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So I decided I need a broom and dustpan for work that nobody will want to steal. I'm very happy with the outcome so far!

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It's been four months, since he and I became a thing. It hasn't been perfect. Last month was hard, I almost gave up on him a couple times. I can't tell you how much I missed him. But every time I started to give up, something was pushing me to keep going.

To be honest, it feels like someone chose him for me. I don't know if I really believe in God, or gods and goddesses, or what. I believe there's something out there, at least. Whether this something is too busy to care about most things or not, which I suspect they would be, there's something... magical... about this relationship. Did my Maxi moose send him to me? Did he search the earth after his death, knowing that his momma needed someone amazing, to find me just the right person to love? Or did he ask this something to find someone? Was it pappaw, sending me some happiness and love, now that I was ready and open and free to find it? Or was it just circumstance? Did he really just stumble upon my post, pure chance closing the 2000 miles between us? It doesn't matter. 2000 miles or 2 miles, nobody has ever made me feel quite like this. I've seen glimpses, but they were short lived, and they weren't so powerful.

I love him. Even if I'm not shouting it from the rooftops, or the mountains, I love him. He's so special. He feels right. Even if it does wind up ending, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he's worth everything else that had happened to me.

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They have these adorable little bracelets that are magnets, when you wear them on the hands you hold, they're supposed to connect with each other. I think they're romantic AF.

oh to be wearing each other's initials on heart shaped necklaces

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i was thinking the other day, and i realized that if someone asked my why i liked my partner i wouldn’t know how to answer because it would never be enough to really grasp how much i adore them. we’re long distance and every night i lie here and just think about the day we can finally hold each other...

it's all about the Yearn 🥺 I wish you guys see each other soon hopefully !

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when I think of the word love all I picture is your face, your smile, your eyes, your hands pulling me closer to you, and your lips branding your name on my skin forever

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“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

— Lemony Snicket / The Beatrice Letters

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Even if sometimes it's scary

there's no such thing as having too much love in your heart

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i love talking about you because i’ve never felt so lucky to have someone in my life

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relationships are 50/50

you exist and I daydream about you throughout the whole day

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I'll kiss your hand, I'll caress your cheek softly and tell you I love you in my softest voice

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Babe, this is how I feel about you

“How amazing is it to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.”

— Nina LaCour 

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I feel a bit silly since I'm telling myself that I don't have time for these feelings (if they are real). Especially not now, especially not in these difficult times.

But another part of me feels like I'm already theirs even though there's really nothing established between us? But imagining anyone else feels strange and almost like cheating right now.

everything will work itself out my love 💌 if it's completely out of your hands then it's nothing to worry constantly about

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every holocaust memorial day, i always ask people to keep romani people in their thoughts, but this year i’d like to clear up some misconceptions that i see every year w/ a psa

romani people are not white. we’re south asian (from northern india), and each subgroup has a unique racial makeup of asian/white/etc, in different amounts. this is also why we vary wildly in physical appearance/skintone

we still face oppression. what we face, especially in europe, can still be constituted as attempted genocide, as we’re forced to live in hazardous conditions or to give away our children, be sterilized, etc just for the crime of being roma

the ‘g slur’ isn’t just an american issue. the reason some european roma prefer the slur is because, in many countries, there is no term for roma that isn’t a slur, and it��s either the g slur or the literal translation of the n word. i’m romanian, and if you used the slur in my hometown, you’d get slapped, since we just use ‘roma’.

we live in every continent across the world. some of the largest romani populations exist in south america, predominantly in brazil. they are no more and no less roma than their european counterparts, and they, like romani in asia, africa, etc all face unique challenges and oppression.

we’re the largest ethnic minority in europe, and yet have almost no political power, no land ownership power (in some places, we’re forbidden from owning land entirely), etc. with very few reputable charities- a lot of us reject charity by principle, as well as there being a general lack of education about us- the best thing you can do to help romani people is to just spread information, and help individuals when you can.

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“How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything but to be okay.”

— Khalil Gibran

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I'm kind of seeing someone. I'll call him Babe, because that's what I call him. We aren't using dating terms yet, and it's long distance, so we can't go on dates or anything, but we text and once in awhile get to video call. I'm head over heels for him. It's such a difference from my marriage.

He's so sweet. Even from the first week, he shows he cares. I had to take a covid test, and got some chills and felt off. He worried about me, and wanted me to take an extra day off to rest. He wants me. He's attracted to me, he loves when I send him pictures, or fantasies, he's always calling me beautiful, we both think the other is amazing and sweet, and go back and forth sometimes about why the other is the sweeter one instead of us, and how amazing we think the other is. What we'd do to each other if we were there, how we wish the other was there holding us, or wish we were holding them, just the cutesy stuff in relationships that I don't even remember ever actually having with my ex husband. I feel like a teenager sometimes, with how much I want him, and how he makes me feel. I've never been happier. Before we started talking, I was happy. By myself, fulfilled, not lonely, though I was interested in finding a relationship, but I didn't need to rush it. When I first met him, it was like I knew right away that there was something special about him. I'll be real, I'd been sharing pictures of myself with a couple people, including at least one who is conventionally more attractive than Babe. But within a couple days, when I got a notification from the app we met on that I had a message, he was the only one I wanted to hear from. We were just chatting about normal stuff, animals, hobbies, what we were doing. But I wanted to hear from him. We exchanged phone numbers, and started texting. Talked histories, and I tried flirting once or twice, or hinting my interest maybe. I wasn't sure if he got my message, so I straight up told him that I was really liking him a lot, and was growing feelings. And from there, things have grown. It's been 55 days since that day. Some days our schedules keep us from texting a lot, but I still feel more loved, special, and beautiful than I've ever felt in my life. I know that I'm more ready to move faster than he is, so I'm letting him set the pace he's comfortable with, making sure I don't pressure him or move too fast for him. But I love him. Instead of telling him that I love him, I try to show him. I have a certain emoji combination that I use, and to me it means "I love you" but with the security that he isn't pressured. And when he says or does something super wonderful that makes it really hard not to say, I simply type "Oh Babe" with them. He fills my heart with love and joy.

