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“Although I wish we met in a different place when the timing is subtle and our love grows fonder every time we speak on our own volition— of how this world took us to comfort and of the things we discovered together, I still won’t let go of how imperfect the first time we shared a page in each other’s lives. Like the burnt edges of a beautifully written piece of how fire can let go of the thirst in our throats. Like a momentary pause to gather our senses and come back to the present only to realize everything has been settled. Heaved a relief. Took a storm. Maybe it is our fate to cross paths in an ephemeral perfect disaster. Maybe this is how it starts— when our love stays dormant, we board the streams to make it alive but wishes the unlovely to take us to a surprise.”

— (via thevibrantblues)

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I will forever be scared of relapse

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ataraxia \at-uh-RAK-see-uh\ noun; a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquillity.

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Garden of Silence 「沈黙の庭」 | Fuco Ueda

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michelle (@danceypantsdisco)

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We Know Who Our Enemies Are

I really want to get over it. More than anything, I wish there wasn’t a moment when I thought of you as the monster that betrayed my deepest trust. But you are that monster.

I could explain the weight of this a million ways; and you’d feel sorry, regretful, pain. But you can never actually grasp what’s happening to me.

Falling in love was never anything I searched for. I didn’t care if I was alone, I like being in my head. I didn’t long for adoration, nor did I need to feel wanted or important to someone’s life. But when I found you, those things became all I wanted.

At first, I ran in fear. I couldn’t let my well-being be in someone else’s control. So I ran, and ran hard. States away, in fact.

But I found my way back to you. And through the immense fear I didn’t know myself capable of, I let you have that control.

Initially, that was turmulous, but I understood. I understood the dramatics of the situation, and I understood that love would overcome.

And it did. It pulled through with a resilience we were both amazed by, new to.

In that period, I felt safe. I felt that all of those fears I’d harbored were irrational. There wasn’t a miniscule trace of doubt in my mind that we could never falter. You would never cause me to hurt, or feel betrayed. I thought I knew exactly the amount of overwhelming love you felt, I knew you felt exactly the same as me.

But it all unfolded. And I still can’t grasp it as reality.

And in this moment, and every other moment, all I want in the world is to be able to look at you and feel safe again. But I look at you, and I see those moments unfolding again and again.

I want to feel that seemingly unexplainable pleasure in surety again, but I look at you and feel that impending pain that is the worst I have ever been dealt.

And it’s so hard. So hard to be reaching and grasping for a hint of that feeling of bliss I held when I knew I would never receive pain at your hands.

It’s hard because the best feeling that ever pulsed this body was replaced by an overwhelming fear of the worst feeling that’s ever pulsed it.

And it comes with so much anger. Anger at you for being capable of what I’d held us higher than. For being incapable of feeling what I felt, even though I’d spent so much time convinced you did. Angry that so many of the words that formed around my best memories were destroyed moments by the body that made them so perfect. So much time spent that I can never again look at without the accompaniment of despair. My joy simply disguised what would become sadness. The greatest joy, the deepest sadness.

And all I want is that love back. All I want is the undying passion. I want to want to sleep uncomfortably if at least I’m beside you. I want to show you new things just to see your face and reactions. I want to feel excitement at the thought of you.

But it’s just anger and fear.

And I’ll keep trying to recreate that love and passion that felt so safe and so flawless. And I hope.

But for now it’s paralyzing fear, unconsolable anger, and the most excruciating knowledge of betrayal.

The knowledge that at one time, no flaws mattered, because we’d keep each other pulling through. Now the flaws are an addition to that misconception.

And all I can do is continue. And all I can do is wish. And all I can do is hope the day goes by and I can still hold on.

I wish you could save me in some sort of time machine.

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Although I wish we met in a different place when the timing is subtle and our love grows fonder every time we speak on our own volition— of how this world took us to comfort and of the things we discovered together, I still won’t let go of how imperfect the first time we shared a page in each other’s lives. Like the burnt edges of a beautifully written piece of how fire can let go of the thirst in our throats. Like a momentary pause to gather our senses and come back to the present only to realize everything has been settled. Heaved a relief. Took a storm. Maybe it is our fate to cross paths in an ephemeral perfect disaster. Maybe this is how it starts— when our love stays dormant, we board the streams to make it alive but wishes the unlovely to take us to a surprise.

