ever-go-on

[ever-go-on]

ramble from a guy who graduated from / is taking a break from therapy

the voices havent enjoyed the feeling obligated to go towards trauma processing (emdr). weve been capable of it and working on it for a few months but after the initial 'weve been having tons of flashbacks and Need this processed' and getting through the worst of recent traumas weve been kinda tired and drained. so we are taking a break

objectively speaking im a lot better than the years when i started (4 years ago or so). i no longer experience flashbacks and trauma intrusions as being possessed or feeling stuck in a room with someone whos freaking out unable to help or coming any closer. i dont hear screaming from myself anymore and i dont hear verbal abuse from myself anymore and i dont find my actions and crashouts unexplainable or overwhelmingly dysphoric

nowadays my trauma responses are mostly about personal attitude shifts or noticing a voice in the back of my head and basically immediately talking to them and working out what we should do to look out for myself

my memory is still pretty bad but its improving. things ive done still take me by surprise but im less afraid of not knowing what ive been doing because i know its always just me or a me that i live with and tolerate. most of what i lose is casual experiences anyway. journaling might help. journaling has always 'might help'. is it time for me to begrudgingly commit to it...

my self image and sense of who i am developing into has improved. im more confident these days. i have better relationships and a sense of where i fit in my communities. im not the perfect guy but i am a learning and relatively young human being just like anyone else and im on the right foot. people like me and i protect myself

i am questioning schizophrenia spectrum. but im ok. it would just explain a lot with how prone i am to strange delusions and getting convinced of conspiracies against me and seeing things and other types of psychotic episode under stress. but my friends look out for me and i do bounce back. this is just another one of my oddities

my traumas arent really healed. i still regard the life experiences of some of my parts in the third person. but i do understand that 'their' childhoods were really bad. and that they deserve better now and that we are going to look after them. im not ready to see their experiences in the first person but they are welcome and ok and very loved. seeing myself as a foster home for displaced and unwell folks was a very good idea

ultimately i still hold unhealthy beliefs about myself and experience mental health issues but my position has improved significantly. mentally and physically. my toolkit is better as is how i approach myself and what i allow into my life. so i think it may be more useful right now to put a pause on therapy and instead focus on being present with myself

im going to buy a structured diary today to encourage memory preservation and self expression. i love all of me very much. and we are going to make the most of our life together

[ever-go-on]

Tips for Resolving Inner Conflicts About Physical Self-care, from Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

[image ID: "Tips for Resolving Inner Conflicts About Physical Self-Care

• Take time to reflect on why you might be having difficulties with physical self-care and/or body awareness and make a list of them.

• Do not judge yourself about these conflicts; just notice them.

• Prioritize as best you can from the least to the most difficult conflicts on your list. Begin with the least difficult and gradually work your way through to the most difficult. As you gain mastery with resolving the less intense conflicts, you and all parts of yourself become more confident and trusting with each other, and you will be more willing to take the next steps.

• Using an inner safe space, meeting room, or by talking inwardly, determine whether all parts of you might agree that physical self-care might be a good thing if it was completely safe and allowed. If so, good: You can take the next step. If not, stop and reflect on why parts of you believe taking care of yourself would not be helpful even if it was safe and allowed.

• You might talk inwardly to remind all parts of you that when you (all of you) take care of yourself, you feel better physically, which helps you feel better emotionally. All parts might benefit.

• Remind all parts of you that your body is safe in the present and that body sensations are normal messages to help you care for yourself.

• If parts of you believe you do not deserve to take care of yourself, remind them that self-care has nothing to do with being deserving. Those parts might prefer, for the time being, to think of self-care as similar to maintenance of your car. Your car needs gas to take you where you need to go; it needs repairs to run. You cannot just neglect it. You need rest and replenishment to do what you need to do and health maintenance so you can continue doing what you do.

• Make sure you take time to orient all parts to the present and reassure them that you will not get in trouble for taking care of yourself.

• If traumatic memories or intense emotions are triggered when you become aware of your body, help vulnerable parts to stay in a safe place during that time (for example, when you shower or bathe), assuring them that they will be attended to in the near future. And continue to orient them to the present. Be sure to keep such promises.

• Engage in inner discussions and negotiation about the ways in which you can engage in physical self-care. If there are conflicts, be open to hearing respectfully another point of view and try to find common ground, that is, those self-care activities on which all parts of you can agree. /end ID]

[ever-go-on]

from Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation: on identifying cognitive errors with parts

[ever-go-on]

I think I get irritated when I see those "DID is not rare" posts because even if it's not "rare", my own experience has still been profoundly isolating.

[ever-go-on]

Something that I think is important to remember that not a lot of people consider when working with extremely depressed/suicidal parts is that when they’re around, it feels like the depression will go on forever. Nothing will ever be okay again, life will always be miserable, etc. Then when that part is away from front, it can be frustrating to realize that no, it doesn’t last forever because look, it’s over. Before I understood my parts and started working with them closely, I would almost get pissed off when these feelings would arise. “It won’t last forever, it never fucking does, why are you always so dramatic about this shit?”

