etherealising

[etherealising]

That was the last sunrise I ever saw. Perhaps the kindest thing the dark gift has given me. // It was the last time I saw my brother. It was the last time I saw the sun. It was the only time I ever felt free.

Interview with the Vampire (2022 - ) // Sinners (2025)

[etherealising]

Annie: There are legends of people born with the gift of making music so true, it can pierce the veil between life and death; conjuring spirits from the past...and the future. In ancient Ireland, they were called Filí. In Choctaw land, they called them Fire Keepers. And in West Africa, they were called Griots. This gift can bring healing to their communities. But it also...attracts evil....

Sinners (2025)

[etherealising]

interlude one | my everything...

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing(s): carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

summary: all it takes is one question from the girl carmy's been crushing on to send him spiraling. or, alternatively; the beginning of the end of your friendship with one carmen berzatto.

warning(s): vague mentions of terminal illness | talks of death |minimal editing |

wc: 8.7k

May 2013

Carmy stood behind your sitting figure, his arms caging you against the counter while his chin rested on your shoulder. He was doing his best to keep up with your corrections and explanations of the mind map he'd made for his English final analysis, but for the life of him, he just couldn't seem to follow along.

He let his eyes drift to the clock on the wall for a moment noting that you still had 30 minutes left in your shift, the restaurant was pretty empty allowing the two of you to squeeze in some time for your studies, which he appreciated considering he needed all the help he could get and it didn't hurt that it allowed the two of you to hang out. Something he was doing his best to take advantage of while the two of you were still in the same city, with graduation just a month away, he'd be leaving soon, a fact he seemingly forgot to bring up whenever he was in your company.

"Carmy, c'mon, I thought you were serious about this." Carmy was pulled from his thoughts as you spoke, eyes moving from the clock on the wall, only to find your head turned in his direction, your face just centimeters from his. "You're not even listening to me."

He found himself smiling at the slight whine in your voice and the adorable pout lining your lips, he could recite bits and pieces of the monologue you gave him if you asked him to and it wasn't because he gave a shit about The Illiad but he cared about you and he appreciated the time you were taking away from your own finals preparations to help him out.

"You know I always pay attention to you," his smile widened at the sight of you rolling your eyes and grumbling under your breath before moving to wrap one of his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into his chest for a hug, you tilted your head back to look up at him as he looked down on you. "Awe, c'mon, I promise, Baby."

Carmy watched as a small smile lined your lips, waiting for you to respond, only for the sound of a throat clearing to pull him from the trance he found himself trapped in while staring at you. His eyes shot forward, widening as he took in the figure standing opposite the two of you, before he rushed to distance himself from you, trying to ignore the subtle frown beginning to overtake your features.

"Um, I'm sorry for interrupting, but I was hoping I could put in an order." Carmy stood there, unsure of what to do with himself as he listened to you transition back into customer service mode.

"Claire, hey! Of course, what can I get for you?" He wasn't aware that you were on a first-name basis with the girl, but he drowned out the conversation happening in front of him and dropped his gaze to the ground in hopes it would make him less noticeable, wishing he could sneak off to the dining area without making a complete and utter fool of himself. By the time he raised his eyes, he found himself alone in the front of the restaurant with Claire gently smiling at him as the two of them stood in an awkward silence.

"So, um, how long have the two of you been together?" At the sound of Claire's question, Carmy furrowed his eyebrow, unsure if she was asking what he thought she was. The confusion on his face must have alerted her to his lack of understanding as she spoke up again. "She's your girlfriend, right? Sorry, it's none of my business."

He watched the way she shrank in on herself, adjusting her glasses as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he was talking with a girl who wasn't you, a girl who he'd been crushing on for longer than he could remember. And that thought alone prompted his response.

"No!" He silently cursed himself at the way his loud voice caused Claire to flinch before finishing his explanation. "Sorry, uh, yeah she's my girlfriend...not, n-no I mean she's like my girl w-who is also a friend." Carmy watched as she nodded, a feeling of warmth blooming in his chest even though the conversation wasn't off to the greatest start.

"Oh...okay," neither of them seemed to know how to keep the conversation going as they avoided each other's eyes, silence settling around them. "What's with the whole 'Baby' thing if you don't mind me asking?"

He nodded, taking a step closer to the counter so he wouldn't have to speak so loudly, "It's a uh nickname."

"Like 'Dirty Dancing'?"

Carmy offered Claire a small smile and nodded before another idle silence pierced through the front of the restaurant. He could hear everyone shuffling around in the back, sure you were helping to get the big dinner order Claire put in finished, so she didn't have to wait much longer.

"I've had a few classes with her, she's really nice and pretty cool to talk to." Claire seemed to be growing more comfortable with the conversation, which only helped to make Carmy feel a bit more confident in the whole situation. "I'm sorry for assuming the two of you were together, I just...I see you hanging out all the time, and well, everyone kind of thinks you're dating, so...yeah."

The smile on Carmy's face dropped, giving way to a frown. This was news to him, but it made sense considering he was a bit of a loner outside of having you and Fak. "We uh grew up together, you know...so guess that kind of explains it. But, I-I don't really think I could ever see her that way, s-she's my best friend I mean but I would never want to be with her i-in that capacity or any other," he trailed off hoping his words sounded as convincing as he was trying to make them seem even though he could feel doubt creeping up on him.

Before he could hear Claire's response, you walked back to the front with to-go bags in hand and began ringing Claire up.

"Sorry for the wait." Carmy found himself disappearing into the background once more as you and Claire engaged in conversation. He couldn't explain why, but Claire's theory surrounding the two of you kept pushing to the forefront of his mind, and he found his gaze drifting to the back of your head as her words rang in his ears. Carmy would be lying if he said he'd never thought of you in that way or didn't have the occasional inappropriate dream, but he chalked that all up to just being a teenager with hormones.

"Bye Carmen...I'll see you at school." He looked at Claire in surprise before sending a shy wave in her direction and watching as she left the establishment, hoping she didn't notice the flinch at the use of his full name, something he only tolerated from you.

He stood there for a moment longer before moving to collect his school supplies and help you wipe down the counters as he usually did whenever he was your ride home. You disappeared into the kitchen before returning with a bucket and rags, the two of you working in tandem to get everything clean, and all the while, all he could think of was what life would be like if the two of you were more than just friends.

Carmy's vision was blocked by the feel of two soft hands cupping his eyes and blocking out any sunlight. He felt his body relaxing back into yours, only knowing it was you because he could smell the perfume you always wore.

"Guess who?" Carmy felt himself involuntarily shudder as your whispered words caressed his ear, his heart beating just a bit faster. A sense of confusion raced through him, surprised by his reaction considering the number of times you'd done this before.

He reached up, gripping your hands and pulling them off his eyes, forcing you to slouch over his back as he pulled your arms down his torso. "I dunno, you kinda sound like this girl that pelted me with potatoes when we were six because I wouldn't play with her."

Your soft laughter rang through Carmy's ears while your arms moved to wrap around his shoulders as you hugged him from behind. He found a smile growing on his face when your face dropped next to his, your own smile on full display, "See how much more fun it is when you actually play along, Bear?"

Whatever reply Carmy prepared was stolen by the feel of your lips ghosting across his cheek, he felt like his heart was going into overdrive as he watched you walk around the table before sitting down across from him. He could tell you were speaking because he could see your lips moving, but the ringing in his ears made whatever you were saying to him incomprehensible. He began subtly shifting in his seat while looking at your lips, remembering just how it felt when they touched his skin moments ago. Carmy was confused, a constant feeling for him ever since his conversation with Claire at The Beef; you'd kissed him on the cheek plenty of times before and he never reacted in this way and he couldn't quite put his finger on what was so different this time, but he needed to figure it out and fast.

"So, have you given prom any thought? Tickets go on sale tomorrow." Your voice pulled Carmy back to reality as he reached for the flyer you slid across the lunch table and began to read the information on it. He knew how much you wanted to go and though he didn't understand your excitement for the event he found himself wanting to go just because you did, Carmy shrugged his shoulders letting the paper drop to the table before gearing up to ask if the two of you should go together only to be stopped by Fak's frantic arrival.

"Baby! Bear!" His lunch tray slamming against the table had you jumping in surprise, leg knocking into Carmy's under the table, before his foot gently tapped the top of yours for reassurance. "I have been sitting on the hottest piece of gossip all day, and now that we're all together, I can finally share."

Carmy listened as you laughed at Fak's eccentric behavior, his eyes being drawn to your smile, feeling one tug at his own lips. "Well, what is it?" The curiosity of your question was mirrored on your face as you looked at Fak, who had taken the empty spot next to Carmy, anticipation seeming to drip off of you.

"Alright, so get this, Claire's cousin Big Denny is dating Frannie's best friend Carla, but Frannie and Big Denny are sneaking around behind Carla's back. And so, because of that Big Denny's at the house sometimes," he paused his explanation to take a bite of his food, hardly giving himself time to finish chewing before he was talking once more. "And so last night Frannie and Big Denny were arguing because Carla found out that they were seeing each other because Josie, Carla's sister who also happens to be Big Denny's ex-wife, and he are sleeping together again, and Big Denny tells Josie everything. And Josie and my mom get their nails done at the same salon, and you know who else gets their nails done there?"

Your hand slamming down against the table in excitement drew a chuckle out of Carmy as he watched you become engrossed in Fak's storytelling. "Carla!"

"What? No Baby, Claire's mom. Why would you guess Carla?" Fak rolled his eyes as though the answer he'd just given even made any sense in the storyline he set up. "Anyway so they're all there getting their nails done, gossiping like us and Claire's mom told my mom that Josie told her that Claire told Carla that Carla told Big Denny that Big Denny told Josie that Claire has been crushing on somebody named Carmen for like months but she never made a move because of his girlfriend but turns out he's single and now she has a shot!"

As the confusion from the explanation cleared from Carmy's system, it gave way to shock as he finally internalized what Fak just admitted, his eyes widening at the new information he learned. He let his eyes stray to you for a moment, instantly clocking the way you seemed to physically deflate, your hand that was on the table now picking at the prom flyer you'd brought with you earlier. When you looked up and locked eyes with Carmy, he watched the forced smile grace your face, knowing that something soured your mood but unsure as to what it was.

"That's really great news for you, Carm, you'll finally get your chance with her." Carmy nodded along to your words, absentmindedly brows furrowing as his eyes danced across your face, hoping to detect some sort of evidence that would help him to understand your change in attitude.

Silence blanketed the table after your congratulations, and Carmy just couldn't wrap his head around the revelation Fak's words brought forth.

"You know, Carm, I thought you'd be more excited than this. I just hand-delivered the most top secret information of my life, and lemme tell you, Bear, it was not easy to come by." Fak resumed eating his lunch, all the while shaking his head in Carmy's direction.

Carmy was excited...at least that's what he was telling himself, but every so often, he would steal a glance at you, and then you were all he could think about. He'd been crushing on Claire for longer than he could remember and to know that he was even on her radar should have put him on cloud nine while he was surprised by the notion that she liked him he just couldn't get over the disappointment he felt every time he looked in your direction and you weren't smiling.

"No offense, Fak, but your storytelling skills could use some work." You shrugged your shoulders at Fak's offended look before reaching to steal one of his cheese fries. "You definitely buried the lede on that one."

A back-and-forth ensued between you and Fak as Carmy sat lost in his thoughts. All the truths he thought he knew about himself seemed to fall apart anytime he let his mind play with the idea of something more between you two. It was all so confusing from the wistful ideas Claire's words about the two of you at The Beef brought up, to his reluctance to feel excited at the opportunity to maybe have a chance with Claire Dunlap if Fak's information was correct. And like clockwork, all his thoughts and confusion kept leading him back to you.

Carmy was pulled out of his subconscious as a body plopped down in the seat next to you, his confusion easily giving way to frustration as Hayden's arm moved to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you flush against him. Carmy didn't think he was a hateful person, and he didn't hate Hayden Ivanovski, but the guy sure did know how to get under his skin without even trying.

Hayden was a recent addition to your trio, and Carmy hadn't minded his company at first. But after a whole school year of watching the two of you share inside jokes he and Fak weren't privy to, the way he constantly touched and flirted with you only helped to fester Carmy's aversion to the guy.

"What gossip did you bring for us today, Fak?" The teen in question straightened up as he began his spiel once more from the top. Carmy didn't hate Hayden, but he hated how charming and charismatic he was, he hated how easily he fit in with your group, and he hated that, overall, Hayden was actually a pretty good guy. But most importantly, he hated the way Hayden would sometimes whisper something in your ear and the way you would lean into him as you laughed, how sometimes you would burry your face in his chest while other times you would look at him with that beautiful bright smile of yours like you were doing right now.

Watching you smile at Hayden with the beaming smile that was once only reserved for Carmy was crushing, and just like everything else, he couldn't understand why.

"Yo, Carm, you listenin' man?" Hayden's fist knocked against the tabletop, letting Carmy know that Fak had finished his retelling. "Said if you're gonna make a move," he watched as Hayden's eyes dipped to the prom flyer, eyes widening as a lightbulb moment went off in his head as he reached for the paper. "Oh shit man, you plannin' to ask her to prom?"

Carmy wasn't sure what to say as everyone at the table awaited his reply, he looked in your direction as if doing so would provide him with whatever answer he was looking for but all he could seem to focus on was the soft features of your face as he began silently dissecting what was so different between this version of you and the version he drew in charcoal.

"You totally should, Carm that's like the best start to any love story." Fak's declaration of excitement pulled Carmy from his study of you, but not before he watched the slight downturn of your lips and the lack of any readable emotion take over your face.

He caught Hayden nodding along before leaning over to high-five with Fak for god knows what, all the while he seemed to be the only one who noticed your lack of interest in the conversation. Carmy tuned the two of them out as they continued a conversation about the event, and all he really cared about in that moment was figuring out what was going on with you. Carmy nudged your foot, catching your attention, brows furrowing as he implored you to give him any sort of hint, wishing for nothing more than for Fak and Hayden to disappear.

"Claire! Hey Claire!" Carmy's head shot in Fak's direction, watching as he stood waving his hand back and forth in the air to flag down Claire from across the quad.

Carmy felt like an asshole as he watched her approach but the last thing he wanted to deal with in that moment was anything Claire related and considering she'd already seen him at the table it wasn't like he could just up and leave.

The clearing of your throat pulled his attention as he watched you gather your belongings, eyes glued to your backpack as you packed your items. You finished just as Claire arrived at the table, standing and turning to smile at her.

"Here, take my seat. I was just leaving to speak with my guidance counselor."

Carmy frowned at your words, knowing full well they were an excuse, because you were dodging your counselor at every opportunity. Watching as you walked away, he couldn't help the feeling of disappointment beginning to take root in him. He wanted nothing more than to catch up with you and make sure you were okay, but he knew doing so would likely end up feeding Claire's previous theory about you and him. 

Your figure disappeared into the distance, forcing him to focus his attention on the conversation that Fak and Hayden started up with Claire. He sent her a small welcoming smile as he caught her eye, hoping he didn't appear as awkward as he felt. As the lunch period dragged on with him adding little to nothing of substance to the conversation, he found himself grateful as Fak waved off his lack of talking as being shy when in reality, he just no longer had any interest in even being there.

As Carmy sat there, forcing himself to try and be an active participant in the conversation, he realized that he didn't have things all figured out like he once thought. Because instead of being in the moment and getting to know Claire better, he wanted nothing more than to be by your side, providing you the comfort that you seemed to need.

The sound of your bedroom door opening pulled your attention from the history DBQ you were dead set on completing before heading out for dinner at the Berzattos. Upon glancing up you spotted Carmy stepping into your room, sending a small smile his way before returning to your school work.

"My mom send you to come get me?" You had a habit of losing track of time when you wanted to get something over and done with, having been late to dinner a multitude of times after telling your mom you'd meet her across the street.

Carmy's face appearing in your line of sight made you smile as you stopped writing so he could make himself comfortable next to you, watching as he copied the position you were lying in before snatching up one of the stuffed animals situated at the head of your bed. Not surprised to see he picked the one he'd bought you for your birthday.

"No, uh, I came over on my own, feel like I've barely seen you this week." You watched as he glanced at your assignment, pulling it over to see it better before scrunching his nose up and leaving it alone.

As much as you didn't want to admit it, you knew you were avoiding him. Ever since Fak spilled the beans last week at lunch, you knew Carmy and Claire were hanging out more, and you weren't sure how to navigate being around him now that he had a chance for something to happen with the girl. You told yourself you were doing him a favor, taking yourself out of the picture so he could finally get what he longed for, but in reality, you did so in hopes of protecting yourself from the heartbreak you knew seeing him happy with someone else would bring.

"Yeah, sorry, just kind of been putting all of my focus into passing my finals," you sent him an apologetic look as you lied through your teeth and pushed your homework out of the way before turning to lie on your side so you were facing him. "But talk to me, Bear, what's going on with you?"

Carmy mimicked your position and hugged the stuffed animal to his chest as he looked at you. "I kinda have uh this dilemma...a girl dilemma." You nodded along to Carmy's words, encouraging him to let you know his issues.

"Well, uh, I think... no, I know I like Claire, b-but recently I've been...having doubts, I guess. I mean I still think Claire's really cool a-and pretty and it's nice talking to her, but I just...I'm confused." You forced your feelings for the boy in front of you to the back burner, not wanting to be selfish in whatever advice you could offer to him.

A moment of silence passed between the two of you while you tried to gather your thoughts in the best way possible. You wanted to give Camry as unbiased an opinion as you could. But if you were being honest with yourself, you were probably the last person who should have been giving him any advice on this topic.

Taking a deep breath, you offered him your best comforting smile, "For starters, Carm, you should have more than two reasons for liking someone, especially if one of them is only because of physical attributes. But what type of doubts have you been having? Are you just scared that Fak got his info wrong and that's why you haven't asked Claire to prom yet?"

You watched as he shrugged, his fingers gently playing with the bow on your bear, hinting at just how nervous he was to be having this conversation with you.

"You know you can tell me anything, Bear, I won't judge you."

Carmy's eyes met yours, and you couldn't help but feel a bit unnerved by the intensity of his gaze. You followed the movement of his eyes as they darted across your face, his slow perusal of your features made your skin crawl, and his prolonged silence wasn't doing any favors to assuage how warm his gaze made you feel. Before you could question him, his eyes found yours once more as he cleared his throat, hand moving to scratch the back of his neck.

"I just...how do you know if you really like someone? Like with you, Baby, how did you uh realize you liked your you know...mystery guy?" You didn't miss the way Carmy frowned as he asked the question, but you were too caught up in your surprise to delve into that at the moment.

If you didn't know Carmy was being serious, you might have laughed his question off, but you just told him you wouldn't judge him. The question blindsided you; this wasn't a normal topic of conversation for the two of you, while you admitted to having a crush on someone, Carmy obviously still didn't know the object of your affection. And for the most part, you were happy to keep it that way, making sure to not bring up the topic while in conversation with Carmy, the longer you thought on it though you began to realize every time your love life came up in conversation with him, it was always Carmy bringing it up. But as you sat there dumbstruck by the question, you couldn't think of a logical, let alone a believable, reason to avoid it.

"I don't think I can pinpoint a specific moment," you couldn't believe you were talking about this with Carmy, but maybe doing so would make it easier for you when you finally came to terms with the truth of your situation. "It sounds dumb, but it just kind of happened...it was like this build-up of all the little moments, you know? And then one day I remember just looking at him and I dunno, I guess everything just clicked, and I...I kind of just realized that he was my person...or well...at least I thought he was."

"What happened?" Your eyes shot to Carmy's, surprised to see how enraptured he was by your words, "I just I mean...how do you know he's not your person i-if you've never told him how you feel?"

A chuckle was your only answer as you turned to lie on your back, eyes focused on the ceiling. You felt the bed shift as Carmy moved closer, seemingly intrigued by the turn of conversation. "I'm second best in his eyes, Carm," you let your head loll to the side, looking at Carmy as you watched his brows knot in confusion. "That's probably not fair to say, considering he doesn't know how I feel...but he has someone else, and telling him that I like him would just be selfish. I wouldn't want to ruin things for him."

You gave Carmy a sad smile, realizing the explanation didn't take any weight off your shoulders; instead, you just felt heavier. The space where your heart resided seemed to ache as you lay next to him.

Carmy moved closer, his chest brushing against the outside of your arm as he settled once more. You blinked in surprise, watching as his face hovered over yours, appearing in your line of sight, just barely blocking the daylight illuminating your room from your vision.

"What about you?" Your brows furrowed at his question, a silent plea for him to explain more. "I mean w-what if there's someone else...for you?"

Only a moment passed before the words were out of your mouth.

"Is there someone else for you, Bear?" Your eyes locked on his, gaze full of curiosity as you waited for him to answer. Answering his question with the same one he asked you wasn't the best decision, but you were no longer interested in talking about your romantic interests, and maybe hearing him talk about his would help bring you back down to reality and push you past the crush you harbored on him.

A prolonged silence settled between the two of you as you held each other's gaze. Carmy seemed deep in thought, eyes not leaving your face as the minutes ticked by. This look on his face wasn't one you'd seen before, any other time you could easily tell what his train of thought was just by the littlest emotions crossing his face, but as the silence stretched between you, you couldn't help but to wish you knew what was going on inside his head.

"Y-yeah...I think there might be."

You blinked in surprise, doing your best to hide the emotions his honesty seemed to stir up inside of you. Before you could get a word out, Carmy's hand raised between the two of you, hovering for just a moment before slowly moving toward your face, the palm of his calloused hand cupping your cheek as his thumb gently caressed your under eye.

"Your eyes...I can never get them right when I draw you." Although his words were whispered, you heard him.

Warmth bloomed in your chest at this new piece of information, you were shocked to hear that Carmy tried committing your features to paper. And you weren't sure what this revelation meant, but the atmosphere in your room felt charged as you lay there nearly tucked into his chest. Carmy's face was only inches above yours as he continued the soft smoothing motion of his thumb against your skin.

"You draw me?"

Your voice was equally as breathy as his, as you relaxed into his touch, feeling as his appendage traced the planes of your face before brushing across your eyebrow.

A small, barely there smile curved his lips, juxtaposing the deep blush that began to settle on his cheeks.

The movement was subtle, and you weren't sure if it was you who leaned up or him who leaned down, but the tips of your noses grazed against each other's as he uttered one word that had your head spinning as you tried to figure out what this moment meant; if anything at all.

"Always."

You inhaled deeply, breathing his one-word answer in as you did, your eyes roved back and forth between his, trying to figure out if the tension you felt was mirrored in his eyes or if you were just reading into things. Hesitantly, you moved to grip his hand, holding it in place where it cupped your cheek.

Hope was the wish of fools, but in the short seconds when his eyes dropped to your lips, you felt pathetic as a sliver of your being couldn't help but to hope that you might have been that someone else Carmy was talking about.

Three loud knocks on your bedroom door quickly pulled you out of whatever trance you were caught in. You and Carmy jumped apart as the door swung open, revealing Mikey's figure in the hall.

"What the hell are you two doin'? Dinners almost done, and you know Ma won't let us eat without the two of you." He stood there with his arms crossed frown on his face as he looked at you both. You avoided his gaze, embarrassed by what you almost let transpire between you and Carmy, knowing how much it would likely hurt Claire.

You felt the moment Mikey's eyes left your figure, breathing a sigh of relief as he turned his full attention on Carmy, whatever he saw there pulling a light-hearted chuckle from him.

"Ya know what just get outta here, before I bust your asses for being in here with the door closed."

Mortification flooded you at the implication of his words, knowing he wasn't too far off in his accusations. You slid off the edge of the bed, turning to face Carmy, hoping to nip whatever awkwardness may linger between the two of you in the bud, only to find him slightly hunched over himself, gripping your stuffed bear for dear life in his lap.

The clearing of Mikey's throat pulled your attention. "Baby, why don't you go help 'em finish? Carmy and I'll lock up."

If he thought you might question him, he was mistaken, as you took the opportunity to remove yourself from the situation, not wanting to be in your room any longer with the two brothers.

Making your way through the house, you couldn't help but replay the moment between you and Carmy over and over again on a loop. A part of you was sure there was something there, and the desire to attempt and confess your feelings for him raced through you once more.

But as quickly as those thoughts emerged, they were disregarded just as quickly, as you recalled the words he'd spoken to Claire that day at The Beef. You were his best friend, and in Carmy's eye, that's all you would ever be, and you would always have to live with that fact, no matter how much it hurt you.

Because if keeping Carmy in your life meant pretending you hadn't felt more of him, then you would do so if that's what he wanted.

"Alright, Baby, ready to get going?" Mikey's voice pulled your attention from the book you were reading as you waited for him to take you home.

You nodded in response to his question before stuffing the book in your bag and getting up to follow him to the parking lot. A small appreciative smile lined your lips as he unlocked the car and opened the passenger door for you, allowing you to get comfortable before closing in and making his way around the car and joining you.

As soon as Mikey started the car, you began flipping through the radio station, searching for something enjoyable to listen to on the ride home, lest the older man make you listen to whatever he was in the mood for.

He chuckled at your eagerness as he exited the parking lot "Hey you got time for some ice cream or are you in a rush to get home and finish that borin' ass book?"

You scoffed at his question, "First of all, it's not boring, and I always have time when you're paying Mikey."

Mikey's chuckle reached your ears as he shook his head at your words. The two of you settled in, allowing the music on the radio to be the only noise in the car. Moments alone with Mikey were few and far between recently, and it wasn't because you had outgrown the man, but with work, taking care of your mom, and trying to graduate high school, there was little free time for you to take advantage of.

You smiled as the car rolled to a stop, not at all surprised to see the sign for Margie's Candies, a favorite of yours since you could remember. You and Mikey exited the car at the same time before heading inside, the sun barely beginning to set as you chose a booth.

Neither of you reached for a menu, already knowing exactly what you wanted, and a waiter wasn't far behind, quickly taking your order before leaving the two of you alone once more.

"So, Michael, what are we doing here?" You smiled as he rolled his eyes before imploring him with a questioning look.

There was usually only one of two reasons for a visit to Margie's, and it was either celebrating an accomplishment or to sweeten the blow of bad news with decadent ice cream. Mikey opened his mouth, only to stop as the waiter returned with your orders the both of you giving your thanks.