(via thevibrantblues)

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Esther Sarto

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A post shared by Greg Johnson (@tornadogreg)

Storm chaser prepping for the 2017 season shared this magnificent video of a 2016 tornado they spotted in Kansas.

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This is the Sound of Settling

I actually can’t believe where this life is standing. 24 years and there’s still no distinctive correct answer. I’m not sure if there was ever any reason to believe I would know the moment I would feel like I’m not young anymore. I always felt that “age” was irrelevant anyways. And of course, in thinking so, I never left myself to doubt it. There are many thoughts similar to this, where I was so stubbornly sure I’d left no room for error, that I didn’t allow myself to contemplate or prepare for the idea that I could be a little mistaken. 24. That’s big to me. For some reason, I was able to slide right past my 23rd. That’s not to say I wasn’t uncomfortable with every birthday I’ve had since “teenager”. I could probably attribute my comfort with 23 to drugs. But nothing eases my mind from this year.

Less than a week. It’s goddamn surreal . I recall so many moments where I simply studied the clock. “Endless.” But it’s hard to even give consideration to something being “endless” now. Everything is so absolute, yet it’s unpredictable until that “absolute” arrives. Some days I’m full of optimism, appreciating that I’m enjoying things and people. And on others, that joy is simply pointless, as what effect will it really have? Even when I’m sullen, though, I’m constantly seeking companionship and beautiful connections and friendships, as these things are the most effective at slowing down this windmill of a mind.

Oddly, those same reasons would probably scoff at the idea of my mind “slowing down” with them. The immense amount of thought I’m “fondling” (I drew a blank on what word to use there, I ended up using fondling. Marijuana.) constantly is likely irregular. But if I’m being honest, I can’t say that I’d trade this perceived understanding I’ve gained for even momentary peace of mind. I’m actually actively avoiding getting personal in this fucking free writing because I’m afraid to even be honest enough with myself to state some things, as I wouldn’t want to be inaccurate, and sometimes “personal” constitutes as emotional. Emotion is not necessarily something I don’t experience, but likely less heavily than most.

That’s not to lead you to believe it’s always been that way. But, alas, I’ve somehow grown into a logical (mostly) and unsympathetic asshole, per sé. So, when something happens to be thought-consuming enough to actually affect my usual train, I’m not necessarily good at logically processing it anymore. Now, don’t you get presumptive and assume that means I tend to express these rare occasions irrationally. Believe it or not, I’ve grown to just avoid. I’ll fall silent, “suffer” whilst “acting” unaffected or merely stop investing thought as immediately as possible.

It actually works out well for me, though it certainly does also have the ability to affect people I care for. I can involve myself in an “argument” or misunderstanding, cause emotional reaction from merely stating my factual “feelings” (damn me and these quotation marks) without gauging the extent, because to me it’s ineffective to state anything but your actual thoughts when you affect someone. So, in doing just that, I offend emotionally. The compromise on whatever I’ve “done wrong” when being confronted would be a form of dishonesty, as I am firmly set in continuing to exist “freely” as it makes me happy, and I‘m not brought joy by causing any grief.  And I’m honestly not willing to compromise on those brain-clearing moments of happiness.

People certainly expect me to, and I can’t deny clearly understanding their stance. It simply doesn’t cause me to want to change, or even seem apologetic. I am fully aware this makes me sound goddamn awful, and fuck I might be. But I am always very clear that this is the way I am. I think. But of course these happiness factors fluctuate, and I do understand that me changing habits or routines may be unfortunate, but the risk was made clear.

