epicblognamehere

[epicblognamehere]

Times are hard and this pill is harder to swallow.

Am I wrong to feel wronged?

So my life has shattered a little since the last time I updated. I tend to mostly update in my bullet journal because this journal has seen... so SO much and it's got a lot of weight to it because of all the trauma I've uploaded to it so... I don't know I guess I was hesitant to update because when I look back through this blog I see so many red flags and so much pain that I wanted to try and keep it more upbeat but that's not my life.

So my shattering moment was -- Michael has talked to his ex-girlfriend, Stephanie. I know it doesn't sound bad but it hurt my feelings. It wasn't that he spoke with her or even what they talked about, I know Michael has needed closure for a long time with her because their relationship was toxic and explosive. She cheated on him and continued to until he caught her, there was a lot of drama with that and before she cheated on him he had gotten her pregnant. They were young when that happened, still in high school and they aborted the child. I know she didn't want to but probably went along with it because she was young and Michael had likely immediately suggested it because it would've ended their "childhood". They weren't ready for a child and that's the path they chose however haunting that path might be. And it did, haunt them, or at least it did Michael. I've never known Stephanie, I never cared to. I could imagine having an abortion changed her behavior and altered the kind of person she was and that seemed to be what happened.

Wednesday, April 16, 2025 Michael called me on his lunch while at work and told me that he wanted to tell me something and somehow the way he said it, it made me sit down and my anxiety started to raise. He said that he had talked to Stephanie, that he reached out to her and they didn't have a little conversation that it lasted about 30 minutes and that nothing was said other than closure about what happened between them. I understand why he needed that, I haven't ever been in his situation but I can empathize with the pain he felt regarding that whole situation and I've known for as long as I've been with him how much it bothered him. So, in that regard I understand... I just thought after having a married me and us having Yuna, that would be enough. So him talking to her didn't so much bother me as when we were joking around after saying that I've never been too worried about him cheating on me because he's had that done to him by someone he loved and knows how painful that feeling is. So I've never had reason to think he'd be that kind of person but I have been wrong about that before so I would say there's always an uncertainty. No, my problem lies with when were just joking about if he started talking to her and cheated on me, he said immediately that, that wouldn't happen because she's got a family and lives in Colorado. To me, that was well it's impossible because she doesn't live her and SHE has a family. It wasn't, I would never do that because I am married and I have a family. The way it was said really hurt my feelings and I spent the better part of the day crying over that. I didn't say anything at the time because he was at work and that was a situation that needed to be handled in person, however that's still not how things played out. We ended the call because he needed to go back to work and I just wanted to take a shower and focus my mind somewhere else but that didn't happen. I did take a shower and I cried and talked to Erika about it because she's the only person I ever really talk to. I know she's not going to open her mouth to him and she's his family so she's honest with me. Well later that night I couldn't hold it in anymore, I had become upset with Michael over it and I didn't mask it well.. it was too close to the surface, too fresh. He had said something to which I cannot recall and said I was being shitty towards him and I was, I'll admit. I tried to wait until he got home to talk to him about it face to face so I could see him when I told him how it made me feel but it didn't wait, it exploded when he was talking to me on his way home. I told him exactly what bothered me and how it made me feel and honestly I know he still doesn't fully understand why I was upset because he doesn't see things from other peoples point of view other than his own.

It's been 4 days since he told me he talked to her and I'm not going to lie it has been a fucking struggle for me. I haven't brought it back up because I was trying to get over it but it's hurting me because the thoughts keep looping. He wanted to have sex on Friday and I actually cried because I couldn't not think "is he thinking about her right now?". I am only human, I don't have steel emotions and despite my happy facade, things hurt me. He's told me that I can read the conversation between them but I'm honestly afraid to. Is that the whole conversation? did he delete things out of the conversation to make it "ok" for me to read?

So I ended up reading the fucking messages just now, I asked Michael for his phone so that I could see the message. There's a couple things that bother me about it, one Michael said that the memories he had with her are some of his happiest and worst memories that he has. His happiest memories should be with me right?

