emerald2bro

[emerald2bro]

(opening the author’s works page after finishing a fic) and if im lucky they’ll have written this exact same fic but different a bunch more times

[emerald2bro]

that's gonna ruin your day

[emerald2bro]

I love that I share my house with one of the most efficient apex predators millions of years of evolution could produce. I love that two of nature’s most prolific machines met and were like “hmmm. We should lay around and do nothing together”. Now we’re both fat and happy and full of meat. The hedonism of it all

[emerald2bro]

just remembered when i posted like "crazy how nobody in history has ever stolen food and nobodys ever seen it happen because it never has and if you thought you saw it happen no you didnt" and somebody replied like "uhhh actually yes they do. i worked in a grocery store i think i would know". that was embarrassing. how could somebody be so wrong. i dont know what they think they saw but nobody has ever stolen food so it cant have been that

[emerald2bro]

some of you aren’t even perverts you just have normal sexual desires that you are ashamed of

[emerald2bro]

they say ch 3 is gonna be a real

[emerald2bro]

kris. buddy im gonna need you to work with me here. we need to make this happen for you

[emerald2bro]

"This fic is literally just porn, why do you care about the quality of the editing" unfortunately, both my brain and my dick have strong opinions about verb tenses.

[emerald2bro]

Yuri shippers: *ignoring the nominal protagonist to ship his various designated love interests with each other*

Nominal protagonist: *actually has a halfway-interesting deal for once*

Yuri shippers:

Yuri shippers: We have a proposal.

[emerald2bro]

[emerald2bro]

Girl when I tell you my life flashed before my eyes

[emerald2bro]

I have to disagree

[emerald2bro]

i love when ppl draw elias bouchard wearing like anachronistic ass emerald green waistcoats and a monocle in their fanart bc it makes s1 so much funnier to think about. like you know what? yeah actually if i was jonathan sims and my fucking freak of a boss dressed like that and did an evil monologue voice at all times and paid me to read ghost stories in his basement all day, i would also probably be like "yeah this is a deeply unserious job and i am the only normal person here. sick paycheck tho" and then clock the fuck out without ever thinking about those fuckass statements again!! like what are we dunking on him for!! who would chalk that up to anything other than "my weirdass boss has clearly taken his eccentric edwardian magician LARP too far but goddamn if that check doesn't come in every month"

[emerald2bro]

their polyamorous swag

[emerald2bro]

season 1: I'm Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of Magnus Institute, London. My professional opinion is that this is all horseshit and everyone that isn't me needs psychiatric help. Statement ends.

season 2: Supplemental: God lives inside the printer and he keeps telling me my assistants are murderers. I am inclined to believe him based on the fact that Martin told to have a nice day. Innately suspicious behavior.

season 3: My only friends are my ex-girlfriend, her cat, and the many scars I've gotten from various monsters and fear cultists.

season 4: You know, just being socially adept would solve a lot of my problems. Unfortunately, I was traumatized so thoroughly by age eight that I learned the best way to make friends is to blink at them slowly until they get the idea. This does not work when your evil patron god uses eyeballs to devour fear.

season 5: Either Jonah Magnus tells us where he took all the good cows, or my boyfriend and I bash his head in with a lead crowbar. It's his choice.