emilytudor10 - Tumblr blog

[emilytudor10]

“Last night I had a dream about you…Well us. After I woke up I couldn’t tell if I was more happy or heartbroken over the fact that I got to see you again. I miss you, I miss us but I know I have to let you go. So if I see you in my dreams again tonight I will pretend I don’t know you even though you hold every piece of me.”

[emilytudor10]

Letting go,

Sure maybe it’s just 9 letters, 3 vowels and two words put together but in my experience letting go is one of the most painful thing a human can experience. Breaking your leg hurts, scraping your knee hurts, and being left out hurts, but in my option iv felt all three of those things and nothing prepared me for the pain of letting go of somebody who made me feel like living was one of the best things to exist. How can one minute this person is your everything and one second later, they are just gone…A stranger. A stranger with so many memories and somebody who holds all your secrets who you wouldn’t even tell your best friend because you thought they were your best friend. Sure, Letting go may just be 9 letters 3 vowels and two words put together, But in my opinion it’s like hell on earth being stuck with these broken pieces. Nothing happened in the way I wanted, every corner of this house is haunted with your presence.

[emilytudor10]

Love doesn’t make you question, it doesn’t make you feel lost and it doesn’t drain you. It doesn’t make you question the future or make you lay in bed at night not knowing how to feel, it Isn’t emptiness while you lay in bed awake.

Love is supposed makes you feel safe, secure, like you’re on cloud nine but instead you’re stuck inside this hell of a place thats called your head while your heart feels empty.

Sometimes it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone, I know…Easier said than done especially if you still love this person. But imagine yourself 10 years from now. Would you want to be where you are at now or would you want to be happy and not feel this emptiness anymore that’s slowly killing you.

My darling, it’s okay to walk away even when it’s going to hurt. You should never feel guilty for letting go of a relationship or friendship that does not serve you purpose anymore.

[emilytudor10]

I want to be the kind of pretty where you catch people staring at you and you think they are judging you but in reality they think you are beautiful

I want to be the kind of pretty where people walk up to you all the time and tell you you’re beautiful while you’re shopping at the plaza.

I want to be the kind of pretty where you don’t need makeup or fancy face washes to look the way you do, it just comes naturally

I want to be the kind of pretty where you don’t have to hide who you are to feel accepted.

I want to be the kind of pretty where it doesn’t hurt when I look in the mirror

I want to be the kind of pretty…

[emilytudor10]

Do you still think of me?

Do you still think of me if my old ringtone would play in the supermarket, like when I heard yours an hour ago?

Do you still think of me when somebody else’s lips are on yours like mine use to be, a soaked red wine kiss?

Do you still think of me when you’re stopped at a red light when that was our time to give each other a kiss?

Do you still think of me when our wedding song comes on the radio or do you shut it off, like how I did because I was sick to my stomach.

Do you still think of me when you come across someone with the name we had picked out for our future child?

Do you still think of me when somebody rubs your cheek the way I rubbed yours with such love, or do I just skip your mind.

Do you still think of me when you come across a new food you think I would like just like I thought of you the other day?

Do you still think of me when you see the color purple?

Do you still think of me when you wake up and the side or the bed is empty and cold with nobody to hold?

Do you still think of me when you see the same model of my car driving down the road with the same loud muffler, hoping just maybe it’s me?

Do you miss me…like I miss you?

Tell me…Do you still think of me?

[emilytudor10]

How do you know if you’re making the right decision…

You don’t, sometimes you just have to trust the universe to work out.

The universe works in unique ways sometimes…It does things to us that we sometimes simply do not understand. Sometimes it will make us cry, scream into your pillow and wonder what you ever did to deserve this type of pain when you have a heart of gold. I know it doesn’t make sense right now, nothing does. You ask yourself why?

[emilytudor10]

To the next girl that gets to love him…

Don’t walk away during an argument, he hates that. He likes his coffee black and doesn’t like to buy most generic brands. He will love you deeply and passionately and will give you his all. He can be hard headed sometimes but that’s what makes him…unique he doesn’t take no for an answer unless it’s you. He is a mystery with a dark past but wants a bright future. I’m sorry you have to fix a heart you didn’t break, that was my mistake.. a mistake I paid for and lost everything to me. His goofy side is really something so special nobody else really sees. He will make you laugh when your sad and will do anything in his power to make sure you’re happy again. That’s one thing I took for granted unfortunately. Please give him patience when he’s upset…HE WILL OUTSMART YOU, and he loves to be right even when he’s wrong… like I said he’s hard headed. His soft side is so loving and unique. He will love you in his own way. Please love him the I way I never learned and could. You’re so lucky to have him. Thank you for loving him.

