eupdlive - Tumblr blog

[eupdlive]

Why do I wake up to him not being able to hold a wee .shouting at me 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why does it make me feel so disrespected n like I’m unworthy?

Because I gave birth 14 months ago, my bladders fucked. Yet I’m expected to get up n tend to our daughter n hold my bladder until she’s sorted. But he can’t do the same. He can’t hold a wee :/ my body and mind have been destroyed - and my partners the one who gets to act like a 5 year old.

N he’s just come in to ask me why o didn’t change her nappy whilst she was in bed last night - another jab.

I give up I do.

Genuinely -I don’t wann be alive anymore

I don’t wanna be refered for mini strokes. Can’t I just have one big one and be dead

K thanks

17/05/2020 - 7:53am - would like to die

[eupdlive]

I’m gonna strangle him.

I’m going to fucking strangle him. He’s insufferable. I want I want I want - your my 30 year old partner not my 5 year old.

Fuck offfff!

I’m just gonna tidy the kitchen and have a wank and I’m just gonna sit and roll.

10/05/2020 - 8:47am - pissed off and fucking angry

[eupdlive]

It’ll be 4am soon. I’ve sat up rolling joints for me and my partner to try cut down our weed intake

I’ve been ok - mainly depressed I guess

Did some drawing today with the bug :)

Must have a shower soon

Will get my hair cut when covid decides to die off :/ can’t cope with long hair anymore :( feel like it gets in my way of having a shower and taking care of myself every day 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that will be a turning point for me to have a shorter hair cut and dye it funky colours and be my bubbly scene kid self again.

I hate feeling like a miserable ugly fat gypsy 😔

Toying with short hair or dreads

Why am I staying up so late - I’ll be tired tomorrow. My poor baby :/

Ahhh well signing off

Peace x ❤️🧡💚💙💜💗

08/05/2020 - 3:52am - weird and tired

[eupdlive]

Daily struggle to get out of bed after nap time.

I’m very lucky I have such a chill child just sat there in her cot ❤️

07/05/2020 - 1.30pm - depressed n flat

[eupdlive]

I don’t know how I feel today... I think stuck, trapped, no direction

There is no way of knowing, which way you are going...

Honestly I feel like alices older fat ugly sister who fell down the hole behind her and literally never found her way back

04/05/2020 - 7:26pm - WHATTTTTT?

[eupdlive]

I feel like a machine this morning - I am unstoppable 💪🏼

I’ve done the whole of the kitchen and tidied pretty much the whole house. Just gotta wait does the man to wake and then I can clean :)

I’m blessed to have a good day like this and a lovely family to share it with 🥰

03/05/2020 - 8.10am - feeling motivated and loved

[eupdlive]

Just a moment of reflection now I feel calm and collected for however long it lasts.

I’ve just sung the most beautiful baby girl to sleep 💗 I’m so proud of her

02/05/2020 - 7:43pm

[eupdlive]

Had a sleep

I could think of words - but I found this filter that is quite apt to how I’m feeling right now

02/05/2020 - 5:47pm 🤔

[eupdlive]

I’m now super sorry about this morning. Don’t think I could apologise more to Peter :/

Mentally I’m exhausted. I now need a good few hours of sleep if I want to function atall today. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can’t do anything I just want to sleep. Or die. But I think sleep is my best option - less finite

02/05/2020 - 12.40pm - Zzzzonked

[eupdlive]

02/05/2020 - 9:02am

[eupdlive]

So this is the first post of a million I’m sure.

I’m here to just note and document my struggles with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

Its almost a daily occurrence that I can’t cope with small daily tasks or even conversations that the average person would have no emotional connection to.

This morning for the 6th week in a row my partner decided to huff and puff n shout n get really flustered because I had asked him to see to our daughter this morning due to the fact I had a pretty heavily emotional day yesterday.

After trying to explain to him and just being spoken over I went quiet then got angry and walked out of the room to sleep on the sofa - then I went to my car and attempted to sleep in there.

Long story short eventually he did give me some space and I broke down. I’ve made a bag with a bunch of popped pills inside ready to take because I felt so suicidal and like I was a bad mum for not having the mental eneegy or the emotional well-being to get up for her this morning.

I just don’t want to be here anymore really. I feel like a waste of space.

02/05/2020 - it 8.30am - COVID19 lockdown - suicidal wreck 🤦🏻‍♀️