A contented sigh escaped you as you dug into your ice cream before taking a bite out of the delicious treat, savoring the sweetness of it all.

"How're you doing, Baby?" The seriousness of Mikey's voice confused you as you moved your eyes from your ice cream to stare at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his question. He ate a spoonful of his own ice cream before speaking up. "I uh...I know things are tough for you right now. Just trynna see where your head's at is all."

You nodded slowly, not fully believing his reasoning but deciding to just go with it. "I-I'm good, I think? Really just focusing on making sure mom is okay and finishing senior year strong."

Mikey hummed at your answer, and you could see as you stayed focused on his eyes that there was more to this conversation. He nodded once before returning to his dessert. You followed suit, but you couldn't help the apprehension beginning to settle in your gut. The two of you sat in a prolonged silence for a few moments more, and just when you thought it was fine to lower your guard, Mikey spoke up.

"Oh yeah, how's those college applications coming along?" His question gave you a momentary pause, a spoonful of ice cream halfway to your mouth before you forced yourself to move once more, the ice cream feeling heavy in your stomach as you swallowed.

The line of your shoulders raised in a shrug as you took a minute to gather your thoughts, "Good, just waiting to hear back from the ones I applied to."

You looked up from your bowl at the sound of Mikey sucking his teeth watching as his eyebrows furrowed. You felt your stomach drop as he leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table, hand raised to wipe a hand across his mouth before leveling his gaze on you.

"You sure?" The tone of his voice let you know the next answer out of your mouth needed to be truthful.

Holding Mikey's gaze proved to be a struggle, and as soon as you looked away, you knew you'd lost the battle. "Yeah, I told you I just haven't-"

"Heard back?" He cut you off from finishing your sentence, and that's when you realized he wasn't looking for an explanation; he just wanted to see if you'd lie to him. "Baby, why the hell is Carmy hiding your acceptance letters?"

A defeated sigh parted your lips as you pushed your bowl of ice cream away from you before deflating back into your seat. You looked around the parlor, noting the few other patrons, wondering if their conversations were going any better than yours.

"He's not hiding them." You shrugged, unsure of what else to say, wishing you were anywhere but here right now.

"Really? Is that why they're all hidden between the pages of his sketchbooks?"

A slight feeling of relief filled you at knowing Carmy had kept his promise, and that Mikey was just too nosy for his own good, likely having come across the letters by accident. You hadn't spoken with Carmy since that day in your bedroom, and you knew he was avoiding you as much as you were avoiding him. 

"Your mom know about this?"

"No, and you aren't going to tell her."

Mikey's eyebrows raised at your tone of voice. He'd watched you grow up and dealt with your attitude plenty of times before, "Watch it." His words weren't a request but rather a warning All he wanted to understand was why you were being sneaky about college, it wasn't his place to tell your mom. "Just talk to me, Baby, what's goin' on?"

The table was quiet as you bit your lip in contemplation, eyes locked on the bowl in front of you. You felt the need to apologize for your smart mouth, knowing Mikey likely wouldn't go to your mom unless you were in danger. But you also wanted to avoid this conversation at all costs, avoid the truth that both you and your mom were pretending didn't exist.

A resigned sigh finally left your lips as you met Mikey's gaze, doing your best to keep your composure. "My mom has worked so hard to give me the life I deserve, she's my biggest cheerleader, and I know she'd be proud if she found the letters, but...there's no getting better for her-"

You trailed off as your eyes welled with tears, your bottom lip beginning to tremble as you worked to keep the tears at bay. "And I-I don't wanna be halfway across the world when mama goes."

Mikey's sharp intake of breath was all you heard before he got up and squished himself into the booth next to you. No words were exchanged between the two of you as he pulled you into his side and allowed you to bury your face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around your chin, pressing into your head. You were thankful to have chosen one of the booths in the back, embarrassed to be crying in public.

Time continued to pass as Mikey held you there, hand gently smoothing up and down your back to help calm you down before placing a gentle kiss atop your head. "You sure you're not just staying for my idiot brother?"

You knew Mikey meant for the question to be funny, but it just brought on a whole new wave of emotions for you, helping to open a Pandora's box of all your repressed feelings - good and bad - toward the youngest Berzatto.

Your whine of annoyance at the mention of his brother pulled a chuckle out of Mikey, his arm moving to rest across the back of the booth as his fingers began messing with the collar of your jacket.

"Gonna tell me what I walked in on the other day?"

It was obvious he already had his ideas about what almost happened between you and Carm, either that or he'd already spoken with his brother about the near incident.

You let out a frustrated groan before rubbing your hands down your face. "Literally nothing that even matters." Meeting Mikey's gaze let you know he didn't believe your words for a second, causing even more frustration to bubble up inside you. "Look, I don't know, okay! One moment he's telling me he needs girl advice and the next he's waxing poetic about my eyes, and I think we're about to kiss but we can't because well, for one, you walk in, and oh, did I forget to mention he's stupidly in love with someone else. And there I was, seconds from being a home wrecker to a home that doesn't even exist, and don't even get me started on the fact that everyone has a prom date but me, and...and why are you laughing at me? This is serious, Mikey?"

The older man responded by pulling you into a hug and resting his chin against your head, "Just good to see you worried about teenager shit, you're growin' up too fast." You relaxed into his arms, letting his words sink in and realizing how right he was. You had so much responsibility thrust upon your shoulders that you hadn't gotten the chance to live and enjoy your senior year.

"Thought you were supposed to tell the kid how you felt months ago? What happened to that?"

A resigned scoff escaped your lips as you sat up once more, "Claire Dunlap happened and it's not like it's her fault I mean from the few interactions I've had with her she's pretty cool," you trailed off unsure of what to say, it wasn't like there was much you could do to change the way Carmy felt. "And before the whole bedroom situation, he made it crystal clear he'll never see me as more than a friend."

The man next to you let out a contemplative hum as he digested your words. "Carm tell you that?"

"Not directly," you shrugged as you answered. "I overheard him speaking with Claire at The Beef, and when she assumed we were dating, he denied the whole thing with so much disgust it almost made me question if he even liked me as a friend in general."

As you gazed up at Mikey, you saw his eyes narrow at your words. What was going through his mind, you had no clue, but he seemed to be thinking hard about something. "You ask him about what he said then?"

"Eww, what, no!" You deflated into yourself following the exclamation. "Then he would know I was eavesdropping and I...I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that type of rejection from him. In a way, it's easier to just watch him get what he's always wanted, I mean it doesn't hurt any less, but a verbal rejection would just make it all too real."

Mikey nodded at your words trying to understand why you teens made shit so complicated these days. "Baby, why don't you just tell 'em how you feel? What's the worst that could happen?"

You scowled at the older man sure he'd lost his goddamned mind. "I just told you. He's my best friend, and I know if I admitted my feelings to him, it would just ruin everything."

Mikey tried his hardest to understand where you were coming from, he had to remember that you were still just a teenager and most everything felt like the end of the world to you. "You ever stop to think he might feel the same?" He raised his eyebrows in question.

Any other time, you might have brushed his words off and chalked it up to him joking, but he was really pressing the issue, and that alone made you suspicious.

"Did he say something to you?"

A shrug was all you got in response before Mikey removed himself from the booth, "C'mon, gotta get you home before the streetlights come on."

The conversation ended there, with Mikey ignoring your question and you following behind him in contemplative silence as he led you out to the car.

The car halted to a stop in your driveway, you lifted your head from where it was settled against the window, unbuckling your seat belt before turning to look at Mikey. "All of the street lights were on by the way."

Mikey let out a hearty laugh shoving at your shoulder, "Yeah, alright smart ass."

You sent him one last smile, turning to exit the car before the sound of Mikey calling your name stopped you in your tracks, curiosity filling you at the way he blatantly chose not to use the nickname he'd bestowed upon you all those years ago.

Settling back into the seat, you turned your whole body in his direction, facing him head-on as a frown pulled at your eyebrows. He was speaking up before a question of concern could leave your lips.

"You know I'm proud of you, right?" Warmth filled your chest at the praise, shyness overcoming you at his words, never sure how to accept a compliment. "But you gotta promise me you'll get outta here. I understand why you're not going off to college right away, and I'll be right here supportin' you through it all, but Baby...I need you to make better for yourself, alright?"

You were at a loss for words, a foreboding emotion, feeling your chest as you nodded along in understanding.

"You're gonna do big fucking things, Baby, and I'll be proud of whatever you do but don't forget about us little guys okay." A watery laugh bubbled up out of your mouth, the confusion still ever present as you tried to understand what brought on this topic of conversation.

"I could never forget about you, Brother Bear." You teased, the childhood nickname you gave Mikey, pulling his lips into a smile. "I'm gonna write about you one day, Mikey, gotta remember you to do that." You watched as he just stared at your eyes, roaming over your face, you reached across the console pressing a quick kiss on his cheek, assuming the conversation was over.

Mikey's hand reached out to grab your arm, "You gonna look out for Carmy no matter where life takes both of you, right?" You nodded at the question, feeling no need to elicit a verbal response. "Just keep an eye out for me, will you, you're good for Carmy. Even if he ain't seen it yet," You weren't sure exactly what Mikey meant by that, but you didn't dwell on it as you agreed to his terms.

"Come on now, Mikey, you Berzatto's are stuck with me for life, you can't get rid of me that easily." You smiled, watching as Mikey's gaze stayed serious, worry growing once more in my chest.

"I need to hear you say it, Baby, promise me you'll leave when you get a chance and look out for Carm?"

There was a slight tone of desperation in his words, and the longer you stared at them, the more clearly you could see that emotion swimming in his eyes. You nodded once in acquiescence before speaking up. "Yeah...I promise you, Mikey."

And just as quickly as the serious atmosphere entered the conversation, a joking one bled into the car as Mikey spoke once more. "Alright, now get your ass in the house, Baby, I told your mom I'd stop bringing you home so late," you nodded hesitating before picking your backpack up from by your feet on the floor.

Exiting the car, you quickly walked to your front door, turning back to send Mikey a wave as he watched you get in safely.

Mikey sighed as he reversed the car back into his driveway across the street. He didn't want to mention it, but he could already see the relationship between you and his younger brother beginning to fracture. You had always given Carmy too much of yourself, and as your crush on the teenager developed, you only grew more selfless when it came to cutting off parts of yourself to give to him.

After catching you and Carmy in that compromising position and then sitting his little brother down for a well-needed heart-to-heart, he realized just by listening to him speak about you that Carmy harbored feelings for you as well. But while trying to be helpful and lead his brother to unpack and understand his feelings toward you, he may have ended up doing more harm than good as Carmy vehemently denied the claims instead focusing the conversation on Claire.

Mikey sat in the car for a moment longer watching as the lights in your house began flickering off it was foolish for him to think yours and Carmy's friendship could withstand the test it was about to go through, but knowing how confused Carmy was about his feelings he knew it wouldn't be long until the teen was crossing a line he wouldn't be able to come back from.

a/n: interludes are finally back yay!! love, love, love, writing about young barby they're both just idiots.

also never seen shameless a day in my life but lip gifs are just perfect for young carmy he's such a cutie!

please enjoy 🫶🏼

[etherealising]

and so it begins!

the way my shift starts in 6 hours and i haven't even gone to sleep yet : (

[etherealising]

the way my shift starts in 6 hours and i haven't even gone to sleep yet : (

[etherealising]

genuinely look forward to seeing your recaps, they're one of my favorite parts of writing and posting 💕

another beautiful chapter. this one hit home a bit for me. ik well what it’s like to live in dysfunction and to be numb to it all after a while. while i must give hayden his flowers for doing what i wish anyone at that table would’ve done (in the actual show and in this case) and handing lee his fucking ass, i felt for carmy in that moment too. that response of freezing and just waiting for it to be over, was too familiar and broke my heart a bit.

i can definitely agree with you on that my love, i think that's why this show is so special to me because it just feels real a bit too real at times : ( . we love hayden standing up for our girl and treating her like the main character as everyone should be!! but yeah carmy disassociating in this moment is so on brand for him and it makes sense considering he grew up around it and it really is so heartbreaking because ya know "product of your environment" and everything and you really see carmy's upbringing stuck with him throughout the seasons (also can we talk about how as viewer's we're forced to believe that richie is the one stuck in his ways and doesn't want to change but as the show goes on we learn its actually carmy like c'mon!!)

i don’t remember this story exactly but at an old job of mine a coworker and i were talking about a spider problem she was having were she lived. how she would just spray them and manage them herself because she was all the help she had and a friend came over and was basically like “girl, you live like this?” and she was like “yeah yk it is what it is”. she was used to chaos and at the time was just grateful to finally have a place of her own. and then we talked about how in one way coming from that kind of stuff makes you okay with dysfunction, but it also makes you…okay with dysfunction.

no because why am i tearing up at this anecdote at 9 am on a Monday?!?!? and that's literally it, it takes someone else pointing it out for you to take a step back and realize you know this is not a healthy coping mechanism and then the process of having to unlearn that especially as an adult is sooo hard.

it becomes normal, expected, or even preferred. and if thats not carmy idk what is.

hit the nail on the head my girl, and as a viewer its so easy to recognize that but as you continue watching you understand why carmy is the way he is and it all just starts to make so much freaking sense 😭

i’ve said this before but every time i get to come back and read another chapter of this story i smile so hard. it’s like i’m there. and the more and you expand on it, it just gets better and better. i wanna say again how proud and happy i am that you have decided to follow your heart and write this story the way you always wanted to. i hope you continue to do so because it absolutely shows through.

its messages like these that truly make me happy to have ever posted the first version of this fic. it has allowed me to do something i love and enjoy while letting me hone my craft at the same time. knowing people love this fic/universe as much as me makes me so happy and i'm so happy i get to share it with you all. i promise baby and carmy will get a finished story and all your support even supporting my decision to rewrite really means the world to me and i'm glad this silly little fic has grown such a loving community. thank you so much (i'm so emotional that i'm crying but they're tears of joy) 😭🫶🏼🤍

three | dinner with the berzattos

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

summary: you do your best to make the most of the holiday, but instead find carmy is the topic of your conversations. and being under the same roof as him does nothing to help...oh well at least it's almost time for dinner, what more could go wrong?

warning(s): angst | fluff | pining | semi-unrequited love | minimally edited

wc: 6.8k

housekeeping: wowza long time no see! so sorry for just disappearing it was definitely not in my plans but here we are. firstly thank you everyone for sticking by me through all the back and forth of me being gone and randomly coming back. also updates will continue to be sporadic i want to try and post a chapter at least once or twice a month, so this way i can get a backlog going. other than that enjoy this update 🫶🏼

The sound of laughter could be heard through the door of Donna’s bedroom. The two women occupying it caught up with each other like no time passed at all. You were lying on the end of Donna’s bed, elbow propped up so your hand could hold your head up. Tiff was in front of you sitting up slightly from you adjusting her pillows when you first appeared in the room.

“Wait so Richie blew up your mom’s microwave?” The words came out between the laughs that wracked Tiffany’s body. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she listened to your account of the story.

You sat up rapidly head nodding to confirm Tiff’s question, “Exactly, Mikey volunteered to pick my mom and me up from her chemo appointment, and Richie bless his soul was trying to make dinner for us.” You paused as you couldn’t stop giggling at the memory, “He couldn’t find any plates, so he put fucking foil in the microwave, and by the time we got home the house was full of smoke and there were scorch marks on the wall.” You couldn’t help but to lean over clenching your stomach at the belly-aching laugh the memory induced. Tiff doing no better, hand gently cradling her bump as she tried to catch her breath.

Finally getting enough air into her lungs Tiff spoke up, “Wha-What did your mom do?” She searched your eyes waiting to hear your explanation.

Your laughter finally settled down allowing you to finish your story, “Absolutely nothing! My mom was so sweet on Richie he could’ve burnt the house down and she would’ve thanked him for it!” The laughter in the room took over once again as the two of you imagined how much your mom’s little crush inflated Richie’s ego.

The two of you finally calmed down sitting in the ambience that a memory from your younger years left behind. Tiff did her best to sit up, careful not to move too quickly in case it induced a bout of nausea. Her hands reached out gently clasping yours in her embrace, “I’m sorry she couldn’t be here with us today.” The slight squeeze she sent you helped convey the raw emotion she felt, the small sad smile gracing her lips also doing its best to comfort you.

You nodded, sending a small smile her way, eyes quickly leaving hers to dart around the room, not comfortable enough to see the earnestness in her blue eyes. You cleared your throat trying to ground yourself, “You expect it to get easier, but it always hits the hardest around the holidays especially when I’m not spending it with all of you.” You let out a pathetic little laugh doing your best to not let the gloomy feeling settle over the room.

You squeezed Tiff’s hands back finally finding her eyes again, “Speaking of, I took up one of her traditions and I made something for you, well the baby.” You watched as Tiff let out a quiet gasp, she’d met your mom a handful of times when she and Richie first began dating and the two always bonded over all of the things your mom used to sew and crochet before it became too much for her ailing health. You recalled how she fell in love with the baby blanket your mom made for you when she was pregnant, wishing her relationship with her mom brought forth such love.

Before you could get up to retrieve the present from the car, the bedroom door opened as Hayden let himself into the room. “Well, aren’t you two just a pair of cute gossipers?”

His demeanor made you frown, his posture was more relaxed, words almost slow as he spoke them, and a dopey grin lined his lips as he looked between you and Tiff.

“Are you high?” Your voice was incredulous as you watched Hayden cover his giggles behind his hand, the idea of Hayden being high wasn’t something new to you, he introduced you to recreational drugs in the first place. But seeing him high on Christmas made you realize just how severely he was taking the break-up with Sasha and maybe you were a bad friend because you’d been so cut up about reuniting with Carmy that you hadn’t stopped to think about the facade he was putting on.

Tiff patted the space between the two of you inviting Hayden to join you. Hayden happily clapped his hands together before moving towards the bed, he walked around the foot of the bed and crawled atop it before resting his head in your lap, his mop of hair tickling your legs as his body took up most of the space left.

“Awe, what’s got you so mopey Hay Hay.” Hayden let out a giggle as Tiff used the nickname he randomly earned senior year of high school.

Hayden took a while before answering, something you were all too familiar with when it came to an intoxicated Hayden. He let out a dramatic sigh before beginning to trace patterns into the duvet. “Sasha’s leaving me…but it’s okay I have a new wife already lined up!”

His hand reached up to poke you on the forehead, and the force of it sent your head backward, Tiff gave you a confused look prompting an explanation, and now that you knew who exactly Carmy assumed you were married to you could give a full explanation. “Richie told Carmy Hayden and I were married,” her mouth fell open in a gasp as she nodded “Sounds like Hayden was in on it though.” Your voice held an undertone of annoyance earning a quiet ‘whoopsie’ from the man-child in your lap.

“Wait and he believed him?”

Tiff’s question need only be answered with a single look alone, “He tried to use it as some bullshit excuse against our friendship. Like what the fuck does being married have to do with the two of us trying to be friends again?”

It was almost unnoticeable but you quickly caught on to the look Hayden and Tiff shared between themselves followed by Hayden's giggle letting you know you weren’t in on their secret. “No, what the hell was that?”

“What was what?” Tiff’s words were uttered around the saltine she began chewing on as she tried to avoid the way your eyes narrowed in on her. “Pregnancy brain?”

“You’re pregnant, not stupid.”

Hayden’s guffaw of a laugh surprised you as his body shook atop yours causing you to shake right along with him. “Oh you naive, silly, stupid little girl,” Hayden took his time sitting up somehow maneuvering his tall frame into criss-cross applesauce in the small space atop the bed, you had no time to object before his hands engulfed both sides of your face and he pressed his forehead against yours. “The kids been in love with you our whole lives, my sweet summer child.”

You scoffed shoving the man off of you as Tiff’s giggles mixed with Hayden’s hysterical laughter filled the room, the man had plopped back onto the bed in a raucous fashion, at least Tiff was trying to hide her amusement.

“One adjective would’ve worked just fine Hayden,” you tossed one of the pillows that fell to the floor at his head, only encouraging his laughter. A huff of annoyance left you as you watched the two adults look at each other conspiratorially once more before deciding to call it quits.

You listened as Tiff tried to get an apology out over Hayden’s laughter as you shook your head trying to keep a strong front but slowly failing. “I’m gonna go get your present…keep an eye on him I guess, please.”

Tiff nodded, waving you off before she spoke in Hayden’s direction, the last thing you heard was your name before shutting the door once more.

You made your way downstairs, laughter and loud voices came from the direction of the living room. Walking to the closet where you knew Carmy put your tote bag you quickly grabbed your keys and debated slipping your coat on before ultimately deciding it wouldn’t be necessary. You could hear Mikey’s voice as you made your way out the door, he and Richie recounting one of their many tales. You quickly slipped through the door making sure it closed behind you to not let any cold air in.

Rushing to your rental you popped the trunk reaching for the Christmas-themed gift bag. You reached up to shut your trunk wanting to hurry and get back inside when your eyes landed on the matte black box sitting there. A matching black bow atop it, the white ink that spelled out Carmy’s name glared back at you.

You let go of the trunk letting out an exasperated sigh. You hadn’t planned on buying him anything, but in the weeks leading up to your flight, you let your anxiety guide you after Nat dropped the bomb that Carmy would be home for Christmas and spent hours scouring the internet for something he might like. Against your better judgment, you closed the trunk, you’d give it to Mikey or Nat to hand off to him, you weren’t in any mood to pretend things between the two of you were okay. The sound of another car door closing caught your attention, Pete made his way towards you from across the street letting you glimpse at the Christmas lights on your childhood home, his hand went up in a little wave to greet you. You smiled, raising your hand holding the car keys to return his greeting.

Deciding to wait for him so you could walk in together, your eyes took in the aluminum tray grasped in his hands, “Oh shit.” The expletive left your lips as Pete finally took his place by your side, his goofy grin drew your gaze, and he balanced the tray in one hand to give you a side hug that you willingly leaned into. “Baby! I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!” You snorted at his lame joke considering you were boarding at his house. The two of you began your trek up the sidewalk.

“Oh Pete, your dad jokes never get old, but what’s in the tray?” You nodded your head at the silver rectangle in his hands.

Pete followed your vision before smiling back at you “Tuna casserole! Couldn’t come empty-handed you know.” Pete’s happy-go-lucky energy brought a small smile to your face, and the two of you stopped before entering the house. You turned to him, giving him a serious look before you reached out to gently squeeze his bicep.

“Oh you poor kind soul, they’re gonna fuck you up in there.” The words caused Pete’s smile to falter as you sent him one of your own before walking through the door and holding it open for Pete behind you. As you both walked through the front entrance you caught the tail end of what sounded like a hostile conversation, Pete helping to steal the show by making his presence known. You had half the mind to leave Pete to defend himself, but a part of you would’ve felt bad for letting someone as sweet as Pete take the heat alone. You walked around him sitting on the arm of the chair Mikey was sitting in, his arm moved to wrap around your waist unconsciously.

“You know it’s seven fishes, right Pete?” Mikey’s question drew the rest of the room's attention to the tray Pete was still happily holding. The room burst with voices as almost everyone took turns berating him. You leaned back slightly so you weren’t blocking Mikey’s view before turning your head in Richie’s direction hoping to gain his attention.

You reached behind Mikey’s back to pinch Richie’s arm his eyebrows shooting up an offended look on his features as his head turned to you, “What the fuck was that for Baby? Pete’s the one with the eighth fish.”

You rolled your eyes, palm swatting against the back of his neck, “That’s for letting Carmy think I was married��and to Hayden of all people.” Richie had the decency to look sheepish as he gave you an apologetic smile.

“I mean it was funny at that moment.” He raised his hands in surrender as you reached out to pinch him once more.

A small smile pulled at your lips as you maneuvered the gift bag around Mikey’s imposing body before handing it off to Richie, “Merry Christmas Richie, it's for you and Tiff so don’t open it without her,” You scolded, raising your eyebrows to further cement your message. “I know Mom would’ve done the same if she was still here.” You gave him the warmest smile you could muster.

He gently grabbed the gift bag out of your hand, a slight nod sent in your direction as he gave your hand a comforting squeeze. “Thank you, Baby, means a lot.” You smiled back quickly, turning back to the conversation, not wanting to get caught up in any more unwanted emotions.

Carmy’s voice suddenly broke through the onslaught of shit Pete was being subjected to, “Hey, family. Come on, let’s sit. Okay, dinner’s ready, alright.” Your eyes connected with his baby blues before you quickly looked away playing with Mikey’s fingers as they rested atop your thigh, leaning down when the older man began to whisper in your ear. Missing the way Carmy frowned at the glaringly obvious lack of ring on your finger.

Carmy did his best not to let the sight bother him, it wasn’t any of his business whether or not you wore your ring. Mikey gave him some cryptic ass advice in the pantry earlier about you, that he shouldn’t blindly trust everything he heard and instead should ask you himself, something Carmy tried and failed at doing once already today. The longer he stared at you he couldn’t help but wonder why you and Mikey were so touchy and where the hell was Hayden.

You hadn’t noticed Carmy’s eyes glued to you as you exchanged hushed whispers with Mikey, “Any chance on you and that idiot kissing and making up by the end of Christmas dinner?” Mikey’s words caressed your ears as he allowed you to distract yourself with his fingers.

A small shrug was your only response as you took a moment to gather your thoughts, “I want to Mikey, I do but now that I’ve seen him after all this time, I don’t think I can take just being friends with him anymore.”

Mikey’s quiet sigh rang through your ears as his other hand came to trap yours between his palms and give it a firm squeeze, “Baby.”

He had that tone in his voice again, like he was trying to get something through to you but you were just too stubborn to hear it, or worse you didn’t want to hear it. “Please don’t Mikey…it doesn’t mean anything when its not actually coming from the one person I want to hear it from.” You decided not to tack on the part about the feelings not being reciprocated because you knew it would annoy Mikey.

“I won’t force you to say anything tonight, but you gotta get this over with at some point.” Mikey gave your hand one last squeeze, “Plus m'not into all of that sappy shit but I’m rooting for you fuckin’ idiots.” Mikey let go of your hand before gently knocking his fist against your chin sending a wink your way and earning your quiet giggle.

