emobuzzlightyear

[emobuzzlightyear]

Entry #3

Hello nobody. I felt like typing although I don't actually have anything to say. I was watching videos of this guy surprising people by speaking their native tongue fluently.

It was actually pretty neat, but his accent came through in the few times he spoke Spanish. I'm very particular and passionate about learning the language.

What's blowing my mind is they're saying they're learning these in a couple months and weeks. How the fuck are you doing that in such a short amount of time? Like, do you not work or anything you just fall into this void of languages? I wish I had that kind of brain power. But I got ADHD :)

Took more gummies. I'm just bored today. I played some games, watched those videos, did some chores, crosswords. Now that I think about it maybe I'm just overwhelmed with choice? What do I know.

Guess I'll watch gaming videos or whatever feels interesting once it hits and do nothing. I have to have everything planned out before I can start a project and these activities are quicker to persue.

I don't really laugh, I have to be fucked up or with someone to laugh, otherwise I'm just blankly staring at the TV. It's funny cuz my sister asked once why I watch TV like that or if I even enjoy the show lmao I don't remember but it was similar to that and I had to explain yes, I like what I'm watching. I'm internally laughing. However, my expression is very flat and long.

My brain just goes into this numb mode of like, shut it off for a while and don't use it so I can bear with the existence of living.

I got nothing to day, and I want to lay down in my bed that's literally never comfortable.

Adiós

5/03/25

[emobuzzlightyear]

Entry #2

It's nearly one am, I had a gummy and fell asleep.

My soul feels like rock bottom. I am never fulfilled, never entertained, never invested; at least not to the extent I think I should feel.

I have this block and it's been known for quite some time now, years. Years of having ideas of doing shit but not actually doing them. Same energy for other things. Like, Crash Bandicoot? Hardly touch the game but damn I can't get that little bugger off my mind. It's fun! But there are some weeks we don't even see each other.

I thought maybe if I document my shit in photos it'll be easier? Something to look back on of videos of my crafts and music, photos, tutorials for just myself and that'll be enough?

I'm not too sure, I've had this feeling I'm having right now before-hopeful, inspired, excited.

I'll lose it, but a girl can dream.

I'm desperately trying to find myself.

This is difficult. Hmpfh.

Anyway, I hope I'll keep with it. Photographic evidence of stuff I like. This is who I am. I want to make this. Here's a photo of some knack I made, and it's not in my phone storage so that works, too.

I'm just tired of disappointing myself with unfulfilled ideas. I want to do things but like, I don't. I want to do this but it's so hard to do it or it's not appealing to me right now-do I actually like it or am I lying to myself?

I don't let myself fail. I saw this quote either today or yesterday I can't quite remember, but it's of this person that's saying maybe they aren't actually afraid of unfulfilled potential, what they're afraid of is realizing that they don't have as much to offer as they thought. Rings true in my brain.

I also went over to a friend's today. She had four books of art and it was very unique. She has a beautiful style, with the thin lines and the lashes of her stuff. She's very talented. I saw a photo of her ex-girlfriend and oddly I felt something about her. She has the looks that make sense with what I heard about her. Like, it all clicked like, "yeah, I can see that."

But I think maybe I was jealous? This piece of shit got to have you, why can't I? I'm scared I wouldn't be a good girlfriend to her. I want to see her visibly relax with me. I want to feel her skin and how soft it is. I'd be a terrible partner, and it sucks knowing I wouldn't be best for her. But she can still be my friend.

You know, another thing I find odd are wants. What does it even feel like to want something? I only notice when it's loud and impulsive, but long term wants and stuff that takes time to get? It's like it gets boring too fast because I'm not immediately gratified. Because when I saw I want her, she needs a code name. Jacaí. Hell yeah. When I saw I want Jacaí, it's not desperate. It's not immediate like I feel like it's now or never. It feels, dull. I'm willing to wait, but it will not last. I've done this before, "I don't like them that much, I'm kind of confused. There's something but it's not a crush," to, " Wow, you're so beautiful. I can see us being together and I imagined scenarios, however maybe we could be?" to, "You're okay. It never would have worked anyway. In fact, you're not that great honestly lol."

Case in point why I'd be a bad girlfriend. I'm just mean. I'm too picky and expectant. I don't want to take care of you. I'm distant. I like you enough but I'm just a dulled out shell I don't really know what to say about that. Interestingly I don't feel enough.

But like idek if I'm going to develop a crush on her or more of one. I never had a crush on a girl, I'm seeing them differently, man aren't they gorgeous? Jacaí is beautiful, however I'm not swooning. I haven't seriously considered myself being gay. Maybe mom was right. Too bad I still like men r.i.p.

Well this was my jotting until I could go back to bed. Got shit to do tomorrow. Tomorrow's another day. Let's see if I will make these dulled out "wants" idek into something real. Ugh I feel so fucking boring like why can't it just be bam bam omg.

I guess bye.

5/03/25

[emobuzzlightyear]

Entry #1

Hey. So, I think I might do an online journal instead of a physical one? I'm not sure. I want to start posting shit w fashion and whatnot but as I'm already aware, I make NO money and my undiagnosed ADD is beating my ass rn.

2/28/25