore. 

I had planned a simple night of companionship after work - going to the gym, dinner at home, and Wingspan before bed. You had other plans. When you suggested watching a stand-up comedian on Netflix, my heart clenched but I agreed. More than anything else last night, the act of casually cuddling while laughing through the shared experience made me feel hollow inside. This was a facsimile of a relationship, and it was starkly clear that there was absolutely nothing binding us together. 

“Thanks for being a good host,” you said at the door. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again.” I don’t think you ever will, but thank you for pretending with me last night. I wouldn’t do it again, but it did keep some of the darkness away. 

[elusivexo]

new/reconnected friends of 2019

i’ve actually met a lot of new people this year, but i’m most grateful for the opportunity to have reconnected with people who meant a lot to me at one point in life (and honestly, continue to mean a lot to me). weirdly there are 3 people from baltimore on this list LOL and two of them offered me guest rooms to stay in so ... i will probs be visiting baltimore more haha. 

melody (arizona) - i last talked to melody right before we both started dental/med school, and we kept trying to find a time to catch up but our exam schedules never aligned and we just fell out of touch. it was so lovely to catch up with this beautiful girl whose heart of hospitality has inspired me so much. 

victoria (baltimore) - even though we lived a few blocks from each other all our lives, i was too intimidated by this beautiful, chill, smart girl. i finally got to be friends with her in the year i came back from college, and i was both happy and sad when she ended up moving to baltimore with her husband. we hadn’t talked in almost four years, but it was amazing to reconnect and hear about her heart for God and social work. 

xuan (baltimore) - we got super close senior year of college, but we’ve fallen in and out of touch since then; we reconnected recently when he was about to start residency in nyc. thankful for this friend who got me through one of the darkest times of my life. 

david (sf) - we last talked almost five years ago when we met up in SF, and it was incredibly surreal to meet up with this person who ensnared me completely. it was really reassuring to see that he was actually a very normal person and i was just kinda crazy back then LOL. hanging out was super natural and reminded me that there actually are a lot of compatible people out there; there isn’t just one person out there to forge my path with. 

husnia (searcy) - so, so grateful for this inspiring, down-to-earth, hospitable, and kind mother of two who is my age and always down to hang out. my life in searcy would definitely be much dimmer without her. who knew i’d find such a kindred spirit out in the middle of nowhere? 

SAC (SF, philly) + alan (nyc) - i’ve made a bunch of friends through SAC this year, and it is absolutely delightful to have friends who i can gush about cooking with and ask for advice. so inspiring and fun! also threw in alan in here LOL because he has been a super fun food exploring friend to have (who also uses my egg yolks, yesss). 

kevin & shelley (houston) - i haven’t seen kevin since he got engaged to shelley in nyc, and i only saw shelley briefly at our july fourth party two years ago. it was so lovely being welcomed so hospitably and to spend an entire weekend hanging out with them; if they lived in nyc, i would absolutely be hanging out with them all the time. definitely bittersweet to have friends scattered across the country. 

yurie (isehara) - totally did not expect to make a japanese friend who is so kind, mature, chill, and as food-crazy as i am. it’s surreal to think that i only knew her for three weeks (!) and yet we clicked so fast and so well. 

alice (seattle) - got a random text from alice a few weeks ago, who i last talked to when she visited nyc randomly and then probably pathways (2010) before that :O it was surprisingly healing to talk to her about our relationships and being single. 

bill (baltimore) - bill was one of my first friends at duke; he saw me on the bus and asked if i was the one always falling asleep in class LOL. i haven’t really talked to him since we graduated, but it was so wonderful meeting his wife and clicking right back where we left off.