“Yo Baby, Baby.” Your head shot up, eyes locking on Carmy’s as he called for your attention, “What is that? What the fuck is Pete holding?” You quickly looked at Pete feeling bad that he was on trial before finding Carmy’s eyes again, a small smile spread your lips as you sent a shrug in his direction, not wanting to be the one to rat Pete’s good intentions out.

Carmy nodded, lips pursing as he wiped his hands down his face and turned his attention to Stevie knowing he’d give him a straight answer, “You’re gonna be upset, but his heart was in the right place, Carm…It’s a tuna casserole.” The slight flush you could see creeping up Carmy’s neck indicated the toll this mishap was taking on him.

You leaned into Mikey more, settling into a more comfortable position as you drowned out the rest of Pete’s trial. You were ready for the day to be over and you hadn’t even eaten dinner yet, you could feel your eyes slowly drifting shut as Mikey’s warm body pressed into your side, each rise and fall of his broad chest pulling you into the purgatory before sleep and consciousness.

The sound of Nat’s voice jumping onto the tuna casserole bandwagon roused you from the little peacefulness you were beginning to find, she'd been so dead set on keeping her mom in check you'd only caught glimpses of her throughout the day. You watched with drowsy eyes as she snatched the dish from Pete’s hands presumably disposing of it, you softly gave Mikey’s thigh a pat before removing yourself from your seat with the intention of retrieving your fake husband and Tiff.

You stopped at the threshold of the door sending Pete a small smile, “If it makes you feel better Donna threatened to beat my mom’s ass when we showed up with collard greens and baked Mac n cheese our first Christmas here.” You gave a soft pat to his elbow hoping the anecdote helped him feel a little better.

As you moved to walk up the stairs you stopped to return the car keys to your tote bag.

Carmy stopped in the doorway of the kitchen as he found you standing in the hallway, he had half a mind to hide out in the kitchen until you left but knew he’d probably get shit from his mom about it.

He cleared his throat, gaining your attention as he took a few steps forward to lessen the distance between you. His hand raised to scratch the back of his neck, eyes not meeting yours as he prepared himself to interact with you, “Ahem, I uh I overheard what you said to Pete. I-I never got to say it in person but I uh, I’m sorry about your mom.”

You stared at Carmen surprised by the sincerity in his words as though your mom had passed recently, you gave him a small smile trying to dispel the sadness that began to swell up in you, “It's not like you killed her Carm, that's why they call it a terminal illness.”

Carmy’s eyebrows pinched together at your poor attempt at being humorous before he began picking at the loose thread on the sleeve of his sweater. “Did you uh get the flowers and t-the card?”

A small smile lined your lips as you thought back to the gesture before you nodded at him letting him know you received his condolences years ago.

“I uh I tried coming home b-but uh...Mikey fought me on it.”

You nodded as Carmy met your gaze, “I know Carm, I asked him not to let you,” you watched as he opened his mouth to protest. “You’d already gotten out, Carm, I couldn’t bring you back here…you know my mom was really proud of you though, right?” You smiled as his eyebrows raised in surprise at your question, your hand shot out before you thought better of it to grasp his and stop him fiddling with the thread.

A quiet sigh escaped him as your skin made contact with his, Carmy’s hand flexed against your palm letting his fingers gently press against yours as he fought off the urge to lace them together.

“I wanted you there Carm I did, but I was hurt and I didn’t know if I could grieve my mom with you by my side knowing how you felt about me.” Your hand dropped from where it delicately touched him as you sent him a small sad smile.

“Baby I-,”

You cut him off, not in the right mindset to get into whatever he was offering, you took a step back to the staircase creating distance between the two of you. “M’gonna get Tiff and Hayden for dinner, I’ll see you in there.”

Carmen was left alone at the bottom of the staircase, eyes still glued to where you stood just a moment ago. He closed his eyes trying to get a deep breath into his lungs. Carmy was trying to understand how he had ever deserved to have you in his life, he was a grade-A fucking asshole to you, and you were still nothing but kind to him. There were so many things Carmy wished he could do over when it came to you but life seemed to be leading the two of you in opposite directions and he wasn’t sure he’d ever get the chance to redeem himself.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can call you a cab if you want.” You stood at the top of the staircase huddled against the wall with Hayden. Tiff exited the room ahead of Hayden and kindly let you know that they’d got to talking about Hayden’s pending divorce and that whatever high he was cruising on had taken a drastic turn as the sadness he was trying so hard to hide surfaced.

As you looked at him you could tell he wasn’t doing well, and whether he was having a bad trip or the emotions of his situation were finally beginning to hit him you couldn’t be sure. You reached out for his hand gripping it in yours and giving it a squeeze letting him know you were there for him.

His silence gave you a moment to think. It was surprising how far your relationship had come, the two of you having only met senior year of high school and bonded over your love for literature. Neither of you thought the friendship would blossom into what it was now, but after your falling out with Carmy, in a way, he filled the other man’s spot. Even after everything Carmy put you through you would always consider him your best friend but Hayden was a close second, having helped you during one of the roughest years of your life after your moms passing, he was your rock and you loved him for that. The least you could do now was return the favor and be there for him as much as you could.

Hayden’s hand squeezing yours brought you back to reality as your eyes landed on his face, a small forced smile already waiting. “You worry about me too much.”

You rolled your eyes, raising your eyebrows and imploring an actual answer out of him. He pulled you into a hug resting his chin atop your head, “We sure know how to pick 'em’ don’t we?”

A quiet laugh sounded from you at his words, the noise earned a chuckle from the man pressed against you. “Let’s just enjoy Christmas dinner, yeah.” You felt Hayden’s head move up and down in a nod before he released you and motioned for you to walk down the stairs ahead of him.

By the time you made it to the dining room everyone was seated and the only empty seats were directly across from Carmy so it wasn’t like you had any other choice but to dine with him in your eyeline. You walked in slowly at the commotion as Hayden moved to sit down, your eyes locked with Carmy’s at the same time something aggressively hit your thigh, causing you to wince.

A chorus of “Michael” reverberated around the dining room. You looked down at the sound of metal clanging against metal, one fork was next to your foot another a little ways in front of it. Bending down you scooped the two forks up in your hand. You looked around the table even more confused than you already were eyes darting to Mikey as he threw his arms open in greeting, “Baby! Nice of you and Hayden to join us, mind doing me a favor and handing me those forks?” Your eyes flashed to the forks in your hand before taking in everyone’s expressions around the table.

You had no clue what you walked into. You looked in Carmy and Nat’s direction, the two of them subtly shaking their heads, Hayden turned in his chair before shrugging his shoulders at you just as clueless as you were. Your eyes found Mikey’s once again a little unnerved by the look in his eyes, “They were just on the floor so I’ll just go wash them off real quick-.”

The sound of palms slamming against the table cut off your explanation causing you to flinch where you stood, eyes still glued to Mikey, “Sorry Baby, I’m sorry,” his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Just hand me the forks alright, don't needa wash ‘em off,” You gulped, nodding slowly as you took a few steps in Mikey’s direction. He carefully took them from your grip, and a mocking smile pulled at his lips.

You gave him a small nod quickly retreating to your seat. Quietly thanking Hayden as he helped you to shuffle your chair in. All was silent for a moment as everyone looked at each other, you doing everything in your power to avoid anyone’s eyes. A quiet laugh broke the silence.

“Of fucking course.”

Mikey’s eyes snapped back to Lee's zeroing in on the older man, “What did you just say?” The question sounded more like a demand to your ears.

Lee laughed again shrugging his shoulders and turning his head to glare at Mikey, “I said of course she’s gonna fucking do what you say the girl has no fucking backbone.”

An echo of “Lee,” and “What the fuck,” could be heard from both Richie and Cicero, one trying to diffuse the situation, the other not settling for the unwarranted disrespect thrown at you. Your head shot up a frown decorating your features as your eyes locked on Carmy’s, he shook his head in a silent plea for you to ignore it and not further feed into the chaos.

You ignored Carmy turning in your chair to face the geriatric old man, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean Lee?” Hayden’s fingers began drumming against the table. His stiff posture let you know he was ready for whatever was about to happen after noticing your irritation.

Lee faced you with a sardonic smile pressing into his lips “Is somebody gonna tell her? Do I have to tell her?” He looked around the table looking for anyone to take the reins from him, “I’m sorry that nobody's honest with you sweetheart, but you’re just a glorified lap dog.” He shrugged his shoulders as if in apology, “Just a bitch he keeps on a leash.”

Your mouth opened a little bit confused as to how this conversation became a personal attack on you.

The sound of Hayden kissing his teeth silenced whatever rebuttal you had planned. “Watch the way you fucking talk to her.” The calmness of his voice let you know he had the situation handled, not even looking at the older man as he addressed him.

Nat’s quiet call of your name pulled your attention to her. Her eyebrows sat high on her head as she implored you to do something about your guest with one look. You gave her a small nod before turning to try and stop Hayden, ignoring the way Carmy’s eyes followed your every move.

“Oh and you’re her lap dog then I guess!”

Hayden’s humorless chuckle punctuated the air, no one dared to speak, you were surprised to find both Mikey and Richie silent in the moment. “Listen, Lee. I don’t particularly fucking like you, but you’re lucky I respect Ms. Berzatto enough to not ruin the Christmas dinner she prepared for all of us. Now if I gotta beat your ass after dinner, fine by me but whatever animosity you got towards anyone at this table you leave Baby the fuck outta it.”

Lee’s irritated scoff was the only response given as a tense silence fell over the dinner table. Hayden’s hand gave your elbow a squeeze letting you know he was always in your corner.

You felt something hit your foot under the table gaining your attention. You turned to Nat who was keeping an eye on Mikey too worried about him popping off again to be paying attention to you. You felt the nudge again, eyes finding Carmen's, his eyebrows raised in a silent question, eyes searching your face to catch any remaining emotions, you smoothed out the frown on your face sending him a small nod to let him know you were fine.

The two of you were drawn back to the argument before you as the two men began berating each other again, voices growing louder by the second thankfully your name hadn’t come up again. You watched Mikey’s face lose any sort of emotion as Lee accused him of being medicated as your eyebrows drew into a frown confusion raced through you at the accusation. You felt your heart squeeze in your chest at Mikey’s reaction the sudden thought that the older man’s words had any truth to them felt like a betrayal to the man you considered a brother.

The table remained silent; the only sound filling the room was the ticking of a clock in the background, everyone did their best to not cause any reasons to incite more violence. The anxiety caused you to bounce your leg up and down unsure as to where the rest of this night was going, Hayden completely zoned out so even though he was right next to you, you felt alone unsure of what to do with yourself. You felt a foot gently tap the toe of your shoe, something Carmy used to do whenever you needed reassurance that everything would be okay and other forms of physical contact were impossible. His feet spread apart so you could reach across and slip your feet between his like a security blanket, a piece of protection you never realized you wanted until it was offered.

You turned your head, watching as Mikey pawned Pete’s fork from its set place, an uproar going around the table pleading with Mikey. You sat there silently watching the scene, if ten other people hadn’t already gotten through to Mikey, you were sure an eleventh voice joining the mix would be completely useless at this point.

Natalie’s voice cut through the chaos attention zeroed in on Mikey, “Michael. Please don’t do this.” You watched as Mikey focused his attention on his little sister, “I love you.” It was her final plea as Mikey seemed to be weighing his options. The discourse between the two continued as everybody watched with bated breath waiting to see what the next move would be.

Steve’s unwarranted giggle broke Michael’s focus, his rush of apologies being brushed off by Mikey all in the name of fun. Cicero decided he might be the one to finally get through to Mikey playing his hand as mediator. You watched Mikey’s erratic behavior in silence, you weren’t usually privy to this side of Mikey, never being in town long enough to experience it in person, always being told about them on phone calls with Nat. It scared you, and it wasn’t necessarily Mikey that was scaring you but knowing that his switch could be flipped in such a timely manner that had you worrying about his safety.

The argument was nowhere near resolved as Lee’s constant instigating kept fueling the fire. Mikey’s sudden movement to stand up caused your heart to race, you honestly couldn’t give two shits about Lee’s well-being, your only concern was Mikey and what was going through his head at that moment.

You held your head in your hands that were propped up on the table by your elbows, the impending headache beginning to make an appearance. The animal noises coming from Mikey’s direction do nothing to ease the ache behind your eyes. You did your best to drown out the two men.

The clapping around the table drew your head up as Donna danced into the dining room, you felt so exhausted you couldn’t even muster up a fake smile to appease her. “What did I miss?” Donna laughed as she made her way to her seat, a quiet “nothing” being her answer. “I missed something,” she said while sitting in her designated spot.

Donna’s eyes landed on Hayden as she let out another laugh “Jesus you look fucking miserable Hayden. I missed something.” You felt Hayden sit up in his chair as his elbow bumped into yours watching as he forced his lips into a pathetic smile, his hand absentmindedly playing with the fork that was sitting on the placemat.

“Not much Misses. B, just defending my wife’s honor from that cunt Lee.”

You rolled your eyes as the man threw his arm around you before leaning in to press a dramatic wet kiss into your temple, your hand quickly shot up to wipe the leftover evidence on your sleeve. A quiet wince escaped your lips as Carmy’s foot clumsily stepped on yours, noticing how he avoided eye contact with you.

Murmured confusion scattered around the table aside from Richie’s awkward choked laugh as Tiff glared at him, any hope for a somewhat peaceful family dinner squandered by Hayden’s remark. All eyes flocked to Donna as she let out a full belly laugh, hand coming down to hit the table. The same hand moved up to point at you and Hayden, “Now that’s fucking funny Hayden, the two of you…married! Carmy would die before he let that happen!” A shit-eating grin stretched across Hayden’s face as he sent a wink to the matriarch, watching as her laughter went on for a few moments longer before Carmy awkwardly cleared his throat at her words, his legs moving from against yours ever so slightly as you frowned in confusion at what the older woman meant trying to gain Carmy’s attention only for him to shift his focus to the other end of the table.

“Uh, Stevie, Stevie’s about to say grace, Ma,” Mikey interjected trying to stir Christmas dinner back on its rightful course, Donna looked appeased, eyes happily finding Stevie’s figure as she waited for him to begin. A small back and forth between Mikey and Stevie ensued before the latter began his prayer.

“Um…Hey. Uh.. that we’re all…” Michelle’s laugh interrupted her partner causing you to anxiously laugh but quickly stop at the soft pinch on your thigh earned from Nat. You fell silent as you listened to Stevie give what seemed more like an awkward ramble rather than a prayer.

You could feel Carmy’s eyes darting across your figure as Stevie gave his explanation of what he thought the seven fishes symbolized. “I think that spending time and using that time on the people that we love is how we show them that we love them.” You looked up in that moment, eyes connecting with Carmy’s piercing blue ones. Neither of you gave into the urge to look away, instead drinking each other in like two plants feeling the first drop of rain after a drought.

Your gazes were both drawn away by Donna’s quiet sniffles, a chorus of praises sent in her direction to calm her aching heart.

“You okay?” Natalie’s question caused you to flop back in your chair, eyes clenched shut, followed by Hayden’s quiet sigh. You knew all Nat had was good intentions and would always be the first one to put Donna’s mental well-being first, but you also knew what it felt like to feel so overstimulated that those two measly words would send you in a downward spiral.

“Do you know how much I fucking hate it when you ask me that? Do I not look okay Natalie?” Donna’s mood shifted just as quickly as it had been the whole day. Her unknown limit was reached in a minute.

“Not really.” Michelle’s subtle shade drew a hardly restrained laugh out of you, “Oh, fuck you Michelle.” Donna snapped before setting her sights on you, “Is something funny Baby? Hmm?” The question caused the lingering smile to immediately drop your back going straight against the chair, your head quickly shaking back and forth, clearing before answering Donna.

“No, sorry I’m just nervous.” You admitted head still on a swivel to ease Donna’s agitation.

You glanced at Carmy, his whole being sunken in as he looked at you as if your existence was exhausting him at this moment. Regardless of Carmen’s look you know your mom would’ve crucified your ass for walking into Donna Berzatto’s house and feeling comfortable enough to disrespect her not only to her face but with a bunch of her peers around.

“Are you motherfuckers okay?” Donna continued letting her subdued rage out the table silent to not enrage her any further. “Fuck you!” The smashing of glass as the plate hit the ground caused you to flinch, your leg knocking into Carmy’s from the sudden noise, his knee tapping yours twice to reassure you everything would be fine.

Donna made her exit while berating Natalie, who sat there speechless unaware of why her need to make sure her mom was well was taken as a personal attack. Lee’s unprovoked comment about Donna’s tirade irritated you along with Michelle’s comment about it being her worst moment.

It was funny to you how each and everyone sitting at this table would drag themselves here every year. To sit in Donna’s house, to eat Donna’s food. To reap the rewards of the countless hours of Donna’s hard work, only to dismiss her because she had become so overstimulated the only reaction she knew to give was unadulterated rage.

You saw Mikey’s hand move before the fork flew across the table narrowly missing Lee’s head, surprised to find yourself tucked against Hayden’s body as a form of protection just in case. The older man jumped up no longer tolerating the eldest Berzatto’s antics, Mikey followed suit the clattering of the dishes loud as he threw his side of the table. The two men tried to get to each other, you let Hayden know you were okay so he could help keep Mikey from abusing Lee.

Silence encompassed the room at the sound of a car driving through the side of the house, before the whole room was in an uproar once more. You stood up from your seat mouth dropping open at the Mercedes Benz now sitting in the dining room. Mikey’s voice shouted at Donna to open the door as Nat tightly grasped your hand trying to ground herself. She and Carmy were the only two remaining guests still sitting. Natalie’s tightening grasp on your hand drew your attention to the two younger Berzatto’s watching as Nat did her best to internalize what was happening while Carmy stared blankly past you.

Your head was pounding at that point, the small headache from earlier now felt more like a migraine. You slipped your hand from Nat’s grasp removing yourself from the dining room as quietly as you could, you quickly walked to the front door. Every bone in your body was screaming at you to walk out that door and not come back, to protect your peace. You plopped down on the porch step head resting against your knees. As much as you wanted to run, your heart wouldn’t allow you to leave the Berzatto siblings to this mess alone.

[etherealising]

not sure how i'm barely getting to this but don't mind me! 🫶🏼

this story never fails to make me feel like i’ve been transported. every chapter, i be locked in.

no because this is what i strive for and you are giving me the validation that i needed bestie, like idk how to explain it but i literally see everything play out in my head like a tv show and that's how i write its crazy in this brain.

carmy, carmy, carmy…that fricking kid. he’s the kind of person to say the most awful, stupid things when he’s upset and then regret it later.

girl....do i have a few chapters for you (the interludes bouta get messy 🤭) man has literally exhibited this punk ass behavior for 3 seasons straight someone needs to beat him up!

i feel like at heart these two are just their younger foolish selves hopelessly in love with each other. my heart goes out to baby, i knew whatever he said was bad, but damn.

honestly they so are because there is so much from the past timeline still unresolved between these two like just kiss and make up please!! we are getting a first row seat to carmy's fuckery and i think i may have hurt baby a bit too much with this one 😅

the pantry moment between baby and mikey…waterfalls. i love that she saw his heart. not his struggles, but who he really was at his core. i also love the way he showed up for her in that moment. he did that for everyone i feel. man I WISH i could hug him :(

i have never loved a fictional character more and i am so attached to mikey that it's ridiculous but even with all his flaws i can't help but to love him and i'm showing that through baby. we gotta give this man a group hug atp.

i’m looking forward to where this goes. mikey, i love you. richie, i’m coming for you. carmy…your mom called. i told her, you’re fucking up. big time!

listen i don't mean to sound cocky bestie, but this rewrite is on a whole new level jk idk but i am enjoying it a lot more! all the love always for mikey b! richie count your fucking days! carmen...you disappoint us!

two | words left unsaid

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairings: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!mikey berzatto x fem!reader | original male character x fem!reader

summary: the annual berzatto family christmas is off to a better start than you initially thought it would be. that is until your sucked back into the past and carmy avoids a much needed conversation.

warnings: angst | carmy being the most oblivious man to ever exist | hint of suicidal ideation | probably ooc characters | language (cussing) | minimally edited

wc: 5.7k

Donna Berzatto pulled you into a hug the minute you walked into her kitchen and although the chaos you spotted, and her tangible frantic energy worried you, you were still happy to have a home to come back to during the holidays.

“Let me get a fucking look at you!” She pulled away from you hands moving to your cheeks as she looked at you for a prolonged moment. “Gosh you were always so gorgeous…you know your mother would be so proud of you right.”

You gave her a small smile nodding as best you could while she held your head in place before she pulled you back in for one more hug. Your eyes landed on Hayden leaning against the counter as he raised a wine glass in your direction before throwing the alcohol back, causing you to roll your eyes at him.

You would always appreciate the Berzatto matriarch, a woman who came to feel like a second mom to you. She didn’t replace your mom, no one ever could, but her motherly presence in your life was still felt all these years later. You would always remember your first proper meeting with the older woman when she took on the role of babysitter for your mom, her personality was so vastly different from that of your mother’s that you couldn’t help but find her eccentricity contagious. It always surprised you the friendship that grew between your mother and Donna, but you were grateful for the connection nonetheless. Donna Berzatto who never sent you home empty-handed, and always made enough food for you and your mom to last throughout the week, just so your mother wouldn’t have to worry about fitting grocery shopping into her already hectic schedule. Donna Berzatto who, even when you were old enough to no longer need a babysitter, would send Carmy across the street to fetch you for family dinner, or even just invite you over because she thought you needed company.

And when your mom finally succumbed to her illness a year after your high school graduation Donna made it her mission to make sure you were taken care of and miraculously got the house and other assets in your ownership and till this day you still weren’t sure how she did it, probably not legally. But you would forever be grateful to the Berzatto’s for all they did for you.

“Hayden, don’t be rude, get this girl a fucking drink!” Donna kissed your cheek before stepping away from you and moving to the mess on the stove.

You saw Carmy enter the kitchen out of the corner of your eye, the tension between you was palpable and you were doing your best to be cordial. Carmy reached out to you after everything happened but you never reciprocated his efforts and maybe if you had things wouldn’t still be awkward for you, but you felt your reaction was warranted. While part of you wished to continue ignoring him and not reopen old wounds. Another part of you longed to rekindle the friendship you once shared.

“Mikey tells me you’ve been thinking about moving home, we gonna be neighbors again?” You could hear the smile in Donna’s voice as you moved to lean back against the counter taking the glass that Hayden offered you as he snacked on whatever the hell he found.

The way Carmy froze momentarily at Donna’s words immediately caught Hayden’s attention and he couldn’t help but be annoyed by how hopelessly in love the two of you were with each other. He quickly poured himself another glass before giving some excuse about speaking with Fak and taking his leave, he needed to wallow and you and Carmy’s “unrequited love” bullshit wasn't helping him.

You gave Hayden a small understanding smile as he squeezed your shoulder when he walked past you before giving your full attention to Donna and answering her question. “Yeah…I’ve given it some thought it’d be nice to be with family again.”

A small awkward smile rose to your lips as Carmy made his way towards you stopping right in front of you, “Excuse me…I uh, I need,” he stopped pointing around you instead.

“Oh, yeah here you go.” You turned, grabbing the cutting board he was pointing at before holding it out between the two of you, watching as he avoided your eyes.

“Thanks.” His reply was curt as he reached to take the cutting board off your hands, stopping as you wouldn’t let it go.

You wanted him to look at you and you knew all you had to do was speak directly to him to get the reaction you wanted. “You’re welcome…Carm.”

He held your gaze for a moment, eyes searching your face as his lips parted like he wanted to speak. You allowed yourself a moment to fully take him in. His hair was longer than the last time you’d seen him, the length made his curls more noticeable. Other than that you couldn’t see any other obvious changes, he looked a bit tired but you weren’t sure if that was from his culinary adventures or from being home for a chaotic Berzatto Christmas after so long. You were embarrassed by how easily just staring at him for a few minutes made your chest ache with longing, the smile slowly dropped from your lips as you recalled the reason for that ache. You quickly released your hold on the object.

“If uh, you don’t need any help Mama D I’m gonna go visit with everyone else.” Your voice was quiet as you looked past Carmy to where his mother stood, not sure you could stand to be in his presence for a moment longer.

She waved you off as she stirred whatever was in the pot, “Carmy will help me. Do me a favor Baby and keep Sug out of the kitchen. I don't think I can take her asking if I’m ok for another moment. Oh and send Hayden back in here when you get a chance that kid is fucking hilarious!”

You awkwardly laughed off Donna’s words before moving to exit the kitchen, Carmy awkwardly moved in the same direction as you as he tried to step out of your way. A redness crept up his neck as he did it for a second time.

A small laugh escaped you and you couldn’t help but find his embarrassment funny in that moment, “Excuse me.” Your hand gently gripped his bicep to lead him out of your way as you stepped around him. You sent one last tense smile his way before taking your leave, a weight lifting off your shoulders as soon as you stepped out of the kitchen. All you had to do was avoid Carmy for the rest of the night and all would be well.

It was the same as you remembered it. After letting Hayden know his presence was wanted in the kitchen and with no luck finding Nat, you began your journey upstairs to catch up with Tiff, only for the sight of Carmy’s childhood bedroom door partially open to steal your attention. Even though you came home every Christmas, you hadn’t been inside the room since Carmy left. You made a split-second decision before slipping through the open door, flipping the light on as you entered, not at all surprised to see that it was kept in the same condition from all those years ago.

Nostalgia washed over you as you looked around, so many moments of your younger years took place in this very room, walking into it now was like taking a trip back in time. Slowly, you let your eyes rove around realizing that you could recall a memory from almost every object situated around the space. As you walked in allowing yourself to bask in the nostalgia you spotted what you assumed were Carmy’s belongings, your eyes landed on a pile of journals stacked atop each other, and next to them lay what looked to be culinary books.

