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[euphoric-hours]

To You, 2 Years From Now

Ok but I did forget about this blog for a minute, that’s all I can say in my defense. It’s amusing seeing how anxious I was back then. I’m sure it’s in good reason but pre-college me wasn’t anticipating what happened my first two years of university.

I do have to say that I’m in a way better mental state than those beginning years of uni. Thank the universe, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it out alive lol. 

Starting all the way from my 2019 freshman orientation, that time was so new to me and my world. It was a lil scary but all new experiences are intimidating; shortly after orientation, I attend this program and met new people. Some became really close friends, some everyday peers and a lot of norm strangers. I first met this girl named T (we’ll call her that), she’s so pretty, friendly and hilarious, I was lowkey enthralled with her being like that. I was pretty prepared to encounter mean snobs and rude stuck-ups, but it wasn’t that bad. Like yeah, there was a few but as long as you didn’t pay attention to them, it didn’t matter. It’s their problem. 

Following, I met more but later that week, I met another girl, H, who I didn’t think would become one of my closest friends to this day. I do have to admit that she seemed the average big-headed know-it-all but in reality, she was so goofy to an extent. She has this contagious humor that never seems to dim which I found fascinating; I learned from there I needed to stop being so judgmental. my critical thoughts were all insecurity-based hahaha 

Everyday from there, we were inseparable and along the way, I met other friends. One from high school, which was surprising being that we ran in different crowds but I’m glad I got to know him. Another being from H’s high school as well but he became complicated as time went on. 

But that’s a story for another time so back to the original topic; around September of that first term, I flew out to San Franciscooo to visit my fav person, R, and we managed to attend a Keshi concert! It was so thrilling and I’m so glad we got to see one of his shows on his tour at the time. Tons of fun with walking around in the city, to eating multiple cuisine restaurants to attending a Monet show at the city museum. It’s the best memory by far; but quickly came to an end. By then, I was easily depressed due to not wanting to leave R and the city. 

I guess you can say that’s when the sadness started sprouting. 

In result of me obliviously ignoring my growing depression, I spent the next 3 to 4 months drowning myself with temporary solutions. Beverages that contained any sort of alcohol, light & harsh drugs, mindless hookups with both audiences, purposely getting hurt to feel solace and countless times of impulse spending. At the time, I didn’t know why I was sad. I would try to pin it to multiple failed relationship attempts or an argument I had with my parents. I yearned for an answer. An answer that didn’t result in me being my own downfall. 

It was bad. I would consider that part of my life as an addict to sadness. It felt so painfully good to be sad all the time. I was mindlessly addicted to the self harm to where I attempted thrice. Thankfully none succeed in all honestly. I wouldn’t be writing this post but probably haunting the forest next to my university. (it was a smoke spot for multiple freshman and it’s where I spent half of my nights)

Around March of 2020 is when I had to move out of the dorms and venture back home. It’s hilarious because at the time, I loathed going back home. It’s probably bc it felt like my freedom was slipping through my fingers and into my parent’s back pocket. Being that, I was grumpy as hell most of the beginning. As the weeks went on, it became bearable esp with my nephew, A, being around. He was who kept me from offing myself that entire summer; it was a fun time to be around him. It’s actually the first time I realized I truly wanted kids, but for sure not at the moment due to being severely suicidal still. 

Near the end of the summer, I scored a job in my college town and it was nice. (uni is like 30-45 minutes away, not that bad) With a job in my routine, I felt ready to head back to college and kill the sadness within me. It didn’t work out that way unfortunately. I cried 6 days out of the week, followed this boy who didn’t give a fuck about me 24/7 shamelessly and worked myself like a full-timer as a part-timer. Shit hit the fan. Basically a remake of what happened back in 2019 but as a part 2. It felt like I wasn’t going to escape this loop, until I tested positive for Covid-19. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

I didn’t even mention how I’ve been failing nearly all of my classes SINCE freshman year. So, that’s pretty self-explanatory based on how the prior paragraphs are looking.