Then I realized after several years of therapy that for these parts—most of which have existed far longer than I have—this depression HAS been forever. It has been a part of their existence for years, decades. It has never stopped, so why should they ever believe it will? Of course decades of severe depression is going to feel like it has lasted forever, especially if those parts exist solely to hold those emotions away from others. They may believe it is all they are for, and thusly, have the belief it will never get better because the depression is all they are.

Since realizing this after countless poorly handled situations with parts like this, I have become much softer in my approach. When they say “this sadness will last forever” I acknowledge it. “Yes, it has been a long time to be sad, my friend. Can I show you something that always cheers me up? What can I do for you to make this sadness less burdensome for even a moment? How about we watch this show or do this craft? Or maybe I can cook or bake something you have always wanted to try? If we have the funds, are you open to trying a food outside of the house? Can we sit outside in the sun? I know none of this will fix your sadness, but it sometimes helps for a little bit. And if I can help lessen your pain while you are in front with me for even a moment, I will do it.” Barring negative coping skills, of course. No more self injurious behavior, we don’t do that anymore.

Sometimes their sadness blends with me so much that it feels like it’s my own sadness and it can be hard to dig myself out of that when I’m not realizing it’s someone else. I usually have to really work on unblending skills in order to realize that this sadness isn’t mine—but that doesn’t mean it’s not my responsibility to try to help if I can. As a host, I’ve made it a major duty to not only take care of daily life but to also show parts that life isn’t always pain and suffering, and sometimes all it takes is sitting on the patio and watching the birds for a bit.

Hope this insight helps. It took me a while to learn it and recognize that emotions that feel “never ending” to parts truly are never-ending for them because that is often all they know. And it’s my job to help show them that it doesn’t have to be all they know forever.

-Anya (she/her)

(Formerly Delphine, another name change in the books!)

[ever-go-on]

BPD Resources Masterlist

[NPD]

Creating this has made me realise just how much people underestimate/downplay the stigma surrounding BPD. It’s infuriating.

Anyway, here is the official resource masterlist for BPD. I will be adding to it as time goes on:)

BPD stigma

BPD stigma among clinicians

I have BPD and here’s 6 things I wish people understood

Mental health advocacy is pointless if you’ll support people with anxiety and depression but won’t support those with personality disorders

No I don’t need helping learning how to deal with a “borderline girlfriend”, I need help dealing with myself

Emotional abuse tag and BPD

The results when searching up how to manage BPD

BPD and suicide

Educating yourself on BPD

Basic info on BPD

NPD + BPD comorbidity

Why is it referred to as ‘borderline personality disorder’?

Facts vs. fiction about BPD

Living with BPD

BPD things that people don’t talk about enough

Loving with BPD is hard

Living, breathing, BPD

What it’s like living with BPD: a lived experience perspective

Managing BPD

Coping With BPD: DBT & CBT skills to soothe the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

The dialectal therapy skills workbook

A quick exercise: challenging self-hate

Different forms of therapy

Deep breathing gifs

Splitting with BPD

Chloe’s splitting checklist and reminders

What is splitting?

How I cope with splitting (written by someone with BPD)

BPD positivity so you don’t have to go looking

People with low/no empathy still have feelings

Several positive affirmations for people with cluster b disorders

If you have BPD, I love you

Some of the best people in my life are borderlines

You’re not a monster for having a personality disorder

So much love to my BPD bi boys out there

Positivity for systems with BPD

Positive traits of people with BPD

People with BPD deserve as much slack as neurotypicals

BPD safe blogs (also safe for cluster b disorders in general!)

@borderline-culture-is

@bpd00m

@citrine-rabbit

@cluster-b-culture-is

@gentle-positivity

@hellbrainspeaks

@your-fave-is-crippled

@mirroringshards

[ever-go-on]

Follow @importantcatpics for more important cat pics!

[ever-go-on]

I was accidentally 15 one time and basically there’s Problems forever because of this

[ever-go-on]

hit a block in therapy today because i cant accept my parts realities as my own and my mind kept going blank at the prospect of digging further into my history and life reality i avoid and emotional responses. i wasnt privy to anything but shame that i was not composed or prepared or put together. it made me feel like a child again

it occured to me that all of me are so distant emotionally. any sort of admission to feeling distress or expressing our realities goes into the cold air. we tolerate it but theres no warmth. so we almost want to keep our realities and distress close to our chest so that can be what keeps us warm. we dont want to be exposed

i think inner world work would be really helpful for me. ive decided we have a cat now. my kids love stroking animal toys and feeling like they have company. so inside we now have an large orange longhair named peggy. she can come for cuddles and company whenever we need it. and we can tell her all our secrets if we ever want to share things quietly and she will love us always. we will be warm even if we say something. there will always be someone to listen. so we wont be alone and simply observed and only have our most basic needs met at a distance anymore

[ever-go-on]

Healing takes time. Don’t lose hope.

[ever-go-on]

[ever-go-on]

i missed drawing flowers

[ever-go-on]

for some reason small gestures like tidying my room before doing an activity i know will cause a switch are really keeping me going. something about just making things a little bit easier for future me because i am very aware of how difficult i am finding things

[ever-go-on]

my collection

[ever-go-on]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[ever-go-on]

SELF CARE IS SO IMPORTANT!  

[ever-go-on]