epilepticaudiophile - Tumblr blog

epilepticaudiophile · 2 months ago

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After I had to stop working because of epilepsy, I lost my purpose. And personhood. I am only needed for my social security income that partially supports my family. No one would be unable to function or suffer from me not being here - if it weren’t for that $$. It’s my only purpose now.

I only speak to my husband & daughter (she’s 11 and moody, so we don’t talk much right now) every day. I watch crappy tv and look at my phone, sitting in the same old chair, every day. No one calls or texts - except my husband. My husband loves me - but he too is very depressed. I don’t *do* or create anything, I don’t provide any service.

My best friend of 25 years told me in February that she’d been lying about being my friend for FIVE years & was relieved she doesn’t have to be my friend anymore. She was my only friend left.

This was after a family Disney vacation. We were SO excited. Disaster. My daughter had an autistic meltdown the first day, but did not recover for the remainder of the trip, mostly staying in the hotel room with my best friend and her wife’s teen daughter - who was also very disinterested and moody. I also found out my best friend’s wife was yelling at my daughter. My husband had a lupus flare the first day and was out of commission for the first two and a half days. I was back and forth to the resort because of that and missed SO much. I got to go on the Avatar ride and walk around some. I am still so disappointed. I had arranged for a family photo shoot and my best friend friend and her her crew didn’t get up in time - yet the rest of the week they were up by 6am. I didn’t get a single photo with my daughter. No group pictures. I fell on a bus and still have the scars.

My brother, sister-in-law, and niece all dislike me. I have a cousin and aunt who recently moved back to Michigan and are kind to us, but most of my extended family don’t appear to like me anymore. My parents love us and help support us - but it feels obligatory and has definitely caused resentment.

When my best friend had major surgery, my parents sent her a gift and I sent her a gift. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and after had major surgery. I couldn’t even get a visit in the hospital. My brother did visit me in the hospital once a handful of years ago. I loved that and appreciated it so much. When I broke my leg years ago, my best friend disappeared and I didn’t hear from her until after my week in the hospital, over Christmas. I visited my best friend in the hospital a few times over the years.

There were things I have done in the past - calmly confronting rudeness when asked why I had unfriended someone on Facebook following a vacation caused cousins to explode at me (the one they were rude to). They haven’t spoken to me since. They were/are very close to my brother & sister-in-law, and this timeline is the same that they started to have issues with me. My sister-in-law even refused to attend my wedding. When I spoke to my brother about the tension before my wedding, he said the issues were that I wasn’t around for my niece’s activities/achievements and didn’t give her gifts. I admit fully I didn’t/couldn’t attend all of her numerous plays, art exhibitions, parties, and family trips - but I have photos from my attendance at the majority of them. I am poor. I buy gifts when I can. I can’t even afford to buy my daughter gifts, let alone my niece. I stopped being invited to her events after that. I stopped texting my sister-in-law and niece things like happy birthday and wishing my niece well for her first voting experience because they don’t acknowledge them or respond. Ever.

When that mess happened, there was a fight with my sister-in-law and I told her I wouldn’t allow her to see my daughter anymore. I also told my best friend the same thing if she was going to continue to associate with them. I had squeezed my ex into my family over the decades & she was essentially a family member. My sister. All of them, save my sister/best friend (who annoyingly decided to “stay out of it”) were of the opinion that I was some kind of horrible person. I was concerned about how that would transfer to my daughter. I overreacted. I withdrew my assertions not long after & thought I had made amends with those involved (except the cousins who have literally cut me off).

But I guess my mistakes were unforgivable, whereas theirs were largely nonexistent.

After my parter of 9 years left me - when I was 3 weeks postpartum - and I learned she’d been cheating on me for 5 months with her ex, I was a mess. She continued to live with me for a while. It was hard. After she left, in the fall, I invented a story that someone was taunting me online - making it seem like it was my ex or her new old lady. I carried it on, really only telling my best friend, for about a month before I told her the truth. I’m not sure why I did it, but I know it was born out of deep hurt and depression.

I honestly thought that I was trying. I was trying to be a good friend, a good sister/sister-in-law, a good aunt, partner, and mom. But either my attempts at amends weren’t good enough, my mistakes were too big, or their anger is too big to move past.

I don’t understand the lying to me for years. When my parter had cheated on me, my best friend was right there and cursed her actions with me. But then she did something very similar for 5 years. For what? To use me for my family? My daughter? I don’t know what to make of this. I keep dreaming we are doing things together and then she’s gone all of a sudden & I wake up looking for her. I didn’t think she was capable of doing this to me.

I am so scared of what things will look like after my parents are gone. I miss my family, my brother especially. I fear that we will never speak after they’re gone. My niece is so very cool & could be such a good influence for my daughter.

I used to be a social worker. I worked in child welfare - foster care & adoption. I loved my work and I was good at it. I worked very hard, many more than 40 hours a week, and had friends I hung out with outside of work. I had seizures at work when I first discovered I had epilepsy. More subtle signs - like forgetting tasks, doing things wrong, confusing clients in court - caused me to be fired from 3 jobs (I had never been fired before). That was when I finally admitted that I couldn’t do it anymore. My seizures were uncontrolled and my cognitive abilities were slipping. The meds cause confusion, fatigue, and I was still having seizures uncontrolled. I was unable to drive - which was an essential function of my job. Going from being that essential, being an important part of a case, relied upon for up to 80 hours a week to what I do now - is crushing.

I had plans. They weren’t big, but they were plans. I was getting there. I decided I was going to lose weight so I could get pregnant, and I did it. I wanted to have a healthy baby, and I did it. I wanted to maintain my house and continue to grow my career. Instead I had to leave my house. I live in a trailer now. I am grateful to have a place to live, but I wanted more for my daughter. We have never had new furniture, just hand-me-downs. I am going to be 50 in October and I’ve never been able to purchase anything other than a mattress.

I am a drain on my parents who we rely upon for support when my social security doesn’t cover life - which more and more it doesn’t. Recent government changes have caused changes to our benefits and income. My epilepsy and other health issues make me less than and invisible. I am tolerated because of the value in my daughter. I am grateful, but this arrangement of necessity has damaged our relationships.

I am NOT what my parents deserved for a daughter. My daughter deserves a better life. My husband doesn’t deserve to be on edge because I might have a seizure and end up hospitalized again.

#depressing shit #taylor swift #taylornation #family #Spotify

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