My roommate, who ironically had a nurse for a mom, got it first by going over to her tinder dates place to hang out. it’s hilarious bc I was so supportive only for me to nearly die from the virus. At first, I was in denial but as days went on, my body started feeling shittier to where I could feel myself dying from the inside out. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. I’m sure being shot or stabbed is fine but knowing you are sick and slowly dying, it’s terrifying. I was having hourly migraines, stomach indigestion, breathing problems, nightly blood & vomit throw ups and severe insomnia. It was hell. To add, I lost around 31 pounds within a week and a half span, so yeah, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

I was in that state for nearly a month but after returning home to be put in isolation, I got better around the 2nd week of November 2020. During that time I was sick, I lost my job by ‘job abandonment’ which is ridiculous but it’s whatever. It was mentally unhealthy anyway so it wasn’t much of a loss. From there, I just stayed home with my familia and kept to myself. I think being put at death’s door, it made me realize that I love my family v much to where I want to live for them. Not for me (still), but I wanted to get better mentally and function like a normal being. 

To mention real quick, I did get temporarily suspended from my university because of my insanely low gpa. I did expect it but it didn’t hit till I actually saw the email from the dean saying how I can’t come back until I get my grades back in good standing. I felt like dying all over again ngl. But after assessing the situation and having a longggggg conversation with my mom, I created a plan to get back to uni, get my scholarship back and continue for my bachelors. As much as I wanted to crawl into my depressed rabbit hole, I couldn’t keep living like that. So I pushed it all out of my head and forced myself to think only of how hard I’m going to work to get back what I had. 

In January of 2021, I felt much better so why not apply for a physical labor job so I got a nightshift job at a local grocery store. I kept that job for about 4 months and oh my gossshhhhh, it was the loneliness 4 months of my life. I did meet one of my closest friends there though, I’ll give the job that but besides that, it was exhaustingly draining. I can say that it did drain most of my depression away due to me being focused on not missing work, trying to finish tasks, worrying about who’s going to call off, etc. It helped me gain a sense of familiarity with structure. OH. Forgot to mention. Around March or so, my mother surprised me with a car of my choice! I ended up choosing a 2018 White Mazda 6 and it’s the best vehicle I could ever ask for.

Ended up quitting in May, best decision ever. Then quickly followed was my aunt’s wedding (in June) that turned out to be pretty fun. I invited one of my college friends, A, as my date and we had a blast. My family loved him so they consider him a family friend now which is nice. From there to now, nothing else really happened besides me attaining another part-time job. I actually like this one and plan on keeping this one for at least 2 years. The workplace is steady, coworkers are v friendly, pay is great and dress code is cute, so looking forward to see how this job treats me. 

So in all, it was indeed a wild ride. But if I didn’t go through all of that, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Mentally healthier, still struggling to get my grade point average up but I’ll get there, so I’m not stressing that much :) 

I will try to update again later on in a few months, but I hold no promises because I lack discipline <3

[euphoric-hours]

Delaying anticipation is like playing Russian roulette but with all 6 bullets.

Kbub

[euphoric-hours]

𝕱𝖔𝖚𝖗 ⁽ᵉˢᵗⁱᵐᵃᵗᵉ⁾ 𝕸𝖔𝖓𝖙𝖍𝖘 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖔 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝕻𝖎𝖌

Wowza, I haven’t wrote on this blog in a fat minute. When I say the end of senior year was hectic, it was fucking crazy. Though, now my personal hell is over, I am positive a new one will start in a few weeks, no cap. But future me will deal with that. 

Anywho, lets get to it! Update on my four months and a half into the new year: 

Not only did I have to cram a bunch of information into my fat head, but I also had to watch out for college deadlines, finish out my spring sport’s season, get a reasonable amount of sleep, remember to eat, maintain my social life to a minimum, and finish all the fucking homework the hs teachers assign at the end of the year. What do they gain from that? osrs. 

Though, I managed to take like four to five trips this past year bc why the fuck not; it low-key felt good to flex on some of my peers (who are not so nice) that had to stay at school longer than me. I mean, it balanced out I guess you could say. From me missing more than two days, I had to take finals regardless of my A’s and B’s. It was worth it. My first trip was in Sep 2018 (beginning of the year) and that was to a bts concert; my second was in Mar 2019 (middle of spring sports) and that was back to San Fran, but just to spend time with my close friend in the bay area for Spring Break. (some of my softball teammates were heated about it for some reason??? Idk why though when the ones who were mad are the ones who talk shit behind my back lol, wild) Then the next three were to Vegas, SoCal and Phoenix. SoCal was so much fun! I hope to go back soon. 

Starting from my last post, at the first bullet. 