I'm in a weird place in my head right now. A part of me feels like I need to be more understanding about the situation and that I'm taking something personal that ought not be taken personally. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I feel hurt and that isn't going to go away overnight, this will be something that I have to work through. Maybe I can talk to a therapist about it.

Anyways, for now that's all I want to talk about. I have a lot on my mind and the more I keep writing about it the less likely I am to get over it because it's on repeat in my head and I don't like it.

-BCBB

[epicblognamehere]

Today My family and I went to the San Antonio Zoo! It was my youngest daughters first time going to see all the amazing animals at the Zoo and she had an absolute blast!

I woke up at 9:10 am to get ready to leave to the zoo, I woke up earlier than I had to because I wanted to give the dogs a little outside time before we left today since we were going to be gone for like HOURS. I laid on the couch until 9:25 when I went to go wake Michael up. I should've woken him up at 9:15 with how much ass he was dragging but hindsight is 20/20 right? Anyway, so we finally got out of the house like 5 minutes till 10. When we were supposed to be at his family's house... Well Michael decided to call his dad and talk to him which I found mildly annoying but you know, it is what it is. They talked, I sort of listened and we made our way to Starbucks where Michael absolutely had to have his morning coffee to wake up, he got me a pink drink and we headed to New Braunfels to meet up with Wendi and Erika to head to the Zoo!

His family ordered breakfast tacos and we did too so they went and picked them up while we were on our way to their house. We made it to their house about 4 minutes before they did, we got situated and headed to San Antonio.

On the way to the Zoo, Michael bought our tickets on the site while we were headed there. We stopped at Walmart for some sunblock for Yuna. We got to the zoo at around 11:30-11:45 am. We were there 3-3 1/2 hours and Yuna had a lot of fun. She got to see a lot of different animals and she got to ride the carousel with her dad. She enjoyed it so much that she threw a fit when it was over. She was really tired and took a nap in the car once we left.

Erika and Wendi were really hungry and wanted to eat once we left the Zoo so once everyone finally decided we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and ate dinner. After that we made quick work to leave and headed home once we put Yuna's playhouse in the car. We got home pretty quick and Yuna opened her hatcnhimal and now she's playing in her sink and watching Toy Story while she poops lol. Anyway, just wanted to get the day out to remember <3

[epicblognamehere]

2025

So it's been YEARS since I updated this blog. I used to write in this blog every day, multipul times a day sometimes but when my friendship ended with my best friend, Daniel... I don't know. My life changed and blogging everyday was a reminder of the friendship that I lost. I knew there was a big age gap between us but I was very close with him and I loved him like my little brother and out friendship ended over a girl. I just wanted him to be happy and well I guess he is. I hope he is. Sometimes when he gets brought up that friendship that we used to have burns. But a lot of things have changed in my life and for the better.

I struggled with my depression for a really long time and there was days that I just didn't want to deal with things anymore. I sometimes updated in here but it wasn't the same.. I just started journaling more than anything and it took over blogging for me. I rememebered the whole reason that I started blogging was because I wanted people to realize that they weren't alone. When your circumstances and your head overwhelm you and you don't know what to do, you're questioning everything but mainly yourself because are you crazy? did that just happen? Yeah, things like that made me realize that reading someone else going through something similar meant that I wasn't crazy and somewhere out there someone understood my exact situation and while sometimes I wasn't looking for an answer on how to fix it, I was looking for acknowledgement that it was happening and it wasn't my fault.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and while I am still surprised I survived it, sometimes it feels like I let him win a little. I know that the toxic relationship that I am talking about is dead and burried but there isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't wish that he never finds happiness because of the way he treated me. I stand tall that he didn't break me but he almost did, I just couldn't let him have anymore of me than I gave and what he took.

I am now a happily married woman to someone that I have never felt closer to and am glad to call my BEST friend. While just like most relationships, we do fight but I know that even those days there's nothing that he wouldn't do for me. I had convinced myself that I had that with the boy before him but it was nothing but a lie. I am grateful that I was able to break free from that situation and am able to live this fantastic life that I have now. I got married in 2021, had my youngest daughter in 2023 and bought our house in 2024.

