emodeer666

[emodeer666]

ok im normal now i was drunk and miserable and furious last night

i rlly rlly fought with the anti-depressants but i caved and took my dosage. 5mg this morning. i dont think anything rlly happened for like, a solid 3.5 hours. then i got extremely sleepy and felt a littlw nauseous, maybe? idk i was just like...heavy and unwell. then i got over the maybe nausea and i was still very sleepy, but i was just. like. happy? i guess i was happy.?

it's now been 9ish hours since i took my pill. i feel extremely normal. im normal and im still sleepy. maybe kinda dizzy or unfocused or smth. but im normal

this was the first time in my life ive ever taken a prescription drug. my own prescription drug ig i should say lol. all the other shit was above board tho. i abuse other substances but never prescription pills; me taking someone else's prescription was always for pain of some kind. always a legitimate reason

anyway im normal. also dr dx'd me with chronic back pain and im thinkin perhaps, doesn't that mean i cant call myself able-bodied? i am in constant physical pain that makes my life difficult. the dr agrees. that means i am a disabled person doesnt it?? i was so ready to be able to call myself a mentally ill person, a traumatized person, i didnt even think about this part of it

[emodeer666]

"what trauma??" this one you motherfucker. you vile, lying, manipulative, abusive fucking cunt. the one u gave to me. the shit you did to me. that trauma. that one. i have proof now. i have the diagnosis now. i have the meds now. took me 4 years but i fucking got it. eat fucking shit. you traumatized me. you were the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me and i am still terrified, all these years later. i am still watching myself, i am still censoring myself, i am still holding back to make sure you can't find me again. im regularly going thru and deleting any identifying information. anything that could lead u to me. doing the rounds, purging, cleaning. i do not feel safe. i am scared. i am still terrified.

also also btw btw i miss u so fucking muchhhh i want u back so fucking bad. i feel like a lovestruck 13 year old, this feels like a middleschool crush. i am nothing without you. i cannot get over you. i think of being in ur arms to fall asleep at night. god i wish you could just fucking see me now. my art has gotten so much better since u last saw it. i dress so nice these days. i have this fluffy, wavy hair. i have all these piercings and tattoos. im cuter than ive ever been. and it means jackfuckinshit bc u aren’t here to see it. i cannot get over u. i have never been as close to anyone as i am to you. i never will be. 4 yrs and i haven't made the slightest bit of progress. 4 yrs and i haven't even managed to make any good friends. i am uniquely miserable in that no one is as sad and desperate and lonely as i am. no one is missing anyone the way i am missing you.

[emodeer666]

point is ! the point is i have finally been prof-dx'ed and that is really fucking good. that is extremely good news for me. i don't have to flinch around the language anymore. i can finally just, like, Say that i am a traumatized person. i have trauma. i have undergone traumatic situations. no more guilt attached to these words. i can say i am anxious, i can say i'm having a depressive episode, i can say all that shit.

everyone else is and was always allowed to say this w/o a prof-dx btw i don't want this to be read as "lu doesn't support self-dx" bc i do. i just wasn't allowed to do it for myself. i'm simply built different (worse). i'm still seeking prof-dx for other things, this was only half the battle. but holy fuck it is a weight off my shoulders. i'm just...so relieved.

dr wrote me up a prescription for lexapro. i have pills sitting in my bathroom rn. i really don't even wanna take them. i wanted xanax or klonopin or smth. i wanted meds specifically for anxiety. i wanted strong shit. i didn't want fuckin anti-depressants. ik lexapro is for both depression and anxiety but i only want treatment for the latter. i am absolutelyyyyy mortified of anti-depressants. i am horrified at the thought of what these will do to my brain, to my body. seriously seriously if i start to gain weight i just— holy fuck. fuck i don't even wanna think abt that i can't even wrap my head around it

i'm suddebly reminded of how my mommy didn't gain any weight when she was pregnant w/ me bc of how abusive my father was to her. she couldn't eat anything. thats what she told me at least idk how true that is

[emodeer666]

alright xirlies. alright theydies. alright xoys. it's official. it's happened. i have been prof-dx'ed with ptsd, depression, and anxiety. my dr also thinks i have arfid???? and girl there ain't no way lmao i am willing to admit that possibly maybe perhaps potentially i have an eating disorder. like i spent 2 days starving myself before my appointment bc i figured i would be taken more seriously if i looked visibly, noticeably underweight. i could go on, there's like 28367236 other food-related things. but whatever's up with me, i very much extremely don't think it's arfid. i discussed my food issues very briefly before the professionals were like "hm. it's arfid" and i jusgjhjstysgsht. ok like. ok. listen.

the fact that i KNOW i don't have arfid makes me question the other diagnoses. makes me wanna take the whole psych evaluation over again with different drs. why the fuck do u guys think it's arfid. i googled this myself, i did the research after i saw y'alls notes bc i was like mAYBE i just don't know what arfid is. but i DID know what it was. and it is not what i told y'all. this does not accurately describe the issues i'm having. wtf is this

[emodeer666]

Isolation

[emodeer666]

People who have been dehumanized and go "fuck you, I'm a human no matter what you say" and people who have been dehumanized and go "fine then, I'm not a human and I'm happy with that" are equally awesome and should hold hands

[emodeer666]

butch

alison bechdel / leslie feinberg / nina nijsten / miriam zoila perez / tumblr user queermasculine / karleen pendleton jimènez