You made your way over to the nightstand finger gliding across the cover of the top journal, looking at it you wondered if Carmy kept up with his artistic pursuits or if they had another use. You were tempted to look through one of them but even though your friendship with Carmy was non-existent you would still respect his privacy. Your eyes landed on the edge of the bookmark sticking out of the top of one of the thick culinary books, checking over your shoulder you picked up the book before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

The hardcover was in pristine condition which surprised you considering how rough Carmy was with books when the two of you were younger, but as you began flipping through you found the book filled with annotations sometimes multiple on one page that it was almost impossible to clearly read them. A small smile raised to your lips as you read some of the notes in the margins, fingers smoothing across the dry ink every once in a while as you tried to imagine Carmy writing them.

As you continued flipping through the book it almost felt as though in a way you were learning the person Carmy became, and while a few notes about how to cook certain dishes would never give you full insight. It was enjoyable to see how much obvious pride Carmy felt in his craft. You thumbed through a few pages before finally stopping on the bookmarked page, the margins not nearly as filled in as the previous pages.

A quiet exhale of breath left your lips as your fingertips found the edge of the bookmark. Of all the things it could've been, this was one of the last things you expected Carmy to use to keep his place. The teens frozen in time looked like babies, a quiet huff of laughter the only reaction you could give in the moment as you peered down at the two naive teens in the photo oblivious to just how drastically their lives would change, the irreparable space that would grow between them and fester.

Carmy + Baby end of summer picnic

'i'll miss you forever carm'

A quiet snort escaped at the lovesick message you'd written on the back of the picture before letting Carmy keep it.

Holding the photo in your hand felt like some sort of cosmic joke as you stared down at the two younger, forgotten versions of yourselves. Like the universe was laughing in your face as it led you to this photo. You remembered the moment captured clear as day, your feelings for Carmy began to grow as more than friends and maybe you felt that way all along but you hadn’t noticed. It was a tradition for the two of you to have an end-of-the-summer picnic before the start of a new school year and you worked up all the courage you had to finally admit that you were crushing on him, but your plan never came to fruition as Carmy spilled the beans about his crush on Claire Dunlap and his lovesick expression as he spoke stole whatever hope you had of him ever reciprocating your feelings.

Your eyes watered as you stared at the selfless younger version of you who bottled up what she thought to be love to allow Carmy whatever happiness he wanted. You wished you could hug her, prepare her for the ugly falling out between you and the youngest Berzatto, your chest ached with deep raw emotion as the betrayal of it all awoke in you once more.

“Mikey I fucking swear if yo-,” Carmy’s voice cut through the pity party you were throwing for yourself.

Subtly you raised your free hand to your face to dab at your eyes hoping to whatever forces that were out there the few stray tears didn’t leave any tracks in their wake. You stood up, the book sliding off your lap as you tried and failed miserably to make a quick escape.

“Shit,” you bent down picking up the book, the movement gave you another moment to collect yourself before speaking with Carmy. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be in here.” You turned to him avoiding his eyes as you held the book in one hand and the photograph in the other cursing yourself for losing Carmy’s place in the book and hoping the fall hadn’t damaged his possession at all.

Although you didn’t want to be alone with Carmy on purpose, as he locked you in his gaze you felt like you couldn’t get your feet to listen to your brain. You watched in silence as his eyes fell to where you held the book before latching onto the photograph, giving Carmy a clear image of what made you so upset.

“No, it's uh…it's ok,” Carmy’s voice sounded hollow as he spoke to you, neither of you knowing how to navigate this situation. “Can I-I join you?”

Carmy gestured to where you stood by his bed, surprising you as your hands tightened around the objects in them unsure if the decision you were about to make was for the best, or if you were just feeding into the desires of the younger you. You gave a soft nod watching as his shoulders seemed to lose a bit of tension that you noticed in your short time back in his life, seemed to permanently accompany him.

Knowing Carmy wouldn’t move until you did, you slowly walked around the bed before gently sitting at the foot, inviting Carmy to join you with the tilt of your head. His movement was awkward, unsure like no one prepared him for this moment and he didn’t know what to do with himself.

The two of you sat next to each other, little to no distance between you as his bouncing knee knocked into yours a few times letting you know just how nervous he was. Carmy tried his hardest not to steal glimpses of you in his peripheral vision, but it was hard not to when you were sitting there beside him in a bed the two of you shared countless times. If times were different he might’ve reached out to purposely touch you, to assure himself you were physically here with him. To remind himself of what once was between the two of you. What could no longer be?

“You read now?” Your question pulled him out of the recesses of his mind as he watched you lay the book in your lap, surprised it hadn’t dented from the fall. “Sorry that came out wrong, I just…I remember how much you despised it growing up.”

Carmy listened as your voice trailed off in a whisper, he wondered if thinking about your intertwined past hurt you as much as it did him. He wished he could stay locked in his room with you for the remainder of the evening relearning who you were as a person and learning all about everything he missed out on with you out of his life. He gently reached over grabbing the book out of your lap and setting it to his side before delicately plucking the picture out of your hands, smoothing out a corner your grip bent unconsciously as he spoke.

“Yeah, I uh picked it up at the French Laundry it uh really helped focus me.” He nodded his head remembering the way he would lose himself in the educational books in an effort to stop himself wondering what you were up to.

The quiet giggle you let out drew his attention, his eyes caught sight of your toothy smile before finding your eyes. “Sorry I always just picture you doing a bunch of laundry there.”

He let out a chuckle of his own relaxing more into the conversation as he angled his body towards you, a small smile lined his lips all because of yours. Carmy let his eyes dart around your face wanting to take in the minute joy that he was able to bring forth in you, only to frown as he watched your face slowly lose its happy demeanor as your eyebrows pinched together and you pulled your lip between your teeth.

“What happened to us, Carmy?” The sadness in your voice was obvious as your finger darted out to tap the picture in his hand, after all this time you still had no idea what you did wrong. “I…I miss you so much Carm, I miss us. And I know it's stupid, you made it clear how you felt about me but you were my best friend and I,” you trailed off knowing now wasn’t the right time to reveal all you felt for him.

Carmy let his eyes fall, unable to watch the sadness on your face grow, instead staring at a happier version of you trapped in time “I called Baby…y-you never answered.”

A sardonic laugh escaped you at his words, wishing things were that easy, “I was hurt Carm of course I never answered your calls. I’ve forgiven you for a lot Carmy, more than you probably even know but I couldn’t let you think it was ok for you to say all of those things to me and then just let everything go back to normal.”

Carmy tried, he really did try to understand where you were coming from. He knew he was wrong for hurting you in the way he did but how did you expect things to get better if you were purposely ignoring him? “You could’ve called me Baby, whenever you were over everything you could’ve called.”

“Over it?” Carmy knew he said the wrong words the second the question left your lips. “Well I’m sorry Carm I didn’t get over it soon enough for you, you cut me out of your life of your own volition you pushed me away Carmy. And it would’ve been easier if you just ghosted me or something but you said it yourself Carm I ruined your life and you didn’t need me anymore.”

He flinched as the words left your lips forcing himself into a standing position as he tried to find the right words. “I-I tried ok Baby what more did you want me to do?”

“I wanted you to fight for me, Carmen!” You stood as well, lips trembling as you let years worth of bottled-up emotions spill out. “I wanted to know that I mattered to you how you mattered to me, I would’ve done anything for you, I always put you first above what I wanted. And all I wanted was that same effort in return I wanted to be your priority for once. All you had to do was fight for me…for us Carm.”

“We,” you paused trying to calm yourself down enough to get out a coherent sentence. “We grew up together, you were always my person Carmy and then…then you just threw it all away. You threw me away like I was nothing to you.”

Carmy closed his eyes tilting his head back to the ceiling, it was selfish, he knew it was the moment the thought crossed his mind, but he couldn’t hear these words from you right now, no matter how much he wished to put this tension between the two of you to rest. But the raw emotion in your voice and the tears streaming down your face were too much for him at that moment. He took a second to try and collect the dozens of thoughts racing through his mind. Hoping to land on what he thought you wanted to hear, anything to soothe the indigestion starting to burn through his chest.

He came back to reality, eyes no longer looking in your direction, posture closed off signifying he was done with this conversation whether you agreed or not. He slid the picture in his hand into his back pocket, unable to stare at the happy kids in the picture with hardly any worries.

“Did you?” His voice was quiet as he asked the question head turning in your direction, but eyes never quite landing on your figure, as if he couldn’t stand to look at you. “D-did you fight for us?” He waited for your reply, becoming impatient as confusion washed over your features, deciding to just say what he needed to get off his chest.

“Baby you-…you’re married.”

The words hung heavy in the air between you, Carmy’s voice an exhausted whisper as he spoke them. You looked at him as though his words were news to you, confused as to where he even got that idea from but more than that you couldn’t understand how being married canceled out a friendship with him. Nonetheless, there it was, exactly what you didn’t want to happen: Carmen's incessant need to avoid the tough conversations that he couldn’t help but make everyone else’s problem.

A shocked laugh ripped through you, finding his statement utterly ridiculous, “What the hell are you even talking about?” You didn’t give him a chance to respond not caring about the misinformation at the moment just wanting to call him out on his bullshit. “I know what you’re doing Carmen, and if you can’t face me and hash this out right now then I don’t think there’s much more for either of us to say to each other.”

You stood there for a moment longer, hoping your earlier pleas had somehow gotten through to him, but as he stood there sunken into himself, eyes avoiding you at all cost you knew you were just a broken record talking to a brick wall at this point. An exhausted sigh escaped your lips as you began leaving the room, not wanting to waste any more of your time.

“Baby,” his voice stopped you as you reached the door, hand on the knob as you tried to make your exit. You allowed yourself to turn around expecting more than you should’ve as you found him looking in your direction, words seemingly on the tip of his tongue before he shook his head back and forth.

A teary-eyed smile graced your face as you gave him one last look, “I hope life was everything you wanted it to be Carm.”

You turned, making your exit and closing the door behind you. Your heart ached as you finally realized after so long that maybe there was nothing else in store for you and Carmy.

You made your way through the house, looking for any space that you could compose yourself in, not wanting to ruin anyone else’s Christmas with your unpleasant mood. You did your best to quickly walk past the room containing the Fak Brothers, Steven, and surprisingly a still sober Hayden. Any other time you would have sat comfortably next to Stevie and Hayden as raptly intrigued as they were with the Fak family shenanigans. But in those potential instances, you also wouldn’t have been overthinking every decision you made regarding your friendship with Carmen and wondering why even after that shit show of a conversation you still held an inkling of hope for the two of you.

Continuing your journey through the house narrowly avoiding guests as you went, you quickly backtracked as you noticed a familiar back blankly facing the pantry. You felt bad for even letting the thought cross your mind, but you weren’t sure if Mikey was the right person to seek comfort in, knowing he already had his hands full trying to keep everything under control.

It was ridiculous to let something Carmy said have such an impact on you within such a short amount of time. But if anyone knew who Carmy thought you were married to it was Mikey, and you were adamant on getting to the bottom of the rumor before the end of the night.

You let out a defeated sigh stepping slightly forward to wrap your arms around Mikey’s torso, cheek settling into the space between his shoulder blades, “Your little brother is a fucking idiot.” You murmured voice slightly muffled by Mikey’s back.

A rough laugh escaped through Mikey’s lips as he patted your hand resting on his stomach, “Sure is when it comes to you ain’t he?” He questioned removing himself from your hold to lean his back against the pantry doorway. You followed suit standing opposite of him, the two of you now face to face.

You took in Mikey’s features, brows pinching together at the faraway look in his eyes. It always amazed you that no matter if Mikey was physically in front of you, there was always a chance he was mentally somewhere else. That was the one similarity you could pick out between the two Berzatto boys, while Mikey’s charisma did a good job of hiding it, Carmen’s awkwardness put it on full display.

You reached out tugging at the sleeve of his shirt, “How are you doing Mikey?” You were genuinely curious, it's not like you were oblivious to Mikey’s many faults, the difference was you didn’t think he was a lost cause like everyone else. And as hard as it was to admit it to yourself you would never address the fact that you romanticized who Mikey was as a person. The Mikey you knew as a little girl was still the same Mikey you saw standing before you, and maybe he had a few more demons in his closet that he made sure to keep tightly veiled from you, but it felt egregiously wrong to align your Mikey with the boogeyman everyone else made him out to be.

Mikey laughed swatting your hand away, “It's the most wonderful time of the fucking year Baby, how do you think I’m doing?” Mikey’s adversity in answering your question wasn’t lost upon you, but you knew Mikey wasn’t one to openly talk about how he was feeling. If avoidance was what you were going to get, you knew there was no chance of this conversation going anywhere. You were 0 for 2 with the Berzatto brothers this evening it seemed.

You sighed, knocking your head against the wall you were leaning on, eyes shifting downwards as you prepared yourself for the topic you were about to bring up, “Can I ask you a question, Mikey? And can you be serious with me for one minute?” You pleaded needing someone to validate the way you felt since your less-than-enlightening conversation with Carmy.

Mikey nodded eyebrows pinching together, a lick of concern tickled down his spine. Mikey knew you just as well as he knew his actual siblings. Despite the age difference, Mikey grew up right there with you, watching you grow into the person you are now, learning your mannerisms, and understanding you as a person. You hadn’t asked for it but Mikey made it his mission to know you just as well as the younger Berzatto’s, if you were gonna be tossed into his eccentric family due to circumstance, he would do his best to treat you like a bonus little sister.

The slight nod of his head queued you to reveal your query, “Do you ever feel, I don’t know, like inadequate?” You questioned scratching your nails against the material of your outfit, too consumed by the idea that Mikey would write your odd inquiry off. “Like sometimes it’s just exhausting to even fucking exist and-and there’s no rule book for this shit, but sometimes even your absolute best will never be good enough ya know? Like no matter how hard you try it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re just gonna die someday anyway?”

You chanced a glance at Mikey hoping he wouldn’t take your very real insecurities as a joke. The blank stare in his eyes greeted you by telling you a different story. Mikey was a hard person to read, and though you believed you had cracked the code to his complex soul, it was in moments like these that you knew you couldn’t be more wrong.

The sudden movement of Mikey’s hands reaching up to cup your face and jerk your head closer to him almost caused you to lose balance. “Why the fuck would you say that?” The tone in Mikey’s voice forced you to try and shrink into yourself. “This got anything to do with my shithead little brother?”

Your eyes cast downwards not prepared for the intensity in Mikey’s eyes, your lips parting to respond before abruptly being cut off by Mikey, “Fucking look at me when I’m talking to you, Baby. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” His hands redirected your gaze to his with a more gentle approach.

You shrugged your shoulders, feeling stupid for even talking like this in front of Mikey, “I’m not sure, to be honest. I talked to Carmy, and it went as well as you would guess. And I just, I don’t know, I guess I just got lost in my head. And work has been so stressful lately, I still have two years left in my contract so if I do move back here I’m going to have to buy it out.” You shook your head from his grip, “It's just nonsense, don’t worry about me. I think seeing Carmy after so long just made me spiral.” You offered him a small smile hoping it was as reassuring as you thought it was.

Mikey pulled you into a hug chin resting atop your head. Mikey’s hugs were like magic, a bear hug so comforting and warm, his arms made you feel safe, and protected. You felt a little selfish for constantly dumping your problems on Mikey, but he had become your closest confidant, you wish the same could be said about you from Mikey’s point of view, but you were already lucky enough that he shared what little nuggets of the inner working of his life that he did with you.

Mikey pulled back, his hands settled on your shoulders to get a good look at you, “Don’t let me hear you say shit like that again alright Baby?” You nodded the corner of your lips curving slightly as Mikey played the role of big brother and began scolding you. “You’re a great fucking girl alright, and don’t even worry about Carmy, you’ve got a heart of fucking gold. You’re like that motherfucker with the gold touch alright, and I need you Baby okay? I need you and that means something right, you’re fucking adequate these fuckers in this house wish they were you.”

You laughed, the melodic sound filling the space between the two of you, “King Midas.”

Mikey’s hands dropped from their position on your shoulders frowning at you, “Who the fuck is that?”

“The motherfucker with the gold touch,” You joked.

“Alright, you fucking smart ass.” Mikey reached up to flick your nose, a small gesture carried on from childhood.

The two of you stood in the other’s presence for what felt like forever, no words needing to be passed between you. You and Mikey enjoyed being in each other's company, using the pantry as a place of solace before returning to reality. The sound of Donna’s voice yelling about saltines pulled you out of the moment as you listened to Carmy’s reply unaware of when he made his way back downstairs. You glanced in the pantry spotting the saltines Carmy would be coming to acquire a small sigh leaving your lips. If Carmy was going to avoid a much-needed conversation, you would just avoid him. Sure it was petty but you wanted him to somehow get a taste of the suffering his lack of effort caused you.

“Well, this has been fun, but I’m currently avoiding that brother of yours.” You shot Mikey a sarcastic smile preparing to find some other hole to hide in before family dinner commenced only to remember what you came to ask him about in the first place. “Did you tell him I was married?”

Mikey let out a full belly laugh causing you to frown at his reaction, unsure if he was laughing at the thought of you being married or Carmy just being an idiot. “Where the fuck did he get that idea from?”

His question hung in the air before realization washed over the both of you, Mikey’s smile widened as you let out a groan “Richie.”

You should’ve known someone planted the idea in Carmy’s head you just couldn’t believe Carmy fell for it. Though you still couldn’t understand why something of the sort would ever matter to Carmy in the first place.

“My little brother is a fucking idiot,” Mikey chuckled moving out of the way to allow you to pass by. You laughed glad that someone agreed with your astute observation skills. Deciding to check on Tiff you nicked the box of saltines and made your way to the stairs before stopping at the landing.

“Hey.” You turned back to Mikey catching his attention for a brief moment, if the raise of his eyebrows was any conformation. “I love you brother bear.” You shot him a wink then proceeded to continue your previously decided journey.

Mikey watched your figure disappear up the stairs, a solemn smile resting on his lips. The idea that you had at one point harbored such unnerving thoughts scared him. But what scared him, even more, was he knew exactly what you were talking about.

a/n: posting this update because i know this work week is going to push me past my limit and i'm gonna need something to take my mind off to it. 🫶🏼

enjoy chapter 2 of the rewrite please fangirl with me i am begging i love hearing all your thoughts and theories. likes/comments/and reblogs are highly appreciated. 🤍

also please make sure to take care of your mental health this week regardless of what tuesday's outcome is, it's going to be rough so please take care of yourselves and stay safe!!

[etherealising]

only real ones cried to this chapter 😤

okay but what if i said i cry while writing these chapters 🥲

two | words left unsaid

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairings: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!mikey berzatto x fem!reader | original male character x fem!reader

summary: the annual berzatto family christmas is off to a better start than you initially thought it would be. that is until your sucked back into the past and carmy avoids a much needed conversation.

warnings: angst | carmy being the most oblivious man to ever exist | hint of suicidal ideation | probably ooc characters | language (cussing) | minimally edited

wc: 5.7k

Donna Berzatto pulled you into a hug the minute you walked into her kitchen and although the chaos you spotted, and her tangible frantic energy worried you, you were still happy to have a home to come back to during the holidays.

“Let me get a fucking look at you!” She pulled away from you hands moving to your cheeks as she looked at you for a prolonged moment. “Gosh you were always so gorgeous…you know your mother would be so proud of you right.”

You gave her a small smile nodding as best you could while she held your head in place before she pulled you back in for one more hug. Your eyes landed on Hayden leaning against the counter as he raised a wine glass in your direction before throwing the alcohol back, causing you to roll your eyes at him.

You would always appreciate the Berzatto matriarch, a woman who came to feel like a second mom to you. She didn’t replace your mom, no one ever could, but her motherly presence in your life was still felt all these years later. You would always remember your first proper meeting with the older woman when she took on the role of babysitter for your mom, her personality was so vastly different from that of your mother’s that you couldn’t help but find her eccentricity contagious. It always surprised you the friendship that grew between your mother and Donna, but you were grateful for the connection nonetheless. Donna Berzatto who never sent you home empty-handed, and always made enough food for you and your mom to last throughout the week, just so your mother wouldn’t have to worry about fitting grocery shopping into her already hectic schedule. Donna Berzatto who, even when you were old enough to no longer need a babysitter, would send Carmy across the street to fetch you for family dinner, or even just invite you over because she thought you needed company.

And when your mom finally succumbed to her illness a year after your high school graduation Donna made it her mission to make sure you were taken care of and miraculously got the house and other assets in your ownership and till this day you still weren’t sure how she did it, probably not legally. But you would forever be grateful to the Berzatto’s for all they did for you.

“Hayden, don’t be rude, get this girl a fucking drink!” Donna kissed your cheek before stepping away from you and moving to the mess on the stove.

You saw Carmy enter the kitchen out of the corner of your eye, the tension between you was palpable and you were doing your best to be cordial. Carmy reached out to you after everything happened but you never reciprocated his efforts and maybe if you had things wouldn’t still be awkward for you, but you felt your reaction was warranted. While part of you wished to continue ignoring him and not reopen old wounds. Another part of you longed to rekindle the friendship you once shared.

“Mikey tells me you’ve been thinking about moving home, we gonna be neighbors again?” You could hear the smile in Donna’s voice as you moved to lean back against the counter taking the glass that Hayden offered you as he snacked on whatever the hell he found.

The way Carmy froze momentarily at Donna’s words immediately caught Hayden’s attention and he couldn’t help but be annoyed by how hopelessly in love the two of you were with each other. He quickly poured himself another glass before giving some excuse about speaking with Fak and taking his leave, he needed to wallow and you and Carmy’s “unrequited love” bullshit wasn't helping him.

You gave Hayden a small understanding smile as he squeezed your shoulder when he walked past you before giving your full attention to Donna and answering her question. “Yeah…I’ve given it some thought it’d be nice to be with family again.”

A small awkward smile rose to your lips as Carmy made his way towards you stopping right in front of you, “Excuse me…I uh, I need,” he stopped pointing around you instead.

“Oh, yeah here you go.” You turned, grabbing the cutting board he was pointing at before holding it out between the two of you, watching as he avoided your eyes.

“Thanks.” His reply was curt as he reached to take the cutting board off your hands, stopping as you wouldn’t let it go.

You wanted him to look at you and you knew all you had to do was speak directly to him to get the reaction you wanted. “You’re welcome…Carm.”

He held your gaze for a moment, eyes searching your face as his lips parted like he wanted to speak. You allowed yourself a moment to fully take him in. His hair was longer than the last time you’d seen him, the length made his curls more noticeable. Other than that you couldn’t see any other obvious changes, he looked a bit tired but you weren’t sure if that was from his culinary adventures or from being home for a chaotic Berzatto Christmas after so long. You were embarrassed by how easily just staring at him for a few minutes made your chest ache with longing, the smile slowly dropped from your lips as you recalled the reason for that ache. You quickly released your hold on the object.

“If uh, you don’t need any help Mama D I’m gonna go visit with everyone else.” Your voice was quiet as you looked past Carmy to where his mother stood, not sure you could stand to be in his presence for a moment longer.

She waved you off as she stirred whatever was in the pot, “Carmy will help me. Do me a favor Baby and keep Sug out of the kitchen. I don't think I can take her asking if I’m ok for another moment. Oh and send Hayden back in here when you get a chance that kid is fucking hilarious!”

You awkwardly laughed off Donna’s words before moving to exit the kitchen, Carmy awkwardly moved in the same direction as you as he tried to step out of your way. A redness crept up his neck as he did it for a second time.

A small laugh escaped you and you couldn’t help but find his embarrassment funny in that moment, “Excuse me.” Your hand gently gripped his bicep to lead him out of your way as you stepped around him. You sent one last tense smile his way before taking your leave, a weight lifting off your shoulders as soon as you stepped out of the kitchen. All you had to do was avoid Carmy for the rest of the night and all would be well.

It was the same as you remembered it. After letting Hayden know his presence was wanted in the kitchen and with no luck finding Nat, you began your journey upstairs to catch up with Tiff, only for the sight of Carmy’s childhood bedroom door partially open to steal your attention. Even though you came home every Christmas, you hadn’t been inside the room since Carmy left. You made a split-second decision before slipping through the open door, flipping the light on as you entered, not at all surprised to see that it was kept in the same condition from all those years ago.

Nostalgia washed over you as you looked around, so many moments of your younger years took place in this very room, walking into it now was like taking a trip back in time. Slowly, you let your eyes rove around realizing that you could recall a memory from almost every object situated around the space. As you walked in allowing yourself to bask in the nostalgia you spotted what you assumed were Carmy’s belongings, your eyes landed on a pile of journals stacked atop each other, and next to them lay what looked to be culinary books.

You made your way over to the nightstand finger gliding across the cover of the top journal, looking at it you wondered if Carmy kept up with his artistic pursuits or if they had another use. You were tempted to look through one of them but even though your friendship with Carmy was non-existent you would still respect his privacy. Your eyes landed on the edge of the bookmark sticking out of the top of one of the thick culinary books, checking over your shoulder you picked up the book before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

The hardcover was in pristine condition which surprised you considering how rough Carmy was with books when the two of you were younger, but as you began flipping through you found the book filled with annotations sometimes multiple on one page that it was almost impossible to clearly read them. A small smile raised to your lips as you read some of the notes in the margins, fingers smoothing across the dry ink every once in a while as you tried to imagine Carmy writing them.

As you continued flipping through the book it almost felt as though in a way you were learning the person Carmy became, and while a few notes about how to cook certain dishes would never give you full insight. It was enjoyable to see how much obvious pride Carmy felt in his craft. You thumbed through a few pages before finally stopping on the bookmarked page, the margins not nearly as filled in as the previous pages.

A quiet exhale of breath left your lips as your fingertips found the edge of the bookmark. Of all the things it could've been, this was one of the last things you expected Carmy to use to keep his place. The teens frozen in time looked like babies, a quiet huff of laughter the only reaction you could give in the moment as you peered down at the two naive teens in the photo oblivious to just how drastically their lives would change, the irreparable space that would grow between them and fester.

Carmy + Baby end of summer picnic

'i'll miss you forever carm'

A quiet snort escaped at the lovesick message you'd written on the back of the picture before letting Carmy keep it.

