emodaysdontend

[emodaysdontend]

I hate this. Every fucking time. It feels like my heart is torn out of my chest. Everytime.

[emodaysdontend]

I don't really know where we stand. I want to interact with you more but you might not was to. So, space is the best thing I can do for now. If you aren't really wanting to talk but you are reaching out because of my dumb ass emo discord Updates then, I'll stop those. I don't really know how to feel, but I feel sad as fuck. I've been trying to smile but it's not working. Something help but not for long. I feel delusional though because I talk about "we" like there is a we...there isn't. You said you were done but I'm still holding on...to I don't even know what. I can't let go and my heart just hurts...and wants and I can't stop crying everyday or waking up at night. At the same time I feel really fucking stupid and foolish if it's only one way...I'd like to think its not but..I don't know...I really don't. I don't think our connection is just something that would just be gone and I don't think it is but ...I hope you come back or take me back. I'm glad you're doing good and if you're better off without me..then...I just have to accept that...but I physically cant...

[emodaysdontend]

Anger and sadness

Yesterday was nice, I was able to watch Love is Blind at work with Amanda, which was a blast. I brought popcorn and she gifted me some golden cups from the show which was awesome. I made strawberries for everyone at work, mainly for Justin,Jaime Amanda, Benita,Jonathan and Mexican Ally. I made personalized one for Jamie,Amanda and Benita. Benita was having a hell of a rough week with bf troubles and work troubles. Me feelings wise, I can't get out of this daze or gloss over in my eyes. I can smile and be friendly like usual but my eyes say Different, luckily people don't pay enough attention lol. I still have this constant sadness and sudden..panic attack-eque mini episodes for myself where I cry and hyperventilate...luckily I can pull it together to put my game face on. I got home and I was pretty tired. It's been rainy and just ugly outside,I was drenched. I got a special package from mymelody. She gifted it to me because she was proud of me for going to therapy. I knew it was coming but it was so awesome it came today...It made me really happy...I miss her alot..and I hope she's doing well...I gave it a huge hug. It's so cute!!! I wish I can say it's getting easier but it hasnt.. At night I was a jerk to my wife...I was just grouchy and it escalated to a bigger fight where I was about to slam my phone...but I knew I couldn't so...I just broke down on the floor instead...Lucas though it was his fault and comforted me...which was sweet

[emodaysdontend]

Therapy

Today I was sad. Lol what else is new. Of course my current situation has me extra down. And last night I would wake up...pathetically...I don't know really know what I expected...like ...it's really wierd...I dreamt of it... and I would wake up. Then I'd get a realization and just cry myself to sleep. The realization of...that they're better off with out me. That's probably the truth...and then it kind of just led to the thought that maybe that's why people tell you to go to therapy. So they don't have to deal with you. I always have a sense that I'm too much. I've been told that I play the victim,and I think that's true, typically I don't really say how I feel because I feel like I'm manipulative. Just in general saying my feelings doesn't always go right. I think I don't really know how to express myself correctly. My own thoughts betray me in my own head and it's a constant struggle within myself. I asked my wife,what was the goal for therapy, and she said it was a tool to help cope and deal with trauma and life...I asked why can't you do it with friends or loved ones, them help you deal with it..and she said...well maybe they are to close to you and also don't really know how to deal with that truama, they also don't have the tools to help completely. That made alot sense but today on the way from work all I felt was...just sadness and abandonment, these are probably irrational thoughts but it's how I felt. Going to therapy was my choice though...honestly I wanted to try to get better for you...but you're gone now...and I find is so hard to...just life. I can't stop myself from crying everyday since that day, from my heart beating fast and just tears instantly falling down my face, slightly hyperventilating and just...I can't..the days seem...empty, and you're in my thoughts constantly and I do is think of you...I wonder if you think of me...or where you even are...or how you feel...I hope we can find our way back to each other....but...everything is just so uncertain...maybe tomorrow will be better...but who even knows...I don't know how ill get over you or if I will. My heart,it aches so badly.