[emilytudor10]

It’s come to realization that the man I love is slowly falling out of love with me. I can’t help but blame myself. I’m hard to love and all I ever seem to do is hurt the people I love. This man is my everything even if I don’t always show it the way he deserves to be shown. He deserves more than I could have ever given him and I’m selfish that I want him for myself. He deserves the world. I don’t deserve him. His patience, his kindness, his compassion, the way he loves me in his own way. I can’t help but wish he was with somebody else that can show him what I seem to can’t. I know one day he will finnally have enough of it and leave and there will be no one to blame but myself. I lost the most amazing thing In my life, it’s okay though, I deserve it. I know one day this boy will meet someone who will love him like he’s never been loved before. Something I could never seem to give him. I tried and tried to work on myself but I can’t seem to fix what’s broken inside me. What I put this boy through I will never forgive myself. I hurt the person I love the most in the world. I don’t know why I am the way that I am. Selfish and never good enough. I know one day I will loose the one thing that made me found when I was lost and see him move on with somebody who deserves him. A perfect body, tattoos, piercings, somebody who can be touched in water without panicking. I’m sorry I always seem to hurt you. I don’t mean to…It’s just all I have ever known and grown up with and I don’t know how to fix it.

[emilytudor10]

You get the call “You’re going to be an aunt.” My heart suddenly sinks and all I can feel is anger. Why am I feeling this way? I should be happy! I’m gonna be an aunt!!! The only thing I can feel is hurt and sadness and I feel horrible for it. I wanted to be the one who told my mom she was going to be a grandma first. All these fertility problems suck.. I just want things to get better. I feel like I’m never gonna experience being pregnant or having my own baby. Why me?

[emilytudor10]

Homesick, what does it really mean? Is it missing going to the living room and seeing your family? Is it missing home cooked meals? Is it missing the way home made you feel? Being homesick in my opinion is missing waking up everyday and knowing you’ll get to see your mom. It’s missing getting to go places with your family and not having much responsibility. Being homesick sucks. I love being Married but sometimes it’s hard. Nobody really prepares you for how hard life can be sometimes or how lonely it can be. Being a kid I always wanted to grow up, get married and move away. But now, I don’t think that’s the case for me. I miss the way Holidays made me feel. Right now, life is a little messy. I know things will fall into place eventually. I just wish I could go home and turn back time sometimes.

[emilytudor10]

To my angel baby❤️

Dear Micheal Frye,

We may have not known eachother for to long but you were so loved. I may have only known I was pregnant with you for a month or so, but once I found out me and dad were so ecstatic. I pictured you with blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. I’m sorry my body failed you. You deserved so much more. Your due date was last month and it was rough. I should be holding you In my arms. Not mourning you. I love you sweet baby. 💕 This isn’t goodbye, but simply see you later.

[emilytudor10]

Ever since I was little, I always pictured when I was married we would have a nice house, good jobs, and everything would feel okay. But lately things haven’t felt okay. Being flat broke, working at a gas station making 10 an hour at the job I hate, feeling like a shitty person for not wanting to stay and they won’t get their bonus for me referring them. Life is just blank and bland right now. The same thing everyday. When will life feel okay again? When will this depression go away? When will life feel exciting again? When will I start enjoying life and be my happy self again? When can I finally know I will be okay without drugs and alcohol and not have to escape reality? When will my body do what it’s susposed to and give me a baby? All these questions and no answers. Iv reached an all time low. I dont know what I’m doing with my life. Iv feel Iv failed at so many things. A daughter, a wife, a friend and a person. Iv always pictured myself in college making something of myself. I know I have disappointed so many people and many probably think of me as a bum. Doing drugs and alcohol makes everything feel okay and I feel happy for once. I wish I could just get out of my head some days. Iv let myself go in so many ways. Iv hurt so many people and let so many people hurt me. I feel like nobody understands or will ever understand how I feel some days. I’m just tired…

[emilytudor10]

Wednesday September 15 2021,

Today was a little rough, I took Sheylee to do her baby regestry and get her little gift for her baby. It was hard looking at all the little clothes and diapers and baby items. I just want the pain to stop. When does it get easier? When will I have my precious baby.. It feels so far away. Why did god let everyone else have a baby before us.. I understand I make a lot of mistakes.. It’s like he wants to punish me or something. Iv prayed and prayed and prayed and it’s like he doesn’t even hear me. It hurts so bad and I just want it to stop. I want to wake up and not think about it and I want to feel me again. I’m tired of crying over this and I’m tired of being tired. I just wanna feel okay.

