i hope you're ok, wherever you are
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pointedly ignoring the breakdown i had the other day
#my posts#stuff went down and my brain is in damage control mode#i dont have the bandwidth to do anything else#every time i scroll over it i avoid reading it
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im sure its real To Them their flashbacks and responses are very real and very scary. but its not my life. the only explanation is ive somehow got someone elses trauma stuck in my brain
i keep having flashbacks / trauma responses / intrusive memories of situations that dont make sense to me and feel totally opposed to what i know of my childhood. and its just surreal. and i keep waiting for my brain to call sike because it does genuinely feel more plausible that ive subconsciously made this up and my nervous system decided to respond to it anyway for some reason than that these are actually real
#i know i sound idiotic but#yeah#my posts#i sound stupid but i dont know what else to think#this isnt me#they were nice to me
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i dont know whos in these memories or where i am or how old i am (the memories are weird and often in third person with my adult body) but my child parts keep responding to them with terror that i cannot control and i wish i could. like i wish this was some elaborate ruse because otherwise i have no idea what to think
it feels like these arent memories of my life. like maybe it's my child parts life, and theyre actually not me somehow, and somehow through transporting to my brain they carried over their trauma from Their separate lives. but this isnt my life. its the only way i can wrap my head around this
i keep having flashbacks / trauma responses / intrusive memories of situations that dont make sense to me and feel totally opposed to what i know of my childhood. and its just surreal. and i keep waiting for my brain to call sike because it does genuinely feel more plausible that ive subconsciously made this up and my nervous system decided to respond to it anyway for some reason than that these are actually real
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i keep having flashbacks / trauma responses / intrusive memories of situations that dont make sense to me and feel totally opposed to what i know of my childhood. and its just surreal. and i keep waiting for my brain to call sike because it does genuinely feel more plausible that ive subconsciously made this up and my nervous system decided to respond to it anyway for some reason than that these are actually real
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had a low point after therapy today (started feeling like treatment was useless, that id made no progress, that i would never be able to feel emotions or process anything) but i managed to ride it out. its quite hard when the thought of anything associated with 'me' makes me grimace but turns out an hourish of sensory grounding and low stakes scribbling managed to get me back into a somewhat normal state. today has mostly vanished but it could be worse
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i am frustrated! i am observing my frustration! i am feeling my frustration! i can feel it in my chest and knees and shoulders. it is ok that i am frustrated! perfectly understandable! it makes sense and i am more human for feeling this
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i wish i had a parent
#my posts#i keep feeling like my boyfriend is being distant and that keeps translating to 'mummy doesnt want me'#hes not being distant hes just tired and im needy#i want to be needed and included#and told its ok#but even if i hear it i dont really have the neurons to respond and feel it and heal#it completely slides off of me#aah. me and my brain#its really hard sometimes to feel like im built to be loved. my brain cant even recognise love
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Reparenting Affirmations for Child Abuse Survivors
I am so glad you were born.
You are a good person.
I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side.
You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad.
You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
I am always glad to see you.
It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.
You can make mistakes. They are your teachers.
You can know what you need and ask for help.
You can have your own preferences and tastes.
You are a delight to my eyes.
You can choose your own values.
You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers.
I am very proud of you.
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rrr. :( i miss when i was in my self punishment period. i used to get really angry at myself for not doing what i had to and every time something bad happened id tell myself i deserved it and it helped it feel meaningful. i dont think that anymore so now im just sad with no outlet
#my posts#vent#my body really hurts but im bothering people and i feel like i dont deserve ... ...#id say 🌑 part but to my memory his self hatred is really strong and sad. maybe im just tired#waa#i dunno i can try self punishment again but it doesnt feel appealing. im too tired. and sad#i dont know what i want. i dont feel like i deserve bad things but i dunno about good either. im wishy washy#im just here#waaa
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