Holding the photo in your hand felt like some sort of cosmic joke as you stared down at the two younger, forgotten versions of yourselves. Like the universe was laughing in your face as it led you to this photo. You remembered the moment captured clear as day, your feelings for Carmy began to grow as more than friends and maybe you felt that way all along but you hadn’t noticed. It was a tradition for the two of you to have an end-of-the-summer picnic before the start of a new school year and you worked up all the courage you had to finally admit that you were crushing on him, but your plan never came to fruition as Carmy spilled the beans about his crush on Claire Dunlap and his lovesick expression as he spoke stole whatever hope you had of him ever reciprocating your feelings.

Your eyes watered as you stared at the selfless younger version of you who bottled up what she thought to be love to allow Carmy whatever happiness he wanted. You wished you could hug her, prepare her for the ugly falling out between you and the youngest Berzatto, your chest ached with deep raw emotion as the betrayal of it all awoke in you once more.

“Mikey I fucking swear if yo-,” Carmy’s voice cut through the pity party you were throwing for yourself.

Subtly you raised your free hand to your face to dab at your eyes hoping to whatever forces that were out there the few stray tears didn’t leave any tracks in their wake. You stood up, the book sliding off your lap as you tried and failed miserably to make a quick escape.

“Shit,” you bent down picking up the book, the movement gave you another moment to collect yourself before speaking with Carmy. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be in here.” You turned to him avoiding his eyes as you held the book in one hand and the photograph in the other cursing yourself for losing Carmy’s place in the book and hoping the fall hadn’t damaged his possession at all.

Although you didn’t want to be alone with Carmy on purpose, as he locked you in his gaze you felt like you couldn’t get your feet to listen to your brain. You watched in silence as his eyes fell to where you held the book before latching onto the photograph, giving Carmy a clear image of what made you so upset.

“No, it's uh…it's ok,” Carmy’s voice sounded hollow as he spoke to you, neither of you knowing how to navigate this situation. “Can I-I join you?”

Carmy gestured to where you stood by his bed, surprising you as your hands tightened around the objects in them unsure if the decision you were about to make was for the best, or if you were just feeding into the desires of the younger you. You gave a soft nod watching as his shoulders seemed to lose a bit of tension that you noticed in your short time back in his life, seemed to permanently accompany him.

Knowing Carmy wouldn’t move until you did, you slowly walked around the bed before gently sitting at the foot, inviting Carmy to join you with the tilt of your head. His movement was awkward, unsure like no one prepared him for this moment and he didn’t know what to do with himself.

The two of you sat next to each other, little to no distance between you as his bouncing knee knocked into yours a few times letting you know just how nervous he was. Carmy tried his hardest not to steal glimpses of you in his peripheral vision, but it was hard not to when you were sitting there beside him in a bed the two of you shared countless times. If times were different he might’ve reached out to purposely touch you, to assure himself you were physically here with him. To remind himself of what once was between the two of you. What could no longer be?

“You read now?” Your question pulled him out of the recesses of his mind as he watched you lay the book in your lap, surprised it hadn’t dented from the fall. “Sorry that came out wrong, I just…I remember how much you despised it growing up.”

Carmy listened as your voice trailed off in a whisper, he wondered if thinking about your intertwined past hurt you as much as it did him. He wished he could stay locked in his room with you for the remainder of the evening relearning who you were as a person and learning all about everything he missed out on with you out of his life. He gently reached over grabbing the book out of your lap and setting it to his side before delicately plucking the picture out of your hands, smoothing out a corner your grip bent unconsciously as he spoke.

“Yeah, I uh picked it up at the French Laundry it uh really helped focus me.” He nodded his head remembering the way he would lose himself in the educational books in an effort to stop himself wondering what you were up to.

The quiet giggle you let out drew his attention, his eyes caught sight of your toothy smile before finding your eyes. “Sorry I always just picture you doing a bunch of laundry there.”

He let out a chuckle of his own relaxing more into the conversation as he angled his body towards you, a small smile lined his lips all because of yours. Carmy let his eyes dart around your face wanting to take in the minute joy that he was able to bring forth in you, only to frown as he watched your face slowly lose its happy demeanor as your eyebrows pinched together and you pulled your lip between your teeth.

“What happened to us, Carmy?” The sadness in your voice was obvious as your finger darted out to tap the picture in his hand, after all this time you still had no idea what you did wrong. “I…I miss you so much Carm, I miss us. And I know it's stupid, you made it clear how you felt about me but you were my best friend and I,” you trailed off knowing now wasn’t the right time to reveal all you felt for him.

Carmy let his eyes fall, unable to watch the sadness on your face grow, instead staring at a happier version of you trapped in time “I called Baby…y-you never answered.”

A sardonic laugh escaped you at his words, wishing things were that easy, “I was hurt Carm of course I never answered your calls. I’ve forgiven you for a lot Carmy, more than you probably even know but I couldn’t let you think it was ok for you to say all of those things to me and then just let everything go back to normal.”

Carmy tried, he really did try to understand where you were coming from. He knew he was wrong for hurting you in the way he did but how did you expect things to get better if you were purposely ignoring him? “You could’ve called me Baby, whenever you were over everything you could’ve called.”

“Over it?” Carmy knew he said the wrong words the second the question left your lips. “Well I’m sorry Carm I didn’t get over it soon enough for you, you cut me out of your life of your own volition you pushed me away Carmy. And it would’ve been easier if you just ghosted me or something but you said it yourself Carm I ruined your life and you didn’t need me anymore.”

He flinched as the words left your lips forcing himself into a standing position as he tried to find the right words. “I-I tried ok Baby what more did you want me to do?”

“I wanted you to fight for me, Carmen!” You stood as well, lips trembling as you let years worth of bottled-up emotions spill out. “I wanted to know that I mattered to you how you mattered to me, I would’ve done anything for you, I always put you first above what I wanted. And all I wanted was that same effort in return I wanted to be your priority for once. All you had to do was fight for me…for us Carm.”

“We,” you paused trying to calm yourself down enough to get out a coherent sentence. “We grew up together, you were always my person Carmy and then…then you just threw it all away. You threw me away like I was nothing to you.”

Carmy closed his eyes tilting his head back to the ceiling, it was selfish, he knew it was the moment the thought crossed his mind, but he couldn’t hear these words from you right now, no matter how much he wished to put this tension between the two of you to rest. But the raw emotion in your voice and the tears streaming down your face were too much for him at that moment. He took a second to try and collect the dozens of thoughts racing through his mind. Hoping to land on what he thought you wanted to hear, anything to soothe the indigestion starting to burn through his chest.

He came back to reality, eyes no longer looking in your direction, posture closed off signifying he was done with this conversation whether you agreed or not. He slid the picture in his hand into his back pocket, unable to stare at the happy kids in the picture with hardly any worries.

“Did you?” His voice was quiet as he asked the question head turning in your direction, but eyes never quite landing on your figure, as if he couldn’t stand to look at you. “D-did you fight for us?” He waited for your reply, becoming impatient as confusion washed over your features, deciding to just say what he needed to get off his chest.

“Baby you-…you’re married.”

The words hung heavy in the air between you, Carmy’s voice an exhausted whisper as he spoke them. You looked at him as though his words were news to you, confused as to where he even got that idea from but more than that you couldn’t understand how being married canceled out a friendship with him. Nonetheless, there it was, exactly what you didn’t want to happen: Carmen's incessant need to avoid the tough conversations that he couldn’t help but make everyone else’s problem.

A shocked laugh ripped through you, finding his statement utterly ridiculous, “What the hell are you even talking about?” You didn’t give him a chance to respond not caring about the misinformation at the moment just wanting to call him out on his bullshit. “I know what you’re doing Carmen, and if you can’t face me and hash this out right now then I don’t think there’s much more for either of us to say to each other.”

You stood there for a moment longer, hoping your earlier pleas had somehow gotten through to him, but as he stood there sunken into himself, eyes avoiding you at all cost you knew you were just a broken record talking to a brick wall at this point. An exhausted sigh escaped your lips as you began leaving the room, not wanting to waste any more of your time.

“Baby,” his voice stopped you as you reached the door, hand on the knob as you tried to make your exit. You allowed yourself to turn around expecting more than you should’ve as you found him looking in your direction, words seemingly on the tip of his tongue before he shook his head back and forth.

A teary-eyed smile graced your face as you gave him one last look, “I hope life was everything you wanted it to be Carm.”

You turned, making your exit and closing the door behind you. Your heart ached as you finally realized after so long that maybe there was nothing else in store for you and Carmy.

You made your way through the house, looking for any space that you could compose yourself in, not wanting to ruin anyone else’s Christmas with your unpleasant mood. You did your best to quickly walk past the room containing the Fak Brothers, Steven, and surprisingly a still sober Hayden. Any other time you would have sat comfortably next to Stevie and Hayden as raptly intrigued as they were with the Fak family shenanigans. But in those potential instances, you also wouldn’t have been overthinking every decision you made regarding your friendship with Carmen and wondering why even after that shit show of a conversation you still held an inkling of hope for the two of you.

Continuing your journey through the house narrowly avoiding guests as you went, you quickly backtracked as you noticed a familiar back blankly facing the pantry. You felt bad for even letting the thought cross your mind, but you weren’t sure if Mikey was the right person to seek comfort in, knowing he already had his hands full trying to keep everything under control.

It was ridiculous to let something Carmy said have such an impact on you within such a short amount of time. But if anyone knew who Carmy thought you were married to it was Mikey, and you were adamant on getting to the bottom of the rumor before the end of the night.

You let out a defeated sigh stepping slightly forward to wrap your arms around Mikey’s torso, cheek settling into the space between his shoulder blades, “Your little brother is a fucking idiot.” You murmured voice slightly muffled by Mikey’s back.

A rough laugh escaped through Mikey’s lips as he patted your hand resting on his stomach, “Sure is when it comes to you ain’t he?” He questioned removing himself from your hold to lean his back against the pantry doorway. You followed suit standing opposite of him, the two of you now face to face.

You took in Mikey’s features, brows pinching together at the faraway look in his eyes. It always amazed you that no matter if Mikey was physically in front of you, there was always a chance he was mentally somewhere else. That was the one similarity you could pick out between the two Berzatto boys, while Mikey’s charisma did a good job of hiding it, Carmen’s awkwardness put it on full display.

You reached out tugging at the sleeve of his shirt, “How are you doing Mikey?” You were genuinely curious, it's not like you were oblivious to Mikey’s many faults, the difference was you didn’t think he was a lost cause like everyone else. And as hard as it was to admit it to yourself you would never address the fact that you romanticized who Mikey was as a person. The Mikey you knew as a little girl was still the same Mikey you saw standing before you, and maybe he had a few more demons in his closet that he made sure to keep tightly veiled from you, but it felt egregiously wrong to align your Mikey with the boogeyman everyone else made him out to be.

Mikey laughed swatting your hand away, “It's the most wonderful time of the fucking year Baby, how do you think I’m doing?” Mikey’s adversity in answering your question wasn’t lost upon you, but you knew Mikey wasn’t one to openly talk about how he was feeling. If avoidance was what you were going to get, you knew there was no chance of this conversation going anywhere. You were 0 for 2 with the Berzatto brothers this evening it seemed.

You sighed, knocking your head against the wall you were leaning on, eyes shifting downwards as you prepared yourself for the topic you were about to bring up, “Can I ask you a question, Mikey? And can you be serious with me for one minute?” You pleaded needing someone to validate the way you felt since your less-than-enlightening conversation with Carmy.

Mikey nodded eyebrows pinching together, a lick of concern tickled down his spine. Mikey knew you just as well as he knew his actual siblings. Despite the age difference, Mikey grew up right there with you, watching you grow into the person you are now, learning your mannerisms, and understanding you as a person. You hadn’t asked for it but Mikey made it his mission to know you just as well as the younger Berzatto’s, if you were gonna be tossed into his eccentric family due to circumstance, he would do his best to treat you like a bonus little sister.

The slight nod of his head queued you to reveal your query, “Do you ever feel, I don’t know, like inadequate?” You questioned scratching your nails against the material of your outfit, too consumed by the idea that Mikey would write your odd inquiry off. “Like sometimes it’s just exhausting to even fucking exist and-and there’s no rule book for this shit, but sometimes even your absolute best will never be good enough ya know? Like no matter how hard you try it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re just gonna die someday anyway?”

You chanced a glance at Mikey hoping he wouldn’t take your very real insecurities as a joke. The blank stare in his eyes greeted you by telling you a different story. Mikey was a hard person to read, and though you believed you had cracked the code to his complex soul, it was in moments like these that you knew you couldn’t be more wrong.

The sudden movement of Mikey’s hands reaching up to cup your face and jerk your head closer to him almost caused you to lose balance. “Why the fuck would you say that?” The tone in Mikey’s voice forced you to try and shrink into yourself. “This got anything to do with my shithead little brother?”

Your eyes cast downwards not prepared for the intensity in Mikey’s eyes, your lips parting to respond before abruptly being cut off by Mikey, “Fucking look at me when I’m talking to you, Baby. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” His hands redirected your gaze to his with a more gentle approach.

You shrugged your shoulders, feeling stupid for even talking like this in front of Mikey, “I’m not sure, to be honest. I talked to Carmy, and it went as well as you would guess. And I just, I don’t know, I guess I just got lost in my head. And work has been so stressful lately, I still have two years left in my contract so if I do move back here I’m going to have to buy it out.” You shook your head from his grip, “It's just nonsense, don’t worry about me. I think seeing Carmy after so long just made me spiral.” You offered him a small smile hoping it was as reassuring as you thought it was.

Mikey pulled you into a hug chin resting atop your head. Mikey’s hugs were like magic, a bear hug so comforting and warm, his arms made you feel safe, and protected. You felt a little selfish for constantly dumping your problems on Mikey, but he had become your closest confidant, you wish the same could be said about you from Mikey’s point of view, but you were already lucky enough that he shared what little nuggets of the inner working of his life that he did with you.

Mikey pulled back, his hands settled on your shoulders to get a good look at you, “Don’t let me hear you say shit like that again alright Baby?” You nodded the corner of your lips curving slightly as Mikey played the role of big brother and began scolding you. “You’re a great fucking girl alright, and don’t even worry about Carmy, you’ve got a heart of fucking gold. You’re like that motherfucker with the gold touch alright, and I need you Baby okay? I need you and that means something right, you’re fucking adequate these fuckers in this house wish they were you.”

You laughed, the melodic sound filling the space between the two of you, “King Midas.”

Mikey’s hands dropped from their position on your shoulders frowning at you, “Who the fuck is that?”

“The motherfucker with the gold touch,” You joked.

“Alright, you fucking smart ass.” Mikey reached up to flick your nose, a small gesture carried on from childhood.

The two of you stood in the other’s presence for what felt like forever, no words needing to be passed between you. You and Mikey enjoyed being in each other's company, using the pantry as a place of solace before returning to reality. The sound of Donna’s voice yelling about saltines pulled you out of the moment as you listened to Carmy’s reply unaware of when he made his way back downstairs. You glanced in the pantry spotting the saltines Carmy would be coming to acquire a small sigh leaving your lips. If Carmy was going to avoid a much-needed conversation, you would just avoid him. Sure it was petty but you wanted him to somehow get a taste of the suffering his lack of effort caused you.

“Well, this has been fun, but I’m currently avoiding that brother of yours.” You shot Mikey a sarcastic smile preparing to find some other hole to hide in before family dinner commenced only to remember what you came to ask him about in the first place. “Did you tell him I was married?”

Mikey let out a full belly laugh causing you to frown at his reaction, unsure if he was laughing at the thought of you being married or Carmy just being an idiot. “Where the fuck did he get that idea from?”

His question hung in the air before realization washed over the both of you, Mikey’s smile widened as you let out a groan “Richie.”

You should’ve known someone planted the idea in Carmy’s head you just couldn’t believe Carmy fell for it. Though you still couldn’t understand why something of the sort would ever matter to Carmy in the first place.

“My little brother is a fucking idiot,” Mikey chuckled moving out of the way to allow you to pass by. You laughed glad that someone agreed with your astute observation skills. Deciding to check on Tiff you nicked the box of saltines and made your way to the stairs before stopping at the landing.

“Hey.” You turned back to Mikey catching his attention for a brief moment, if the raise of his eyebrows was any conformation. “I love you brother bear.” You shot him a wink then proceeded to continue your previously decided journey.

Mikey watched your figure disappear up the stairs, a solemn smile resting on his lips. The idea that you had at one point harbored such unnerving thoughts scared him. But what scared him, even more, was he knew exactly what you were talking about.

a/n: posting this update because i know this work week is going to push me past my limit and i'm gonna need something to take my mind off to it. 🫶🏼

enjoy chapter 2 of the rewrite please fangirl with me i am begging i love hearing all your thoughts and theories. likes/comments/and reblogs are highly appreciated. 🤍

also please make sure to take care of your mental health this week regardless of what tuesday's outcome is, it's going to be rough so please take care of yourselves and stay safe!!

[etherealising]

OMMGG! A Nathan Scott fic is soo needed and if you do write it you’ll definitely be doing it justice cause you really have a way of captivating readers with your writing x

I’m glad I found you in time; seems you were gone for quite some time but you still responded to my ask :)) ugh I’m so honored lol.

I look forward to your updates xx

that man was probably my first ever crush and he deserves the hype till this day!

but oh my goodness you have me flustered! your compliment is really making me feel confident in my writing and you do not understand how much i needed to see this and how much it means to me so thank you <3 <3

of course my love! i'm def not as consistent on here as much as i would like to be because of life, but i'm glad you found me and i know i sound like a broken record but i do enjoy the small community this page has brought me and i will ALWAYS reply to my asks. you guys are all my internet besties!! 😭💕

[etherealising]

Omg I’m so excited that ur back!!! I’m so obsessed with ‘a buried and a burning flame’ YALL DONT UNDERSTANDDDDD

🫶🫶🫶

ahhh hi bestie, genuinely so excited to be back!!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

also so glad to hear you're loving the richie fic and bestie...let me tell you i am working night and day on part 3. like that fic literally haunts my dreams i need that old man bad! i've had some of the nastiest, raunchiest thoughts ideas for part 3 idk if they'll make the cut. but i promise another part for that fic is coming!!

[etherealising]

four | the art of letting you go

masterlist | previous chapter | next chapter

pairing(s): carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

synopsis: as the chaotic berzatto family christmas draws to a close, you and carmy find yourselves dancing around truths you both can't seem to admit even after so much time apart.

warning(s): none | minimally edited |

wc: 9.9k

You leaned against the bathroom sink for a moment longer, willing the ibuprofen to work faster. Christmas with the Berzatto’s was never traditional or without its chaos, but you were sure this was the worst it had ever been. You still couldn’t wrap your head around what just happened, your ears picked up on the noise outside of the bathroom, the tow truck having arrived. You took one last deep breath before turning to leave.

You tuned out most of the noise, trying to find Hayden amid all the chaos, only to come up empty. Spotting Michelle and Stevie preparing to leave, you made your way toward them, hoping they had any idea where the man might be.

“Michelle, have either of you seen Hayden by chance?” You watched as Stevie helped Michelle slip on her jacket, finding the two of them endearing.

She shook her head no before Stevie spoke up, “I think I saw him step outside a little bit ago.”

You nodded in appreciation, moving to walk around them but stopping as Michelle’s hand shot out to grip your arm. You looked at her in question.

“Baby, you care deeply about Carmy, right?” You nodded apprehensively, the words she wasn’t saying not at all lost on you. “Just…this shit, being here is toxic for him I mean look at the fucking dining room.” Michelle stopped to take a breath, trying not to get too upset.

“What I’m saying is I offered Carm to come stay with us in New York for a bit, get away from all this.” She gestured between herself and Stevie as you nodded along to her words. “I need you to do me a favor and talk him into coming if his mind's not already made up, please.”

A chuckle passed through your lips at her words, “I think it’s a great idea, Michelle, but I can’t force Carmy to do something he doesn’t want to do.”

Michelle’s lips pulled up into a half smile as she looked at you, “I think we both know you can.” You frowned at her words, not sure what she was getting at. “Just try, please…you love him, and I know you want better for him. This is better for him.”

The woman gently squeezed your arm in one last plea. You knew she hadn’t meant to throw your unreturned feelings in your face but was more so stating a fact that it seemed like everyone but the person you wanted most seemed to know.

You sighed before nodding, not promising anything but knowing you would try regardless. “It was good seeing you two. Drive safe.” You earned a hug from each of them before walking around the couple to continue your hunt for Hayden.

As you trekked down the street in your search, you couldn’t help but think about Michelle’s words. You couldn’t be sure that New York would be better for Carmy at all, but you knew he didn’t get out all those years ago to chase a dream, just to end up back in Chicago being swallowed up by all the bullshit this town brought. You caught sight of a group of neighbors standing outside, spotting Hayden’s tall figure easily as you decided you’d bring the conversation up to Carmy somehow before you left.

Making your way towards Hayden, you were surprised to see him in conversation with Claire Dunlap. Last you heard, she was in med school. Hayden caught sight of you before waving you over, causing Claire to turn in your direction and wave once she realized who you were.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the three musketeers back together again.” You laughed off Hayden’s words as Claire pulled you into a hug, greeting you.

The three of you back together after all this time seemed inevitable. “Baby, it's so good to see you! We were just talking about that summer.” She gestured between her and Hayden before the three of you shared in quiet laughter.

It was the summer after high school graduation that found the three of you an unlikely trio. With Carmy out of your life and Hayden filling in that void, Claire somehow seemed the most likely fit since Fak spent most days working the myriad of family businesses the Faks possessed. You and Claire were cordial throughout high school but only really began hanging out after Senior prom, where you forced the lifelong duo of you and Carmy into a group after prom night in hopes of creating a bit of distance.

Hayden pulling you and Claire into his sides brought you out of your head, quietly laughing along with the other woman, “So listen…ladies, Hay Hay needs some cheering up, and it just so happens a few people we graduated with are having a Christmas party so…any takers?”

You scrunched up your nose at the idea of partying with people from high school, also just surprised by the many mood swings Hayden was exhibiting in one night. Claire speaking up in agreement to join Hayden made you feel a little less bad that you were about to decline his offer.

Movement in your peripheral vision caught your attention, forcing you to turn your head only to be surprised when you made eye contact with Carmy across the street. The two of you held each other’s gaze as you tried not to focus too much on the way his lips wrapped around the cigarette he was smoking.

“I love you, Hayden, and I know you need friends right now. But I think I’m gonna hang around and help out the Berzattos.” You turned to look at the man, watching as his eyes darted across the street, followed not so shortly by Claire’s.

Hayden shrugged, removing his arm from around you, “No, no, I get it, Baby. You just love Carmy more than you love me.”

The volume of his voice was louder than it needed to be, catching the attention of everyone else gathered around and forcing Claire to cover her giggles with her hand as you shoved the mans shoulder, imploring him to shut up.

“God, you’re so annoying. See, this is why I’d rather clean up Christmas dinner than hang out with you.”

You ignored the very unsubtle look Hayden gave Claire, not wanting to get into that at the moment before the more tolerable of the two spoke up.

“We should hang out before the holidays are over. When do you head back to the West Coast, Baby?” You nodded along to Claire’s words, wanting to the make the most out of your short vacation.

“My flight leaves the day after tomorrow. We could do breakfast in the morning if the two of you don’t party too hard.” You looked between the two individuals, watching as they nodded along in agreement, a smile lining your lips. “Great, Hayden just text me where to meet.”

The man nodded, happy not to have to put up a fight about being the one to choose where to eat. You guys continued going over the morning plans for a few minutes more before the passing of the tow truck with Donna’s Benz forced your small group into silence, watching as it drove out of the neighborhood.

“Well, guess I’ll see you two in the morning. Please be careful and make good choices.” You pulled Hayden into a tight embrace, raising to kiss his cheek before you and Claire hugged, exchanging goodbyes.

Hayden patted your head with his hand, “I’m not ready to be an uncle, so you make good choices too!” He gave a soft pat to your bum as you walked away, making sure that once again his voice was louder than it needed to be, forcing you to wonder why you even tolerated his friendship and ignoring the urge to look in Carmy’s direction even as you felt his stare burning into your figure.

“Nat, I promise everything will be fine if you go home.” You were helping her take the food platters from the dining room to the kitchen so all leftovers could be put away.

You and Pete had been trying to talk her into going home for the past 20 minutes, getting most of the cleaning done along the way. When you returned to the house, most everyone had cleared out besides Tiff, who was lying on the couch waiting for Richie’s return and Nat and Pete, who were having a small argument about heading home. You knew Nat would try to stay and clean everything up, but you didn’t mind taking the burden off her shoulders and lending a hand, considering how tired all the worrying she did throughout the day must’ve made her. And you knew Nat well enough to know she was most likely blaming herself for the car-sized hole in the wall, and she deserved to go home and rest.

“Listen to Baby Nat.” Pete followed the two of you into the kitchen, trying his hardest to get through to his wife. “You need some rest, honey. Baby already volunteered to clean the rest of the mess up. You’ve done enough for tonight.”

You watched from your position in the kitchen as Nat rested her hands atop the countertop and lowered her head as she released an exhausted sigh, “I’m so tired.”

“Exactly why you should listen to your loving husband and head home.” You came to stand next to her leaning against the countertop. “I promise you don’t have to worry about anything, Nat. I’ve got it handled.”

She lifted her head to look at you, biting her lip in contemplation before she finally gave in and nodded to your words. You let out a sigh of relief before the older woman pulled you into a much-needed hug, and you returned it with just as much vigor.

“Are you sure you don’t need my help?” She pulled back, and you could tell from the look in her eyes that she was searching your face for anything she could lock onto to get her to stay.

“Natalie.”

She closed her mouth at the stern way you said her name, giving you an apologetic smile before nodding and letting you go. You followed her and Pete out of the kitchen, moving out of the way of the returning group as they walked through the door and waited for the couple to grab their belongings to say your goodbyes.

Nat pulled you in for one last hug before you moved to hug Pete. “You two get home safe, I’ll try not to come in too late.” Nat nodded along to your words before Pete ushered her out of the house, sending you one last wave before you turned to finish cleaning the awaiting mess in the kitchen.

Returning to the kitchen, you surveyed the array of dishes scattered around you, releasing a tired sigh before you rolled your sleeves up and got to work. You did your best to ignore the quiet argument happening between Richie and Tiff as they prepared to leave in the foyer. The sound of the door opening and closing made you think they left without saying goodbye, but then you realized it was Carmy as he exchanged goodbyes with the couple.