[emilytudor10]

Saturday. 9/11/21,

I’m laying in bed currently at 9:50PM feeling absolutely drained from all the crying from wanting a baby. I woke up today and took a pregnancy test and of course it was negitive.. I mean what was I expecting..? Of course it would be. I took Sheylee to her ultrasound yesterday and Lexy just asked me to help her with her gender reveal. I’m happy and excited for them, but it’s just hard when you want it to be you so bad. You wish you could schedule your doctors appointment for your pregnancy or go shopping for your precious child growing inside you. When does the pain go away..? Today I saw a pregnant woman walking and target and I realized no matter how hard I try to forget, I won’t be able to because of real life and when you have friends who are expecting. I’m so tired of crying over this. It shouldn’t be this hard to have a baby… I just want my little miracle. I just want to experience my child growing, the baby shopping and being excited to be called mom. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this then I should be… but it just hurts so bad seeing everyone I care about either pregnant or have kids. My body is failing me and I don’t know why.. Iv prayed and prayed for a second line.. but it never happens. I’m just so tired…It’s hard waiting for something you know may never happen, but you still have that little bit of hope. That little bit of hope before you look at the pregnancy test that there will be a second line, but you look and there’s only one line and your whole day is ruined.

[emilytudor10]

To my future child,

Just know you are so loved. I can’t wait to feel your heartbeat when I lay you on my chest, see your first steps, hear you say mama for the first time and watch you grow more and more everyday. I have always wanted to be called mommy, but right now it seems so far away. I know your sibling in heaven hand picked you and will always watch over me and you. I wonder if you’ll have blonde or brown hair, green or blue eyes, will you be tall or short? All I know is that I can’t wait to meet you and love you. I can’t wait to feel your little kicks In my tummy and feel you move. I can’t wait to see you in my first ultrasound and call you my baby forever. I promise I will never leave your side and to always have your back. Life will be hard at times and we may not always see eye to eye, but I can promise you I will always have your back and you will never be alone. As I’m writing this right now, it’s one of the hardest chapters of my life. All of my friends either have babies or they are pregnant. It’s really hard. I remember Sheylee wanted to take another pregnancy test and I had some stocked away and she took one and I took one and hers came back super positive and mine came back super negative. It broke me inside but I hid it and acted really happy for her. I keep hoping that pregnancy test turns into a positive. I lost your sibling when I was 19. I was so excited when I found out. After the loss, we were crushed. Me and dad decided to name him Micheal. We always saw him as a boy. Seeing almost everyone I know either pregnant or with kids. Really tears me apart inside. I write to cope. Music is an escape for me. Right now life is really messy and I just hope things get better soon.

Love, mom. ❤️

[emilytudor10]

“One of the most painful things I have ever experienced is watching all my friends get pregnant while having trouble. I try to be happy for them but it’s so god damn hard. You help them celebrate while hiding the fact you’re dying inside to be a mother. When is it gonna be my turn? So many mothers complain about stretch marks, or how the baby kept them up all night or how their toddler got into some paint. Meanwhile you would kill to have those stretch marks or those precious moments. To deal with the pain you try to be numb or keep yourself busy to distract yourself from the pain of urning to be called mommy. You ask yourself, what’s wrong with me? Why me? I always dreamed of being the best mom. Watching my babies grow in my tummy, watching them grow outside the tummy. Hearing them say mama for the first time. Even though I lost one of my babies early on they are still my baby. And you think about them everyday. What they would look like, be like, talk like, and become. Would they look more like me or their dad. Would they have brown or strawberry blonde hair? Blue or green eyes? Maybe one day will be my time, maybe not. But I do know one thing, if I get my rainbow baby they will be so loved and I will be the best mom I can possibly be.”

To My rainbow baby, just know I love you so much and I hope I get to meet you sometime soon. I promise to always support you and help you fight your battles when you’re older. I promise you will never face anything alone. I promise to be there when you fall off the bike the first time and to fix your broken heart from that boy/girl you met when you were 16. I will always be here to talk when you feel alone and helpless. We all make mistakes and we are all human. I may not always like what you will do but I will always support you and have your back. I have always loved you and I can’t wait to meet you someday. - Love, Mom. ❤️

[emilytudor10]

“ The way his fingers interlock with yours while you’re seeing so many visuals is so incredible. “I’m so into you into you into you” he sings as he traces my finger tips across my skin and Does his unique and special finger dance to the music across my damaged skin feels so right. He says to me “I have never felt this way with anyone else before and goes on and describes about how much he thinks I am gorgeous, of course I don’t believe him and maybe I never will but looking at him makes me feel home. His smile, his special ways of making me smile and taking care of me. The lip bites, the endless kisses that feel like our lips were made for eachother. When he is gone I ache for this. Him. His embrace. The way the room lights up with all the different shapes and colors but your only focus is on him. His laugh, his every breath and every I love you. Nothing is more priceless than those moments together. It brings us into something so unique and special that we can call our own little universe. I’m so madly and deeply in love with this man. He is my sky full of stars.❤️”