One time in the middle of my marriage, I was thinking seriously about divorce, and talked about it with my stepmother. I told her that there was a song from a movie that basically I thought that was what true love was supposed to feel like. She told me that one day, she was sure I could find someone who cared for me and made me feel that way, but that she really didn't think it was my now ex. And she was right. Babe makes me feel the same way that song does, only more. Thinking about that conversation, I'm glad she was the first family member I told about him. It's fitting, somehow. I didn't tell her, or anyone actually, when I first started feeling like I love him, not even my best friends. I wrote it in a journal on my phone, because I knew it was definitely too early to start using the word, but it was honestly what I was feeling. One day, when we're together, living in the same place, I'll open it up and let him read it, let him know just how long I've loved him.

I keep him updated on which of his pictures he's sent me is my current favorite and why. It's switched from the one of him in his glasses (it was the first, and he's just so damn handsome in it, and I want to run my fingers through his hair and down his cheek) to now its the one he took just before a shower one day, so I could see him without his facial hair trimmed (he's smiling in it, and I love looking at his smile, and his hair is longer, you can see the curls a bit, and I just want to grab his face and pull that smile into my face and kiss him with a smile of my own). And his voice 💗🥰😍 His phone is a bit old, so it doesn't work well sometimes. We've taken to sending each other voice recordings from vocaroo, and I downloaded the ones he's sent me and put them in a Playlist so I can hear his voice whenever I want. There's definitely a lot of sexual content to them, but also sweet. He's this amazing combination of sweet and sexual, and I don't know if I'll ever get enough of him. I know things will calm down at some point. But I'll still want him, I think, and he'll still want me, and we'll cuddle just as much as we want to cuddle now.

Anyways. I went on all three of these rants because of the text message he sent me a bit ago.

I know it's simple, and his spelling/typing isn't perfect, but it just made me feel so loved. I had to share it. Even though I don't think anyone reads this.

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Marriage, Part Two

Trigger warning: cheating, gaslighting (?)

The day she told me what he'd been saying, I lost it. I came home, and made him stay at his parents house for the only time in our marriage. We talked the next day. He tried to tell me he was joking when he said that to her. He tried to tell me that I was blowing things out of proportion. He tried to blame me and my mother. He spouted a lot of bullshit. This was actually the day our marriage ended.

He told me that I needed to take better care of myself. That I was the unstable one of the two of us, so he'd ONLY do marriage counseling if I got counseling on my own first. He said that it was stupid of me to have placed my self esteem in what he thought of me. And in some ways, he was right. I hadn't been caring for myself, I'd been focused on him for the entire marriage. I did need some counseling, or therapy of a sort at least. And it was absolutely batshit crazy of me to have placed my self esteem in the hands of someone who had been proving to me for years that he didn't care.

I started to focus on myself more. I decided that I would try to find more friends, I'd try to process things by talking to people. I searched on reddit, found some people to talk to. I guess at first I wanted a male perspective on things, so I looked for guys. Found one I really got along with, and chatted. As the story unfolded, and we got closer, I caught feels. I catch feels pretty easily, I've discovered, if I don't have somewhere to direct them to. Things turned sexual, and honestly I enjoyed it. When the sexual side of things had to end, I went looking again. Over the last year, I basically wound up trolling reddit friend and meet people subs, looking for guys to talk to who I could be friendly with, who I could connect with on a different level. Some were just friends, and I still talk to them. Some were romantic interests who were only interested in the sexual side of me. Some were interested in sexual and romantic relationships. * Things never worked out, but I figured out more and more what I wanted, what I didn't want. And worked my way through my self esteem issues, feeling better about myself, gaining confidence, and learning more about myself. It also helped me to be able to finally talk to him, and tell him that I wanted a divorce. When an opportunity to make a big change at work came up, I took it. It lasted almost 4 months. It was grueling. It was almost as bad as marriage, at times. But I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad I entirely switched things up. Changed departments. Now, on even my toughest days, the worst days, I don't come home needing to cry. I get annoyed, I work hard and hurt, but then I go home. I sleep a lot, but it's not depression sleeping. It's physical exhaustion, or not sleeping well for other (good) reasons.

*I know. I was cheating, technically. And two wrongs don't make a right, or more than two. But it's what happened, and how I processed and healed. I don't regret it, because it got me where I am today.