“Baby! We’re heading out.” Richie’s voice reached your ears as you wiped your hands on a dish towel before moving to exit the kitchen and see them off.

The trio was all standing in the foyer, and you moved to hug Tiff first, gently squeezing her against your own body as much as her bump allowed. “It was so good to see you. Let me know how you like the gift, yeah.” She pulled away, placing a soft kiss against your cheek while murmuring a tired thank you.

A quiet giggle left you as Richie wrapped you in a warm hug and began rocking you back and forth and cooing nonsense in your ear before placing a kiss onto the crown of your head. You pulled back smiling as you looked at him, “Why didn’t you tell me Hayden was getting a divorce now I feel like a fuckin’ jagoff.”

You gave him a disbelieving look, he was acting like you forced him to run with his stupid little joke. “So it’s my fault you have the humor of a five-year-old?” You raised your eyebrows in question, ignoring the figure lingering in your peripheral. “Honestly though, it kept Hayden’s mind off of Sasha for a bit, so I guess it wasn’t as terrible as I let on.”

Richie gave you a triumphant smile before leaning in for one last hug and turning to escort his wife out of the house as Carmy opened the door for them. Richie stopped on the porch before turning to you and Carmy, “You two lizards have fun with the fucking mess. And Carm, don’t let Baby leave this house after midnight; she doesn’t need to be out on the road so late.” The wink he sent you earned him another eye roll. You knew the older man thought he was being slick and helping you, but he was just being a nuisance. You waved the two of them off before leaving Carmy in the foyer and returning to the kitchen.

Carmy entered a bit after you. Neither of you spoke; instead, he just began to help you. The two of you easily fell into an unspoken rhythm. The sight of you moving around each other, knowing exactly what the other needed without being told, was so domestic it almost disgusted you. As Carmy held a bowl for you to scoop leftovers into, you could feel his gaze shooting up every so often to stare at you. You were sure he had something to say but was second-guessing himself, a trait he hadn’t seemed to outgrow.

“You, uh…you didn’t marry Hayden, did you?” You let out a quiet chuckle at the rhetorical question. Carmy’s tone made it obvious that your and Richie’s conversation in the foyer already answered his question, and now he was seeking confirmation.

You scooped the rest of the food into the bowl before reaching for the lid and placing it on, then looking up at Carmy. “Did you ever receive an invitation in the mail?” Carmy’s eyebrows shot up his face, almost like he was surprised you would’ve invited him to your hypothetical wedding. “You could’ve just asked me, you know. When have you ever believed anything Richie’s ever said anyway?”

Carmy gave you a solemn nod of his head before taking the Tupperware from your hands and placing it in the fridge. You moved to place the pot and ladle in the sink, relieved to finally begin washing all the dishes, getting you one step closer to being done with the clean up. Pressure on your lower back caused you to stiffen as Carmy stood a bit behind you, not allowing his hand to linger for longer than necessary.

“Let me wash the dishes. You did most of the work already, just dry 'em for me.” He moved to stand at your side, the sleeves of his sweater rolled up, giving you a glance at the few lines of ink you knew he didn’t have when you last saw him. You allowed your eyes to wander in curiosity, wishing to know the story behind each addition, but instead nodded and moved from in front of the sink to allow him space and grabbed a new dish towel from the side drawer.

If Carmy saw the question in your eyes, he didn’t comment on it, instead turning the faucet on and beginning to wash the dishes.

A comfortable silence fell upon the two of you; the only noise floating through the kitchen was the sound of the running water and dishes hitting the side of the sink from time to time as the two of you worked in tandem harmony.

Neither of you mentioned the lack of space between you two or the constant accidental touches of your arms brushing each other’s.

As you set the last pot down to dry, you could hear Carmy rummaging around behind you, getting something out of the refrigerator. You quickly washed and dried your hands before turning in your direction, staring at his back for a moment before he turned around. Your eyes fell on the saucer in his hand with one singular cannoli on it, your chest feeling a bit heavy at the sight of it.

Carmy slowly made his way over to you, the saucer held out between your two bodies in offering. You couldn’t help the small smile from spreading on your lips as you looked at the treat eyes moving to look at Carmy’s to find him already looking at you.

“I uh…we used to share a cannoli every Christmas,” he paused, free hand moving to awkwardly rub the back of his neck as his eyes dropped to a random spot on your face to avoid direct eye contact. “Thought it’d uh be nice to share one tonight…since we’re both in town.”

You nodded in understanding, reaching out for the dessert, watching as Carmy carefully reached around you to place the saucer on the counter behind you, the space between the two of you almost nonexistent as he stepped closer. You raised the cannoli between the two of you, free hand gently cupping Carmy’s chin as you guided the treat toward his mouth, watching as he slowly parted his lips, softly biting down before allowing you to pull the cannoli away from his mouth. Your thumb darted across his bottom lip as he chewed carefully wiping the spot of cream left behind before moving your hand from his chin and pushing the appendage through your lips sucking off the tart filling.

Carmy’s eyes followed the movement as he slowly chewed, trying not to show just how mesmerized by you he was in that moment, gaze glued to the slow way you pulled your thumb from between your lips. “Do you remember the last cannoli we shared?” Your quiet voice helped to clear the daze he was in. his eyes fluttered rapidly a few times before finding your own again, a slow nod of his head being his only answer as he watched you bite into the cannoli, trying to calm the longing the indirect kiss brought forth in him.

“D-did you…you uh ever tell him?” Carmy didn’t care to hear your answer, but he needed a distraction from the way you were unconsciously awakening years of yearning within him. He watched as a frown painted your features, letting his eyes dip down your face to watch the way your lips wrapped around the treat before the object was no longer obstructing the pretty line of your mouth. Carmy swallowed, doing his best to ground himself as he realized with every breath he took he could feel your chest brush against his. “Y-you said he was older. I just…assumed it was Mikey.”

Realization swept through you at Carmy’s words. You swallowed the bit of food in your mouth before slowly swiping your tongue across your lips, ignoring the sudden urge to kiss the man standing before you.

You thought back to Christmas of senior year, the last time you shared a cannoli with Carmy. You’d both made promises to each other. Promises that neither of you bothered to keep. You remembered Carmy’s wide blue eyes as he promised to help you hide the fact that you were taking a gap year before college, knowing your mom was at the end of her rope. And you who stupidly promised him you would finally admit your feelings to the guy you’d been crushing on, his words reminding you of the partial lie you told at one point about him being older to assuage Carmy’s curiosity, so it made sense he would’ve thought you it was Mikey.

A moment of silence passed between you as you contemplated what you should do, tugging your lip between your teeth before coming to a decision and setting the last bite of cannoli on the saucer, never breaking eye contact with Carmy. Your fingers slowly reached out, and you felt as his twitched once your own finally made contact before your hands were slowly intertwining with his.

“It was never Mikey.”

The words were whispered between the two of you, the subtle admission of truth hung heavily in the air of the Berzatto kitchen. Carmy was only a few months older than you, but still older, nonetheless. His grip on your fingers tightened as he frowned while looking at you, trying to understand why you looked so unsure of yourself.

There was clear apprehension in your eyes the longer Carmy looked at you without saying anything. Your heart pounded hard in your chest, and a sick feeling rose in your throat as you clung to the false confidence swimming through your veins.

“Carm,” you paused, needing a minute of preparation,n surprised when Carmy’s hand apprehensively settled against your cheek thumb gently rubbing back and forth, wetness spreading across your cheek, letting you know the tears you were fighting so hard to hold back finally made their appearance.

Carmy’s other hand released yours, moving to cup you other cheek, trapping your face between his warm, slightly calloused hands. You closed your eyes at the safe and comforting feeling that washed over you from being in his presence after so long. Things between the two of you weren’t fixed by far, and you hadn’t forgiven the cruel way he treated you five years ago. But you weren’t sure how much longer you could live with yourself knowing you never told him about the love you held for him.

“Talk to me, Baby…p-please.” The concern was not only evident in his voice but his eyes as he stood in front of you, anxiously waiting for whatever it was you needed to tell him.

With one last deep breath, you reached up, allowing your hands to grip his wrist and ground you to the moment before speaking. “Carmy I-,”

You flinched in his hold as a loud crash reverberated through the house, and Donna’s muffled curses followed shortly after. Carmy’s hands dropped from your face in an instant as he stepped back out of your space. Whatever moment the two of you had been trapped in was gone just as quickly as it seemed to start.

Carmy’s hands came to wipe across his face, pushing his hair back in the process before he spoke up. “I should go check on her just…uh don’t leave i-its late.”

You nodded your head up and down, rapidly waving him off with a forced smile on your lips. You watched as Carmy hesitated to take his leave, only moving as more curses could be heard from Donna. He let out an annoyed sigh before leaving the kitchen.

A quiet sigh escaped you as you dropped your head to your hands, trying to get your emotions under control, unsure what to do with yourself. The exhaustion of the day settled heavily into your bones as you stood there. All you wanted to do was sleep, and as much as you’d rather return to Nat and Pete’s house to do so, you knew it was better if you didn’t drive while tied and emotionally distraught.

After giving yourself a moment, you grabbed the saucer with the last bit of cannoli and turned to throw it in the trash before placing the plate in the sink. Exiting the kitchen, you moved to Mikey’s room, knowing he wouldn’t mind and that spending your night in his room was for the best.

The present on the edge of Mikey’s bed was haunting you. Against your better judgment, before hunkering down in Mikey’s room, you went to get Carmy’s present out of your rental car. You thought for sure that after a nice warm shower, you would’ve had some idea of what you were going to do, but as you sat on Mikey’s bed in the spare clothes you left in his room last Christmas, you were nowhere near being close to a decision. You could always just leave it in front of his bedroom door and pretend like it was nothing, but that seemed too immature even for you.

After a few more minutes of thinking, you’d come to the decision to just take it upstairs to him and then return to Mikey’s room. You put yourself in this position by buying him a gift in the first place, so now you have to deal with the awkwardness of giving it to him.

Rising from the bed, you grumbled under your breath as you snatched the box up and walked across the room and, wrenching the door open in frustration, before walking towards the stairs and taking them two at a time to get this over and done with. Stopping in front of Carmy’s door, you took a deep breath, raising your hand to knock, only to stop as his bedroom door swung open.

A freshly showered Carmy stood on the other side of the door. You felt a bit ashamed at the way you let your eyes rove over his toned figure, tracing the lines of his muscular arms that his white tank top left on display before meeting his eyes, knowing he just watched you shamelessly check him out.

Carmy cleared his throat as you looked at him, the red patches inking up his neck a sign that you had been caught. You stared into his eyes relentlessly, knowing he wouldn’t say anything about the moment. His eyes darting away proved you right as they latched onto the sleek black box in your hands.

You watched his hand move to scratch his tricep trying to figure out what the fuck a chef needed with all that muscle before you let your eyes trail down his arms in appreciation once more and allowed your gaze to land on the wrapped rectangular object in his hands.

A small smile lined your lips as the situation dawned on you before you found yourself laughing as you stared into Carmy’s eyes. “I came to give you this. Looks like you had the same idea.”

Carmy nodded slightly, lips turning up with his own smile, “Uh, come in.” His words sounded more like a question to you as you giggled before stepping around him into his bedroom, hoping this go round wouldn’t end like the earlier one.

Before you could speak another word, Carmy’s voice sounded from behind you, “I uh meant to check on you but…in the kitchen you uh y-you were crying and I…just is everything okay…with you I mean?”

You breathed a soft sigh through your nose, trying to ignore the lump that settled in your throat. Taking a deep breath, you sat the present on Carmy’s bed before turning to face him. “M’fine Carm, today was just a lot, you know, seeing you…dinner.” You shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant as you played with the cuffs of the crew neck you were wearing. “Anyway, I bought you something. You don’t have to open it right now. I just wanted to drop it off.” You pointed at the box, feeling awkward standing in Carmy’s room.

Carmy nodded, eyes falling onto the object before he forcefully held out the box in his hands. “This is for you.” His voice was louder than it needed to be as he spoke, causing you to giggle at his obvious nervousness before gently taking the wrapped box out of his hands, surprised by the weight of it. “Will you uh stay…s-so we can open each other’s presents, I mean.”

As tempted as you were to return to Mikey’s room and lock yourself away in isolation, you also couldn’t help the way you wanted so eagerly to be around Carmy. You nodded in answer, sending him a gentle smile, “Only if you open my gift first.”

Carmy softly laughed at your words before nodding and moving to pick up the black box and sitting where it once was. He gently patted the space next to him, wordlessly asking you to join his side. You carefully walked over his legs before sitting next to him and gently putting the present Carmy got for you behind your back on the bed.

You watched in nervous anticipation as he pulled the bow holding the top and bottom of the box together before he pulled the top off, setting the black silk from the bow inside the lid and handing it off to you, a small shy smile on his face as his eyes met yours. You couldn’t help the nervousness racing through you as he carefully peeled the sticker off the tissue paper hiding his gift.

Carmy was careful in his ministrations, almost as though he was too afraid that ripping the tissue paper would ruin the moment. You began bouncing your leg up and down, anxious at his reaction and trying to fight off the urge to explain what was going through your head when choosing the gift.

The pristine white jacket was finally uncovered, the sight of it causing Carmy’s hands to freeze midair. You didn’t dare glance at his face, too concerned that you made the wrong choice. Even without looking at him, you knew the minute his eyes latched onto his embroidered initials on the cuff of the chef’s jacket.

Carmy hesitated for a moment before his fingers touched the cursive CB; his fingers moved back and forth every so often as he allowed himself the moment to take in the thoughtful gift in front of him.

“Is it too much?” You couldn’t hold back any longer, his silence not doing you any favors. “I understand if you don’t like it or want it…I know we’re not friends, so maybe this is weird, but when Nat told me you’d be here for Christmas, I kind of freaked out and was like maybe I should buy him something, you know? I mean I k-know you like hate me and everything and I pretty much ruined your life bu-,”

Your voice trailed off at the hand that gently stopped your fingers from picking at your nail beds, forcing you to raise your head and focus on Carmy. Looking into Carmy’s eyes, you couldn’t help but feel so small under his intense gaze as he searched your face, trying to find something you were unaware of.

“Baby…I,” Carmy paused. he had five years to come up with the apology you deserved, but there were never enough words in the English language to excuse the way he spoke to you that night. That didn’t mean he was off the hook, and if he was honest, that in itself was an excuse for apologizing, but looking at you right now, he saw the toll his words had taken on you all these years later. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he let his eyes trace your features wanting to catalogue what you looked like in case he never got the chance to see you again, he couldn’t help but to hear your moms voice in his head as she explained to him that his newly discovered feelings were no excuse for his actions, a conversation he carried with him constantly. Carmy cleared his throat he wasn’t even sure if their was any point revealing the way he felt for you, did his feelings even matter anymore when it came to his proximity to you, he felt childish that even all these years later his fear of your rejection was what kept him from being honest with you.

He’d lost you once already, and as he sat there memorizing every part of the person you’d become, he couldn’t get himself to speak the words out loud for fear that whatever was left between the two of you would be lost forever.

Carmy cleared his throat, hoping the smile he was giving you wasn’t too forced. “This, uh…it means a lot to me, Baby. T-thank you.” And he meant every word, even if he wasn’t sure how best to articulate those feelings to you. He turned back to the present, unable to look at you any longer for fear he’d accidentally let all his feelings spill out and ruin the rocky ground the two of you seemed to be on.

The anxiety you felt in regards to the present seemed to melt off of you just a bit as you silently watched Carmy stare down at the pristine jacket, his fingers ghosted off the fabric once more. The sight of him seemingly mesmerized by the gift reminded you of Michelle’s words, prompting you to speak up. “Maybe…maybe you’ll find use for it in New York.”

You watched Carmy’s hand stop its movement, a part of you unsure if you should have brought up New York at all. “Yeah…maybe.” The definite tone in Carmy’s voice left no room for any further conversation, and you weren’t sure if it was because he’d already made up his mind or if you were just no longer important enough in his life to offer worthy advice.

“C’mon…open this.” Carmy held his wrapped gift out to you, and you let your eyes bounce between the festive gift wrap and then up to his face. The whole situation beginning to feel a bit odd to you.

You took the object from him, smiling in surprise at just how neatly the gift was wrapped, considering how awful his wrapping skills were when you were younger. The weight of it made you curious, and you couldn’t help the slight tingling of excitement that danced up your spine. You looked it over for a minute trying to figure out what it was, the two of you hadn’t been on speaking terms for so long you were worried you would have to pretend to like whatever he got you, not that you wouldn’t still appreciate it but it would be a reality check forcing you to realize on just how much you grew in your time apart.

Tearing through the wrapping paper, you slowed your frenzy as the surface of the gift came into view. You let out a quiet gasp as you reached out to trace the brush strokes, stopping mid-air as though the paint was still wet and you’d ruin the finish. Words couldn’t describe the scene you were looking down at, and it wasn’t because the English lexicon was inadequate but because you just found yourself speechless as you let your eyes trace every meticulous stroke of the brush, your fingertips following after. As your eyes and fingers moved across the scene, you realized you’d been correct in your assumption of who the artist was. Carmy’s signature sat hidden in the bottom corner of the painting, and the sight of it pulled a small genuine smile to your lips.

“Carm,” you paused, still trying to take the gift in. “This is incredible, thank you…gosh this must’ve taken you hours to complete.” You were so lost in your mesmerization of the artwork, that you had no time to take inventory of Carmy’s own mesmerized gaze, though it wasn’t at all focused on the scenic watercolor artwork that he poured every bit of his free time into, instead it was focused on something he found much more deserving of his attention.

You turning your head forced Carmy to blink at you rapidly, not enough time for him to pretend as though he hadn’t been staring at you this whole time. He looked at you blankly unaware that you said something when lost in his daze, he allowed his eyes to flicker down to your mouth as your smile grew a bit wider before you spoke up, “I said its beautiful Carm, but you couldn’t have been making this for me you didn’t even know I’d be here.”

Carmy tried not to be embarrassed that you were partially right in your observation, considering he’d only wrapped the item after seeing those pictures of you in the group chat. “I uh, after that night,” he paused, trying to pretend as though he hadn’t noticed the slightest downturn of your lips. “I-I went over to your house to see you…your mom answered the door and said you weren’t there but,” Carmy wasn’t sure if it was necessary to let you in on the heart to heart he’d had with your mother that day, so for now he would bypass it.

“She, uh, she gave me that old keepsake box you used to have, the one I, uh, made you in shop class.” Carmy couldn’t help but feel embarrassed admitting he kept a possession of yours even after all that shit he told you, “She said you wanted to throw it out…all the stuff in it too because…well because of me actually. Told me to hold on to it…that you’d miss it one day.” Carmy focused his gaze on the spot between your eyebrows unable to look you in the eye, “It started falling apart a couple years ago and so I-I put everything in a shoe box, but then I-I-I had time and so I uh built a new keepsake box a-and then a few months ago in Copenhagen I just I looked at my surroundings and everything was calm, peaceful I was content right? And so I uh I just fucking started painting and it became like my nightly routine until I-I finished it a-and then I put your stuff inside.”

Carmy finally gave in and allowed himself to stare directly into your eyes. A chill ran up his spine at the intensity of your gaze. He latched onto the slight sheen over your eyes, hoping he hadn’t made you upset with his actions.

“It's your birthday.” Carmy felt pathetic for how soft his voice sounded when he spoke. He watched as your brows furrowed in confusion, and he couldn’t help but find the expression adorable as he did his best to bite back a smile. He reached out, allowing his fingertips to unnecessarily graze the skin of your wrist where the sleeve of your crew neck was pushed up before his hand landed on the padlock style lock on the outside of the box, moving the digits to the date of your birthday. “The lock uh i-its your birthday.”

Carmy tried to calm his erratically beating heart, sure he’d force an anxiety attack if he didn’t calm himself down soon. He watched anxiously as you opened the lid and began to dig through the box, freezing as you let out a gasp. “Did you get all of these developed?” The tone of your question did nothing to quell his racing heart.

He nodded, taking a moment to get his breathing under control, “Y-yeah I,” he paused, unsure if he was prepared for your reaction. “Uh, every year for your birthday I would uh…get a roll developed.” Carmy’s hand quickly moved to wring the back of his neck, hoping to assuage some of his nervousness.

The photos in question were all taken throughout your and Carmy’s years of growing up together. You developed an obsession with photography after a school field trip to a museum and never looked back. You documented almost every moment you could think of with the help of disposable cameras. Your mom never able to spare enough for the Polaroid you wanted, so you settled for what you could get. Shuffling through the photos revealed hundreds of moments shared between you and Carmy, from random shots of Carmy standing in The Beef to birthdays and Christmases. All of it, all the memories you thought your mom got rid of at your request, were here. And Carmy had them the whole time despite telling you he no longer needed your friendship.

As you continued shuffling through the photos, you couldn’t help the few stray tears that escaped your eyes. It wasn’t just you and Carmy confined in time, but photos of your mom and the Berzatto clan that you’d completely forgotten existed. The joy these memories brought back for you was paramount in making you the person you are today. But as you picked up the next stack, you allowed a humorless chuckle to escape as much as you tried to forget that night it seemed to be etched into your memory, and now those memories were tangible, trapped in time. You stopped on a picture of you and Carmy, sure Fak took it considering how blurry it was the daylight made it obvious this was hours before everything between you and the youngest Berzatto went to shit, his arm was slung around your shoulder as the two of you looked at each other laughing about something.

It was your fault the two of you ended up at that house party, but you never found out what caused Carmy’s anger towards you.

A sharp ache raced through your chest as you continued shuffling through the pictures from that night before stopping; it was too much. All of this was too much, from you and Carmy not talking for the past five years to him being upset that you were ‘married’ and most of all, the fact that he’d kept these memories with him all this time and treated them with care.

“Why are you doing this, Carmy?” Your voice sounded so small to your ears and you didn’t want to fight with Carmy, but you couldn’t just sit there and pretend any longer with him, it hurt too much and you weren’t sure how much more of this farce you could take before it broke you like all those years ago.

You felt him flinch at your words where his leg pressed into yours before you turned to face him, hands gripping the photos. “I just…why are you doing this to me, Carmy? I don’t get it. One moment, we were best friends, then you’re telling me to leave you alone like I was just some stupid high school girl who spent her whole life hanging off of you a-and now this,” you gestured at the keepsake box in your lap filled with memories. “Why would you give me these things like we’re friends, knowing we’ll probably both return to our lives and continue pretending the other doesn't exist?"

“I,” Carmy paused, unsure of what to say to everything as he glanced back and forth between your eyes, hoping they’d be able to help him find his grip in this conversation.

“I’m sorry I ruined things with Claire, okay? I’m sorry about working at The Beef and for making you think I was trying to replace you or whatever. I didn’t even know I was doing any of that, Carmy." You turned to face Carmy as you felt your emotions overwhelm you.

“After you left, it was so hard for me, Carm and…I know you tried to reach out but…my mom just died, and it was like you just threw me away and then wanted me back all because it was convenient for you. And it’s not fair, Carm…this isn’t fair to me.” Your words were punctuated by you loosening your grip on the photos and letting them fall back into the box. "A person that doesn’t want to be friends or want you in their life doesn’t create a yearly tradition that aligns with your birthday, and they definitely don’t carry your memory in every new place they go."

The truth behind your words felt like a punch in the gut to Carmy, he sat there watching you break down because of him once again and not having any idea what to do, listening to the way his harsh words embedded themselves into you even after all this time. The two of you weren’t friends anymore, were barely even strangers, probably closer to not even remembering the other existed most days, and it was all because of him. If things were how they used to be, he wouldn’t feel hesitant to pull you into his arms and comfort you like he knew you needed.

He took a moment just to watch you feeling a bit masochistic as he reminded himself that if not for him, Christmas wouldn’t be ending with you in tears. Carmy did his best to be gentle as he reached for your hand that now held your head as you did your best to calm yourself down but he thought better of his decision before standing up to place both your presents in a safe spot, doing so gave him a bit of time to think of the best way to go about the situation.

Returning to the bed, he turned down the blankets before moving to kneel in front of you, his hands hesitantly rested upon the skin of your knees, hoping the circles he rubbed into your flesh did a good job at calming you. “Baby, hey…c’mo,n lets lay down, yeah?” Your silence unnerved him, he didn’t know what to expect. As much as he hated to admit it, he didn’t know you.

“Why did you do it, Carm?”

The sadness in your voice sent a stab of pain through Carmy’s chest, but it's what he deserved to see the consequences of his actions play out right in his face, to understand how words he regretted almost immediately stuck with you forever.

“Baby…I,” he paused, knowing if there was ever a time to confess his feelings, it certainly wasn’t in this moment when you were already so upset with him. “I-I can't…I just I-I don't know what you want me to say.”

Carmy watched the way your lips trembled, unable to move his gaze any higher, already knowing that tears were dripping down your face as your eyes continued to well with tears. The sound of you choking back a sob had Carmy rising to his feet before he was gently pulling you into the solidity of his torso and letting you soak his tank with the tears he caused. A heavy weight filled his chest as you so easily wrapped your arms around him, needing a certain comfort from the same man who constantly seemed to take you for granted. He moved his hand to the back of your neck, gently massaging the skin in hopes it was enough to get some of his regretfulness across.

An eternity seemed to pass as Carmy stood there lost in his head before realizing the noise from your crying had calmed down. He could feel your grip around him begin to slacken, followed by your breathing slowing. Carmy didn't want to inconvenience you more than he already had, but he at least wanted you to be comfortable while you slept.

Carefully, he moved his hand from the back of your neck before gently cupping your cheek and tilting your head up just a bit, watching as you blinked your eyes open. "C'mon, let's get you to bed." He felt selfish to feel relieved that you nodded along to his words without putting up a fight. He gently pulled you to your feet, a sad smile gracing his lips at just how reminiscent this moment was to the many the two of you shared growing up.

Leading you around the bed, he reached around you to turn down the covers before gesturing for you to get in. As you lay down, he hesitated before pulling the covers up to your chin while you yawned. He gave you one last look and a tight-lipped smile, then turned with every intention of going to sleep on the couch.