2025 has been the year of upgrades for me, I was able to purchase a new MacBook Air M3, my wonderful husband bought me the new iPad Air M2 for valentines day as well as the bookcased I wanted from IKEA to make my office a study with so many shelves for books! It has truly been a fantastic year, not only have I obtained all of these things, my sex life has never been better. I don't know why it took us both so long to open up to each other and bring the sex lives we imagined to life. Don't get me wrong, the sex wasn't bad before by any means but the sex we have now is infinitely better.

Anyway it is around 3:15 in the morning and I have to be up in less than 6 hours so we can take our sweet little girl to the Zoo (for the first time). I just wanted to check back in with my old blog... the thing that kept me sane on many days and to remind myself to never doubt myself and question the reality that I live in because it's real, it did happen and things are better than ever.

[epicblognamehere]

100 Reasons NOT To Kill Yourself

1. We would miss you. 2. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you. 3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. 4. There’s so much you would miss out on doing. 5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there. 6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself. 7. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise. 8. You are amazing. 9. A time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better. 10. What about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? What about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? You can’t do them when you’re dead. 11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive. 12. You won’t be able to listen to music if you die. 13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about. 14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me. 15. You’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born. 16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died? 17. You’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect. 18. Think about your favourite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again… 19. You’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day 20. Listening to incredibly loud music 21. Being alive is just really good. 22. Not being alive is really bad. 23. Finding your soulmate. 24. Red pandas 25. Going to diners at three in the morning. 26. Really soft pillows. 27. Eating pizza in New York City. 28. Proving people wrong with your success. 29. Watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life. 30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can. 31. Being able to help other people. 32. Bonfires. 33. Sitting on rooftops. 34. Seeing every single country in the world. 35. Going on roadtrips. 36. You might win the lottery someday. 37. Listening to music on a record player. 38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower. 39. Taking really cool pictures. 40. Literally meeting thousands of new people. 41. Hearing crazy stories. 42. Telling crazy stories. 43. Eating ice cream on a hot day. 44. More Harry Potter books could come out, you never know. 45. Travelling to another planet someday. 46. Having an underwater house. 47. Randomly running into your hero on the street. 48. Having your own room at a fancy hotel. 49. Trampolines. 50. Think about your favourite movie, you’ll never watch it again. 51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke, 52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more. 53. People do care. 54. Treehouses 55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a treehouse 55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees 56. I don’t even know you and I love you. 57. I don’t even know you and I care about you. 58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness! 59. You won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor. 60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS! 61. Starbucks. 62. Hugs. 63. Stargazing. 64. You have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is. 65. You’ve changed somebody’s life. 66. Now you could change the world. 67. You will meet the person that’s perfect for you. 68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you. 69. You have the chance to save somebody’s life. 70. If you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things. 71. Making snow angels. 72. Making snowmen. 73. Snowball fights. 74. Life is what you make of it. 75. Everybody has a talent. 76. Laughing until you cry. 77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy. 78. The world would not be the same if you didn’t exist. 79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down 80. Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive. 81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero. 82. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. 83. One day your smile will be real. 84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. 85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds. 86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends. 87. Eating crazy food. 88. Staying up all night watching your favourite films with a loved one. 89. Sleeping in all day. 90. Creating something you’re proud of. 91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit 92. Being able to meet your Internet friends. 93. Tea / Coffee / Hot Chocolate 94. Sherlock season three. 95. Cuddling under the stars. 96. Being stupid in public because you just can. 97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile? 98. being able to hug that one person you havent seen in years 99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this. 100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen

IF that isn’t enough:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696 Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433 LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255 Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743 Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438 Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673 Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272 Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253 Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453 UK Helplines: Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111 Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600 Drinkline: 0800 9178282 Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614 India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669 Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7 suicide hotlines; Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430 Australia: 13-11-14 Austria: 01-713-3374 Barbados: 429-9999 Belgium: 106 Botswana: 391-1270 Brazil: 21-233-9191 China: 852-2382-0000 (Hong Kong: 2389-2222) Costa Rica: 606-253-5439 Croatia: 01-4833-888 Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67 Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908 Denmark: 70-201-201 Egypt: 762-1602 Estonia: 6-558-088 Finland: 040-5032199 France: 01-45-39-4000 Germany: 0800-181-0721 Greece: 1018 Guatemala: 502-234-1239 Holland: 0900-0767 Honduras: 504-237-3623 Hungary: 06-80-820-111 Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90 Ireland: 1800-247-100 Israel: 09-8892333 Italy: 06-705-4444 Japan: 3-5286-9090 Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292 Malaysia: 03-756-8144 (Singapore: 1-800-221-4444) Mexico: 525-510-2550 Netherlands: 0900-0767 New Zealand: 4-473-9739 New Guinea: 675-326-0011 Nicaragua: 505-268-6171 Norway: 47-815-33-300 Philippines: 02-896-9191 Poland: 52-70-000 Portugal: 239-72-10-10 Russia: 8-20-222-82-10 Serbia: 21-6623-393 Spain: 91-459-00-50 South Africa: 0861-322-322 South Korea: 2-715-8600 Sweden: 031-711-2400 Switzerland: 143 Taiwan: 0800-788-995 Thailand: 02-249-9977 Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800 Ukraine: 0487-327715 Uruguay: 095 73 8483 You will be missing out on every single wonderful thing yet to happen to you.

[epicblognamehere]

I hope none of you go to bed feeling like you aren’t good enough to be touched by the one you love. It’s a horrible feeling. -B

[epicblognamehere]

Forreal

REBLOG THIS IF YOU ARE LITERALLY SURPRISED WHEN PEOPLE FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.

[epicblognamehere]

Masha The Hero

[epicblognamehere]

My Druid, Lorealis’ current mog project, just two pieces to go!

Helm - Tranquil Bough Hood Shoulders - Heroes’ Dreamwalker Shoulderpads Chest - Tranquil Bough Vest Gloves - Heroes’ Dreamwalker Handgrips Belt - Tranquil Bough Cinch Legs - Heroes’ Dreamwalker Pants Boots - Duretha’s Trail Boots

[epicblognamehere]

Library

Yesterday Michael and I went to the Library in San Marcos and I rented 3 books on different techniques in Art. Really looking forward to getting back into the learning of art.

[epicblognamehere]

(Day Two)

So last week applied at ATP2 which is a government contractor that Michaels mother and sister work at. We both applied and got the job which is $14.00 an hour, great news I passed the background check so next week I'll go into get my finger prints scanned. Now for right now Michael and I are supposed to start at CRI tomorrow (Saturday), so we'll have to give them our two weeks... I'll have to give them my two weeks again so idk how much they're going to like that but the turnover rate is very high so I wouldn't imagine it to be much of a problem. We had to go to skylars tonight in Austin so I'm sitting in the car bored as fuck so I figured I might as well write while I'm sitting here waiting on Michael. I really want a cigarette, today has just started not long ago for me and already It's been shit. Sometimes its like walking on glass with Michael, have to watch everything you say and how you say it to a T because otherwise it could put him in a mood that he just doesn't get out of. Me crying to him is just more irritating and frustrating. I wish I didn't cry when I got upset. I'm not even sad most of the time, I'm just so frustrated that's how my body releases it I guess? I don't really know to be honest with you but I can tell you from my own point of view that its god damn annoying. I learned the hard way to not make friends at work and bring them to your outside life because it turned out SO WELL with Elisia. Still irritated over that shit... I'm just a bitter little person, I feel like she just moved on like our friendship really didn't mean shit. I know all she wanted me for in the first place was someone to make themselves feel better and since she had someone to help her with that friendship wise and intimately, my roll ran out. Our friendship ran its course because she no longer needed what I offered her. We didn't really have a friendship I suppose, it was more like I was a free therapist. Oh well fuck her and her judgemental shit. I miss Allie. She's been like the only person that's ever really gotten me and has very rarely overstepped her bounds as my friend, she's been there for me in some really hard ass times and I appreciate her. I don't think I'll ever have a friend quite like her, I know there is a shit ton that we'd do for each other and the fact that she's going to have a baby is just mind blowing. I really can't believe it and she's only got 2 months left. She's going to to be moving back to San Marcos here soon so Ill be able to spend more time with her when I'm not working. Things aren't the same as they used to one though, we both have more responsibilities, well I do at least. I don't quite know what their arrangements are and I don't need to, non of my business. I am extremely excited that I got the job, though I am going to have to do something about the wardrobe that I have, though my job is at night, I guess I'll have to figure out how the dress code works there. Obviously I'm not going to be going to work in my pj's but if I can wear jeans and a t-shirt ill be so down. I will be doing the night time shift so I'll be getting off work around 12. I'm glad that we can arrive and leave together though, that just makes gas so much easier. The fact that we'll never really have to see his family that's good too cause fuuuuuck do I hate dealing with them. They're alright for the most part but sometimes they're just.... rude, annoying and unreasonable. Like his grandmother doesn't work, she doesn't do shit anymore and she sure as shit doesn't help out around the house, she doesn't have a cast anymore and still she doesn't help. Their logic is a little... stupid. Tomorrow is day one at working with Michael, gonna be interesting, though I don't really think I'll be seeing him much because well they used to sit me and everyone else apart all the time but fuck it even if we do, doubt he fucks around much. Ill probably just bring my crossword puzzles again. Maybe bring my sketchbook? Yeah probably do that, that way I can work on some of my artwork.