I am not what I would choose as a partner, but I would absolutely desire to know a person like me. (That sounded both cocky and self-deprecating simultaneously.) Unfortunately, I am fluid. My thoughts move forward and so do my inclinations. It’s fortunate for those who are dependant on my “affection” and companionship, and unfortunate for those who are just unable to continue accepting my self-perceived progression. Certainly not stating these people are in any way less deserving or that they’re inferior, just that if they are offended by my distance when thought-provocation in a positive form becomes stagnant, or negative, that we will struggle to remain compatible conversationalists, and conversation (through being vocal, or body language) is the key to life for me. I live to have to contemplate something inquired, and to be required to provide feedback. Not just conversations, so many words are empty. I mean the ability to expect something more than a forced conversation filled with small talk and wondering what is being discussed.

People who have thought-provoking minds are phenomenal to me. Whether it be provoking intellect, a rare tinge of emotion, humor, or almost fucking anything. Coming to a monotonous point in any friendship is a very clear and good reason to discontinue wasting both’s precious tic-toc.

For some reason, (I can explain it to you if you really wanna know, Stephanie) some are satisfied with continuing unvarying companionships, and are offended when you suggest what I’ve explained. Why do I even fucking think it’s important to elaborate this to myself? (Answers own question) I guess it’s because I think fully contemplating my thought process is slowing my waste of thought (LOL) or just clearing it up to myself in black & white. (Making sure I’m able to comfortably justify each standpoint to myself.) And I can.

You may see this and be able to personally classify it as “emotional.” Make no mistake, I am merely ascetic. I cannot settle with the inability to express my accuracy, even if only to myself. (Insanity) I “feel” that I want to bask in joyful and stimulating experience, and it would be a disservice to someone if anyone pretended to be satisfied with the previously mentioned bland interaction. Is that cleared up, Stephanie? I think I’ve cleared it up.

Continuing…(OMG I know)

When I earlier mentioned provoking thought and reaction, I stated that it could be verbal or with body language. Even that may have been to specific (Goddamnit I’m contradicting my ‘clear’) But we’ll go with it. Body language is so fucking major. When I’m referring to it, don’t think I’m alluding to any specific movements or a fucking movement rubric. I’m trying to accomplish the opposite. What provokes a reaction is curiosity, and nothing does this like the ability to captivate with simply the way you exist.

Nobody can perfect this skill, as no one existence is going to affect everyone even remotely similarly. But you will meet people who are captivating. Now when it happens, there’s really no question. If you don’t know if you enjoy a presence after you’ve invested effort, you don’t. NEVER settle for avoiding ‘loneliness’. Wasting this time proves detrimental, as lack of interest merely proceeds negativity. This negativity hinders happiness, and greatly reduces your time with joyful surroundings and goal for progression. Instead, focus energy and time on this joy. Surround yourself with those who heighten your mood and knowledge, as well as curiosity.

HERE IS THE CATCH.

When you choose to be a brash cunt, you choose to risk this “nasty” emotion shit. Because everything you stated is true. Sometimes that person that fails to provoke curiosity is you. And sometimes the brash cunt doesn’t want to waste your time. And you’ve got to be willing to risk accepting that, what you’ve “ridiculed.” That wave of “gross” (also known as em[barf]otion) can happen to you, too. Because even though you’re encouraging this mindset that is ultimately beneficial for all involved, you’re not past being on the end that’s pained.

(Refer back to the first page where you told yourself you should leave room for error, question entire existence)

So, when it does happen, deal with your emotions healthily. Grieve, but do so briefly and discreetly. Embrace time with yourself, and know that as fucking banal as this may sound, happiness comes from within, and you will be happier alone and thinking than continuing to entertain stagnancy.

You merely must realize that this “pain” is so very temporary compared to the continuance of failing at an impossibility. And you just might find someone who can’t divert their eyes from your curious glances, hungering to learn something. Never getting too comfortable. And never forgetting to gain knowledge.

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There’s no reality except the one contained within us. That’s why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within them to assert itself.

Hermann Hesse (via lazyyogi)

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You cannot be rid of problems without abandoning illusions.

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj (via lazyyogi)

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Help, my dog is becoming a giant.