evee942

[evee942]

[evee942]

ask your doctor what the fuck

[evee942]

[evee942]

Once my friend Henry was accused of wearing wireless headphones by a substitute so she said for him to hand them over so he took them off and handed them to her. Then later on she asked him a question and he didn’t respond so she said it louder and he still didn’t respond. She asked why he was not responding and he said “I can’t understand you ma'am, you took my hearing aids.”

[evee942]

[enters my own room] damn bitch you live like this?

[evee942]

before blaming others, think: whats the 1 constant in all your failed relationships? its that cursed egyptian amulet why do u even have that

[evee942]

my kids:how did you meet mom?

me:well you see...i thirst followed her on tumblr

[evee942]

[evee942]

[evee942]

[evee942]

bitch ass nazis

[evee942]

[evee942]

I love it when I wake up and stretch and something cracks. Makes me feel like a glo-stick

[evee942]

Me: Alright, brain, we have two tasks to do. One of them is more time sensitive, but working on the other will be more fun. Which should I start on?

My brain: Do fucking nothing for 72 hours

Me: Understandable, have a nice day

[evee942]

one time i meant to send my qpp a hashtag millennial joke txt about my ptsd but i accidentally sent it to my manager and i died that day n never recovered its arguably the most mortifying thing ive ever done bc hes a war veteran of 26 years in the military

[evee942]