"Carm?" The ghost of your fingers brushing his stopped him in his tracks, surprising him before he turned to face you. "Can you stay, please…I don't wanna be alone."

Carmy watched as you pulled the covers off and moved over, welcoming him to join you. He felt uncertain about

He stood there awkwardly contemplating your request before obliging, and apprehensively easing himself into the bed trying his best not to lay too closely next to you and failing miserably in the cramped twin-sized bed. Carmy stiffly laid there flat on his back and awkwardly stared up at the ceiling. This bed had never been big enough for the two of you, but you always made it work, and now he wasn’t so sure if that approach would be welcomed.

The heat of your gaze burning into the side of his head made him feel self-conscious about being in this situation. Letting out a deep sigh, he carefully turned to face you, eyes instantly connecting with yours as he settled more comfortably into the position. You looked exactly as you always did when close to falling asleep, but your eyes were swollen from all the crying. Being in his childhood bed with you like this brought back a surge of memories within him, and before he could think twice about it, he was raising his arm to give you space to move closer, watching as you took the opportunity to scoot closer before pressing your face into his chest.

It was just like old times as Carmy's hand moved to stroke the back of your head. Except neither of you knew the other as deeply and personally as you once had. He found himself relaxing into you when he felt your hand move to wrap around his torso and you snuggle deeper into his chest.

Carmy listened to your breathing slow with each passing minute. The quiet of the room and the comfort your embrace brought finally gave him the moment of clarity he needed as he thought back through his every interaction with you during the day. He was far from prepared to see you after five years of no contact, but that didn't take away from the fact that being surrounded by your presence once more brought forth a serenity within him he was sure he hadn't felt since before that night. And now, as he lay here with you in his arms again after so long, he realized just how much of an idiot he was being. You deserved to know why he cut you out of his life so suddenly, even if that meant finally admitting the feelings that confused him for so long. As night turned into day, he concluded that having you in his life was more important than whatever fears of being rejected he had, and so with that final thought in mind, he allowed himself to doze off, holding you just a bit tighter just in case.

The spot in bed next to Carmy felt cold as he reached his arms out; instead of his fingertips meeting the smooth skin of your arm, he was met with the fabric of his bed sheets. It took him only a moment before his eyes were fluttering open, and he blinked the sleep out of them, only to realize that the bed was empty, and he was all alone.

A melancholy feeling settled in his chest as he let out an exhausted sigh and laid there just staring up at the ceiling, feeling more defeated than he had in a while. He sat up, looking around the room for any sign of you still being here, instead coming up empty, noticing the gift he got you was also missing.

Carmy stood up, running his hands through his hair as he gave the room one more once over before his eyes landed on a piece of paper atop the pillow on your side of the bed. He was hesitant to pick it up and read it, unsure if he could face whatever you'd written on the paper. On the one hand, he was happy to see you'd left something behind in the wake of leaving, but on the other, he didn't think he could handle whatever the note seemed to hold.

He was sure if he stared at it any longer the heat of his gaze would burn a hole through the damn thing. Minutes passed by as he contemplated what to do. Part of him wanted to know the contents of the note, and another part just wanted to ignore its existence. Not even a second later, he was walking around the bed and sitting on the side you once occupied before picking up the slip of paper and reading it.

Carm,

I wanted to thank you for the gift you gave me and also for saving all of my memories for all these years. My mom was right in giving them to you, and I appreciate how much you cared for them. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I didn't want to fight with you again. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I was happy to see you, Carm, and I wish things could have turned out differently for us. I wish we could have worked on mending whatever relationship we still have left but I can't keep going through life wondering what I did wrong, and maybe you have no reason for ending our friendship, or maybe you do and feel like I don't need to understand, whatever the reason I respect your decision Carmy and because of that I think it's best we continue to keep our distance from each other. I deserve more than the crumbs of half truths you are willing to give me. Frankly, I deserve an apology, and regardless of why we fell out, I deserve to be treated like my feelings matter, Carm, because they do. I know my worth, Carm, and whether you do or don't, it isn't for me to decide to make you see it. You hold a special place in my heart, Carmy, but I think it's well past time I stop allowing you to take me for granted.

I will always love and respect you, Carmy, but I think our relationship has run its course. I wish you nothing but the best, and I promise I'm always rooting for you, just from afar.

Baby

Carmy could feel the disappointment giving way to something deeper, branching off into anger and frustration. And it was all aimed towards himself he had five years to get his shit together where you were concerned and was offered every opportunity to right his wrongs and continuously chose not to.

If you thought it best to return to being strangers, then he would respect your decision even if he didn't agree with it.

As he moved to set the piece of paper back on his nightstand he caught sight of the small square images that had been hidden underneath the letter.

He brought forth two aged Polaroid pictures. The first, a group photo of the five of you - Mikey, Richie, Sug, You, and Carmy - all smooshed together in the photo. The date on Mikey’s hat reminded him exactly what the occasion was. The five of you were all huddled around The Beef’s booth, Mikey and Richie on the far left side arms thrown over the other, big smiles directed at the camera. Sug stood smiling in the middle hands placed on the cheap fold-out table in front of them. Carmy’s eyes drifted to the last two figures in the photo, the two of you taking up the right portion of the Polaroid.

There Carmy was sitting at the table relegated to manning the cash box because Mikey wouldn’t let him help with cooking. You were behind him, bending over to be at the same level as him, and your head sat comfortably next to his. Your arms were thrown around his shoulders, hanging off of him like a koala, your bright smile mesmerizing as it was directed at the camera. While you were looking at the camera, he was looking at you head slightly turned in your direction small shy smile directed your way as he focused on you.

Carmy’s thumb came up to gently caress the 15-year-old versions of the two of you trapped in the picture, the same small smile gracing his features as he remembered that day. He sat the photo in his lap before moving on to the next.

The second was just the two of you. Dressed in your finest garments for senior prom, standing on the lawn of the Berzatto home. He remembered that night, the night he took Claire to the prom and realized that no girl he took an interest in would compare to the way he felt for you. He focused on the old photo in his hand, feeling sorry for the two teens in the photo unaware that their friendship would never be the same after that night.

The more he looked down at the photo, the more he decided it was his favorite of the two of you and he appreciated the fact that you'd even left it behind for him.

You and Carmy stood side by side, neither of you paying any attention to the camera, your body turned slightly into his as your right hand rested right where his heart was. His arm settled around your waist, both of you staring at each other, the picture capturing the moment Carmy had finally admitted to himself that he wanted more than a friendship with you. Right before the picture had been taken Carmy had whispered about how beautiful he thought you looked, he remembered the look in your eyes as his compliment caught you off guard, the way your eyes quickly flashed to his lips as he gave you his small shy smile.

Carefully placing the photos back where he found them, Carmy rested his head in his hands, knowing he would regret not being honest with you, and he had no one to blame but himself and the way he constantly ruined any form of goodness between the two of you.

a/n: wow, i just love making these two suffer. realizing i may have foreshadowed a little too close to the moon in this chapter but ohhh well...hope you all enjoy this update and prepare yourselves because we're getting our first interlude rewrite chapter next update yay!!! love you all please take care of yourselves and my inbox is always open if you ever need anything. 🖤🫶🏼

[etherealising]

🐻: i would loveeee to see more of hs!barby or like just pre aiekoy barby 💟

so umm...hey girl 😅

please from the bottom of my heart forgive me for how late this is and take this as my formal apology for going missing.

just a little context this is a snippet from a carmy pov interlude i was writing before i started my rewrite and it takes place senior year on carmy's birthday. i recently rediscovered this piece and fell in love with it and just the aiekoy storyline all over again as a whole so i hope you like it. and even if you're no longer in your carmy berzatto era just know i appreciate this request and how it's reconnected me with this universe! 🫶🏼

warnings: non-descript wet dream | minimal editing

wc: 2.4k

you've been on my mind

The sound of quiet cursing rang around Carmy’s room, his ears slightly picking up on the noise as he peacefully slept, too deep into his dreams to be bothered by whatever was happening in the material world. He tossed, turning to lay on his stomach. Breathing deeply, a content sigh left him as a familiar scent spread through his senses, relaxing him even more into his sleep cycle.

“Carmy.” He groaned at the whispered word digging his face deeper into his pillow.

Silence returned before he felt pressure on his bare shoulder, something soft pressing into his skin as his body moved back and forth sluggishly. The calming scent of lavender mixed with a hint of vanilla overtook his senses, his thoughts quickly turned to you. Did you really spend so much time together that his room now smelled of you?

The smell seemed to grow stronger as he laid there, the pressure on his skin not letting up as his body moved once more, warm breath ghosting over the side of his face as another whisper of his name spread through his room convincing him that he was dreaming, a vision of you surfacing in his head as he slept now dreaming of you, something that seemed to happen more often than not these days.

Everything he was experiencing in that moment led him to thoughts of you. Your signature scent drowning his senses, the softness of whatever was pressing into the now warm skin of his back, the whispered plea of his name.

Carmy’s unconscious mind filled with images of you, continuing to warm his body at the montage of you swimming through his mind. From the way you graced him with that smile of yours and laughed at his stupid jokes, to the way you always complimented him and made him feel confident in himself.

The grip around his pillow tightened as his hips undulated into the firmness of his mattress the first time, a soft groan escaping and filling the quiet of his room. He found a rhythm after the second movement, eager pants leaving him with every second of pleasure the movements brought him.

He was stolen from the euphoria his dream gave him as the pillow was snatched from underneath his head. The object slammed against his body a few times, forcing him to his feet in a panicked stupor grabbing the stray bat off the side of his night stand as he turned to fight off whoever was in his room.

Carmy blinked in confusion, bat raised behind him as his eyes fought to adjust to the darkness in the room quickly switching on the lamp on his nightstand before resuming his defensive position. Surprised confusion washed over his face as he spotted you standing in front of his window in your pajamas with a backpack slung across your shoulders, pillow raised to strike once more if necessary.

He watched still dazed from sleep as your wide eyes met his before carefully sliding down his face and following the expanse of his naked chest, mouth falling open slightly as you took in his physique. As your eyes reached lower he watched them widened the slightest bit before immediately flashing back to his eyes.

“Oh my god Carmen, I’m so sorry.” Confusion swam through him as you tossed the pillow towards him hands flying to cover your eyes.

He stood there a moment longer sleep addled mind moving too slowly to understand your reaction eyes looking down to where the pillow landed only to finally realize the tent created by his boxers was fully illuminated.

“Fuck.” He tossed the bat down onto the bed before snatching up the pillow placing it over his groin the embarrassment he felt in that moment quickly calming whatever desire still coursed through him. Carmy cleared his throat free hand running across his face before he caught sight of the time on the digital clock on his nightstand.

“What? Baby, it’s,” he paused making sure he was reading the clock right. “It’s four in the fucking morning what the hell are you doing here?”

Carmy watched as your fingers spread a bit for you to peek through them before you dropped them fully and uncovered your face while looking everywhere but at Carmy directly. “Sorry…I couldn’t sleep I didn’t…” Your voice trailed off as Carmy followed the way you waved your hands in his direction the embarrassment clear on your face.

“How’d you get in here?” He decided pretending the last few minutes didn't just happen was his best bet as he took in your appearance, “Is that blood?”

His eyes stuck to the gentle way you held your hands to your chest finding spots of blood sporadically dotted onto your pajama shirt.“I tried climbing that wooden ladder we used to play with as kids,” you paused facing your hands in Carmy’s direction. “But it broke and then I remembered no one ever locks the back door.”

“You tried to climb through my fucking window?”

Carmy followed the path of your shoulders as they moved up and down in a shrug like it was no big deal you fell off a ladder because you were trying to scale the side of his house in the early morning hours. “It always worked in the movies.”

A stern look passed over Carmy’s face at your lack of self preservation skills in this moment. His hand moved to swipe across his face at all the information his barely awake brain was being forced to comprehend. “But I’ll see myself out and let you get back to whatever you were dreaming about."

Carmy’s head fell back as he groaned knowing you wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease him about something like this. “Oh god, shut up,” he threw the pillow he was using as a shield at your head, lips quirking up at your quiet giggles before he grabbed his pajama pants off the floor and slipped the flannel patterned fabric over his hips. He walked past you heading towards the bathroom listening as you sat your bag down before following after him.

He bent down to grab the first aid kit under the sink moving out of the way so you could situate yourself up there grimacing as he glanced at the small cuts decorating both of your hands. Carmy concentrated as he applied the disinfectant to the to your palms making sure he got each and every spot before determining you’d be fine with just ointment. He could feel your gaze burning into him as he worked on your hands, trying not to let your attention get to him. Carmy lifted his head to find your eyes a small shy smile lined his lips as he realized you were already smiling at him. He began moving to replace all the supplies into the first aid kit but a gentle tugging on his fingers stopped him.

“I think my knee needs to be looked at too Dr. Berzatto.” Carmy chuckled shaking his head back and forth at the seriousness in your voice before moving to kneel in front of you.

Eye level with the ripped fabric of your pajama pants and mangled skin of your knee, dirt and blood mixed together Carmy couldn’t help but to grimace at the gnarly sight of it unsure of if you needed stitches considering how bloody the split skin was. He gave quiet apologies each time you winced at the sting from the medicine, squeezing your calf to let you know he didn’t want to hurt you but also didn’t want you to develop an infection. Upon further inspection he realized you’d be fine the gash nowhere near deep enough to elicit stitches, though your knee would likely be stiff and sore for a good while. The bathroom remained quiet with the exception of your quiet winces as Carmy gingerly dabbed peroxide onto your knee, one of your hands fell to his shoulder squeezing at the discomfort.

Carmy took a deep breath after every squeeze of his shoulder, trying to ignore how soft your hand felt against his heated skin regardless of the sticky ointment now transferring from your skin to his. Feelings of guilt and disgust warred inside his mind as he recalled the position you caught him in, he’d dreamt of you plenty times before, but never in that context. Maybe it was the fact that you were actually in his room that caused such a reaction, but as he moved to spread ointment across your knee and wrap it in gauze, he couldn’t help but feel like a creep. Cheeks tinged pink with how disgusted you’d be with him if you knew the truth.

He moved back to sit on his haunches after finishing with your knee, looking over your legs in case there was another injury he hadn’t noticed, eyes trailing your arms as well. As he moved to get up from his squatted position the sound of you clearing your throat kept him frozen to his spot knowing exactly what you were expecting.

“You know the deal, pay up pretty boy.”

Carmy rolled his eyes ignoring the way the stupid pet name had his heart jumping in his chest. “We’re not five anymore Baby.”

He looked up from his position below you to find you already staring down at him, a pout lining your lips as you tried to get him with your best puppy dog eyes. Carmy wouldn’t ever admit it out loud to you, but you would never have to beg him to do anything for you, even if he did find it childish.

Carmy let out a purposefully loud sigh before gripping your calf once more and leaning in to place a delicate kiss into the gauze that now protected your knee, fighting to keep his face neutral as he watched your face light up with a wide dazzling smile at once again getting what you wanted.

Standing he exited the bathroom heading towards your designated drawer in his room, shuffling through the spare clothes you once housed in Sug’s room before she moved out, Carmy more than happy to allow them to live so close to his own. He returned to the bathroom moments later handing you the spare set of pajamas before leaving you to change.

Carmy moved around his room straightening his bed sheets out then moving to find a decently clean shirt to slip on. He sat on the edge of his bed as he waited for you, lost to his own mind as he tried to figure out exactly what was going on with him. For all the years the two of you had been friends he’d never once thought of you in such a physical way that made him feel guilty. He couldn’t deny that you were his first ever crush though, you were the first girl he ever had a genuine connection with, the first girl that gave him attention and never found his lack of apt social skills weird. Carmy couldn’t remember when the crush developed but it was like all the years and little things between the two of you began to add up, but none of that mattered because you were his best friend and you always would be, nothing more, nothing less. He was almost positive his childhood crush on you died as the two of you continued growing up.

The subtle shift of his bed dipping brought him out of his head, he listened as he heard you rummage around in your bag for something. Carmy wasn’t stupid he knew you weren’t just here because you couldn’t sleep, there was something else bothering you, but he wouldn’t force anything out of you until you decided you were ready to talk.

“What time is it?” Carmy’s head tilted up reading the clock on his nightstand wishing he were asleep right now.

He watched the clock for a moment before responding, “4:27.” He listened as you mumbled something under your breath before resuming rummaging through your bag.

The sound of a lighter flickering a few times had him turning to face you, your body blocked whatever you were doing as he watched your head turn in his direction looking off to the side of him before a smile graced your lips and you picked up whatever it was that you were hiding.

Carmy watched in confusion as you turned around a small plastic circular tray in your hand filled with something that held a singular candle. The bright smile on your face was contagious as Carmy smiled though he had zero idea what for.

“It’s 4:28 Carmy, make a wish.” He looked between you and what he realized to be a large smushed slice of cake, “I promise it looked more appetizing before it broke my fall.”

He let out a quiet laugh looking up at you once more, “I’m not sure what to wish for.” His words were earnest as he spoke them, not at all prepared for the early morning impromptu birthday celebrations.

Carmy followed the movement of your shoulders as they moved up and down gentle smile now decorating your face, “C’mon Carm, there has to be something you want.”

One thought came to mind at your words, a thought he’d been struggling to come to terms with for most of his life. No matter how many times he denied Mikey’s teasing words and accusations he couldn’t keep lying to himself, what he once believed to be a silly childhood crush on his best friend had only festered for all these years and grown into something more. And what scared him most was he didn’t even know what ‘more’ was, at some point the adoration he held for you as a person, a friend blossomed into what he felt in that moment as he gazed upon your smiling face. Carmy couldn’t be sure when things began changing for him, couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment in time when he began to look at you through a new lens, couldn’t decipher if this was even a new lens at all or had he finally just wiped the bullshit out of his eyes. As he sat there thinking about something to wish for he realized the what he would always want most in life was right it front of him; it always was.

Carmy held your gaze eyes drinking in the way the flame's shadow danced across your face before he blew out the candle enjoying this moment between the two of you for what it was.

“Happy birthday Bear.” The soft timber of your voice danced through Carmy’s ears somehow finding its way to his heart causing the overactive organ to beat just a bit faster.

[etherealising]

okay life update: idk if you remember that guy that i was like crying over like forever ago? anyway, FUCK HIM NO LONGER LIKE HIM i found a new mans. its just a little crush right now, but hes so sweet. i got sick over the weekend and we (with a few of my friends) were planning on playing vb, and i had to cancel on him and he was like "oh no, can i bring you anything?" and he just kept offering to bring me whatever i needed, like bitch i almost folded right then and there. anyway, a little about him: he's a year older (senior in uni, im a junior), bio pre-med (wow im in love), tall, curly hair, checks off a bunch of my boxes anyway, enough about me, i NEED a life update from you babes!!! - a <3 anon who has missed you very very very much

stop cause why am i over here giggling and kicking my feet FOR YOU!!!

also FUCK OLE BOY!!!

ANYWAYS!!! this is so cute i'm cheesing so hard writing this right now because i love this for you (not that you got sick) but that you have a new crush AND the fact that he was trynna take care of you?!?!? OH MY GOSH (its like the bare minimum but you're not dating yet so i still think its a big deal!) and i most definitely would have folded so you're stronger than me bestie!!

ALL THE BOXES GIRLYY??? SIRI PLAY 'CHECK' BY FLO!!!!

honestly though this is so cute and you seem genuinely happy and excited by this and that makes me happy and excited for you and now i'm expecting weekly updates bestie b/c i am invested!!!! 🤍

sadly i don't think my life update is as exciting as yours : (

i've literally just been m.i.a. cause of work 😭 and because of my shift i never have time for anything like please universe i just wanna write my fanfic!!!

no but i'm seriously grateful to have a secure job considering the state of the world right now...but i def need a break from the world which is such a privileged take i know but i work in the news so i cannot escape THIS HELLSCAPE AHHHH!

AND TO TOP IT OFF THE ONLY FULL DAY I GET OFF IS SATURDAY BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP BY 1 TO GET DECENT SLEEP FOR MY SHIFT ON SUNDAY AT 11 AND THEN PRODUCE A NEWSCAST IN 5 HOURS!!!

MY LIFE HAS GENUINELY BEEN SLEEP WORK SLEEP WORK AND NO FREE TIME...BESTIE I AM GOING THROUGH IT.

I FEAR I HAVE GIRLBOSSED WAY TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN AND MY LACK OF TIME MANAGEMENT IS EATING ME UP 🥲

but anyway i missed you and our talks! so sorry for this rant my love but thank you for indulging me 😅🤍🫶🏼

[etherealising]

I said I’d wait an eternity for another fic, so 2 months of absence doesn’t feel all that bad. Welcome back🤍🤍 How are you?

i could never make you wait that long bestie (ngl it did feel like an eternity).

so glad to hear people are still tuned in to my brain rot that i share with you all.

glad to be back my love hoping to get a lot more fics out this year! 🤍

[etherealising]

also so random but while i was gone i ate the fuck up out of that little gay vampire show. and i'm not saying i'm gonna write for it but i also need both louis & lestat in a way that is concerning to my mental health.

[etherealising]

Obsessed with your Nathan Scott fic. You did what no one else could (literally, there’s absolutely no one writing about him). I hope to read more of his fics from you but for now I just hope you’re doing well with whatever you have going on in your life. Thank you for your amazing writing, take care!

oh my goodness i'm happy to hear you enjoyed it!!! but you're honestly so right, it's criminal that there are little to no fics for him, heartbreaking actually.

gonna let you in on a little secret bestie, that request spawned a whole fic idea that i have yet to flesh out but will for sure be working on.

thank you for reading my work it genuinely means a lot to me and getting messages like this inspires me to keep writing and i love being able to make you all happy!

hoping to get more fics out this year so stay tuned love!! 🫶🏼🤍

[etherealising]

WE ARE SO BACK BESTIE (frfr this time i swear 😅) what's a berzatto family dinner without a little bit of chaos and angst. bestie when i tell you you're not ready for this rewrite i promise i am not lying...all i gotta say is BUCKLE UP!

three | dinner with the berzattos

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

summary: you do your best to make the most of the holiday, but instead find carmy is the topic of your conversations. and being under the same roof as him does nothing to help...oh well at least it's almost time for dinner, what more could go wrong?

warning(s): angst | fluff | pining | semi-unrequited love | minimally edited

wc: 6.8k

housekeeping: wowza long time no see! so sorry for just disappearing it was definitely not in my plans but here we are. firstly thank you everyone for sticking by me through all the back and forth of me being gone and randomly coming back. also updates will continue to be sporadic i want to try and post a chapter at least once or twice a month, so this way i can get a backlog going. other than that enjoy this update 🫶🏼

The sound of laughter could be heard through the door of Donna’s bedroom. The two women occupying it caught up with each other like no time passed at all. You were lying on the end of Donna’s bed, elbow propped up so your hand could hold your head up. Tiff was in front of you sitting up slightly from you adjusting her pillows when you first appeared in the room.

“Wait so Richie blew up your mom’s microwave?” The words came out between the laughs that wracked Tiffany’s body. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she listened to your account of the story.

You sat up rapidly head nodding to confirm Tiff’s question, “Exactly, Mikey volunteered to pick my mom and me up from her chemo appointment, and Richie bless his soul was trying to make dinner for us.” You paused as you couldn’t stop giggling at the memory, “He couldn’t find any plates, so he put fucking foil in the microwave, and by the time we got home the house was full of smoke and there were scorch marks on the wall.” You couldn’t help but to lean over clenching your stomach at the belly-aching laugh the memory induced. Tiff doing no better, hand gently cradling her bump as she tried to catch her breath.

Finally getting enough air into her lungs Tiff spoke up, “Wha-What did your mom do?” She searched your eyes waiting to hear your explanation.

Your laughter finally settled down allowing you to finish your story, “Absolutely nothing! My mom was so sweet on Richie he could’ve burnt the house down and she would’ve thanked him for it!” The laughter in the room took over once again as the two of you imagined how much your mom’s little crush inflated Richie’s ego.

The two of you finally calmed down sitting in the ambience that a memory from your younger years left behind. Tiff did her best to sit up, careful not to move too quickly in case it induced a bout of nausea. Her hands reached out gently clasping yours in her embrace, “I’m sorry she couldn’t be here with us today.” The slight squeeze she sent you helped convey the raw emotion she felt, the small sad smile gracing her lips also doing its best to comfort you.

You nodded, sending a small smile her way, eyes quickly leaving hers to dart around the room, not comfortable enough to see the earnestness in her blue eyes. You cleared your throat trying to ground yourself, “You expect it to get easier, but it always hits the hardest around the holidays especially when I’m not spending it with all of you.” You let out a pathetic little laugh doing your best to not let the gloomy feeling settle over the room.

You squeezed Tiff’s hands back finally finding her eyes again, “Speaking of, I took up one of her traditions and I made something for you, well the baby.” You watched as Tiff let out a quiet gasp, she’d met your mom a handful of times when she and Richie first began dating and the two always bonded over all of the things your mom used to sew and crochet before it became too much for her ailing health. You recalled how she fell in love with the baby blanket your mom made for you when she was pregnant, wishing her relationship with her mom brought forth such love.

Before you could get up to retrieve the present from the car, the bedroom door opened as Hayden let himself into the room. “Well, aren’t you two just a pair of cute gossipers?”

His demeanor made you frown, his posture was more relaxed, words almost slow as he spoke them, and a dopey grin lined his lips as he looked between you and Tiff.

“Are you high?” Your voice was incredulous as you watched Hayden cover his giggles behind his hand, the idea of Hayden being high wasn’t something new to you, he introduced you to recreational drugs in the first place. But seeing him high on Christmas made you realize just how severely he was taking the break-up with Sasha and maybe you were a bad friend because you’d been so cut up about reuniting with Carmy that you hadn’t stopped to think about the facade he was putting on.

Tiff patted the space between the two of you inviting Hayden to join you. Hayden happily clapped his hands together before moving towards the bed, he walked around the foot of the bed and crawled atop it before resting his head in your lap, his mop of hair tickling your legs as his body took up most of the space left.

“Awe, what’s got you so mopey Hay Hay.” Hayden let out a giggle as Tiff used the nickname he randomly earned senior year of high school.