- yes i did get into usf, but sadly I did not have the money to attend. (it was 65k per year? ofn) i cried about it for about a week, but now i am somewhat over it. Like I still get somewhat iffy about it, but i am more excited about the university I am going to this fall. They gave me a full-paid tuition scholarship (covers half of the cost) so I’m content, I can still party and study yuh yuh 

- LOLOL I really thought I could do three nights classes during my softball season when I could barley do hs homework. I ended up dropping those classes and focused on my season. that was that lol

- Still out of shape 

- still cry but not as much 

- still not working? (wtf k*le-)

- Now that it’s the end of May, I am really really excited for college this upcoming August. Not September, thank god. I attend my orientation yesterday and today, it was alright. Just some students who think they are exclusive and self-rightous. But besides that, it was nice. 

^^ WAIT WAIT WAIT, FORGOT TO MENTION: my ass is going to get cheweddddddd out by my schedule for my first semester of college. It’s two subjects of science: Chem and Bio. Four classes overall. Two lecture classes for both subjects. Two lab classes for both subjects. Then the other two classes are culture class and first year seminar class. Fuck my brain bro huh. 

- In the end, I managed to find myself and realize that i am all that matters in my own life. (not like righteously, but more of self-care, self-love and so.) one of my good friends left my life and that lowkey hurt me, but it’s alright bc I know she has her reasons. I am sure she will be fine and I still hope the best for her. anyway, it’s been about a hour since I started typing this, and my wrists hurt lol. Plus I need to go scoop my friend for late night adventures. 

See y’all in another minute,

Later. 

[euphoric-hours]

Twenty Days into Twenty-Nineteen

So, 2019 is here. (it’s lame, I want a refund) 

Just like any other new year, it still feels the same. It’s wild that 2010 was nine years ago, yet it feels like it was 3 years ago. 

Anywho, I looked back on my last post and there is so much cringe. I want to delete it, but I can’t because the whole point of this blog is growth. Just as in reality, you can’t erase your past mistakes/embarrassment, but you can grow/learn from it. 

Wow, it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I didn’t expect myself to get so unfeigned. Well I guess that’s what happens when you’re sitting on your bed waiting for your face mask to dry so you can wash it off and go to sleep afterwards. 

Update on my twenty days into the new year: 

> I managed to finish my college application to my dream school (I procrastinated so much, it was horrifying)

> I signed up for college night classes at a local community college and I’m probably going to die from being overstressed

> I’ve been lacking on getting back into shape for the season, but I honestly don’t know if I’m going to play for my senior year

> Oh shit, I cried like three to four times within a week, which is really surprising to me because I’m usually not a bitch about my feelings. 

> I got hired at a local pizza joint back in 2018 Dec. and I haven’t started yet?? I thought I would be making bank by now, but nah. My ‘boss’ is too busy to train me and he keeps putting it off, so lately, I’ve been broke, stressed and emotional. Ugh, we love stressed bitches. 

> The only thing keeping me afloat is the fact I’m going to be gone by September (hopefully) at college and I’m hyped. I’ll probably get homesick within two months, but I’ll manage, so it’s nice. 

This post took me 17 minutes and my fingers hurt from typing. Gtg, see you in like, I don’t know, another month?? Just whenever. 

Bye bye. 

[euphoric-hours]

𝙻𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕

To begin, I’m trying out new blog sites to see which one I would be consistent with in terms with updating here and there. It is the end of my high school years and graduation is approaching within five months. 

It’s really crazy how I grew up in my small hometown from kindergarten and now, I am going to be leaving soon. Whether it’s the next town over or the next state over, I am not going to be walking around in the same hallways I have been for the past four years nor see my childhood friends/peers all at the same place again. It’s boggling that we are growing up and that we’re going to different places to start our lives, careers, dreams and I find it really beautiful. 

Another reason to put in for this new blog is that in four days, it’s going to turn to 2019! A year of unclear ambitions waiting to be fulfilled with anxiety and impulsiveness. A year for me to where I am going to be transitioning into an ‘adult’. It’s sucks that I need to wait three more years after next year just to vote, but it’s alright since I am not that into politics right now. Whereas I am more worried about whether or not I have enough money to pay for college. 

In essence, I do hope that I stay consistent with blogging due to how I want to look back on my posts and see the growth I have made.