emmaistryingherbest

[emmaistryingherbest]

may 2nd 2020

i just can’t wait for uni. holy shit.

to be surrounded by people who are passionate about the same things as you! freedom! a new country with lots of new things to discover! to read! to learn! to finally control your education! man, i’ll finally be somewhere i can improve myself.

fuck. i cant wait.

i have to go study greek and finish the book christiane f. now.

cya!

[emmaistryingherbest]

apr 26th

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLq5N_pVtVaoPI3TEPZcNf2f9jVOxxJR3I

i decided to start journaling like this, so when i move out its easier for me to carry my past with me. so... im trying to fix my sleeping schedule but its 4.28 am in nicosia right now so its arguable if im doing a great job. i discovered a new brazilian artist, named yonlu, who killed himself at 16. i was reading his story and then listening to his songs, and something about it just killed me. knowing that he was feeling that way while writing those songs, knowing exactly what he feels like... or maybe i dont know what he feels like. i dont even know anymore.

im learning portuguese and greek right now, my dear blog. theyre both very hard and nothing like turkish, which is ok, because i wouldn’t want them to be like turkish anyway. but its just making them harder to learn for me.

its almost like theres been a war inside my head for a time now. do i starve myself? do i not? do i just drop everything and run away from home? do i just not get out of bed, smoke instead of eating and never ever touch a book again? the other day it was 23rd of april... the founding date of republic of turkey. was a very hard day for me, to say the least. i felt like screaming the whole day. i would go downstairs, look at the tv and boom, there would be a bunch of kids from trnc (!) dancing on tv. and it would be from a tacky 90s show. i just hated all of it. and that night i cried while talking to arife. she was talking about how some greek speaking cypriots she hugged and slept with were putting up racist captions on instagram. 

and um... i just dont feel like this body is mine and its not because im ugly. at least not anymore. its because of my environment. look.. this body when im in some bathroom in strasbourg is absolutely stunning. when im on some other place on earth, away from my problems, this body suddenly starts looking much nicer than it does right now. my issues with my body comes from me being paranoid about not being able to control whats happening around me. but when im away i feel safe and even more at home.

i also started exercising on quarantine. i should definitely do it more often but because most days i started waking up at 4 pm its impossible for me to do so because i dont feel like showering at 8 pm and i feel like shit by that time.

with portuguese... i started to become really passionate about the culture in brazil and my god, i even emailed the brazlian embassy of nicosia. havent got an answer back yet but i basically asked about the higher education there. maybe i’ll study in south america, who knows? im trying to expose myself to the language as much as possible. im trying to think of how i learnt english, i think my blog emelia could help me because thats when i was exposing myself to english for the first time. ill check it out right now to see how i was doing it

 couldnt find it but hey, maybe its better for me since the last time i did i found a post i wrote when i was 9 talking about killing myself.

its 5.35. goodnight?