[epicblognamehere]

What are you thankful for? (Day One)

I am thankful for a lot of things, such as; My children, family, boyfriend, my friends, my job, the internet... I really am thankful for so much that I don't even know which one to focus on. I guess overall, I would say that I am thankful for life. Without life, I wouldn't have experienced so many wonderful things as I listed above. I know there have been many times that I felt ungrateful because of the bad outcomes... no one likes bad outcomes, but without the bad times how would be appreciate the good times? We wouldn't we would take them for granted. So many people take life for granted, we usually don't understand this concept until we're older. Take myself for an example, I am going to be 28 years old in a couple of months and I've just come to this realization in the past year. I am extremely grateful to my boyfriend, Michael for standing by my side through thick and thin. There has been a lot of some and more of the other needless to say but I don't regret anything. I love him and he's shown me a lot about myself that I didn't really know before... whether he knows it or not. Anyway, we start work together on Saturday and to be honest I'm kind of nervous... I don't really have a reason to be nervous just am cause now we're literally doing everything together which feels weird I suppose. I've been listening to so much of the twenty one pilots it's insane.. like I absolutely love them and can see where my friend Daniel loves them. They're great, I would suggest them if looking for new music. :) Let's see how many days will go by before I forget to keep up with this once a day posting shit lol.. <33

[epicblognamehere]

I swear the news comes up with some crazy lies now a days.

this is the kind of quality content I want to see

[epicblognamehere]

Love Games? Follow RamdomGames

[epicblognamehere]

Hey WoW RPers, this is for you! I realized how often I need to crack open my visual guide to help people with timeline answers, so I figured I would upload the full thing as images. It was released during MoP so it ends there, but we’re in about Year 32 as of my posting this (assuming WoD took a year).

Hope this helps!

[epicblognamehere]

Please tell him, that when the sun goes down I think of him. Please tell him that I will never forget the sound of his voice calling out my name. And please, let him know that he lives in my heart forever and that everywhere I go, I always see his face. I will always love him. To infinity... and beyond baby. :'(

[epicblognamehere]

I feel like just giving up on everything. If only it were that easy...

[epicblognamehere]

He’ll never know how far I would go for him… though I know that what we have now is all we’ll ever have and well… if it means that this is only as far as we go, I’ll love him all the same. I knew when he said he wasn’t into marriage that I should give up that dream and, now I have. Though when he's asked me in the past about it, I've lied. Said It wasn't something I wanted... in truth he's the only one I have ever seen a forever with. It used to hurt, now I'm just happy I have him. He's mine... for as long as he wants me and I'm ok with that. I'm really glad I have Elisia as a friend. Sometimes I don't feel worth anything and it's nice to have a friend remind you of the good things.