Hayden took a while before answering, something you were all too familiar with when it came to an intoxicated Hayden. He let out a dramatic sigh before beginning to trace patterns into the duvet. “Sasha’s leaving me…but it’s okay I have a new wife already lined up!”

His hand reached up to poke you on the forehead, and the force of it sent your head backward, Tiff gave you a confused look prompting an explanation, and now that you knew who exactly Carmy assumed you were married to you could give a full explanation. “Richie told Carmy Hayden and I were married,” her mouth fell open in a gasp as she nodded “Sounds like Hayden was in on it though.” Your voice held an undertone of annoyance earning a quiet ‘whoopsie’ from the man-child in your lap.

“Wait and he believed him?”

Tiff’s question need only be answered with a single look alone, “He tried to use it as some bullshit excuse against our friendship. Like what the fuck does being married have to do with the two of us trying to be friends again?”

It was almost unnoticeable but you quickly caught on to the look Hayden and Tiff shared between themselves followed by Hayden's giggle letting you know you weren’t in on their secret. “No, what the hell was that?”

“What was what?” Tiff’s words were uttered around the saltine she began chewing on as she tried to avoid the way your eyes narrowed in on her. “Pregnancy brain?”

“You’re pregnant, not stupid.”

Hayden’s guffaw of a laugh surprised you as his body shook atop yours causing you to shake right along with him. “Oh you naive, silly, stupid little girl,” Hayden took his time sitting up somehow maneuvering his tall frame into criss-cross applesauce in the small space atop the bed, you had no time to object before his hands engulfed both sides of your face and he pressed his forehead against yours. “The kids been in love with you our whole lives, my sweet summer child.”

You scoffed shoving the man off of you as Tiff’s giggles mixed with Hayden’s hysterical laughter filled the room, the man had plopped back onto the bed in a raucous fashion, at least Tiff was trying to hide her amusement.

“One adjective would’ve worked just fine Hayden,” you tossed one of the pillows that fell to the floor at his head, only encouraging his laughter. A huff of annoyance left you as you watched the two adults look at each other conspiratorially once more before deciding to call it quits.

You listened as Tiff tried to get an apology out over Hayden’s laughter as you shook your head trying to keep a strong front but slowly failing. “I’m gonna go get your present…keep an eye on him I guess, please.”

Tiff nodded, waving you off before she spoke in Hayden’s direction, the last thing you heard was your name before shutting the door once more.

You made your way downstairs, laughter and loud voices came from the direction of the living room. Walking to the closet where you knew Carmy put your tote bag you quickly grabbed your keys and debated slipping your coat on before ultimately deciding it wouldn’t be necessary. You could hear Mikey’s voice as you made your way out the door, he and Richie recounting one of their many tales. You quickly slipped through the door making sure it closed behind you to not let any cold air in.

Rushing to your rental you popped the trunk reaching for the Christmas-themed gift bag. You reached up to shut your trunk wanting to hurry and get back inside when your eyes landed on the matte black box sitting there. A matching black bow atop it, the white ink that spelled out Carmy’s name glared back at you.

You let go of the trunk letting out an exasperated sigh. You hadn’t planned on buying him anything, but in the weeks leading up to your flight, you let your anxiety guide you after Nat dropped the bomb that Carmy would be home for Christmas and spent hours scouring the internet for something he might like. Against your better judgment, you closed the trunk, you’d give it to Mikey or Nat to hand off to him, you weren’t in any mood to pretend things between the two of you were okay. The sound of another car door closing caught your attention, Pete made his way towards you from across the street letting you glimpse at the Christmas lights on your childhood home, his hand went up in a little wave to greet you. You smiled, raising your hand holding the car keys to return his greeting.

Deciding to wait for him so you could walk in together, your eyes took in the aluminum tray grasped in his hands, “Oh shit.” The expletive left your lips as Pete finally took his place by your side, his goofy grin drew your gaze, and he balanced the tray in one hand to give you a side hug that you willingly leaned into. “Baby! I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!” You snorted at his lame joke considering you were boarding at his house. The two of you began your trek up the sidewalk.

“Oh Pete, your dad jokes never get old, but what’s in the tray?” You nodded your head at the silver rectangle in his hands.

Pete followed your vision before smiling back at you “Tuna casserole! Couldn’t come empty-handed you know.” Pete’s happy-go-lucky energy brought a small smile to your face, and the two of you stopped before entering the house. You turned to him, giving him a serious look before you reached out to gently squeeze his bicep.

“Oh you poor kind soul, they’re gonna fuck you up in there.” The words caused Pete’s smile to falter as you sent him one of your own before walking through the door and holding it open for Pete behind you. As you both walked through the front entrance you caught the tail end of what sounded like a hostile conversation, Pete helping to steal the show by making his presence known. You had half the mind to leave Pete to defend himself, but a part of you would’ve felt bad for letting someone as sweet as Pete take the heat alone. You walked around him sitting on the arm of the chair Mikey was sitting in, his arm moved to wrap around your waist unconsciously.

“You know it’s seven fishes, right Pete?” Mikey’s question drew the rest of the room's attention to the tray Pete was still happily holding. The room burst with voices as almost everyone took turns berating him. You leaned back slightly so you weren’t blocking Mikey’s view before turning your head in Richie’s direction hoping to gain his attention.

You reached behind Mikey’s back to pinch Richie’s arm his eyebrows shooting up an offended look on his features as his head turned to you, “What the fuck was that for Baby? Pete’s the one with the eighth fish.”

You rolled your eyes, palm swatting against the back of his neck, “That’s for letting Carmy think I was married…and to Hayden of all people.” Richie had the decency to look sheepish as he gave you an apologetic smile.

“I mean it was funny at that moment.” He raised his hands in surrender as you reached out to pinch him once more.

A small smile pulled at your lips as you maneuvered the gift bag around Mikey’s imposing body before handing it off to Richie, “Merry Christmas Richie, it's for you and Tiff so don’t open it without her,” You scolded, raising your eyebrows to further cement your message. “I know Mom would’ve done the same if she was still here.” You gave him the warmest smile you could muster.

He gently grabbed the gift bag out of your hand, a slight nod sent in your direction as he gave your hand a comforting squeeze. “Thank you, Baby, means a lot.” You smiled back quickly, turning back to the conversation, not wanting to get caught up in any more unwanted emotions.

Carmy’s voice suddenly broke through the onslaught of shit Pete was being subjected to, “Hey, family. Come on, let’s sit. Okay, dinner’s ready, alright.” Your eyes connected with his baby blues before you quickly looked away playing with Mikey’s fingers as they rested atop your thigh, leaning down when the older man began to whisper in your ear. Missing the way Carmy frowned at the glaringly obvious lack of ring on your finger.

Carmy did his best not to let the sight bother him, it wasn’t any of his business whether or not you wore your ring. Mikey gave him some cryptic ass advice in the pantry earlier about you, that he shouldn’t blindly trust everything he heard and instead should ask you himself, something Carmy tried and failed at doing once already today. The longer he stared at you he couldn’t help but wonder why you and Mikey were so touchy and where the hell was Hayden.

You hadn’t noticed Carmy’s eyes glued to you as you exchanged hushed whispers with Mikey, “Any chance on you and that idiot kissing and making up by the end of Christmas dinner?” Mikey’s words caressed your ears as he allowed you to distract yourself with his fingers.

A small shrug was your only response as you took a moment to gather your thoughts, “I want to Mikey, I do but now that I’ve seen him after all this time, I don’t think I can take just being friends with him anymore.”

Mikey’s quiet sigh rang through your ears as his other hand came to trap yours between his palms and give it a firm squeeze, “Baby.”

He had that tone in his voice again, like he was trying to get something through to you but you were just too stubborn to hear it, or worse you didn’t want to hear it. “Please don’t Mikey…it doesn’t mean anything when its not actually coming from the one person I want to hear it from.” You decided not to tack on the part about the feelings not being reciprocated because you knew it would annoy Mikey.

“I won’t force you to say anything tonight, but you gotta get this over with at some point.” Mikey gave your hand one last squeeze, “Plus m'not into all of that sappy shit but I’m rooting for you fuckin’ idiots.” Mikey let go of your hand before gently knocking his fist against your chin sending a wink your way and earning your quiet giggle.

“Yo Baby, Baby.” Your head shot up, eyes locking on Carmy’s as he called for your attention, “What is that? What the fuck is Pete holding?” You quickly looked at Pete feeling bad that he was on trial before finding Carmy’s eyes again, a small smile spread your lips as you sent a shrug in his direction, not wanting to be the one to rat Pete’s good intentions out.

Carmy nodded, lips pursing as he wiped his hands down his face and turned his attention to Stevie knowing he’d give him a straight answer, “You’re gonna be upset, but his heart was in the right place, Carm…It’s a tuna casserole.” The slight flush you could see creeping up Carmy’s neck indicated the toll this mishap was taking on him.

You leaned into Mikey more, settling into a more comfortable position as you drowned out the rest of Pete’s trial. You were ready for the day to be over and you hadn’t even eaten dinner yet, you could feel your eyes slowly drifting shut as Mikey’s warm body pressed into your side, each rise and fall of his broad chest pulling you into the purgatory before sleep and consciousness.

The sound of Nat’s voice jumping onto the tuna casserole bandwagon roused you from the little peacefulness you were beginning to find, she'd been so dead set on keeping her mom in check you'd only caught glimpses of her throughout the day. You watched with drowsy eyes as she snatched the dish from Pete’s hands presumably disposing of it, you softly gave Mikey’s thigh a pat before removing yourself from your seat with the intention of retrieving your fake husband and Tiff.

You stopped at the threshold of the door sending Pete a small smile, “If it makes you feel better Donna threatened to beat my mom’s ass when we showed up with collard greens and baked Mac n cheese our first Christmas here.” You gave a soft pat to his elbow hoping the anecdote helped him feel a little better.

As you moved to walk up the stairs you stopped to return the car keys to your tote bag.

Carmy stopped in the doorway of the kitchen as he found you standing in the hallway, he had half a mind to hide out in the kitchen until you left but knew he’d probably get shit from his mom about it.

He cleared his throat, gaining your attention as he took a few steps forward to lessen the distance between you. His hand raised to scratch the back of his neck, eyes not meeting yours as he prepared himself to interact with you, “Ahem, I uh I overheard what you said to Pete. I-I never got to say it in person but I uh, I’m sorry about your mom.”

You stared at Carmen surprised by the sincerity in his words as though your mom had passed recently, you gave him a small smile trying to dispel the sadness that began to swell up in you, “It's not like you killed her Carm, that's why they call it a terminal illness.”

Carmy’s eyebrows pinched together at your poor attempt at being humorous before he began picking at the loose thread on the sleeve of his sweater. “Did you uh get the flowers and t-the card?”

A small smile lined your lips as you thought back to the gesture before you nodded at him letting him know you received his condolences years ago.

“I uh I tried coming home b-but uh...Mikey fought me on it.”

You nodded as Carmy met your gaze, “I know Carm, I asked him not to let you,” you watched as he opened his mouth to protest. “You’d already gotten out, Carm, I couldn’t bring you back here…you know my mom was really proud of you though, right?” You smiled as his eyebrows raised in surprise at your question, your hand shot out before you thought better of it to grasp his and stop him fiddling with the thread.

A quiet sigh escaped him as your skin made contact with his, Carmy’s hand flexed against your palm letting his fingers gently press against yours as he fought off the urge to lace them together.

“I wanted you there Carm I did, but I was hurt and I didn’t know if I could grieve my mom with you by my side knowing how you felt about me.” Your hand dropped from where it delicately touched him as you sent him a small sad smile.

“Baby I-,”

You cut him off, not in the right mindset to get into whatever he was offering, you took a step back to the staircase creating distance between the two of you. “M’gonna get Tiff and Hayden for dinner, I’ll see you in there.”

Carmen was left alone at the bottom of the staircase, eyes still glued to where you stood just a moment ago. He closed his eyes trying to get a deep breath into his lungs. Carmy was trying to understand how he had ever deserved to have you in his life, he was a grade-A fucking asshole to you, and you were still nothing but kind to him. There were so many things Carmy wished he could do over when it came to you but life seemed to be leading the two of you in opposite directions and he wasn’t sure he’d ever get the chance to redeem himself.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can call you a cab if you want.” You stood at the top of the staircase huddled against the wall with Hayden. Tiff exited the room ahead of Hayden and kindly let you know that they’d got to talking about Hayden’s pending divorce and that whatever high he was cruising on had taken a drastic turn as the sadness he was trying so hard to hide surfaced.

As you looked at him you could tell he wasn’t doing well, and whether he was having a bad trip or the emotions of his situation were finally beginning to hit him you couldn’t be sure. You reached out for his hand gripping it in yours and giving it a squeeze letting him know you were there for him.

His silence gave you a moment to think. It was surprising how far your relationship had come, the two of you having only met senior year of high school and bonded over your love for literature. Neither of you thought the friendship would blossom into what it was now, but after your falling out with Carmy, in a way, he filled the other man’s spot. Even after everything Carmy put you through you would always consider him your best friend but Hayden was a close second, having helped you during one of the roughest years of your life after your moms passing, he was your rock and you loved him for that. The least you could do now was return the favor and be there for him as much as you could.

Hayden’s hand squeezing yours brought you back to reality as your eyes landed on his face, a small forced smile already waiting. “You worry about me too much.”

You rolled your eyes, raising your eyebrows and imploring an actual answer out of him. He pulled you into a hug resting his chin atop your head, “We sure know how to pick 'em’ don’t we?”

A quiet laugh sounded from you at his words, the noise earned a chuckle from the man pressed against you. “Let’s just enjoy Christmas dinner, yeah.” You felt Hayden’s head move up and down in a nod before he released you and motioned for you to walk down the stairs ahead of him.

By the time you made it to the dining room everyone was seated and the only empty seats were directly across from Carmy so it wasn’t like you had any other choice but to dine with him in your eyeline. You walked in slowly at the commotion as Hayden moved to sit down, your eyes locked with Carmy’s at the same time something aggressively hit your thigh, causing you to wince.

A chorus of “Michael” reverberated around the dining room. You looked down at the sound of metal clanging against metal, one fork was next to your foot another a little ways in front of it. Bending down you scooped the two forks up in your hand. You looked around the table even more confused than you already were eyes darting to Mikey as he threw his arms open in greeting, “Baby! Nice of you and Hayden to join us, mind doing me a favor and handing me those forks?” Your eyes flashed to the forks in your hand before taking in everyone’s expressions around the table.

You had no clue what you walked into. You looked in Carmy and Nat’s direction, the two of them subtly shaking their heads, Hayden turned in his chair before shrugging his shoulders at you just as clueless as you were. Your eyes found Mikey’s once again a little unnerved by the look in his eyes, “They were just on the floor so I’ll just go wash them off real quick-.”

The sound of palms slamming against the table cut off your explanation causing you to flinch where you stood, eyes still glued to Mikey, “Sorry Baby, I’m sorry,” his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Just hand me the forks alright, don't needa wash ‘em off,” You gulped, nodding slowly as you took a few steps in Mikey’s direction. He carefully took them from your grip, and a mocking smile pulled at his lips.

You gave him a small nod quickly retreating to your seat. Quietly thanking Hayden as he helped you to shuffle your chair in. All was silent for a moment as everyone looked at each other, you doing everything in your power to avoid anyone’s eyes. A quiet laugh broke the silence.

“Of fucking course.”

Mikey’s eyes snapped back to Lee's zeroing in on the older man, “What did you just say?” The question sounded more like a demand to your ears.

Lee laughed again shrugging his shoulders and turning his head to glare at Mikey, “I said of course she’s gonna fucking do what you say the girl has no fucking backbone.”

An echo of “Lee,” and “What the fuck,” could be heard from both Richie and Cicero, one trying to diffuse the situation, the other not settling for the unwarranted disrespect thrown at you. Your head shot up a frown decorating your features as your eyes locked on Carmy’s, he shook his head in a silent plea for you to ignore it and not further feed into the chaos.

You ignored Carmy turning in your chair to face the geriatric old man, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean Lee?” Hayden’s fingers began drumming against the table. His stiff posture let you know he was ready for whatever was about to happen after noticing your irritation.

Lee faced you with a sardonic smile pressing into his lips “Is somebody gonna tell her? Do I have to tell her?” He looked around the table looking for anyone to take the reins from him, “I’m sorry that nobody's honest with you sweetheart, but you’re just a glorified lap dog.” He shrugged his shoulders as if in apology, “Just a bitch he keeps on a leash.”

Your mouth opened a little bit confused as to how this conversation became a personal attack on you.

The sound of Hayden kissing his teeth silenced whatever rebuttal you had planned. “Watch the way you fucking talk to her.” The calmness of his voice let you know he had the situation handled, not even looking at the older man as he addressed him.

Nat’s quiet call of your name pulled your attention to her. Her eyebrows sat high on her head as she implored you to do something about your guest with one look. You gave her a small nod before turning to try and stop Hayden, ignoring the way Carmy’s eyes followed your every move.

“Oh and you’re her lap dog then I guess!”

Hayden’s humorless chuckle punctuated the air, no one dared to speak, you were surprised to find both Mikey and Richie silent in the moment. “Listen, Lee. I don’t particularly fucking like you, but you’re lucky I respect Ms. Berzatto enough to not ruin the Christmas dinner she prepared for all of us. Now if I gotta beat your ass after dinner, fine by me but whatever animosity you got towards anyone at this table you leave Baby the fuck outta it.”

Lee’s irritated scoff was the only response given as a tense silence fell over the dinner table. Hayden’s hand gave your elbow a squeeze letting you know he was always in your corner.

You felt something hit your foot under the table gaining your attention. You turned to Nat who was keeping an eye on Mikey too worried about him popping off again to be paying attention to you. You felt the nudge again, eyes finding Carmen's, his eyebrows raised in a silent question, eyes searching your face to catch any remaining emotions, you smoothed out the frown on your face sending him a small nod to let him know you were fine.

The two of you were drawn back to the argument before you as the two men began berating each other again, voices growing louder by the second thankfully your name hadn’t come up again. You watched Mikey’s face lose any sort of emotion as Lee accused him of being medicated as your eyebrows drew into a frown confusion raced through you at the accusation. You felt your heart squeeze in your chest at Mikey’s reaction the sudden thought that the older man’s words had any truth to them felt like a betrayal to the man you considered a brother.

The table remained silent; the only sound filling the room was the ticking of a clock in the background, everyone did their best to not cause any reasons to incite more violence. The anxiety caused you to bounce your leg up and down unsure as to where the rest of this night was going, Hayden completely zoned out so even though he was right next to you, you felt alone unsure of what to do with yourself. You felt a foot gently tap the toe of your shoe, something Carmy used to do whenever you needed reassurance that everything would be okay and other forms of physical contact were impossible. His feet spread apart so you could reach across and slip your feet between his like a security blanket, a piece of protection you never realized you wanted until it was offered.

You turned your head, watching as Mikey pawned Pete’s fork from its set place, an uproar going around the table pleading with Mikey. You sat there silently watching the scene, if ten other people hadn’t already gotten through to Mikey, you were sure an eleventh voice joining the mix would be completely useless at this point.

Natalie’s voice cut through the chaos attention zeroed in on Mikey, “Michael. Please don’t do this.” You watched as Mikey focused his attention on his little sister, “I love you.” It was her final plea as Mikey seemed to be weighing his options. The discourse between the two continued as everybody watched with bated breath waiting to see what the next move would be.

Steve’s unwarranted giggle broke Michael’s focus, his rush of apologies being brushed off by Mikey all in the name of fun. Cicero decided he might be the one to finally get through to Mikey playing his hand as mediator. You watched Mikey’s erratic behavior in silence, you weren’t usually privy to this side of Mikey, never being in town long enough to experience it in person, always being told about them on phone calls with Nat. It scared you, and it wasn’t necessarily Mikey that was scaring you but knowing that his switch could be flipped in such a timely manner that had you worrying about his safety.

The argument was nowhere near resolved as Lee’s constant instigating kept fueling the fire. Mikey’s sudden movement to stand up caused your heart to race, you honestly couldn’t give two shits about Lee’s well-being, your only concern was Mikey and what was going through his head at that moment.

You held your head in your hands that were propped up on the table by your elbows, the impending headache beginning to make an appearance. The animal noises coming from Mikey’s direction do nothing to ease the ache behind your eyes. You did your best to drown out the two men.

The clapping around the table drew your head up as Donna danced into the dining room, you felt so exhausted you couldn’t even muster up a fake smile to appease her. “What did I miss?” Donna laughed as she made her way to her seat, a quiet “nothing” being her answer. “I missed something,” she said while sitting in her designated spot.

Donna’s eyes landed on Hayden as she let out another laugh “Jesus you look fucking miserable Hayden. I missed something.” You felt Hayden sit up in his chair as his elbow bumped into yours watching as he forced his lips into a pathetic smile, his hand absentmindedly playing with the fork that was sitting on the placemat.

“Not much Misses. B, just defending my wife’s honor from that cunt Lee.”

You rolled your eyes as the man threw his arm around you before leaning in to press a dramatic wet kiss into your temple, your hand quickly shot up to wipe the leftover evidence on your sleeve. A quiet wince escaped your lips as Carmy’s foot clumsily stepped on yours, noticing how he avoided eye contact with you.

Murmured confusion scattered around the table aside from Richie’s awkward choked laugh as Tiff glared at him, any hope for a somewhat peaceful family dinner squandered by Hayden’s remark. All eyes flocked to Donna as she let out a full belly laugh, hand coming down to hit the table. The same hand moved up to point at you and Hayden, “Now that’s fucking funny Hayden, the two of you…married! Carmy would die before he let that happen!” A shit-eating grin stretched across Hayden’s face as he sent a wink to the matriarch, watching as her laughter went on for a few moments longer before Carmy awkwardly cleared his throat at her words, his legs moving from against yours ever so slightly as you frowned in confusion at what the older woman meant trying to gain Carmy’s attention only for him to shift his focus to the other end of the table.

“Uh, Stevie, Stevie’s about to say grace, Ma,” Mikey interjected trying to stir Christmas dinner back on its rightful course, Donna looked appeased, eyes happily finding Stevie’s figure as she waited for him to begin. A small back and forth between Mikey and Stevie ensued before the latter began his prayer.

“Um…Hey. Uh.. that we’re all…” Michelle’s laugh interrupted her partner causing you to anxiously laugh but quickly stop at the soft pinch on your thigh earned from Nat. You fell silent as you listened to Stevie give what seemed more like an awkward ramble rather than a prayer.

You could feel Carmy’s eyes darting across your figure as Stevie gave his explanation of what he thought the seven fishes symbolized. “I think that spending time and using that time on the people that we love is how we show them that we love them.” You looked up in that moment, eyes connecting with Carmy’s piercing blue ones. Neither of you gave into the urge to look away, instead drinking each other in like two plants feeling the first drop of rain after a drought.

Your gazes were both drawn away by Donna’s quiet sniffles, a chorus of praises sent in her direction to calm her aching heart.

“You okay?” Natalie’s question caused you to flop back in your chair, eyes clenched shut, followed by Hayden’s quiet sigh. You knew all Nat had was good intentions and would always be the first one to put Donna’s mental well-being first, but you also knew what it felt like to feel so overstimulated that those two measly words would send you in a downward spiral.

“Do you know how much I fucking hate it when you ask me that? Do I not look okay Natalie?” Donna’s mood shifted just as quickly as it had been the whole day. Her unknown limit was reached in a minute.

“Not really.” Michelle’s subtle shade drew a hardly restrained laugh out of you, “Oh, fuck you Michelle.” Donna snapped before setting her sights on you, “Is something funny Baby? Hmm?” The question caused the lingering smile to immediately drop your back going straight against the chair, your head quickly shaking back and forth, clearing before answering Donna.

“No, sorry I’m just nervous.” You admitted head still on a swivel to ease Donna’s agitation.

You glanced at Carmy, his whole being sunken in as he looked at you as if your existence was exhausting him at this moment. Regardless of Carmen’s look you know your mom would’ve crucified your ass for walking into Donna Berzatto’s house and feeling comfortable enough to disrespect her not only to her face but with a bunch of her peers around.

“Are you motherfuckers okay?” Donna continued letting her subdued rage out the table silent to not enrage her any further. “Fuck you!” The smashing of glass as the plate hit the ground caused you to flinch, your leg knocking into Carmy’s from the sudden noise, his knee tapping yours twice to reassure you everything would be fine.

Donna made her exit while berating Natalie, who sat there speechless unaware of why her need to make sure her mom was well was taken as a personal attack. Lee’s unprovoked comment about Donna’s tirade irritated you along with Michelle’s comment about it being her worst moment.

It was funny to you how each and everyone sitting at this table would drag themselves here every year. To sit in Donna’s house, to eat Donna’s food. To reap the rewards of the countless hours of Donna’s hard work, only to dismiss her because she had become so overstimulated the only reaction she knew to give was unadulterated rage.

You saw Mikey’s hand move before the fork flew across the table narrowly missing Lee’s head, surprised to find yourself tucked against Hayden’s body as a form of protection just in case. The older man jumped up no longer tolerating the eldest Berzatto’s antics, Mikey followed suit the clattering of the dishes loud as he threw his side of the table. The two men tried to get to each other, you let Hayden know you were okay so he could help keep Mikey from abusing Lee.

Silence encompassed the room at the sound of a car driving through the side of the house, before the whole room was in an uproar once more. You stood up from your seat mouth dropping open at the Mercedes Benz now sitting in the dining room. Mikey’s voice shouted at Donna to open the door as Nat tightly grasped your hand trying to ground herself. She and Carmy were the only two remaining guests still sitting. Natalie’s tightening grasp on your hand drew your attention to the two younger Berzatto’s watching as Nat did her best to internalize what was happening while Carmy stared blankly past you.

Your head was pounding at that point, the small headache from earlier now felt more like a migraine. You slipped your hand from Nat’s grasp removing yourself from the dining room as quietly as you could, you quickly walked to the front door. Every bone in your body was screaming at you to walk out that door and not come back, to protect your peace. You plopped down on the porch step head resting against your knees. As much as you wanted to run, your heart wouldn’t allow you to leave the Berzatto siblings to this mess alone.