[emodeer666]

i started joking about eduardo being catholic but just blatantly refusing to admit he was catholic. he wears a rosary constantly tucked under his shirt. there are 3 crucifixes in his household. he and laurel have a christian wedding ceremony. but he is NOT christian. and look what its fuckingh done to me

[emodeer666]

pantheist? agnostic? christian except i actively despise God and i am going to slaughter Him with my bare hands?? this goth rosary i bought from hot topic on clearance is an inside joke between myself and Him

[emodeer666]

[emodeer666]

bible: angels are actually wheels of eyes and flames me: cool my mind visualising this:

[emodeer666]

of course you have religious trauma. and pronouns. sorry

if you have religious trauma you can cash it in for a discount at the pronouns store

[emodeer666]

"this work is problematic because of how it handles [subject]": reasonable premise for media criticism

"this work is problematic because it depicts [subject]": do not pass go do not collect $200 this is, as a general rule, a functionally reactionary and conservative argument

[emodeer666]

[emodeer666]

Hello friends, there's a dogwhistle I've seen used a couple times on tumblr that I want to discuss.

Fellow neurodivergents especially, please listen-- towards the end of this post I describe how some in our community have been using it without knowing what it means.

A fairly common antisemitic dogwhistle used amongst alt-right circles on the internet is being a "noticer," "noticing patterns," "pattern noticer," etc. I've seen this from a couple Tumblr blogs I follow reblogging memes and such that use this term but don't provide any context about what sorts of "things" they may be noticing.

Here's the meme that I saw a blog I'm following reblog last night.

Seems pretty harmless, right? It's a meme with a cute cat.

In alt-right circles, what they are referring to "noticing" is the conspiracy theory that Jews control the world/"noticing" evidence of an imagined globalist (read: Jewish) world order/etc. If you see a meme that uses terms like "noticing patterns" that doesn't elaborate what those supposed patterns are-- just leaves you to fill in the blank yourself-- take a look at the types of things OP might be posting. The alt-right has an idea that it's forbidden to talk about who might be behind the "conspiracies" they talk about (again, the target is frequently Jewish people) so lack of context is often a red flag.

I sent the blog who reblogged this an ask informing them that the meme was a dogwhistle. If you see someone reblog something like this, check what they've been posting. If this seems like an isolated incident, the person probably reblogged it not knowing what the term actually meant. That's why dogwhistles are so effective-- to the average person they look harmless if you don't know what to watch out for!

Let's take a look at how alt-righters use this term.

Here's an alt-right definition of it from Urban Dictionary.

Oh boy, this one gets a bigotry bingo for all the dogwhistles used here. If I miss any, feel free to comment. Here are the ones I found:

-Noseticing: Noticing plus nose, based on the stereotype for Jewish people to have large noses.

-"those who cannot be named"/skirting around saying Jew: again the idea that it's forbidden to talk about who they think is behind their conspiracy theories.

-"world events and agendas": idea that Jewish people have a Globalist agenda etc etc

-Degeneracy: Nazi term to describe the behaviors/people they find undesirable.

-Early life: refers to the section in a person's Wikipedia page. If a person was brought up Jewish, it'll usually say so there.

-Oy vey: a Jewish exclamation of exasperation that Nazis have unfortunately co-opted when talking about Jewish people.

Here's probably the most obviously antisemitic meme I found.

The title and first bullet point include the "noticer" term. This meme also talks about a "group" who controls wealth. Who might the poster be referring to here?

Here's a Twitter account with many similar alt-right terms. Explicitly identifies as a Nazi and ethno-nationalist, etc etc.

A couple other pages. I clicked on them to see if I could find any more examples but the first seemed pretty blank and the second... Well, I don't have a twitter so I couldn't view.

Let's unpack these a little. The first one has "13 outta 52," a statistic used among white supremacists to depict Black people (especially African-Americans) as "savage": 13 referring to the percentage of America that is Black and 52 referring to the alleged percentage of murders in the U.S. that are committed by Black people. "109 countries" refers to the idea that Jewish people have been expelled from 109 countries during history. (Which isn't entirely true. Some "countries" in this count are actually cities, regions, etc.) Some white supremacists may use the number 110 instead to suggest that it should happen again.

The second one has a blurb alleging a global sterilization effort and concerns of fertility. This is likely in connection to pro-natalism for white people. If Nazis want a so-called "Aryan nation," they're going to want white people to populate it, and so they encourage white people to have babies for their cause. Nazi Germany employed this tactic as well, even awarding "Aryan" German women who had four or more children for their contributions to the Nazi cause.

The reason why I'm emphasizing that context matters is that some neurodivergent people have seen this and co-opted it into neurodivergent circles. As a person who is Jewish and autistic, this is pretty alarming to me. I'll show a couple examples from Tumblr:

And

I've left out the URLs of the OPs because I want to give the benefit of the doubt-- they both explicitly refer to being a "pattern noticer" in terms of neurodivergence. And it's easy to see why introducing this term to ND folks would be an easy way to get a dogwhistle passed off as harmless! Since autistic people often have analytical minds, we often make connections that others might not be able to see. But unfortunately, using terms like this only makes it much easier for antisemites to fly under the radar.

Stay safe and let's keep Tumblr free of this shit.

[emodeer666]

yeehawgust day 8: patrolling the mojave!

[emodeer666]

free my girl ok she did all that but y'all are annoying about it