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ephemeraofthemind-blog · 8 years ago

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On growing up partially deaf

It has only been quite recently that I have thought deeply about how my deafness has contributed to my personal development. I was moderately hard-of-hearing as a child and teenager, until I had an operation at 20 that greatly improved my hearing, but it is still far from perfect. What does that do to a person? I’ll tell you what it did to me.

I went to a normal school, I have never worn hearing aids, I have never learned sign language. As far as I am aware, growing up I never had friends in a similar situation. A cousin, yes (who, by the way, has an entirely different personality to mine!), but not close associates. And for me, this all seemed all right. Well, mostly. Deafness is isolating. I was always aware that when my friends were “mumbling” around me, they could understand and hear each other, they were building friendships, developing communication skills, and I was excluded from that. My role was to stand in the group and try to catch snippets of the conversation. But I quickly learned that, both at home and at school, if you can’t hear what is being said, you are in a very poor position to contribute your own ideas. At home I would try more, feeling more confident, but exchanged looks between my parents let me know that very often I was repeating things which had already been said. These types of things made me a quieter person, for sure.

With isolation comes introspection. Talking less gives you time to think more. I spend a lot of time pondering things over, thinking deeply. This has a positive on effect on study, and I have become something of a perfectionist when it comes to getting good grades. I remember an episode of the Simpsons when Lisa NEEDED to be graded and to get her ‘A’ fix…. I can relate! The perfectionism might also have to do with self-esteem issues… more of that in a minute.

A few years ago I asked a hearing friend of mine, who has learned sign language, what it is that she likes about deaf people. One thing she mentioned that stuck with me is that deaf people tend to be very humble. Of course, if you have no idea what the people around you are saying, you aren’t going to act like you know more than everyone else. You literally depend on them to amplify the details of what is happening around you. I went to see my ear doctor with my parents very regularly as a child (they were wonderful to take me so often, thinking back it must have been quite an inconvenience). After each and every one of our appointments, I remember asking “what did he say?”, I had understood very little, and needed confirmation of what i thought i had heard. Deafness also took away my ability to collaboratively make plans, I found that all i could do is ask what everyone else had decided and follow along. So yes, deafness creates humility, which I actually see as a positive thing. Humble people are more peaceable, more willing and able to see the other point of view. Perhaps people with an experience of deafness are more predisposed to be courteous and respectful.

Deafness, ironically, has probably made me a better listener. This seems to be a theme among people relating their deaf experiences. I make sure I have time to listen to whoever needs to talk, because I consider listening a privilege. And when I listen, I listen holistically. I don’t just listen to the words, but to all the other clues, since I grew up depending on those clues. Facial expressions, body language, tone, the context, even the timing of the conversation. I probably find lies easier to detect (although humbleness most of the time cancels out calling someone out on them!). I also experience a strong sense of empathy, the emotions of the speaker seem to reach my core, to the point that it can be hard to distinguish my feelings from theirs.

Try having a childhood where you can’t hear what the characters in cartoons are saying! It is excellent exercise for the imagination. I would watch T.V., making up stories in my head to go with the pictures. Of course, they would never make much sense because the script writers had a different idea for their story and would go off in a completely different direction! Nevertheless, it makes for a very rich and active inner world. This was reflected in the stories I wrote for school, I will have to post them when I get a chance. Watching T.V. this way, I got to practice lateral thinking, creative agility and even, I would say, developed a kind of resilience, optimism and adaptability for when things don’t go as expected. To the extent that I don’t even really expect things to go how I expect.

There is an enduring sense of not really belonging. When you are in a group and everyone speaks to each other but you are excluded, you don’t feel like you truly belong in that group. This extends to other things in what I think is a positive way. If you don’t fully belong to a group, you are less susceptible to any kind of “tribalism”, and perhaps then less likely to base your view of people on stereotypes. This opens the way to wonderful experiences, being more open to befriend people from different backgrounds. Also, if you are already used to being different to the people around you, it is less scary to do such things as live abroad (I do), and take a stand for what you think is right, rather than be governed by peer pressure. But it can also be a little saddening, when, for example, your fellow countrymen don’t realise you are from the same place because of the effect deafness has had on your accent!

I have a wonderful friend, who got married this summer. One ‘velada’ as they say in Spanish (night-time-gathering-chat) during her wedding weekend, we were speaking about when we met with some friends of hers that I hadn’t met before. She and I met when we lived together, volunteering to teach English in a school when we were 19. I always enjoyed her company, but she relates that she disliked me at first. Because often, if she said something to me, I would either ignore her, or just look at her. Until one day, feeling angry, she asked me “are you deaf?” And I told her that I was, a bit, and from then she would be sure to tap my shoulder or something to get my attention before she started speaking to me. After that the friendship was not so one-sided!

The thing is, when you are hard-of-hearing, you don’t really necessarily understand what effect that can have on others. I didn’t mention my hearing before she asked about it, because, firstly, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and secondly, because I just didn’t realise how important it was to let friends know this. When poor hearing is all you know, you don’t know what you are missing. You don’t know you are rudely ignoring someone if you don’t hear them. Knock-on effect: people think you are rude, so they don’t like you, they don’t seek friendship with you. Knock-on effect: you sense this, but don’t understand that they think you are being rude. Knock-on effect: you think there must be something pretty fundamentally wrong with you because, as nice as you try to be, people aren’t interested in being your friend. Knock-on effect: low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can then negatively affect your ability to make wise decisions. To think of my most extreme example (and speaking now as frankly as I dare on a public platform), if there is a person who does choose to show you affection for a while, you might feel a need to cling to them, and even do things to keep their attention that you really rather wouldn’t do. This may be true even if you do have a loving family, and a few good friends. However, even though low self-esteem has caused me to make some questionable choices, in my case I believe it is now better balanced with the self-awareness deep thought brings. I might still struggle from time to time with feelings of worthlessness, feeling that I am no good, that little voice in my head that tells me people don't really like me but are just being nice has never completely gone away; but, I am managing my unhealthy mental habits, I am getting there.

On the flip-side, I believe that true friends that do know you are somewhat deaf will be understanding, protective, and make an extra effort to look out for you, which adds sweetness to life.

As I mentioned at the outset, my hearing today is better than it was. But I still cannot hear anybody who whispers to me! Reflecting on things and writing this though, I see that the best way to deal with this is just to tell them I can’t hear them. Plain and simple. Writing is a healing, no? I still find it hard to work out which direction sounds are coming from… which can be infuriating if I ask my husband to call my phone so I can find it! Not as helpful as you might think! It works best in the dark. Speaking of the dark, the lack of directional hearing makes nighttime sounds unsettling, as I often cannot work out if a sound is coming from inside or outside the house. I tend to try and ignore them. In terms of non-hearing ear problems, occasionally my ear has bad days when it just drains my energy, almost as if my ear is an energy tap and somebody has left it running, and I just have to lie down for a while. Thankfully though this is happening less and less frequently.

So, I will wrap up here. The takeaway is that deafness can have both positive and negative effects. I feel I have, at 32, just about passably caught up in terms of conversation skills (mind you, living the last 11 years in a Spanish speaking country may have slowed me down a bit!). I probably would have benefitted as a child and teenager from a little more guidance about how to navigate the world with poor hearing. I have only lived my life, and obviously can’t be sure what I would be like today if i had grown up with fully functional hearing. But I like myself, most of the time (!), and deafness has helped to make me me. What is there to do, but to embrace it.

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