emptybraintime

[emptybraintime]

I think I'm the most hopeful of a future I have ever been

I have found somebody

And they are so deeply the other side of my puzzle

They fill me up so spectacularly with everything I have ever needed

Respect and kindness and love and empathy

I think, I might make it

I want to be with them, often and always

[emptybraintime]

from me. to me and to you.

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

"SURVIVING"

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

I don't think the kind of love I'm looking for exists anymore.

[emptybraintime]

I don't think I'll ever be fine

I still think I'm hanging by a thread

Like I'm one good traumic, anger inducing meltdown away from going absolutely batshit

I'm sick of feeling this way

I'm not okay

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

Okay okay okay

She certainly doesn't like you like that

Stop imagining being with her

Lasso yourself back to reality

You're ugly

And disgusting

And nobody will ever want you

You're a horrible excuse for a human being

You don't deserve to be alive

You're old and fucking disgusting to look at

You're fat and losing your hair and you're going grey

You have no money and no savings

Literally why would she choose to be with you?

Stupid useless cunt

[emptybraintime]

How abuse affects your friendships and relationships

Friendships/relationships

Abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Children of abusive parents are more likely to tolerate abusive friends

Abuse will make toxic friendship feels normal.

Abusive parents teach us to chase people whose love we think we can ‘earn’ or obtain by removing boundaries and suffering more abuse.

Abuse can trick you into believing you have to love people unconditionally even if they abuse you.

Abusive parents fails to teach you the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse makes us scrutinize our own actions and behaviours, but never others’.

Abuse will make you completely disregard subtle red flags in friendships.

Long term neglect can make us long for any kind of attention

Neglect makes us extra vulnerable to Love Bombing and Mirroring

Abuse makes us vulnerable to Future Faking.

Abuse makes us tolerate more pain than anyone normally would tolerate in a friendship/relationship.

Abuse can teach us that neglect, lack of positive attention and engagement, lack of consideration for our needs and wants, is normal and acceptable in our friendships and relationships, leading us to tolerate it.

Living in abuse and using fantasy and idealism to endure the reality, will encourage the development of Magical Thinking in adulthood.

Abuse makes us emotionally vulnerable to grooming, and likely to bond with groomers.

Abuse makes it impossible to notice the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse can groom you to accept and tolerate abuse from others.

Sense of self

Neglect causes low self esteem.

Abuse greatly amplifies the human fear of being unlovable, unwanted and dying alone.

Being raised in abuse can make you feel like you’re 'not normal’ and make it difficult to relate to people.

Abuse can make you feel like you’re a constant inconvenience and always left out.

Abuse forces you to keep secrets that alienate you from friendships or feeling like a part of community

Abuse in isolation makes us feel like the world abandoned us.  

Attachment disorders

Abuse can lead to intense, over-attached, idealized, unstable, disorganized, or detached and fragile attachments as opposed to stable and healthy ones with boundaries and realistic expectations.

Neglect can cause abandonment issues, which then cause intense stress, anxiety, insecurity, and overall traumatic response to a break of a friendship/relationship

Neglect can cause craving of being ‘taken care of’ or ‘being the caretaker’ rather than pursuing equal and completely mutual relationships

Abuse can lead you to bond intensely with a 'favourite person’ which puts you into a position where you can easily be groomed or exploited, and unable to get out of it.

Abuse leads into idealizing people who show us even the minimum of kindness.

Abuse can make us crave ‘feeling important’ even from abusers

Parentification

Parentification teaches you to take care of other people as a Survival Strategy

Abusive parents can set you up to live as a resource to others

Abuse teaches you to keep your pain secret while tearing yourself apart to care for other’s pain.

Socializing

Abuse starves us out of conversation, touch, gentleness, community, and it can be painful to introduce ourselves (back) to it.

Abuse makes casual socializing anxiety-inducing and frightening.

Social abuse can invoke social anxiety.

Abuse can make attention feel dangerous.

Abusive parents can sabotage you socially, making your real entrance into social life only after you get away from them, and by that time you’ve missed out on valuable development of social skills and you’re starting with a disadvantage

Suffering the pain of abuse alone can make you feel like isolating yourself and being away from people is the only safe way to exist.

Suffering long-term abuse can make you intensely doubt people’s intentions (and sometimes you might be right).

Abuse can make any criticism in a social situation extremely painful and triggering for us

Abuse can create strict double standards for how we’re allowed to live and feel, and what others are allowed.

Intimacy and closeness will trigger emotional flashbacks, painful memories and personal crisis, making you unwilling to try and be close to people.

Long term abuse makes it painful for us to receive or accept comfort.

Abuse can make us feel indebted for comfort.

Abuse makes us feel like we’re craving abuse when we’re only craving comfort

Abuse makes us look for positive attention in non-effective or dangerous ways.

Abuse can make you blame yourself for any social interaction that hurts you.

Abuse makes us dismiss our own discomfort with others.

[emptybraintime]

[emptybraintime]

I'm just hoping that I can just enjoy it as 'material' for my stupid little dreamscape that I run. And that will be enough for me.

Just to pretend like she likes me. That she thinks I'm different than everyone else she's dated and I'm good for her.

And she is so confident and uplifting about things already I feel like she could cancel out all my bad with her good.

I'm tired of dreaming but its the only thing that makes life manageable

[emptybraintime]

Please

Please I'm begging you

Love me

[emptybraintime]

I'm doing it again

I just want to not be alone anymore

Apparently I haven't learnt my lesson from every other previous crush

So let's just go through this again so I can remind myself

Why the fuck would anyone want you

You're a fucking mess

You're nearly 30 and nowhere near even having a normal life

You're going to be alone forever so just accept it and stop making every little thing into a whole thing

Just because she touches you softly, or presses into you

Or

Just because she smiles at you in a way that makes you melt

There's nothing else there is there?

If they wanted more they'd push for it

My head hurts

My heart hurts

[emptybraintime]

“I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as I am to them.”

— Unknown