ever-changing-fairy

[ever-changing-fairy]

— stillness.

[ever-changing-fairy]

— roach-works

[ever-changing-fairy]

September 10, 2024

I had a very late start to my day today. I woke up at 11:10 AM. I woke up in a panic with the first thought in my head saying: "You're 23... Almost 25 and still have not accomplished anything."

I went into crisis mode and had a silent and numb mental breakdown. If it weren't for my dog that kept growling at me to play with her, I wouldn't have gotten up my bed. I decided to doom scroll to distract myself. Watched a few episodes of my current favorite show on the couch in my living room as I ate two bowls of cereal. If it weren't for my planned study date with my friend, I wouldn't have gotten off my couch. Despite how I started my day and state of mind, I had quite a productive study time. We studied for 3 hours, migrated to different study spots in between each hour and headed to pilates. Which again, if we hadn't scheduled, I would have gone home and continued my bingeing episode. We had a few minutes to spare before heading into the studio so we stopped by Lululemon to window-shop. Gosh, I can't wait until I can afford these clothes. To wear these soft clothing with no guilt that a hole burned through my wallet. I came home after pilates, had a quick talk with my mom, then dinner and Netflix. I had shrimp and rice. Two plates of them to be exact, it was too good and the episodes were too juicy to stop. I took my dog out afterwards and grabbed my mom's car to park it in our garage for her to use when she goes to work in the morning. I am writing this now to wind down from my day and get my thoughts out for the day. I will study now until I really can't anymore. I placed my dog's bed next to me as I am at our kitchen table and she is just the cutest study buddy! I'm glad that I set up my day the way I did or else I would have gotten stuck in that very bad headspace the whole day. I feel better after going through my day today. I know I should just keep going and eventually accomplish something I will be very proud of and feel relieved I've finally checked something off my goals list. For now, I am proud to have accomplished the things I did on this day. I hope to continue to keep having days like this.

[ever-changing-fairy]

Starting over again in your 20s... When self expectations are high and are in a state of urgency to prove your presence in the world is important. Slow down and breathe, the life you dream of will manifest in what will feel like a blink of an eye.

[ever-changing-fairy]

the sexual tension between me & the alternate reality I daydream about

[ever-changing-fairy]

Filling up my brain

I am constantly gaining information by watching YouTube videos/Tiktoks, listening to entertaining podcasts, and interacting with people through casual conversation.

What happens if I change the content of information that I am choosing to fill my brain with? Would I need a balance or do I do a whole 180? Would I reach a breaking point where I want to go back to brain rotting? How do I Bridgit Mendler through life?

[ever-changing-fairy]

Why so urgent?

I have realized the root cause of most of my stress. I am quite impulsive and I set goals with a sense of urgency. I am also quite the perfectionist, if I miss one step-- I'm a failure and there is no reason to continue because I won't meet the goal at the unrealistic time I wanted to accomplish it.

I wonder why I am like this. How do I fix this?

[ever-changing-fairy]

[ever-changing-fairy]

I know it is my father's first time on this Earth, too. And I know He had it worse when he was little.

But I was little too.

— Franz Kafka, from letters to his father

[ever-changing-fairy]

The Bodleian Library at Oxford University

[ever-changing-fairy]

I need more notebooks, more books and more hours in the day 🖊️ reblog is ok, don’t repost/use

[ever-changing-fairy]

it's hailing today and the gloom outside is casting peculiar shadows around my room...

[ever-changing-fairy]

you don't want to look back and wish you had worked a little harder.

[ever-changing-fairy]

September 3, 2024 - Night owl to morning person

It's 9:35 AM. At 7, I got up and showered and immediately felt so good even though I only slept for about 3 hours. I washed my hair since it was so oily and blow dried it so it wasn't wet before I headed out. I went to my facial and it was my first time at this place. My social anxiety always acts up in situations like this and I was so nervous meeting someone by myself for the first time. And I was late... I was only late for a couple minutes. I couldn't find which one of the grey buildings she was at. I literally circled the plaza a couple times. When I finally got in, I followed the mental script I had put together and it was fine. She was so so nice. we're the same age and she mentioned she had a husband. How are we both 23 and she has a business and a husband 😭. That's my mf goal. I liked her so much and felt so comfortable in there and I really did feel taken care of, I did not hesitate to book with her for next month. I'm already so excited for my next facial.

I got gas right afterward and now I'm writing on here.

I'm feeling so good -- I may be a morning person after all this time of being a self-proclaimed night owl. My whole family has been a night owl for as long as I can remember. I wonder if I just kind of copied them. I felt most comfortable at night and always thought I was productive then but I've come to realize that I really actually am not. I get too tired and push my tasks to the next day.

You really do learn new things every day. I'm proud of myself for getting up and doing that and now I've learned more things about myself!

I learned I'm an oily skin type and NOT dry skin. Goodbye to all of my skincare products, I guess. And now I'm learning I'm a morning person and not a night owl. Hello to a new routine and new me!

[ever-changing-fairy]

maybe later isn't better than never

[ever-changing-fairy]

[ever-changing-fairy]

September 1, 2024

Grateful for everything I have.

Thankful for having parents that provide for me and I can't wait to make them financially free.

I'm thankful I have the freedom to create my life how I want it now.

Why do I keep getting sucked into the bland routine and bad habits that never help me progress in life, instead it keeps taking me a step back. How do I change this?